Saturday, January 26, 2013


So if today went well in all senses,
And (at least from the sounds of it) it was something we were both looking forward to,
Why does it feel like I've missed something?

And why does it feel like I've done something to mess it up, again?

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


What's gotten me through most of my goodbyes is being able to make peace and let go.
Maybe that's why this is harder.

There is a lot I want to say, but my words, they're caught up in a tangle in my throat and I'm not quite sure how to start. 
Yes, I know he is better off this way. Yes, I know he has lived a good, long life.
And yes I know that he was very, very loved and that he knows this too.
All of that matters to me.

But I struggle with the knowing of all the things he meant to me, all the things he taught me, and this in-between/not-quite-there-yet relationship I seem to have developed with horses that exists because of him.
With him, I felt like it was okay to stand there for as long as I needed to until I wanted to step closer. With him I felt like I never had to bring anything but myself because even if I tried, he'd see right through me.
With him I found a stillness and a calm that I haven't always been able to share.
And right up til the last evening I saw him, that didn't change.

Here's the thing about Wallaby Joe, as soft as I am for him, he was never something to fix.
I started off, not knowing where I stood with him. And not trying to figure it out either, because I was just caught up with standing exactly where I was standing.
(At that time that was about a metre and a bit away from two bars that kept him in.)

and then.

I don't know how to begin describing the way I felt.
The way he gave me such tiny, tiny moments that I wanted to hold on to forever. The way he made me wish time would come to a standstill, whenever he came and stood with me, or cuddled up.
The way he made me feel like, for a little while, nothing else could possibly matter.

So if I need to be honest, I cannot say that I am alright. Not yet.

But I am grateful. So immensely grateful for the time I did get to spend with him, for the person I grew into, for the little things I learnt (even if I don't know I've learnt it yet.)

You certainly were something special.

I'll see you soon.
 Love, C

Surely hearts breaking must have a sound.

And surely, there must be something for a pain like this.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

And when she comes

here's a plan-

A wall of exposed bricks in the living room. And in the bedroom. Possibly in the kitchen. So it's always warm. 
Black and white pictures in black frames.
One colored one, somewhere. Maybe of us lying on grass with the Swan River at the edges of our feet. 
Music. Everywhere. The sort we can hear and the sort we can't. 
Fruits on the counter.
And promise we'll never put away the juicer. Or the coffee machine. 
Or our promises.
The ones we're saving up in a jar to keep. 

maybe, hold me. Hold us both?

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Surely it's not supposed to feel like this right? I thought Sundays were always.. Well, Prettier. 

And I've always promised, that I'd be right here when you wake up. 
But I'd never thought about waking up to find that you've been gone. 

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The halves of me that hold me tightly together

They'll also tear me apart


The thing I've always loved about music is its ability to bring you back to a place in your memory. And it doesn't leave you watching through the window either. No, it welcomes you in and you're far, far away from where you were just fifteen seconds ago.
And even if it's a sad memory, to be able to stand where I am and know that I've come away from it, makes me a little bit less sad. 
It's one of those things that've kept me so in love with music- how it wraps itself around you, fits against your skin, fills your head with a familiar smell and leaves you running your fingers along surfaces you thought you'd forgotten the feel of. 

But then, too quickly, I forget what it does to me.

The thing I've always loved about music is its ability to bring you back to a place in your memory. Except, it doesn't always have to be a memory that is your own. 
Suddenly I'm an intruder to a memory that is not mine. 

And here's the thing I hate about music- 
its ability to bring you back to a place without letting you stand on the outside, To watch through the window. 

And you're always too far away for me to save. 


But Actors,
actors aren't allowed to get lost in a memory. So they fall into a memory  with a fishing line attached, and let it float us to a different place. A place that is heartbreakingly close, but not close enough. 

But then by then, you're floating. 
Your actor is present, which makes your character real. 
But you,
Oh you are just floating. 


"I'm flying," she says, "I'm flying, flying, flying."

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, January 13, 2013


But she sings me to sleep, with the sound of her crashing waves.

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, January 7, 2013

A little rain

But she falls asleep in my arms and I realize, all over again,
How i am the luckiest girl in the world.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, January 4, 2013

Christmas & New Year's Afterglow(:

So the new year came and went, and before we've properly settled in, it seems we've already arrived at the end of our first week of 2013.

There's a lot in this past year that I am immensely grateful for. I look around me now, at what I have and what I am heading towards, and I am so amazingly happy.

Today, just a year ago, I'd have been up before the sun and headed for school-Towards something I knew would be good for me. I think the most painful part of that experience was knowing how good it was supposed to be but never quite getting there. It was always a hit and miss. The ground one stood on would never be level. I wore myself out from the inside, and watched my situation eat away at everyone else.
And staring at me, from the borders of that life, were all the things I knew made me happy.

I still get taken aback by all the changes that the last year has brought about. And even though I'm not there yet, it's nice to feel like I am heading in the right direction again. Yes, it might be a long, round-about way, and also a way that promises to be rather pricey but hey, at least I'm on my way.

That aside!
Here's news about the year's end in all its warmth and fuzziness-

Christmas was quiet but strangely tiring, for some reason.
I spent my December weekends, Christmas Day and New Year's Eve being a Singin' Swingin' Santarina.

This was also the year I chose to make a lot of my presents. Erika and I spent an entire afternoon working our little elf hearts out for one group of friends while I spent two other afternoons working on the rest.
I meant to also make an oreo cheesecake as part of the array of gifts I had to give out but, clearly, had next to no time. The cake however, has finally gotten round to being made just last night. So YAY.

And because all that rushing around and spreading Christmas cheer didn't leave me with the opportunity to write-

from Buttons and I(:

This is what my Morning-After-Christmas brekkie looked like for my fam-
Because cute little animals are toootally what anyone would want after Christmas.

As the hype slowed down and we got further away from Christmas, things were made slightly better. It was a rare opportunity to spend off-days together and so, on top of finding time to spend with both sides of the family and both sets of friends, the two of us also found time for ourselves in the form of 

 a duck-robot couple who run a chocolate fondue factory

Some Lego Technic(:

Now, I am a believer in ending off the year well and sailing into it nicely. I often believe that it says something about the way you'll spend the rest of the year.
So, it being my final performance as a Santarina, the family came down to Downtown East to watch. 
After which, we all went for Bak Chor Mee (I mean, how can your year possibly end badly if your last meal of 2012 is Meng's Bak Chor Mee right?!), and Erika tried her darnest to keep me away from the chilli that lived at the bottom of the bowl.
(My throat was well on its way to dying by that point)

Then we brought a bottle of Moscato over to Sharon's and watched the countdown on telly.
Russ, on the other hand, struggled way past his bedtime but switched between napping and getting very excited about new people coming into the house.

And of course,
as I've learnt from Erika's family,
because celebrations call for good food and good food calls for celebration,
we started off the New Year with an AMAZING Brunch date at Wild Honey with Lucas & Cher(:

So now,
if my 2013 is to be anything like my New Year's Celebrations, it's looking like...
a lot of time with each other, with family, with good friends, the occasional drink and an immense amount of good food.
It also means a healthy dose of work, and time for ourselves (with or without each other).
All in all, that sounds like a pretty damn good plan to me.

Happy 2013, you guys(: