At your beck and call

and so,

when you want me, if there comes something for me to do, when I become whatever it is you might need,

When you find use for me again,

let me know.

Curled up under a blanket, heavy with tomorrow's promises

Here's what I miss-
No matter how far away from you I might have felt during the day, we'd come back home together and manage to fix it before falling asleep.

I might've been more tired, and gone to bed first. You might have felt like watching telly after dinner.

And I'd crawl into bed first, tuck myself in, and leave one of the bedside lamps on for you for when you came to bed. You'd come in, just a bit after me, with your glass of water which you'd leave on the make-do table on my side. Turn out your light, and climb into bed.
Then you'd reach for me, curl yourself against me, nuzzle my ear and say goodnight. And I'd find myself leaning into you, and mumbling goodnight.

Somehow or other, from that, we'd always manage to end up talking. It might start off a tiny bit groggily at first, but we'd talk. And we'd be honest. And we'd find that we're okay.
And we'd fall asleep tangled up in each other, content and warm.

I miss that.
I miss that because it could have been the most fantastically wonderful day, or it could've been rather hectic, or it could've been tiring, or it could've been nice and comfy- but whatever it was, however our days turned out, at the end of all of it, we'd come through the front door together, take off our jackets and boots, say hi to the cat, find time for ourselves, find time for family, and find each other again.
And I liked that. I like that.

Feels like I'm home, with you. And I like that feeling.
And I like that we'd fall asleep to the thought of tomorrow. And I loved waking up to you pulling me closer, hearing the wind outside and catching the sun rise.
I always have loved waking up to you.

Just like I've loved coming home to you, or coming home with you.
Just like I've loved doing the simplest things- curling up on the couch and watching movies, planning our days, picking out outfits.
Just like I've loved having coffee in quiet streets, or sitting and watching the rain.

Just like I've loved knowing-
that I'm home, with you.

The paper and pencils have been packed.

In order of...

well, in some kind of order-

TO DO:

1) Clear out my table

2) Clear out my drawers

3) Make some kind of space so that moving these things out will not look like an obstacle course at 3pm.

Time Frame: Now (11.30-ish am to 1pm. Quite do-able, me thinks)

4) Finish up and sort out TTRP application (THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT IS DUE TOMORROW CHARIS, FOR CHRISSAKES)

Time Frame: 1pm-2.30pm OR Late At Night (need to make that less vague)

5) Make sure I'm all set to go by 3pm.

___________________________________

Tomorrow,

1) Submit TTRP Application

2) Pop by spotlight perhaps. Or Ikea. Get myself new sheets.

3) Set up new room.

On a side note, I should probably get off my ass and get myself moved in on that side.

Maybe I'll do that by Wednesday. Actually I can do that by today, save for the bedsheets. So maybe tomorrow.

We'll see how we go.

Now come Adele, make me happy.

Here's the problem-

I don't know what's wrong anymore.

I don't.

I'm the last person I'd want to sit beside on a crowded train right now.

Maybe I'lll just keep going and hope that things fix itself.

Set fire to the rain

Okay, okay. I'm awake, I am.

Opting to eat my breakfast on the side of the road, facing the office, as opposed to sitting inside the Hong Kong Cafe was a good call.
I've ended up watching the sunrise over breakfast. And that's always quite nice.

There's something wrong, I believe, when you're driven to a point where picking the wrong set of keys out of your handbag makes you want to cry. And not because you're in a rush or anything either.

I know I'm being a baby about things, and I sorta wish I hadn't brought it up last night. Isolated and self contained, none of what's going on for me is too overwhelming, really. And my sure, the things I have on, they don't take up entire days. But if you have three 2 hour slots filled in your day. That's six hours gone- and we haven't even begun on travel time yet.
And sure I can pack and move in two hour slots, but while I'm doing that, I'm also planning how to transit into my next two hour slot with something else scheduled.

I'm tired.
And so, I said so.
And no, none of what's going on is faaantastically important or SO big that I can't deal with it. But all the same, I'm tired.
I'm tired because, when I sit down, biting my lip, figuring out what to pack next and how- I feel bad.
When I stop for food, I feel bad.
When I stop packing to go out for rehearsals or just, work, I feel bad.
When I'm packing, less so, but I think of what else I ought to be doing too- like filling out applications, doing laundry. Basically, I take breaks by doing other things on my to do list.

So yes, I know what needs to be done.
And yes, I'm taking active steps and doing things.
And yes, maybe it's not quite as bad as I make it out to be.
And yes, I'm being a baby about all of this.

