Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

So we've come round to that time of the year again where we make promises we can't keep.
(but we still try to anyhow)

So here I am, twenty minutes before having to leave for Muay Thai, laundry starting, churning out my resolutions (you don't really have to read this)


1) I need to finish all my subjects by June. Even if it means working a lot less and living off my mom and (possibly) not even being able to go to Australia.

2) I want to be able to decide on where I'm going, exactly and sort out the bloody logistics of it all.

3) I want to spend more time with my family

4) I want to keep to my promise before getting 2010's second and third tattoo

5) Find a Muay Thai Gym to train at while I'm in the States. (this is the toughest. And of lowest priority. It should be at the end. ah fuck it.)

6) Have the EP recorded and out by June. (time to pull your socks up Charis!)

7) I want to spend lots more time with my daddy and the two younger ones

8) I want to be more patient and more tolerant of Fishbone

9) Attempt to re-litter train Buttons to use sawdust for pooping. I don't mind her peeing habits, since she goes directly to the drain. But my future housemates might not be particularly keen on seeing a nice fresh warm pile of poop right next to their own human bog.

10) I want to save. A lot. So that next year (2011) won't be so crazy for me.
So that mommy won't be coughing up blood keeping me away from Singapore.

So that's my list of ten. I want to keep to it as much as I can of course. And since I've gone off smokes (other than the once in a while), I think half the battle's won!
Anyway, clearly (and not very surprisingly), my post has bored you half to death.
So here's a little cheerer-upper, so you don't feel s bad about your own New Year's Resolutions.


Christmas came late love!

Last Christmas had me so excited that I scheduled for you guys in singapore, months in advance! (like freaking october)

Anyway, here's hoping you muff-munchers and knob-nibblers (and everyone else in between) had a lovely Christmas!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

decisions, decisions

I've made two already.

The first is that if moving back home (to UK) means being without my black furball for three-four years, then I won't do it. I can't.
With age and the moving (twice only as opposed to three times), it's not a problem. But I doubt Aunty Esther would be keen on a teenage black ball of fur with long nails.
Don't tell me I'm stupid for making a decision like that, it's just a factor. A large factor, but a factor nonetheless.

The second decisions is a deal that I've made with myself.
And that is that I will lose 5-10kg (or something in between) before getting my second tattoo which will lead to my third.
ps, the terms "first,second and third tattoo" apply to "after 2009".
The third, by the way, is going to be incredibly beautiful.
Imagine something like this:
just smaller and a different word altogether. It's a phrase really.
So I'm excited.
The second is something I'm doing that represents a bunch of my closest friends. I love much.

So anyway, as you can see from the location, it is important that I lose weight!
I've also done research so being getting pregnant will not affect this tattoo all that much. Unless I have like freaking sixtuplets (please, I don't want!)

ta dah.

happy bunny, happy bunny.
I'm also going to write up my new year's resolutions soon. :D

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

oh meeeaow

well, considering i have work i cannot believe i'm up at this hour.
In the middle of creating something unbelievably stupid and lame but i think it's funny!
so you must support it and contribute!
(ESPECIALLY NER! You'll see why in my next post!)

until then, meow to yourself when you're in a life with strangers!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

paws over eyes and the prettiest sighs


So honestly, right now I feel really tired. It's just generally been so tiring that it is tiring.
the year's opening up and it's like standing in line outside the doors of Victoria Secret at 6am on Black Friday;
You can't actually see into the shop yet, or see the things you'll be rushing for, but you know when the doors open you've got to CHARGE LIKE HELL.
Oh when will this madness cease!

These are things lined up for me in 2010:
- Finishing of associate's degree. yes i've procrastinated THAT LONG.
It's terrible, and i want to shoot myself. i really do
- work and saving up
- Music EP recorded and released before june
- packing for my move, spending as much time with fishbone as i can
- applications to schools
- complete travel to thailand/australia/hole in the surface of the moon by june
- have sorted out buttons' paperwork
- gotten theeee special tattoos
- one mini-musical
- couple of short films
- theatre productions
- Muay thai fights (lets hope i dont break my nose)

I'm literally falling asleep as i type this, it's crazy.
But I just realized that work is on tuesday and not tomorrow so i'm not fretting as much. besides, it's cat high and i really like cat high(:

I think i'll start with a morning swim and a load of laundry tomorrow.
But right now, incredibly tired.

The festive season has gotten me terribly anti-social, and honestly, all i want to do right now is lounge around with a smoke and some port in my dimly-litted room with nice music and an adooorable meow meow.

excited about living with buttons, having carpeted floors when it's cold outside and making coffee in the mornings and thinking about my day ahead.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

a lifetime ago

I actually uploaded two pictures. The second contained a really old picture of myself and Victor. And I freaking looked more manly than victor. It was the ugliest shit I have EVER SEEN.

I can't believe Christmas is like five days away! HOW UNBELIEVABLE IS THAT.
I likey.

For the oddest reason, this year we haven't been putting up wishlists of any sort.
BUT ANYWAY! JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET ME (wow how shameless am i!), here's a few stuff that i'd like

Muay Thai Handwraps (can never have too many!)- pink/black

and that's really about it.
You could wrap up a wad of cash in a red ribbon and i'd be happy too(:

I'm off to bed now.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Going for Take One in 5,

and already screwing up.

I think what I feel, above all, is immense frustration and disappointment at myself. It was all arranged, all set, way before hand. And as solid, as sure as those answers seemed at the time, they turned out to well, not be as positive as I thought.
I ought to be understanding I suppose; that children are unpredictable, that parents cannot bend over backwards to accommodate their kids. But it's difficult. So unbelievably difficult.
Not because it makes me look bad, no.
But because I tried my damnest to make it convenient, simple, a no-brainer. I want to give, but then, no one seems very keen on taking. How does that work?

And right now, at 12am, I'm doing last minute preparations for tomorrow's program. It's not that preparing for ten is a huge deal, it's that it's disheartening knowing the likely possibility that only about half will be used. And what then?
I jumped in, all excited, everyone else got roped in and in the end, there's likely to only be five kids turning up.
Five kids. When there are what, five trainers?
Makes me want to cancel the entire thing. Run away so I won't feel this insane burning shame.

I wish i had more time. We always say that don't we.
But i ought to turn up and face the sad shaking of heads. I wish there was more I could do. I wish people would bother to pick up the freaking phone.
I wish I didn't feel so darn shitty about this, especially at the last minute.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The furry cup

My my, well aren't I just grotesque!
I always go on about people who don't update their blogs regularly and just look at what has become of me! GASP.

I've gotten lazy, is what's happened.

So anyway, after much bumming around in the week since getting back from Hong Kong, I finally went back for Muay Thai. With the influx of new students, it's been incredibly hard to get a decent work out these days. But to my lovely surprise, I had an entire class to myself this afternoon.
So, after two rounds of bag work and four rounds of pad work (he usually only does 2-3 rounds), I had a full three rounds of sparring!

Okay, so I got punched in the eye once and got kicked a lot ( i really need to get better at defending. garsh) But i did get a few decent kicks and counter-attacks in. So yay me!
I'm starting to miss chilling by the pool a bit though. hmm.
Either ways, I'm usually like insanely happy right after. Tired out, but awfully happy.

Oh yes, just to make for an interesting read (not really), here's what happened to me today.
It was one of my ogre days and i'd decided not to bathe right after Muay Thai. So i stuck myself right at the back of the bus and about half an hour into the bus ride, this big dude sits beside me. By that time the bus was reasonably crowded of course.
After a full ten minutes (at least) of him peering at my phone and blatantly turning to look right at me, he finally asked,
"This bus, does it go to Hougang Central?"
"yes." I reply,
"Oh," he laughs, "Thanks. I'm more familiar with the train."
"Ah, I see." I reply, smiling politely.

As I turn away again however, he suddenly points at my phone.
"I heard something from you this phone, is it your speaker very good?"
"uhm," I think, "well actually my music's just kinda loud. but the speakers are good i suppose."
Then it continued into this mindless natter about this nokia phone and that nokia phone. Just as my intestines were making their way up my gullet and out my mouth to strangle me, he went,
"So, you're Singaporean?"

This is why it's weird:
If you feel the need to check whether or not I'm from your country, then something's telling you that I just might not be. If that is the case, why to phrase the question like that? You, my friend, would have had extra points if you'd asked, "You're not from Singapore are you?" or at the VERY least, "Are you from Singapore?"
Gosh, even your getting-to-know-you questions sound accusative!

"No actually," I say, mentally rolling my eyes so far back in my head that they've fallen onto my intestines that were snaking their way up my gullet.
"I'm from UK."
"AH!" he says, knowingly, "No wonder you've got a Cockney accent!" He smiles at the cleverness of his statement.
YOU DAFT, INSULTING, TWIT-HEADED MORON! And he CLEARLY thought himself very clever.
I was literally too stunned to punch him.
"Which part are you from?" He asks, happily.
"Ah!" He nods knowingly again, "Kents!"
It's Kent you ignorant fool! There is no plural!
"Yes," I reply, "but I didn't grow up there, so this accent I have, it's not Cockney. Nothing like it at all."
After some more mindless natter and random questions I hop off the bus. Finally.

Some people. Oh, some people.
Just like the other day! But then, I'd best keep that story for a separate entry, hadn't I?
Because at this rate, I could do multiple entries everyday!

Besides, I ought to work at getting my biological clock back to working condition. Bloody hell.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

being a mommy

My reason to tuck myself in at night, even when the troll in me wants to stay up late eating children.
My reason to wake up in the mornings, to rush home after work. To hop on one foot as I wait for my flight back to Singapore.

They give me something to blog about, just as I've decided I'm too zonked to even be alive. They make me smile to myself in my bedroom, empty and quiet. They make me sit up and stare at them for just a bit longer before squirming under the sheets.

I don't know how it is even remotely possible to feel all the things that I do.
They're my darlings, my little baby angels. They were Christmas presents in February and September.
They're everything to me and I just love them so incredibly much. Yes they knock things over and sometimes ruin things that are brand new. But those things are replaceable and they are not.

How many cats mew desperately and crawl into your lap for a snuggle while you're on the computer? How many cats scratch at your bedroom door, just because they want to fall asleep with you and not because they're hungry?
How many, despite hissing at each other, roll their eyes and then curl up back to back just so they can sleep with mommy? (especially when they can NEVER sleep together)

So this is my life.
I've got the two most beautiful babies in the world. I wake up to their kisses and their cold noses and their purring and their kneading.
I love them so so SO much


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

and a happy new year.

Sometimes I wonder why we bite our tongue, or stuff our fists into our mouths to keep from punching. I wonder why we vet through our blog posts before posting it up because we're afraid we'll get our asses thrown in jail for expressing our own opinion.

Because honestly, I do feel like blowing up places known for animal abuse. Honestly? I WOULD punch someone in the face if I saw that person abusing an animal. Honest to God, I would stab someone in the fucking face if that person was doing something unthinkable to an animal.
And why shouldn't I?
If no one else is going to protect strays or lift a finger to help in any way possible, then why shouldn't I, or any other decent human who believes in animal rights, be allowed to stand up for a poor defenseless animal?

I don't know about other countries, but from some local articles, I realized that many locals believe we don't have our priorities right. That we're irresponsible. That our fellow humans should be our concern. And if we don't think about fellow humans, how can we even begin to talk about animal rights.
Yeah, says he slinking past in his merc and trying to beat that school kid to the zebra crossing.
That's normal though.

Do you not see, my brainless, fuckheaded twit of a friend? Humans do not even deserve to be around.
Do they kill each other for survival, for food? No. People kill each other for the heck of it. They pick fights because their girlfriend got looked at. They rape their grandchildren. They shove and push each other and then tell other people that animal lovers are being inconsiderate because the cats they feed leave fur on the hood of their white car. They see themselves as having power over animals. And they abuse that, and they abuse animals.
Have you ever seen an animal abusing another animal? No.
Humans are the last thing on earth that deserve to be alive. You, me, I, her, him. We're no better than the next and what you need to understand is that people who feed those strays in your area, they DO NOT need to think about the likes of you for even a second.

While those Cat people are waking up at five, six in the morning to feed these cats by the dozens before work, what are you doing besides wanking off between your satin sheets? Most of these cat feeders don't even have cars or a job that pays them enough.
So while you're whining about your precious car that's got cat fur on it (oh dear, how will you EVER get rid of that eh?), these people are probably sorting out their finances for next month to see if they can afford to feed something other than themselves.

Not everyone is as self-absorbed as yourself.

Everytime I hear about animal abuse or the likes, I feel like punching that person.
Okay, that was a fat lie. I honestly don't feel like doing that.
I feel like doing to them what they have done to that animal. You hit a dog in the eye until it got all bloody? I'll do that to you too, AND leave you in an area you're unfamiliar with so that you end up wandering around lost.
Did you cut up that kitten's tail and skin it?
How about I tie you down and slowly cut the skin of your dick and balls AND THEN proceed to cut it up into PIECES. not cut it off, mind you, CUT IT UP INTO PIECES AND WATCH YOU BLEED?

If you can do that to an animal, why shouldn't it be done to you?

I went up to China for a few days while I was in Hong Kong, and there was such horrendous things being committed in broad daylight, on the busy streets! On top of the spitting and shoving and nose-digging that is.

Humans do not have an ounce of a right to walk this earth. Not an ounce.
Right after Steve Irwin got stung by a stingray, hundreds of stingrays were found dead on the shores, with their stingers cut off. Is that what he would have wanted? If you were really such a fan of his, you'd know that you're doing exactly what he fought against and he would not have respected you in the least.
When Timothy and Amy, the documentary show-host and his girlfriend got mauled and partially devoured by a grizzly bear after working to protect the bears for so many years, what did the park rangers do?
Park Rangers, mind you, people of the LAW. They shot two of the oldest bears in the area.
Because, "If there were to be any suspects it'd definitely have been the two off them."
Lets not even talk about how insanely STUPID it is that you'd shoot an animal for attacking something in the wild. Let's put that aside, since you've decided to ride on the excuse of treating the case as you would a murder.
Would you shoot the first two suspects that you had, if they were humans? Just the first two that you figured were the perps? I don't think so. What happened to innocent until proven guilty?
And that's not even talking about the fact that Tim and Amy were in the territory of grizzly bears. They had been for ages and they knew the risk it came with. What if a rabbit shot you in the face because you shot its sibling for some roast rabbit?
YOU would think its unfair, now wouldn't you?

I'm so drained just listening and reading all of this.
What it boils down to is this:
We don't deserve to be around. I will punch people who abuse animals.
Singaporeans are A FUCK LOT more self-absorbed than I thought if they're whinging about their car being furry thanks to strays. For fuck's sake, YOU shed hair too, you just have a domestic help to pick up after you because you don't know how to wipe your fucking ass.
Human beings annoy me. I would like to stab them in the face with the pen Vicky got me last Christmas.

ps: I love Buttons(right) and Fishbone(left) with all my heart. I don't see how anyone could look at a face like that and feel like hurting them, their species or creatures equally as vulnerable, naiive and trusting.
Mommy loves you babies.3.

Fuck human beings.


So I'm back from Hong Kong with three dvds full of random recordings, a whoooole bunch of pictures (which i am not likely to upload considering how big they are, coming from TLC's slr), a tumtum full of chinky foodies and lots and lots and LOTS of presents(:

I got to meet up with family, albeit for a very limited period of time, I got to meet my grandpappy for the first time in my life, and I got to meet up with my Godma who I haven't seen in four years. That's her in the picture, btw(:
She's one of the most beautiful people I know and she'd gotten more beautiful since we last met. Every time we meet I'm stunned at how well-picked a Godma she is.
She was born in UK, although she's completely Chinese. Her birthday's on the sixteenth of March. She loves animals (she had 13 cats at one point). She's super ditzy (although she's really smart at the same time actually, she's a doctor! there's a bit we don't have in common ): )
My parents wanted to call me Abigail.

It's always fun, meeting up with her and Aunty Terase. They (plus mommy) go wayyyy back. It's nice, and I always see my friends and I doing the same thing. I like.

So now, I'm sorting out stuff for my next trip out. Fingers crossed! ack.

I've got a tonned of stuff to pack up now though and baby buttons is pawing at the door.
So i'd best be off!


Friday, November 27, 2009

Higgley Piggley Bumble Bee

Soooooo, I am flyflyflying away!

The route is basically Hong Kong- Shen Zhen - Hong Kong. Lots to do, lots to see, lots of people to meet.
My maternal grandfather for one. I've been in a habit of referring to him as "my real grandfather" while talking to people and they keep going, "you mean you've got a fake one?"
It is a big deal for me because well, I haven't met him before in my entire life. I don't even think he knows what I look like. So it's a bit strange.
But it'll be nice to meet him, it really will.

Then there's my aunt and uncle who will be flying over from LA to Hong Kong around the same time, and hopefully, I'll get to meet up with my Godma again. She's just SOOOOO much fun.

I think what I'm looking forward to the mostest, out of everything, is the weather. That kind of weather, and Christmas vibes, and you have a very very VERY happy Charis<3

Managed to have a lovely swim and get a tan today. So I'll look nicely roasted BEFORE going off to look all pale and whale-ish.
There's just an insane amount of shit to get done right now, I think I'm going MAD MAD MAD.
Best be off! I even have to finish math homework first!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

if you find yourself on my side of town,

funky mirrors make hot bodies!

So yesterday was spent doing the last bit of my Children's Christmas Program- planning.
All I had to do was do the little Arts & Crafts pieces. I'm quite happy with them because they look awfully cute!

Then I had to do Rudolph.
So I started out by drawing my own reindeer first.
Now I'm no artist and my drawing sucks balls. So considering all that, I'm quite happy with what I came up with! ^^
Then I took that sketch and made it into a template to cut Rudolphs!

Ta Dah! You have Rudolph the red-nosed Reindeer.

Well, that's work for you.(:

I'd like to wear a pretty little dress tomorrow. Except I'm out of pretty little dresses.
I'm not kidding you! They're all too casual or too NOT casual. There doesn't seem to be any in between, and that's starting to peeve me a little bit.
Groan, all these clothes. All I likey very much! THEN HOW?

Nope I haven't finished packing for Hong Kong yet. So I suppose I ought to go do that then.

Hurry Christmas, Hurry Fast.

oh Lord, I love Christmas. I do, I do, I DO.
And I'm excited!
So excited:D:D

There's the children's programme (which is why I'm googling for reindeer at 12.20am), and the Christmas parties and the presents (ooooh, I just LOOOOOVE presents!), the night watch services, the Christmas lights, the shopping, the buildup.

Oh I love I love!

Christmas shopping will all be done in Hong Kong, it's the loveliest excuse to shooooooop!


Sunday, November 22, 2009

a litre of tears

"Do you still miss her?" I ask
"Oh yes, of course. Yes, yes I do." He pauses and smiles for a bit, "I uh, I still keep her picture with me."

It's a realization that hurts, and I am moved to tears.
His daughter, blinded by her anger for him, can't even begin to guess. His girlfriend, with an entire world of priorities and plans and reaches, she wouldn't understand.

That she talks to him in dreams.
That she is happy.
That he is happy, so happy, knowing that she is.

There is a world you wish you could undo, but because you can't, even if you don't want to,
you become stronger.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

a trash bag full of what ifs

I saw the sunset and started tearing up. Then I re-focused my thoughts and started organizing.
Throwing questions at myself, I grappled with the reality of the answers that I was providing. I sifted through the melodrama, the self-pity, the issues that stemmed from events nearly a decade ago.

All I was left with was a box of melodrama marked "To Throw",
and the realization that really, I'm fine.

and hold yourself there for 60 seconds. If you feel like dying, continue holding until you do

"You're angry." He says.
"No I'm not." I reply.
"You're angry. Why?"
"I'm not!"
come on, really? All I've been doing is skipping for the last fifteen minutes!

"I know," he insists, "I know you're angry. why?"
"I don't know."
and I don't. But I do know that I know how to smile and be okay.

"Hand okay?" He asks, startling me a bit.
He reaches for my left wrist and I turn my arm over. It's clean, save for the scars.
"Good." He says, beaming at me.
He nods. "I know," he says simply, "I know."

It's crazy.
It feels crazy, that he sees right through me. That he identified an emotion that I didn't even realize was present.
That he bothered to at all.

That he bothered.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I'm going crazy, I am.
Can't breathe and I just hate crying when I feel like this. Like all knotted up and like there's so many things to do that I can't concentrate on just one.

It's been so long, today.
So long and so tiring and I need to breathe, I need to breathe and I can't.
I want to curl up in bed but I can't and there's just such an insane amount of stuff to do.
I want to look forward to something, but you can't possibly look forward to something that isn't there.

And oh there's just so much, and I don't think I could take it all.
It's only 8:48 in the evening and it feels like it way past midnight. And I'm so tired. I'm tired, I am.

And I'm.going.insane.


Friday, November 13, 2009

Think I'm going to turn into a pile of red lumpy skin in the middle of the night):
And she says having expectations was her fault,
and so does she,
and she.

But then when we realize, it's always a bit too late isn't it?


Hello, I am a cutter.

I've just come back from an amazing and refreshing time in Batam. A time where I was very filled and returned happy as a clam.

But I am still a cutter.
And I have been a cutter for seven years now.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing like the rush of feeling everything flow out from that single exit point. "I'll help that along," you think, and you're laughing, smiling, sickeningly delirious as you blindly swing at your arm over and over and over again.
And then your breathing evens, and you sober up by pressing tissue against yourself in an attempt to soak up the mess that is you.
But in those few minutes, the world is made right again. You are in control because you're the only one who can cause yourself more hurt than the people around you. You are in control because you know of a way to release the anger or frustration that is knotted up in your chest and destroying you from the inside out.

And for a while after that, you find yourself smiling. Smiling because you've a secret under your sleeve that the world doesn't know about. Smiling because they can try to destroy you but they can't come close enough. Smiling, because everytime you press down on your sleeve again, you send a sharp pain searing through your arm. A pain that helps you relax and breathe and smile at people.

Hello, I am a cutter. I've been a cutter for seven years now, and I will likely be one for the rest of my life.
But then, for the first time in seven years, I'm typing all of this out on a public blog.
A blog you will read and laugh at, point at, and pass judgement.
I don't need pity, or shouts of "get yourself on medication!" I don't want people to tell me that anything that I go through is not worth cutting myself over. Because you have no clue. It's not whether or not the issue is worth it, is that this is my coping mechanism.
It might not be the best, or the smartest, but it is what works for me.

And for the first time in seven years, i typed all of this out,
instead of reaching for my knife.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

well-deserved holiday

I had an INSANE hair-ripping five hours today, no yesterday. It started in the late afternoon and ended up with Vic and I having dinner at half past ten.
Because yes, I only finished my work at that time.

I've never spent this much time on an essay, and it's only three, four pages long. eurgh. I don't feel like I've elaborated enough. I don't feel like it's good enough.
I don't feel like it's enough, period.
And it frustrates me. It's my final assignment for this module, the least I can do is freaking get it right, right?

But my brain, it was swimming with all the things I needed to say but it refused to construct decent sentences.

okay, forget it, it's over and I've sent it in.

Noooooow I am off to Batam with the bestest company in the world! (after my famahwee of course)
Hello Sun, sea, sand and awesome worship:D:D

It's very well deserved, I'd say. I finished my last English assignment for the entire module, I finished five shows and a month long of intensive rehearsals, I lost about half a handful of blubber, I did my first write-up for an InwardBound program and I learnt A LOT of awesomely cool techniques during my last two Muay Thai Classes.
omg I love it sooo much.

So yay, happiness much!

Happy Batam! (as Shawn puts it. hahahaa)


ps: I<3 Vineyard Conferences SOOOOOOOOOO much! I can't wait for this one!

Friday, November 6, 2009


"Hi!" He says cheerily. He is beaming, an honest smile on his face. "What're you doing here?"
"Oh sir, hello. Working part-time only sir, only on weekends sir."
"You sure?" He asks, concerned, because he truly does want to help.
"Oh yes sir, it is okay sir. I only live there." He points straight ahead to government apartments, his mind turning over images of his family, his children.
His boss relaxes, pats him on the shoulder and goes off to pay the bill for filling his Lexus up with a full tank.
As he keys in the numbers and fills the tank up with gas, he strains to peer through the window of the passenger seat; perhaps he might steal just a glimpse of this fortunate man's life. An imagery he can use, when he's lying awake and dreaming of how much better off he could be.
She squirms a little bit, brushes fringe out of her eyes and runs her left hand briefly over face.
This life, it's not hers. It doesn't belong to her, this life. It doesn't.

She balances her 13-month-old on her hip, rummaging through her handbag for that piece of paper. Giving up, she smiles weakly at her friend, sipping her caramel frappe right across from her. She watches her friend light a menthol cigarette and turns away for a second, before turning around to smile. Eying the O level students at the next table, and the stack of manila folders her friend has shoved under an arm, she says,
"You're lucky," pauses to think, sifting through her words carefully. "You have a long time yet."
And her friend, she stares at her, at her little boy, at all that she cannot have. But this life, it's not hers. It doesn't belong to her, this life. She's stolen it and it not hers, not really.

"Hey doll, you gonna finish that?" His words are slurred and his breath reeks of vomit and alcohol. There are spaces in his clothes where pockets should have been, iron-on patches of teddy bears, where expensive brand names once were.
He grabs the bottle of half finished beer even before I've finished shaking my head, curls up on the corner of Smith street and pulls a trash bag tightly around him like a blanket.
But this life, it's not mine. The means to pay for this beer, the handful of chips I leave unfinished on the table. This life, it is not mine and it is not mine to take for granted.

"And I was just wondering if you've got a minute to spare," her voice is posh, crisp, light. "Oh I've got more than that really," comes the reply, "I just wouldn't like to waste your time, you know?"
"Oh no," she laughs, "it's my job, really."
"Well," the person on the other line says, shuffling papers on his desk, "I'd like to arrange for a meeting with your director anyway. Whether or not you give me the whole spiel. Because honestly, I've wanted to call you guys for ages."
After the phone call she stretches, wanders to the window of her office. She stares at the empty ashtray, and glances over at her duffel bag which she knows doesn't contain any smokes.
But oh this life, it's not hers.
It's stolen, taken by force. This life, it's not her at all.

She's lying in a bathtub filled with warm water that's gone cold. A huge vertical line across her left wrist, and her journal, open to the last entry, balanced precariously on the lip of the tub. The bathroom, oh it's such a mess and surely grandma will fret over how to clean it all up. But there's just a hint of a smile on her face, her clothes soaked to the skin and a flash of silver on the floor of the bathtub, quiet and used.
And all she has are scars. Horizontal lines that are proof of her failings.
And this life, oh this life, this life, it's not hers.
It's not hers to have.

Monday, November 2, 2009

they ask why we've got it made?

we don't.

Wait, like, seriously?

Don't know the full story, or the entire drama or whatever,
but I get this thing that you blow stuff way out of proportion.
It's a tad silly, I find.

All your weird analogies and explanations and excuses and melodrama.
I think it's whatever you want to make of it, really.

I think there's an insanely simple explanation to the bullshit.
But why write about that when you can dramatize everything and make it into a long and lovely blog post instead right?


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Hello World

So right now I am ripping open my last packet of Salon Pas to slap it on my stiff shoulders and neck.

wait ah, wave of nostalgia coming.

okay, fine now.

See, I bought a stack of three packets of SalonPas (each with ten pieces inside) when we were in the middle of rehearsals.
Yes, our crazy intensive lovely utterly absorbing insane addictive rehearsals. And well, all that build up and intensity was for this. All of this.
Bump in on Monday, shows on Tuesday and Wednesday.
It is Wednesday today.
Our last show at Singapore Repertory Theatre.

We do have one more show at Dunman High next week, but then, that's just one show.

This, what we've just finished, was the big thing we were leading up to. And now it's kind of more or less over.
So I slap these medicated plasters on with a tinge of sadness. My hands got all cut up from crawling around and grabbing splintered poles, my legs are the canvas of an over-enthusiastic, random, unplanned (and possibly quite mad) painter; With splotches of green and blue and purple and red.
And I think, God, I am going to miss this so so much.

But that's the thing about theatre isn't it? It takes days and months to build something up, if I may quite Rachel, and then in moments it's kind of, all over the place.
The stage is empty, a staff actually tells you that you're not allowed on the stage (WTF?!) because you're in sandals, you watch your set get undrilled and packed off into the open mouth of an old lorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go all sad and watery-eyed on you.

We had an awesome show today. We really did.
Trial of Bella T was the best we'd ever done and Lord of the Flies, well, I personally found it scarier.

That's not all that happened today though.

I also gave myself a cheat-day, which was right after the last show and which made me a very happy bunny. I've been off alcohol for ohh, a while (like two weeks). So we hit the bottle at five ish. Not bad I say.

And then, two weeks early, while I was in theatre running, screaming, jumping, chanting, killing, breathing, living, being,
I became an older sister for the third time.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

I never kid when I talk about how much I love work

...despite the fact that I was throwing together my stuff for an invoice that I need to get sent out, and that I was doing this on an hour-long bus ride on what happened to be a non-air-conditioned bus during peak hours.

I did get off feel like I was very very pregnant and like I would freaking collapse on the road and vomit in my mouth. I felt clammy and uncomfortable but I marched myself to the juice stall where I picked up dinner, met Becs, said "Hello" and sounded like a guy, and then went up for rehearsals.

So I'm like, munching on an orange and my boss comes up to me with a huge brown paper bag from Body Shop.

Nora: Take.
C: omgomg! my hands are dirty, wait ah! Tissue please!
Jo: Where's the tissue?
C: I don't know, forget it.
(I go back to her and stare at the bag)
C: My hands are still dirty but nehhmind la.
Jo: oh here! found the tissue!
C: ohoh thanks!
Nora: aiyoh I'm getting irritated already lah, here you go!

and she pulls out a bottle of really nice soap and gives it to me:D


It's smells super duper uber nice!
And right after this post, I'm going to lather up and smell of tangerines!(:

We're getting closer to performance date. I'm a bit jittery. I feel like there's so much more for me to do. I don't feel like I'm giving enough and I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I feel like I'm trying to give my all but I'm not, not really. And I can't stand it.
Because when it comes to theatre, I always give more than everything I've got. And I don't understand why it doesn't feel like I'm giving enough.

But then, perhaps we've grown a bit old from the day-to-day of it all.
So we've been given the day off (although it's not really a day off for me because I've got to go for rehearsals for another show) and we'll meet again the following day.
There aren't any reasons, I feel.

I mean, as dry as the jokes get, as unfresh as the scenes are to us, it is solely our responsibility to keep it fresh and crisp like we've just heard/seen it for the first time.
With that knowledge, and also with the break that comes with tomorrow,
I hope Friday will turn out to be insanely high-energy. I hope we'll pick it all up instead of being all jello-ed.

I hope I put in more than I've ever put in before.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Lord of the Silent Blogger!

Why hello hello!

Feels like forever since I've bothered with the daily updates and tweets.
Yes, it's been busy and tiring but it's been insanely fulfilling at the same time.
God, I was born to do this and oh, the rush!

Lord Of The Flies, being incredibly movement-intensive, I figured I ought to do more rather than just moving about when I'm on set.
SO, I've finally gotten off my ass and signed up for Muay Thai. Private classes, most are. Okay not really, I just pick time slots with no one around so that I get private classes(:
Bird joined me yesterday, in fact. Was quite quite fun:D:D
Yesterday was very nice because my instructor said I was especially good. TEEHEE:D

So I've completely gone off smokes, I do Muay Thai three times a week and swim twice week.
Aren't I just a healthy bunny! I like I like!

Rehearsals have been very fruitful. We've gotten a lot of stuff sorted out and costumes are more or less done. I'm insanely happy now and getting quite excited!

The show's in exactly six days and secretly, even though we've been talking about taking out one rehearsal, I don't think we need to. Kind of because I really enjoy rehearsals and also, because it's one of the things I'm going to miss when everything's over.

The thing about theatre that I love and hate at the same time, is the intensity of it all. For the weeks or months that rehearsals are on-going, you get drawn into this alternate reality.
A world where, like in my case, council girls turn on each other, animalistic behaviour or plain insane savagery becomes something one actively chooses.
It's so crazy, but it comes with this lovely rush.
But then, when it's all over, you wake up half wondering what to do with yourself.
You pick up the bamboo poles to do the laundry and think about how it could be used to kill someone. You fidget with the clean wash and wonder why it's not bloodied and ripped.
You feel sand beneath your feet, even though you're stepping on parquet floors.

The euphoria is addictive, but the post-performance blues hit you hard.
Thinking about it now almost makes me wish we were back to the very beginning of rehearsals.

Okay. No sad thoughts until it's all over!
and ooooh, the excitement pulsing through my veins!

Can't wait for you guys to see it! I know I haven't told a loooot of people about it. It's quite tough, with the limitations of seats.
Okay so, it's on the
27th and 28th of October. Next Tuesday and Wednesday.
Two time slots a day: 10am-12noon/ 3pm-5pm
Singapore Repertory Theatre
Tickets are $35.
The only available seats left right now are on Tuesday afternoon/morning (i think).
The 28th is completely sold out):

Let me know asap if you'd like to come!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

"Maybe you could learn to like me too! Hang me in the bathroom?"


Something hurts when I swallow. It's in the right side of my throat.
I fell on my left ankle yesterday, during a performance, and sprained it.

teehee, sorry. Just counting my hurts (like I do with my bruises). It's a good thing, really.

And oh, she drove me quite mad today, and for the first time. It irritated me so and sapped the energy from everything else we had to do afterwards. I think you ought to be more considerate, more professional, less like a fourteen year old brat who can't take getting your cues wrong.
But you know, maybe you wouldn't be getting your bloody cues wrong if you put in more effort love.

okay! rant over!

The day's been alright.
I went back for Founder's Day and loved it. The singing, the vibe, the saying hello to teachers who, my word, still remembered my name! Talked to Mrs Lee and Ms Yoong, and had a bit of a laugh, thinking about the terror that was me.

I love PL, truly I do.
Because it shaped me in more ways than I could've ever imagined. It's just a shame that I didn't appreciate what I had. I mean, I know I had to leave when I did. But if I'd been less distracted, I'd have graduated side by side with my best friends in the entire world.
It's the only thing I've hated myself for missing out on.

Nonetheless, the way my life's turned out isn't half bad. And I like it, no wait, love it just the way it is.

I finished Jodi Picoult's Vanishing Acts today. It's one of the really good ones, save for the personal life of the protagonist. Bit fucked, I think. But I might just understand when I read it the second time round.

Ought to get off my ass and sign up for driving. Since I've already gotten off my ass to get it whooped over the next couple of weeks.
I'm happy and excited because of this thing that I feel committed enough to put myself through. I hope it works out, I hope I can cope. teehee!

Then, my schoolwork, my grades.
An 82 isn't even remotely as high as it sounds and Lord, am I frustrated. Ever so frustrated.
Oh, so much to do.
I wish I could disappear into all the rehearsals and lines and sets without having the baggage of school weighing me down like bricks.

But then, I need to get somewhere with all of this, don't I?

I'm going away for a while.
Horse-riding, shopping, possibly lying around on a beach.
My word, don't I love getting out of the country.

These last three months of the year are like, the favouritest but also, quite nightmarish at the same time.
blah, freaking blah. Starting to rant.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

"How do you plead then?"
"Plead to what?"

--Bella T, an excerpt.

The only problem, I suppose,
is that knives don't talk.

"No, no they don't."
"Alright then!"

and an entire life before that.

It was in Bugis, it's World Mental Health Day.
We had our very first show.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Pull me in, pull me in.
Suffocate me with everything you have because this is the only time I can breathe.
Don't you see?
Don't you see?

I can't go back there, I can't.
It's too painful, I can't.
I just can't.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

"You musn't be afraid. Look, we've got fire." "Just fire won't do it." And oh Rachel, she's right.

"It was just a game, wasn't it? A game?"

--Lord of The Flies, Act two. An excerpt.

For the hours and hours and oh Lord, hours, that I am occupied; Jumping off planks, running up ramps, crawling on carpeted floors. I am desperately trying to find safety, to do what I think is right, to make sense of a world that has become chaos since the airplane I was on crashed.
I don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I need to be kept safe from.

And then she claps. It is over and I reach for the pack of smokes.
I am here. I am back in your world. No, the world you live in but not your world.

And inside, I'm doing the same thing; Screaming, crying, joining in, pulling out. I know what I'm doing but then,
I don't know what I need to be kept safe from.

Oh, oh.
I don't mean very much there, I don't. I'm small, I'm the youngest. I join in because Rachel does and I'm not entirely sure if what I'm doing is right.
I'm insignificant. Trying, desperately to be bigger than I really am and...
Oh, oh.
I wish I meant just a bit of something to you.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

"maybe," she says, walking downstage, "maybe it's because I'm human."

Every inch of me aches right now.

But some parts of it just don't feel better with medicated shoulder-rubs.
the beast,
it's coming
To your face

not for long

Lord Of The Flies, prologue. An excerpt.

and what if, what if I don't have anything left of myself to give you?

Monday, October 5, 2009

surprises, they come in the loveliest packages

To be honest, I never thought we'd pick up that idea again.

We didn't just toy with it.
Back then, we had everything planned to the T. It's just that somewhere along the way, other things needed more immediate attention. And frankly speaking, that isn't wrong in the least.

It isn't, wasn't the packing up of the project that had me over-writing in my pink journal.
It was more the idea, the realization that I'd never pick up any part of that dream again. I don't know really.
Maybe I'm stubborn or picky or just plain bratty. Whatever the case, it was something I'd dreamt up with you and "realizing" it with anyone else wouldn't have, in fact, been realizing it at all.

It truly is something to smile at now, when I think about it.
Not just because we're returning to that folded page, but because it feels like that brick wall of things I could never bring up is finally gone. I'd hate to bug you, and I hope I'm not doing that now. And maybe because of that, there was, or at least I felt, some sort of a chasm that seemed half impossible to look past. Not in a weird, uncomfortable or horrible way. But in a very quiet, under the surface kind of thing.