It's just that, well, I suppose it'd be nice to wake up and go out and not want desperately to be hit by a car so that I can be bedridden and forced to stop. AND THEN feel bad for even thinking that because all I'm thinking is, "but then who's going to pack and do all those things I'm supposed to be doing?"

Like I said, I'm not troubled and it's not a big deal. But all I want to do is curl up under my bed for a bit and cry.

--------------------
Verity, look what you've done now!

--------------------
Find me

I can't keep up with your turning tables

It's June 24th.

On a Friday.

I've officially been a Freelancer (again) for my second Friday now.

It's not actually work that's stressing me out really, it's everything put together.

It's June 24th, on a Friday.

(Randomly, I was wondering why the 24th seemed to ring some kind of bell and I remembered that it's an old anniversary date. Well, not June. Just, 24ths. Back when anniversaries weren't enough and there were Monthsaries as well. Gawd.)

It's June 24th, on a Friday.

It's the first day this week, the first day since I've gotten back from Perth that I don't have to be out and about. The first day I can spend packing. And I have been. Except, it doesn't quite seem to be doing much.

Like, seriously, where the FUCK does all this crap come from?

We want to move out by month end-

Not entirely impossible, I'd say. But if my rate's anything to go by. Or well, I don't know.

Over the last four, five years, this is the third time I'm moving.

You'd think I'd have gotten used to packing lifetimes into boxes. Hah.

Well, I'm less sentimental now. I've been callously chucking things, ripping them up (it's more satisfying) and brutally hauling out things to give away. I can't be fucked anymore, quite honestly speaking. We probably wouldn't miss half the things if they accidentally got burnt up.

The rate I'm going, I'd say I stand a decent chance at moving out by Sunday.

But there's all the family things too. I don't know how to work this out best, frankly speaking.

With this lack of an outside pressure (which is good but also has its down sides), it doesn't seem likely that there'll be ONE BIG MOVING DAY where people come in and clear out our shit and like it or not, TA DAH-

We're tripping over dustbunnies and half-taped boxes in our new living room.

It's not supposed to be so difficult. And this move is supposed to be nicer, isn't it?

Because it's our place and all and yadayada.

So, a thought-

Maybe If I manage to get my shit together, I can move over first and then come back to clear and help. Because that'll = space = time = extra hands = more incentive for family to join me = less hover-about-type of pressure.

Right? Well I don't know. Just a thought.

So. It's June 24th, on a Friday.

The proposed deadline is Month end, June 30th. That's a Thursday.

Tomorrow, June 25th: I have to be up and around doing something or other for work.

Sunday, June 26th: I'm supposed to have a contractor in to lay down my plinth.

Monday, June 27th: My application for TTRP is due. Oh my God. I need to sort that out.

Tuesday, June 28th: Performance at SDC

Wednesday, June 29th: Surely, surely I've got something on because there is never any peace for the wicked.

Thursday, June 30th: Performance at SDC. Oh wait, is that the deadline for moving?

Friday, July 1st: Audition

Saturday, July 2nd: First Saturday of Term 3 for the children.

There'll likely be a meeting next week then, so that we know for sure what's happening.

So go on, go. Tell me what to do. Tell me, how I might possibly, possibly scrounge together a few minutes to make SOMETHING work.

Fucking hell I need a smoke. Okay, no. That might just be the coffee telling me that.

And then, and then the term will start.

And every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon's not mine. And possibly every Wednesday and Friday afternoon too.

And there won't be anymore Saturday mornings.

If I wanted these six months to take a break,

then why doesn't it feel like I am?

Somewhere on the outside, waiting

Keys on the floor, she could barely fit them into the lock.

Quite beside herself with giggles, she walks herself to the kitchen. "In a straight line!" She exclaims, pleased. No one's around to tell her that it isn't as straight as she thinks it is, so really, that's okay.

Pours herself a glass of milk first, then a separate glass of water, before leaning into the sink to drink from the tap.

She's been so sad, that now she's happy.

Except, she's so happy, that she's really quite sad.

Presses her warm, flushed cheek against the cool marble tiles. "Just for a while," she whispers, to the nobody that's around her, "just for a while."

And she lies still, until the spinning room slows down, until her head stops buzzing, until her breathing evens.

Until, she can picture herself in your arms again.

This is how the story goes-

Baby koala(:

for a heart worth a-breaking

Today seemed a pretty productive day! It's unbelievable how happy my Uke makes me(:
I was going at it as mommy drove me to and from the audition at the Esplanade. That one didn't go brilliantly I don't think.
I don't know- I never think I make fantastic impressions. For someone who's mostly be in theatre, and for most of her life at that, I'm very small.
That's why I'm also very boring to watch when I sing live, in my opinion that is.

But anyway! I digress!
I took mommy to Max Brenners. Mmm(:
And then I assaulted her with my Uke-plucking all the way home. Y'know as she drove/ got stuck in traffic/ shook fists and flipped people off. Okay naw, it wasn't really that bad. The drive back I mean. I'm not sure about the uke-playing, but I was happy(:

I found out that my Plinth guy is actually a Plinth woman! So that's funny.
I'm really really REALLY happy that I'm getting a Plinth laid down in my loo. And that I got that sorted out myself too(: so they'll come in on Saturday and take all day. Need to sort out the schedule with the family, come to think of it.

So anyway, I'm off for dinner now.
And noodoos are on the menu. I likey.


On my way home(:

Shit

Okay. I know what's happening here!

My body clock is screwed up. Like, very very VERY screwed up.

Not even in a tangible, fixable I-sleep-at-3am-and-wake-at-1pm-kinda way.

Nope.

It's half past two and I'm going to bed even though I'm bloody knackered and wanted to sleep since I said goodnight on the phone just now at, was it 11pm then?

Then I get up at 10am.

Well, today I did.

But for the last week we've been dozey by 7pm, well at least I have, then crawled into bed at half past ten or so(and believe me we were knackered by then). We'd fall asleep somewhere between half past one and half past four, because we'd chat and catch up with each other at the end of the day which is always nice.

And then My alarm will go off at 6am so that I can roll out of bed latest by 7am, because I take for-frikkin-ever to get ready while Erika takes all of fifteen minutes.

So I'm awake between like 6-7am and then we're fully awake and ready somewhere between 8-9am.

I don't understand that.

I was at 5.30 service with Erika on Sunday, and I was sort of a little bit dozey.

"Perth mode", she called it, tapping her watch that showed three minutes past six, "It'd be dark by now."

Granted. But I was sleepy by seven ish or so over there, and I am here too! Kind of. And want to sleep by 9pm.

Except.

Okay. I'm just confusing myself AND DELAYING MY GOING TO SLEEP.

rawr.

Tomorrow looks like it'll be nice.

I've packed most of my shoes and all my trinkets. I just need to clear the shelf completely, and the black table.

Then I will go claim my much needed alone time.

And then, dinner's with AJ and Steph tomorrow. And we haven't seen them since they've moved out, so that'll be nice.

Oh, and I'm lining up potential babysitters for us.

I love teaching teenagers((:

The way she says Yes

"So I'm in love with you," she says. And I stop short, mid-chorus, and smile.

I'm in love with her too.

with your boots by the door

and my coat on the rack

Turning Tables

Dear Diary,

I am very tired today.

Not physically, not physically at all. Mostly annoyed at all the things I should/can be doing. And fighting with the thought of, "don't I deserve some rest?"

Because, quite frankly, I almost believe I do.

I have a long to-do list, and it's only my first week back as a Freelancer.

Y'know, taking my life, schedule and Ical into my own hands? Except, I'm not. Not really.

To a certain point, I feel dangerously unmotivated. At the same time I figure, surely it's okay to sit still and breathe for a second or two.

Except I'm not. I'm not actively resting, I'm doing it accidentally and so it frustrates me even more.

I wrote a song last night. Well, this morning, and I'm pretty pleased with it. I can't wait to try it out on my Ukulele and see how it sounds.

But I don't feel particularly productive. Even though I wrote it as I was falling asleep.

And I went for an audition today. It was alright, no biggie.

I've gotten rusty from this lack of auditions and exposure and sitting around and writing.

I've got a few of my recording equipment with me, and thinking about it now, I figure, I'll set it up once I've moved. So then, that makes me sorta excited.

But then, it also doesn't. Because.

Well because when it's come to my music I haven't always been very "out there" about it.

I should pack. I can pack, can't I? Maybe then, perhaps, I'd feel more productive. I'd feel like, I'm closer to something even though I don't know what it is.

I've got another audition on Wednesday, and rehearsals on Thursday and stuff on Saturday morning.

I'm sitting in this kip of a room and I'm just, just generally annoyed. I don't know at what, that's the thing. Maybe myself.

And I kind of want to sit and cry.