I'm glad I can talk to you again. And not feel like we're both just on the outside of each other's life, coming in for the occasional drink and leaving for another month or so.

I think, more than anything else in the world,
more than our unfinished project, more than knitting, more than bouncing ideas off each other and singing for all we're worth,
more than all of that,
I just really missed you.
I really did.

Things I love in life:

Oh Lord, so many!

Online shopping, for one.
I think it's the best thing since sliced bread!
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love shopping. I love wandering around malls, with a friend or two, mommy or just by myself (there are particular people who are brilliant to shop with). I love the thrill of buying things.
But online shopping is a different kind of thrill.
For starters, it comes in the mail! And my word, I LOVE mail. you wouldn't believe just how much i loooove mail! I really really do! I looove seeing my name on an envelope. It just makes my week!
Bird and I used to snail-mail each other (on top of emails and being on the phone). Quite funny lah, her letter would contain references to the phone conversation we had right before she wrote me the letter. And they weren't always lengthy letters. Sometime they contained like, all of four sentences. But it was nice! Like wee surprises! teehee

I digress!
I ABSOLUTELY LOOOOVE MAIL. So what more if your mail contains new clothes, or books!
This is quite lame actually, all that's on it's way to me right now are school textbooks. Okay, and a book that I've been just DYING to read. But well, see what gets me excited these days? sheesh.

I also really love intensive rehearsals.
Kind of like what I'm doing now except I could do with focusing on different productions at different times. The one that's showing at SRT on October 27th and 28th, that's intensive.
We've got weeks of six day weeks that stretch from five to ten (and even twelve) hours at a time! But you come away with such a sense of achievement and satisfaction and an entire world of progress.

I loooove oreo milkshakes on a sunny, skinny day.
When you're in jeans and a tank top and it's warm but not scorching. Oh, those are the best.

Milk and Oreos!
Oh my! I feel like having some now!

Most of all, a combination of a few of my top favourite things.
Snuggling under the duvet on a rainy afternoon with a fantastic book and someone warm and clean and cuddly. A ball of fur at the foot of the bed, a cup of chamomile tea with a few drops of honey. A classical CD left on repeat, and an oil burner with a mixture of Eucalyptus and Tea-Tree. Warm fluffy slippers waiting on the carpeted floor for me to stick my popsicle-feeties in and my cell-phone; silent, charging and undisturbing.


Sunday, October 4, 2009

shackled to the lies we're running away from

Quiet, empty mess
An unsaid hello to a stranger, unstrange
wordless conversations, eyes meeting eyes
And a world of history I'd like to get to know

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I got married today

to a lovely man named Frank.
It was quite a whirlwind thing, I did only meet him today.
But then I realized how perfect he was for me.

He's round, just like me. He's trying to quit smoking.
He's quiet, and he listens to me all the time. He doesn't go on about how fat/slutty/hippo-like i look.
He's beautiful. He's got the loveliest eyes, the softest hands, the most adorable feet.

Frank, he just shines/sparkles with this kind of, bubbly glow all the time.
He makes me so incredibly happy.
Just so, so happy.

He makes me laugh, he poses for all of TLC's pictures. He kisses baby fishbone.
He acknowledges my presence and I feel like he needs me.

But what I find most special about him,
is that he doesn't really exist.

Meet Frank.

Our first kiss! awwwww


I love you Frank. I'm sorry I got tired of you being so ballsy and smooshed you and chucked you into the bin.
I love you, I do.


It's funny and strange, and sometimes I think I'm looking into things too much.
You are so incredibly dear to me, but I am getting such weird vibes from you right now. And jeez, everytime I think about this, I feel like I really really need a smoke.

You only became like this since Mr Smith went to Washington, and sweet lord if it hasn't changed you! It's everything, you know, from the eyes, the guardedness you seem to have. I don't know man, I don't know.

Clearly it's an issue because otherwise I'd keep this to the hour that I spend trying to fall asleep. And I've talked about it a little bit here and there, but not without stopping myself and thinking, fuck, I am just over-thinking this.

I don't think it's a good idea, personally.
Because I feel you become an entirely different person with different habits and just, doing stuff you wouldn't normally do.
But my opinions are my opinions and I don't expect anyone to give a flying fuck. So that's fine.

What is a tad unsettling are the strange vibes, the difference in body language.
The danger-eyes being shot at me left, right and square in my imaginary balls. Plus, it's the first time you're behaving like this.
i'm pretty sure you have no idea. I'm pretty sure it's this subconscious thing.
and I'm pretty sure that in a month or so, this will stop happening.

But it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. And it's just getting so awkward and I hate that it is. Because things never get awkward around you. Hell, we make situations awkward and then laugh at people when they feel awkward!

So I just, I don't know.

Hopefully you'll notice what you're doing.
Or I seriously need to sort out my issues.


On a more relaxingly stressful note,

So this is how it works okay, for three and a half weeks straight, six days a week, I'll have rehearsals.
During about half of the time, half the day is spent on one production with HCC and the other for Youth Matters.
I like. I'm quite looking forward to the intensity and the stress of it all. On the other hand, it is rather scaaaaary.

Block out October 27th and 28th sweethearts! Well, one of them and tell me when you'd like to come see the show.


I'd like to end of with something that sounds nice and cosy.
Something like,
"I'm sorry guys I have to go now because Frank's tucked into bed waiting for me".
But i sort of smooshed him and chucked him in the bin already so I'll save the nice pictures of dim lights and cuddle-ups before bed for another time.


Friday, October 2, 2009

On the day of grandma's birthday

while mommy rushes around tidying up and doing last minute work...

The children nap!
Jiejie Buttons on a bag that is way too small for her and baby Fishbone, on a bag that has enough room for Buttons!

But napping is good. After all, your brain needs all the rest it can get in order to do work!

Like this! My little darling with his feeties up! Too cute! Now all he needs is the cigarette dangling out of his mouth. hmmmm

Fishbone: Stupid mousepad! It doesn't work for nuts! How am i suppose to tag people in my pictures with a spazzy mouse pad!


Fishbone: MOMMY I GIVE UP! I'm going to nap, you can do it instead!

aww, look at him, all passed out! teehee

Okay, lots more stuff to do so have fun drooling over my adorable furry children!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

three, two and rolling.

Chinatown, Singapore. August 2009

So I've gotten five and a half out of six of the things on my To Do list done.
I stuck the last load of laundry out for just a wee bit more sun (they were already dry but more sun is good) and then, it rained and drenched my clothes.

So I've to re do that, tidy up my room and do my nails before rehearsals.

To do tomorrow morning:
1) Vacuum and mop the ENTIRE house all over again
2) Set up table and shizz at exactly half past two
3) Bathe the fluffy children so that they're all nice and clean for our guests.
4) Make sure TLC's study table is clean
5) walk dog.
6) start washing machine with children's towels.


rahhh, I feel like I've been racing around and I just feel kind of lazy now.

Everything's all set for tonight, I'm very very happy and superbly excited:D
I hope mommy likes!

Okie doke, I've an hour to bathe, clean up my room, do my nails and then go for rehearsals.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

gonna make some noise!

Being the very lazy sort, I don't upload pictures much. But here you go!
They're quite outdated. Well, not the kitties!

Fishbone looks bigger than Buttons here!

I think this is one of my favourite pictures of Victor.
His eyes look super peeeerdy(:


Mr Chee, The Pharmacist who disappears from earth for months at a time!

My plans this week, my detailed scheduling, got fucked over.
But well, I'm skipping around it and hanging out.
It's not half bad.

Okay that was a lie. It is really bad but when shit hits the fan you just have to freaking deal with it.
SOOOOO rehearsals like, four times this week. On top of the hundred million things that I had to do in preparation of mommy's birthday.
I'm super duper UBER excited though!

Can't waaaaaait.

So I'm listening to this freaking old mixed cd that Bird gave me back when we were eleven. It brings back nice memories. I took it with me when I went to LA for the first time and I had it on replay the ENTIRE trip.
I actually missed Singapore and missed being on the phone with bird and talking about rubbish. And the cd was like, my link to Singapore.

Funniest thing was, when I got back, the cd reminded me most of LA because I kept playing it.
So then I kept playing it to relive my memories.

I spent today, my only completely free day this ENTIRE week tidying up the living room.
So I did major major clean up, vacuumed and even took the sofa skin off to wash it!
So if you've seen my dinky place before (complete with clutter and dustbunnies attacking each other), you're in for a surprise. On the other hand, do bear in mind that the place is small and there's only a finite number of places to cram stuff into. So clean and tidy might not necessarily be the same as your idea of spotless and perfect.
OCD kicked in (again) and well, I'm not that satisfied with today's work but mommy says it's just fine and looks tonnes neater. Well lets hope that's true.

At the same time, with the amount of alcohol I'm laying out for you people on Friday,
trust me, you're gonna think my place is brilliant and cool because the floor spins when you stand up.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

I fear this anger will eat me alive

There are things we all feel strongly about.

for me, it's animal abuse.
I'm so shaken, so upset, so incredibly, disturbingly, overwhelmingly angry at this person for doing such a thing that if given have a chance, I wouldn't murder him, no.
I would spend days in immense happiness as I put him through slow and unbearable torture.

Do not tell me that I only equate myself with him. I don't need to hear that.
For someone to treat an animal like that, they do not deserve pity or second chances. They deserve to be skinned alive, their fingernails yanked out with a plier, one by one. Salt poured on their skinless body, boiling water poured over them (long after the salt of course) and then thrown into a bucket of red ants.

That animal did not bother you. It did not seek you out to beg kindness of you. You went out of your way to hurt it. And for that, you deserve the most unimaginable kind of torture anyone is capable of putting you through.
I hate you.
I know it doesn't mean a sodding thing to you, and you don't know me from a hole in the wall.
But I hate you.
And I have such an intense loathing for you and your despicable actions that i will need the number of a fucking good lawyer if I am ever to meet you face to face.

You are disgusting.
You are pond scum. No, lower.
You are the pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum.
How can anyone like you ever deserve to live?

If it were up to me, i'd do the exact same thing to you

Ner just sent me the most shocking video, ever!
It involves these boys coaxing a tiny, frightened kitten out from a car and stroking it. Now I thought they were being nice. I get so sad when strays run away from me because they're scared I'll hurt them.
So this kitten got coaxed out, got stroked and petted, and then one of the guys kicks it with such full force (plus he was wearing basketball shoes) that the kitten flies a couple of meters and slams right into a CONCRETE wall, afterwhich it scampers off.

I do not understand this.
It's not just simply a case of being unkind or mean because it's there. They deliberately and purposefully went out of their way to coax the tiny kitten out from under the car, video the entire thing and then send it flying a few metres at full force.
How? How do people go out of their way to be so cruel? So incredibly fucking cruel!?

I'm not internet whiz, but if someone, anybody out there reading this knows how, could you please somehow save the video? I don't know, download it or something.
I've reported it to IC3, which forwards the reports to whichever jurisdiction it falls under. At the same time, I want to report abuse to facebook. However, once I do that, the content will be flagged, the video removed and the evidence gone.

I'm not being a drama queen here, and this may all seem over the top. But please, if you know of any way to save the video and get a copy for yourself, please do it and send it to me.

It seems so incredibly impossible for such assholes to exist. And I hope he gets fined and his bastardy anus thrown in jail for doing such a thing.
Go get someone to send you flying against the wall if it gives you such a fucking thrill. You go ahead and have that done to you.
Why do it to such an innocent, helpless little thing?

You disgust me, Marvin Morvan.

btw, you can find him on facebook and youtube.
I'm not like, saying you should bombard him with insults and curses and death threats, but you know, what you do in your free time ain't none of my business.

and please God, won't those happy places find me again?

The smell of coffee, the beeping of cars. School bells going off and the sound of metal shutters as they roll up and slam against the top of the frame.

One morning, I will forget to wake up.
My cat will need to be fed, my dustbin will need to be emptied out.

But there will still be the smell of coffee, the beeping of cars. School bells going off and the sound of school shoes slapping against concrete pavement as they run to the gate. Shops will open, my cat will call and morning cigarettes will be lit. Briefcases will snap shut, and makeup bags zipped close. Folders will fall, scattering its contents while high heels and shiny black shoes walk briskly past.

One morning,
I will forget to wake up.

Friday, September 25, 2009


I am a happy happy kitty today!
And happy kitties feel happier because they get cat-naps! So I'm going off for my cat nap before I tell you aaaaall about my lovely, very fruitful day at home.

ooooh meeeeow!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I have you in my life,

and that's more than enough for me.

I don't think anyone ever makes promises with the intent to break them.
And I wish knowing that made it all hurt less.
I think for the moment you two were, you were truly in love with her.
I don't know what made you stop, or when you decided that she wasn't enough for you.
but maybe it's nicer to remember when you really did feel that she was more than enough for you.
a time when you'd tell her Love always, and that you were truly hers.

Even though now, it's just another broken promise.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Falling asleep to Gary Schnitzer

So today wasn't too bad. I got to see my youngest sister again after a couple of months.

Fishbone ripped into me a couple of times so now my thumb hurts like a bitch.
At one point today, while daddy was strapping Abigayle into her carseat, he saw a pinkish scratch on her tiny leg.
"Aiyoh!" He went, "How'd she get this! It's quite bad! did you put cream on it?" This directed towards my stepmom of course.
I looked at my thumb, with it's dry-bloodied scratch and felt a weird sort of pain that I can't name. It's not that I don't think my daddy loves me, and of course, I'm much too old to expect kisses on my booboos. I guess it's just that I haven't had my daddy do that to me for too long a while.

Came home to dinner and misunderstandings. Played DOA with The Little Creature. Laughed, argued, made up.

In a year from now, I won't be here anymore.
But then, when I think about all that I'm trying to get sorted out en route, it's tiring.
It's tiring because I'm aware of how maybe, I can't expect my parents or at least my daddy, to help me out with University fees. He's got children of his own now.

It's tiring, because I wonder what will become of my life, my dreams and the plans that I've sketched out in my journal.
I sat in my daddy's Lexus, big but not big to fit a big family. There's another on the way, and it was a car perfect for a perfect little family.
Both parents and two children, maybe even the domestic help.
I realized that, I didn't fit into it. Not even if I tried really really hard.

For a while now I've wondered if I'll ever get to build a life that I will actually fit into. It's not that I'm not happy with my own. But it gets tiring looking at something that's supposed to be yours and knowing it isn't.

I'm not gunning for perfection, or the all-american family with the perfectly mowed lawn. I'm already happy. But I think, even if I don't get to ever have it, I want my children to feel like their life was built for just for them. The worn couch, the telly with the chip where they tipped it over when they were five. I don't want them to feel like the life that was supposed to be theirs got taken away, and have them watch half siblings live in a life that could've, would've been theirs.

Anyway, I honestly didn't mean to start on this rant. Apologies.
It's eleven, and I've to be up for work.
Gary Schnitzer's Rhapsody is playing on repeat and I'm going to go snuggle into my freshly changed sheets now.

Goodnight, all you happy people.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

unhelpful assholes need to SHOVE IT.

seriously? Like, oh my word, seriously?

Clearly this girl needed help. She even said she couldn't seem to find anything online. If you do not have any help to offer, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It's not like she was asking something stupid either!

I don't understand. Clearly you don't have the answers. So if you don't, then just DON'T FUCKING REPLY. Why you gotta be so mean for?
Fucking twit. Ought to go die.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

when the second hand smoke clears up...

I think sometimes we get so caught up with all that we don't have, with all that is just out of our reach, with all our limitations, that it becomes so incredibly difficult to see what we do have.

It's not that we're ungrateful, or that we don't know how to appreciate what we have. It's just that it gets difficult when you've set your sights on something and it keeps getting further and further away just as you swim close enough to touch it.
I'll admit, it's so much easier to let this frustration eat you up from the inside out.
But when you just force yourself to freeze, and think about what you already have and what you already have achieved, it becomes easier to breathe again. It becomes easier to continue trying to move towards whatever it is that keeps slipping away from the tips of your fingers.
It becomes easier to believe.

But then, I do wonder, how long before you give up entirely? How long before you think that, maybe you're never meant to reach that goal?
It's a painful thought. And sometimes I think, maybe it'll save me so much more heartache if I just, backtrack a little bit and focus on something that I already have.

They always say, never take your eyes off the goal.
They always say, that it doesn't matter how long it takes you, as long as you never stop.
But they also say, that if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be.

So then, what you're left with, is pretty much nothing. Just crappy advice that "they" pass off as inspirational messages.

I'm a strong believer in getting what you want. In making it work out, because if you're doing something you love, it is going to be so, so worth it.
Yet it's hard to sing that same tune when you find yourself in the middle of it all and unable to get from point A to point B.

So I think for right now, it's okay to stop, sip my Choya and look around at what I already have. Rather than thrash towards the "YOU HAVE MADE IT" sign that keeps moving away.
I think for right now, it's going to be okay.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Study In Singapore Today!

that's what the ad says.

"We help you choose the right path in your education pursuit. Free itouch."

clearly most people are more interested in the free bloody itouch. hahahah

You're my crack of sunlight

It's the moment of a sunset Friday
When our conversations twist
It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo
But the ice should be on our heads
We only spun the web to catch ourselves
So we weren't left for dead

I'm not dead, just floating.

A school wraps up this week, another next week and yet another, the week after.
I wonder if I'll have time for me. Not really me, because I get enough me-time. But more like, for my stuff. I can't seem to get anything done.

Lord, help me.

I keep talking about all that I'm looking forward to in the States. School, living with Buttons, studying full time again. And I have to remind myself time and time again that none of that's gonna happen if I keep on procrastinating and doing fuckshit about my Associate's Degree.
Then I scare myself shitless and I still don't do anything.

They say it doesn't matter how slow you move, as long as you never stop.
Well bugger all, I've stopped. And I've stopped for a fucking unbelievably long amount of time. But with all the schools, the wrapping up, the grading, I tell myself I need more time.
But do I really?
Or am I just making excuses for myself again?

Monday, September 14, 2009

it's a long long time til morning, so build your fires high

It was a lovely lovely weekend although it did start out with a tonne of running about like mad.
But it was relaxing because it was as far away from city life as you could possibly get.

The september holidays weren't much of a holiday, to be honest.
Especially so because the whole second half of last week was spent working and then we're back into work this week after the weekend. I'm not complaining, because it was like that for everyone else at work too, but you know, it wasn't a holiday-holiday.

We've begun on the beginning of the end which is the beginning of new beginnings and you must know that I am secretly trying incredibly hard to flummox you with beginning to begin on a large rant about beginning of endings and beginnings of beginnings.

What this means, in please-talk-to-me-like-a-human-bean-language is (side note: I think the phrase human bean *derived from Singaporeans funn pronunciation* is quite funny because you're either a human or a bean you can't possibly be both can you?) digression over! where was I?
Oh yes, in Human Bean Language, this means that we've started grading the kids and started buying foodies to give them when we say goodbye and promise to never see them again. Although that promise might be broken because we'll see them again when they're all grown up and we'll be like, "Lord boy! How's you get so darn tall?"

The beginning of beginnings is this:
I'm working on two new plays now! YAY ME!
As i've probably ranted about before, I've been missing acting like a whoooole lot. One of my major projects this year was Safeville and I absolutely loved it.
But I haven't done stage in a while and I'm just insanely in love with the stage and theatre productions and lights and sound and beginning a talking tree! So I've been getting awfully homesick): poor me!

But weeeeell, I've started working on one with Hougang care Centre. If you're wondering why that sounds familiar, it's because it's a rehab centre for clients fresh out of Institute of Mental Health and my mother works there.
In fact! She's in on this too! She's the protagonist and I am the anti-protagonist.
I am acting as her daughter! TAH DAH.

As all their scripts are, this is based loosely on a true story. This time however, it's a bit sadder than the others. Not because the patient (played by mommy) never gets well but because you see the strain on the family and how it really reaches into your gut and rips out all that you have inside you.
Playing the daughter is difficult with mommy acting as my mother. She plays the part so beautifully, heartwrenchingly that you just feel like such a wretch, yelling at her like that. It always comes with emotional drainage, I'll admit.
But I am always sure to hug her right afterwards and cuddle a bit(:

So we're getting along slowly, but surely. In fact, I've to go off for rehearsals later. Although I'm quite tired and I was running a temperature all through class this morning. (It was very bad actually)

I'd best be off now! Want to squeeze in a wink or two, a smoke or six and a couple of drinks. Or a couple dozen.
Plus, I am very full of shit! Like literally!
I need fibre.

cheerio darlings!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Goodnight, August

It's a day of sad songs on repeat, watery eyes and silence. Just cold, cold silence.
But I've indulged in far too much self-pity and self-loathing.

It's a day to remember and imagine, but importantly,
to take a deep breathe of fresh air.

Monday, September 7, 2009

building resentment


I hate it. With it's stupid rules and restrictions and "Of course you can do this! (only if it's vetted by half a million people with a pimple in their asshole)".
Fifteen years and I don't feel like I can or like I want to hold on very much longer.

Okay, well. It's just because today's one of those days where I'm really missing home and missing my family and missing everything that I do not have here. And to top it off, it doesn't help when you've never felt like you're welcome.
Not when I first arrived (and they claimed my accent was a barrier), not now when people tell me that I am just so pretty if only I weren't so darn fat.
I love my friends to bits, but this is not a nice place to live in. Not in the least.

If I had it my way, I'd whisk all my friends and their family (those random people on facebook who added me cos we're from the same school don't count) to a lovely mountainous area. And then promptly build walls around this island.
Doesn't make sense for bad blood to breed, after all.

Everytime I start on rants like these, it amazes me how unsingaporean my friends are. And how I absolutely love them for it.

I'm sad. I really miss LA. I really miss my family. And I really really miss feeling such pure joy and excitement at waking up every single day. To feel like my day's been made just because cars actually let you go first (even though it's quite the norm), to have sales assistants say "Honey, my name's Jane, just yell out if you need my help okay?"
To hear, "Sweetie, you're a bit small for this, I don't think you're going to fit into an M."

To walk around and not feel like you need to rush along because everyone's always rushing the fuck around (even on the escalators!). Sitting down in cafes and looking out at pigeons, as happy as clams. Walking around the houses and have neighbours call out and wave to you. To not have people tut and sigh and moan in your fucking ear just because you stalled at an entrance for 0.0000823 seconds.
To feel like you fit in.

I miss it so much. The coats, the weather, the cold noses and popsicle feeties. The yoghurts even though it's freezing out, the old man playing his harmonica on the corner of the street, the squirrels that dart across the yard and the huge roses in bloom that you find in the bushes right outside your door.

When I tell you I want to bring you there, bring you around to all these places, you have no idea how much I mean it. You have no idea all the mental pictures I've taken and cropped you into. It is so breathtakingly beautiful over there. Not because there aren't alot of cars and exhaust fumes flying about. Not because there aren't your fair share of rude people who haven't had sex in 93792408038 trillion years.
But because despite all that, people still smile. And there are still nice people around. And on top of that,
it's far far far away from a tiny island that thinks it's the world.