And I've been eating too much chocolate. So that sort of sucks.

This is me thinking out loud though.

So I figure, I should do what I always do and go back to the question that I throw at myself, and that I'd ask anyone in this place-

What do you want?

What do I want?

I want to go pick up my Ukulele and sit by the river and play. And then I want to sit in a corner and feel happy and content. And then I want to pack. And I want to move in to my new apartment cos I'm actually really excited about it.

And then I want to set up my recording corner with Haze (uh oh, come to think of it, I left haze in the office). And I want to do things with Haze and my Uke. Like take over the world one chord at a time.

And I'm okay with not doing DIC at all this term. In fact, you know what, I think I'll completely pass on DICs this term and instead, just sing and act and do the kiddies' program.

I'll get by on that and tutoring, maybe I'll sit on the sidewalk and sing for change. Maybe I'll write you a song and sell it.

Right now though, I also want to sit in a corner and cry a bit. That and picking up my Uke are the first things on my To Do list.

Except.

And I know this sounds stupid but,

I can't find the time.

And I don't even really know for sure why I'm sad.

It's my first week being a Freelancer again, how can I be sad?

Maybe I'll start with the packing.

Then I can pick my Uke up tomorrow.

And then maybe, just maybe, I'll find my sanity again.

Love,

C

Post holiday blues

It's Monday.

And sure, I'm not at work but there's so many things to do and fuck, I think I'm getting frustrated just at the thought of all of it.

Of course I know that we can't always be on holiday and that there's always life to get back to.

Of course I know, also, that it'll turn out to be pretty damn boring if all we did was be on holiday all the time.

But right now, it's this two-fold thing where

1) I'm missing my hobo-time, because I haven't EVER had like a three month break or any kind of random break where I just sit around for weeks and not know where my next meal's coming from.

And yes, thank you, I am very much looking forward to my next six months, but I also have things lined up for me. Which I suppose I shouldn't be doing for myself. But then, I do anyway and GAWD, I just need to stop for two seconds and catch my breath butguesswhatIcan'tbecauselookslikeI'vegottarushforanauditionthisafternoon. Amongst other things for which my deadline is the end of this month which is only about-

OH LOOK! 10 days away from today.

2) I'm actually missing Perth. Like, the place. Atop the holiday mode and all of that.

It's a few things put together I suppose. How we are and such. And I'm fully aware of how holidaying some place is completely different from living there. But I'm just. I'm not just missing it like, "Oh I really loved Phuket. I could live there with a scooter and sell seashells."

I'm actually missing it.

Maybe working or doing things will be a good thing, then I can just stop thinking about it.

mmmm. I didn't actually get to eat this but I sure as hell wish I did now!

I like being happy like that(:

Perth

So we just got in last night after a week away.

It was too short, too quick, too amazing, too beautiful. Most holidays tend to be though, don't they?

But I guess what I really really like, is that it sorta doesn't really feel final. There doesn't quite seem to be an air of finality.

Not when we were packing (we've left a couple of things behind we realized), not when we were walking along the beach and getting caught in the rain.

Not when we were saying goodbye and not even when we got dropped off at the airport.

We're back now, with shitty complexion (well more me than anything) and itchy noses and pressies to take out and the confusion, pure utter confusion of walking around home in a shirt and wondering why I'm not freezing. But I've missed my family and I've loooved giving them their pressies(:

Can't wait to talk about the trip and post pictures. Although I'll admit, honestly, Facebook makes pictures HEAPS easier. So I might have more there.

There are bits of being home that I don't like.

Like opening my eyes and realizing I'm not being hit by blinding white and a thick duvet and the sound of the wind right outside our window. Like finding that I'm waking up alone. Like realizing that there's a lot, quite a lot of things to be getting back to- in terms of work and things to do and just well, life really.

But.

I'll go pick myself up a Uke, think about gorgeous sunsets and walks on the beach and random patches of grass and wants and promises and dreams and then,

and then, we'll just see how we go.

bring me sunshine, in your smile

Phonecall

1) I'm trying. I really am.

2) Feels like I can't fix it fast enough. Fix me fast enough.

3) Which brings me back to this- how I can't do it right. How maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or maybe I don't want this bad enough to want to fix it me, and the problem that I am or have become.

4) It's always easier to stop trying. But I'm trying to quell that nagging thought.

5) It feels like either ways, I'm always trying. I'm always somewhere in between, just trying to get to an end.

6) Dial tones make me sad. They always have.

7) Somehow, i managed to single-handedly ruin tonight.

8) Feels like I'm fighting a losing battle against myself. Except I've fought the exact same fight before, and now we're just, older. All of us are. Including the fight.

9) I've actually been really excited about my trip. But right now, right now I just want to curl up in the corner of a toilet, and cry. Y'know, for a week or so.

10) I'm sorry. That it affects you the way it does. That I don't know what to say or do to make it better. That I need fixing. That you can't do it. That I'm not doing it properly or that I can't seem to do it fast enough. That I just ended up dragging you in.

I'm sorry, I really am.

and these shadows, they catch me by the wrist

In the empty aisles of walmart

I'll be here.

Two steps behind you.

When you let go of my hand,

When you go off for a bit, or stop off to the side, or gravitate towards something of interest-

two steps behind you

Always.

Just in case you want to turn back and reach for my hand again

She always did say,

that she loved like a girl

A question. Or two.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I've gotten it all wrong.

Maybe,

I sorta miss you.

But realizing again, it makes me smile

Sometimes, I forget how in love with you I am.

How annoyingly sappy I find myself, how I'd do anything to make you happy,

How it feels like I could keep doing this with you for ages on.

Sometimes I realize, how easily we could've missed each other. How likely we could've just not been.

How easy it is we fit now, when you pull me to you.

We've been awfully busy of late. I sort of don't want to miss out on saying Goodnight to you before you fall asleep, or See You Later when you head off to work, or I'm Home Now when I crawl into bed ages after you.

And I know I'm sappy, and I'm being such a shmuck but,

I love you. I hope you know.

Because I sorta also don't want to miss out on being enough of a shmuck to tell you, whenever I'm thinking it.

excited like a hamster

for Perth, Perth, PERTH!

And mymy, what a busy schedule we have leading up to our leaving.

Oh woe, woe indeed!

But we'll pull through. It'll be okay.

And then we'll be OFF!

So after my last post, I found myself at Orchard Central picking out sneakers.

They are looooove.

(:

It's been a nice long day. Never mind that I haven't run in three days and I literally think I'm going mad.

It's been a nice long day.

And I will run in the morning.

And sometimes

I think, I can be normal.

Or at least try.

I can get out of this.

Something we haven't done for a while

So Sunday Brunch, or rather, brunch in general has been completely out of the question given our fantastic schedules of recent.
But this lovely, thunderstormy Sunday morning proved to be the loveliest unplanned surprise in a very long while.
(:

After, I even managed a spot of shopping! And I am sooooo happy with my buys! I haven't been this happy with my shopping for a while, I like it. The happiness I mean. Well, and what I bought.
Of course the fact that I had to get something in a Small (which hasn't happened in absolute years) added to this generally happy feeling(:

Sunday crowds don't make very good movie company but- I REALLY LIKED X MEN.
Whoop! And I'm not complaining about my movie date either((:

I am a very happy bunny today.
Miaow.

Oh, Mary Jane.

Maybe I didn't want to be weird, maybe I didn't want people to start noticing (although she wouldn't have, she hasn't been around for so long),

maybe I thought I deserved it, maybe I was tired, maybe I wanted to.

Or maybe, I was looking for an excuse.

To be weak. To give in.

So I did.

There's a whole lot to make up for now.

Yum!

There are so many things for me to be excited about!

1) My new room

Omgomg, it's in my head, the layout, the new furniture, the everything. OMG.

I'm so excited. I likeeee.

I just spent this evening picking out bedframes online. Ah yes, this generation and its technology has done me wonders.

2) PERTH!

AAAAAAAAH. We're leaving in 10 days. Which honestly sounds a whole lot longer than it actually is. Hrmm. The week leading up to Perth just seems jam-packed with stuff. Almost sounds like we're going to be away for a decently long period of time.

Sadly, we're not): We'll be back in a week. BUT STILL. PERTH. YAY.

I can't wait.

3) Sunset Picnic with my Kuo Chuan Babies.

I.have.missed.them.so.frikkin'.much. Wow. And that's the thing, see. I like just hanging out with them in general. Because they're fun and hilarious.

I'm excited.

4) Next week will prove to be a deliriously short week-

Yes I'm working this weekend, but I've got two days off next week to packpackpack. If the youth program happens (which I do hope it does), that'll be quite cool.

But then, come Friday I'll be off and away! Well not literally.

Friday's actually Vic's birthday dinner. We need to sort that out. haha.

5) PERTH! OMGOMG. PERTH((: