Saturday, February 28, 2009

i wub baby puddy tat!

So I've got a puddy tat, the most beautiful creature in the world.
Her name's Latte, because she's black (like black coffee) with swirls (yes i do mean swirls like someone painted her) of white (like cream).
She's about three and a half months old, at a guess, and she seems to have fallen in love with Justin, from what Vee's told me.

Yep, cos Vee's looking after my little girl this weekend.
I miss her already!):

Anyhoos, BKK in a couple of hours:D

PS: Thank you so so so SO SO much Vicky! I apologize in advance for the bending-over and possible poop-cleaning:/
I will bring you presents from my magical place, promise!
Love you to bits.

Four days three nights of shopping, eating and bumming around. What's not to love?((:

Monday, February 23, 2009

i fleety flit, I fly

I'm very floaty, very write-y.
I cannot put it all down into words that mean what I want it to mean.
Stories begin and then find themselves an end, and I stare at it, wondering how it got there.
I am very floaty, very write-y.
And this golden rose, it stares back quietly.
I do not even know how to begin.


It's funny, seeing all them different lives that you are no longer a part of anymore.
There is relief, that tinge of 'that-never-happened-to-me-ness', wonder, but relief, most of all.

We dig through our rubbish, once in a while. That ever-present pile that we never bloody seem to throw out. And they make for bloody good laughs, I'll tell you that.
You realize the utter stupidity, the games and the continuous mind-fucking that you called love.
We've come quite a bit of a way.


"Well I, for one, never cared for games anyway."
"And what if you did?"
"But I didn't."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The goldfish and all her world

"You're all the world to me," she whispers, pressed close to the glass that separates us. I reach up, pressing my index finger against where her nose rests. I cannot find the words to tell her that I won't be, in thirty seconds.
I cannot tell her.

"My, and that's a big, big world." I say, smiling at her. Hoping, that she would believe as much as I don't. She smiles back, and blows me a kiss.

And all but thirty seconds after she says those precious words, she darts away from the glass she was pressed against, and I become another vague shadow, standing over her world, crying.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

dial tones, they still make me sad.

deja vu

So the problem, i've found out, while writing heaps and bawling and being a frightful mess,
is that I still remember.
And the bits of right now, although not all that frequent, brings back this horrible memory that still has me clutching my people and squeezing my eyes shut.

But the thing is, it's not your fault.
It really isn't.
It's just familiar, that's all. And that's why it hurts.

Because sometimes (just a handful of times, times that you can count with your fingers),
it feels like I'm back where I didn't want to be.
And I won't ever be ready to go back there.

For Chrissakes, I cannot stand being put on hold for fifteen fucking minutes!
And all because I needed to speak to someone at the ICA building to save an entire fucking trip down.
It's fine if i know exactly what I'm doing, but I'm afraid I don't.

Anyways, I lodged a complaint.
Go on, have a read:

To start off with, the information I needed couldn't be found on the website, and so making a call was necessary in order to avoid a waste of a trip down to the ICA.

I rang up the "24 hour service hotline". I apologize if I sound irate but it seems impossible that a 24 hour service hotline can be engaged or completely unavailable for two hours straight. I called once every ten, fifteen minutes for an hour and a half before the phone actually rang. Thereafter I requested to speak to a customer service officer.
Believe it or not, I have been put on hold for a full twenty minutes, just waiting to speak with a human being. Of course, this twenty minutes has been punctuated with someone telling me to either keep holding on or call back later. However, considering how long it took before the phone was not engaged, and I was able to get through to something albeit a machine, I'm not keen on hanging up just yet.

I am desperate to speak with someone in person with regards to sorting out my passport since its renewal (I'm not a citizen, you see). I have no idea what steps to take and it would have been an otherwise easy task, as soon as I can speak to someone.

I'd understand fully if this was the lunch hour but I don't see how all your customer service officers can be busy from 1pm - 3pm, due to "high call volume". It seems quite unbelievable I must say.

Now, considering the time, and that the ICA building closes in two hours and I need to get my things sorted out by today, I will now have to make a trip down.

Please sort out some kind of system that allows us to speak to a real person in the case that we do need to. Robots, apparently, don't understand when we speak into the mouthpiece. I think it has something to do with the fact that they have no ears and therefore, cannot hear.

The rabbit did smell good though. at least there's that!

I swear, there are just so many things that I'm looking forward to right now.
And I don't just mean the trip to Bangkok (omgomg! like one weekend left!)

I mean like, for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I'm worried that I spend so much time dreaming that I'm not quite doing stuff. It's rather awful if you think about it.
Anyhow, have been looking through pictures.
Lots of people have changed so much.

You know how you can see people changing and you don't think it's happening to you, but it actually is. I find that rather funny.
Cos we do the whole, "oh my, you've changed so much."
and everyone could say the same thing about you.

I'm in a fantastically good mood right now, because I forced myself out of bed at my usual time, despite my morning grumps. I had my coffee and breakfast, morning news with some new girl on the primetime morning show. Think she's sitting in for the girl, and I got to see Donna on TV, talking about her art work.
Then I read the paper which I bought on Saturday, which I realized, doesn't do much good in keeping me updated. The stories are lovely though. Well, except for the guy who's waiting for his comatose wife to wake up. She got hit by a truck thirty minutes before her wedding.

I wonder if all my planning for the future will turn out to be absolute rubbish because I'll get run over by a truck and have people left with one worry. That worry being,
Gee, if she couldn't fit into that dress when she was alive, how do we fit her in now that she's flattened out and has her brains on the sidewalk?
How morbid for a lovely day. hehe.

There's a tonne to do.
For starters, I should bloody get started on clearing my room.
I hate coming home after holidays to a fright of a mess.
Clearly I don't notice that very much right now because work is never a holiday.

Victor and I bought TLC's sweet sixteen present yesterday! I was soooo terribly excited, and since she really didn't mind, I gave it to her (four days in advance, yes).
It's a prime lens and I'm not going to explain how it works because I've sounded like enough of a doofus the whole time I was trying to get it.
For example, while being smart and deciding to ask questions without Victor:
" 'Scuse me sir, I was wondering if you sold Prime Lenses here." clearly I think that's a huge key word.
"Sure, what kind are you looking for?"
"uhmmm, weeeeell, what kinds are there."
He stares at me like I'm a daft dinosaur with a rabbit in my nostril before saying,
"It depends on what you're looking for, there're different ones for different purposes."
"RIGHT!" Says I, trying to cover up my stupidity. "Well I was looking for the one which blurs the background!"
And again, I become that daft dinosaur except I'm sure this time the rabbit is doing some sort of weird dance while hanging out my nostril.

Well, at least we got it, and it was correct, and Victor's tall enough to hide me and pretend I'm his retarded friend.
That's only half of it though, can't wait for her birthday. Come to think of it, can't wait for mine!
yay(: That's going to be another tattoo!
Exciting much! Plus, I think I might get out of the country with TLC. Or we might just wait til June cos March hols are terribly short.

Gosh, so many many many things to do. It gets tiring thinking about it all sometimes, don't you think?
Well, I'm off to have a smoke and bore myself with thinking about what I have to do instead of actually doing it.


smelly works too

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Monday, February 16, 2009

Charis Vera --

Similar to butter in texture and appearance
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Last Kiss

I'm twenty minutes into that show, and really really really want to finish watching it.
Except the weirdest thing happened.
I just removed the five lines after that last sentence because my mom and I talked.
We're alright now, at least we were. But now she thinks I am still throwing a temper by sitting in my room and not continuing to watch.

I am not.

I'm not just saying it. I'm not throwing a temper. I just hate watching movies half way.
Especially if I want to watch it properly.
This is the first time I'm watching this movie and I really want to watch it proper.
I've missed twenty minutes and going out there to finish the movie will simply frustrate and annoy my eyeballs out of my head.

But that's okay. I'm going to drop it right now.
I'm not mad at my mom, she was just as caught up in the movie as I was. Nothing wrong with that.
And no, I'm not mad now.
I just think that sometimes you need to accept people's idiosyncrasy. I really do.
But I'm not mad, or annoyed. Just hurt. I feel like crying.
Cos this whole thing is seriously bloody stupid.
It's getting pissed off at a tv show lah, come on.

I'm not mad, I laughed at it, we understand, so let's let it drop- that's what I think.
So okay, dropping it now.

back to the show:
It's a nice take on the guys' perspective, which is why I really want to watch it.

Anyway, it got me thinking.

Dear Vicky Chen, (I picked her cos she's the only one who would slap me really hard)
Please swear to God that if I get irate, irrational and unreasonable when it comes to someone I'm in a relationship with, you will slap as hard as you possibly can and without thought for whether or not I will punch you.


Okay, mommy if you read this, it's not that I didn't understand the person in the movie.
I get the hormonal thing, and I think maybe because it was a movie, they had to get her angrier earlier.

Maybe it's because I've become someone who doesn't expect commitment and exclusivity. I can't say whether or not I'll say the same thing in a relationship. Maybe it's nice to not label your thing as a relationship. Then you're not expecting that commitment.
Maybe I'm just always expecting people to start rethinking, after a while- Just like I did.
Maybe that's why I don't want to tie people down and feel like I'm tying someone down.
I'll be damned if I do that.
And I suppose that's why I don't want to get married.

In that thirty year marriage, having been together since college, he didn't feel a thing for her.
What was that line he said?
"Of course I'd notice if you were gone. We're contractually bound."

Well leapin' lizards.
I do not want to feel like I've made you sign away your bloody life.
Of course as a girl, most of us have pretty would-bes that have us dressed up in white dresses and walking down the aisle (or having a horse do that for you).

I can't say I don't want that.
And sometimes I think.
Boy, i do really want that. I want to be able to do that when I'm young and not just when I'm fifty (like I planned).

But then immediately after, I also think,
One beautiful day, a tonne of money, a supposedly once-in-a-lifetime thing, it'll just last that one day. Then it'll be in pictures and memory.
And you won't be thinking about stuff like that when you're running after screaming toddlers with another one in your arms and they're both screaming blue bloody murder.
Maybe I will get married one day, but I find it less likely after I have the kids.

Plus, I think it's the most unfair thing you can do to a child.
Yeah well, you know how our parents protect us from stuff they went through and we in turn want to protect our kids from things we've gone through.
It's not the best of plans, and it's not fool-proof,
but I can't get over that bright neon sign that flashes saying that a marriage will break down.

I don't know how the others keep it together, I really don't.
And I just think, it is only a matter of time before one or the others gets up and leaves.
And when that time comes I want to be able to say,
It's alright, because you stayed heaps longer than I'd ever expect you to.

Which is true.
What you don't expect can never hurt you.
And if you go into it, expecting to do shit alone, then you won't get mad at someone for not helping you with the demon child in your arms. I mean, it's sort of like how you'd ask a friend for help rather than demanding.

After all that, I still can't say for certain.
I'm not married, haven't been and haven't been in a long enough relationship.
But the world, it's pretty damn scary, and I can't keep wishing for my kids to come out blind and deaf.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

my few random things

Dear, sweet God.
I'm still alive aren't I?

there are some things that i think about, without fail, every single day:
- today's schedule
- tomorrow's schedule
- whether or not my children will grow up like me

I wish some people wouldn't take things so personally. Just because you don't share some things with certain friends in your group doesn't make you any less close, just because I'm drawing a picture of pineapples doesn't mean I don't like you and I wish I were a pineapple.

Something that I'm still learning is that it's a bad bad idea to form plans with someone when you're all happy and non-argumentative.

I really like corners. Dark, small, quiet and clean corners. They make me feel safe. They make me feel like I can live there forever.

I am generally not a sad person. I might be rather emotional, and sometimes emotional means lots of tears, but I'm not sad.
I'm not sad now, I'm just rather numb.
I wonder if one day my eighteen year old will be sitting in front of her computer at 8:57 in the morning, feeling the things I'm feeling right now and hating me for giving birth to her.
Dear God, I hope not.
(no, I'm not hating my mother for giving birth to me)

I want to burn all that's left of breakfast and pretend I can physically fit a part of my body into that toaster too.

They all took a break on the 21st day.
Well actually they didn't, but I'm saying they did so I can convince you that you should rest on the 21st day too. Or 21st year. or 21st hour, what ever suits your fancy.

Writing often makes me feel better, so does running, cutting and singing.

There's a blue plastic cassette looking thing on my floor. You would probably pick it up and chide me for still keeping trash from when I was five. I hoard things because sometimes they're all I have to remember.
It's a toy cassette that fits into a toy video camera.
The toy video camera was yellow and I knew exactly what it would've done if it were real. So I used it to take videos of things happening around me, or silly things like the black bookshelf in my old room with all my fairytale books on it. That old room was the first that I could call my own. Before it was my own, i shared it with Janice. We had a bunk bed and I slept on top. I hid my books at the top of the shelf that was built into the wall, so that I could read it after mommy put us to bed. It was my first "grown up" book.
It was soft cover, and yellow, with red borders. Enid Blyton wrote it. It was Amelia Jane, the naughty doll. I've re-read it a million times. One of the pages i stopped at before going to sleep once, was page 9. It was the first time I remembered the number of the page rather than putting a bookmark in. Folding pages has never been a habit, although I've done it before.

I wish I could play that blue toy cassette for you.
I don't know where the big yellow video camera it came with has gone to, but I've got the tape. I want to play it for you so that you will see that it wasn't all supposed to turn out this way.
That somewhere along the way, when I was trudging to and from school, getting off school buses or having my domestic help look after me, something went wrong.
And actually it started even before they bought the flat together.

I want you to see them happy, sitting on a red brick wall, with their backs against each other and smiling at the camera. I want you to see me spinning penny around and around and around in front of my old fire place.
I want to hold your hand and take you through my old house back home. I want to show you where we put our shoes away, where you'll see my green boots that are lined with wool on the inside, the switch for the electrical fire place, the bath tub and the three yellow ducks, the staircase, the lovely little kitchen. I want to take you to the places I used to go to as a kid. Where I'd sit beside one of my mommy's friends and pick the smarties off the cake as she put it on.

I could show you that I was happy. And that I am supposed to be that happy kid that grows up into a happy teenager, and goes on to be a happy adult.
I can show you that I am still happy. Safely tucking away these memories and looking at them when I feel like I need a reason to smile.

I'm okay though, and I'm fine, fortunately or unfortunately I have yet to decide.
But I am also late, or going to be, for work.
We don't ever have the time to mope around like this, not right before work. Even on days you want to disappear.

I don't need space, I don't hate you or any of you.
Just sometimes, it's nice to be able to sit and cry and have the drilling from downstairs drown you out.
alive? really?
could've fooled myself.
doesn't feel like it in the least.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Even D' Odds

Four days out of five, I'm up at half past eight with a nice cup of coffee and watching Primetime morning and nodding at number that I only pretend to understand.
On the fifth day, I'm dancing around with tiny little macmuffins!

So we've hit mid-week! But it sure doesn't feel like it in the least.
Maybe also because it's half past nine and I feel like having another poop.
Not that you really needed to know that.

I think my schedule's pretty relaxed so I'm really grateful.
Except that I don't put it to full use, much.

I really really have to finish a couple of assignments this week.
I highly doubt I'll be finishing public speaking within this month. dammit.
On a lighter note, I've managed to maintain my B-average with my arts!
yay me!

this is what I've reduced to, using students' group names as titles.
But it makes a good title!

Monday, February 9, 2009


Charis, you are a big fat oafy sap and will shut up!
ah, the shmucks of the world.

i thought I was much much better today but I wasn't.
I was headachey and went for a nap in the afternoon, although I slept from 6.30pm yesterday all the way to 9am today.
Now I am terribly headachey and am wondering if I should go to bed.
At the same time I feel like gagging and throwing up.
At the same time, I'm rather preoccupied with my bloody weird dream about glow in the dark thunderbeads.
No prize for guessing which old movie I most recently watched.

can't wait to get away!
And Friday is beach-day:D
oh no, my week hasn't even started yet and I'm already feeling so tired.

why's that so!

Satisfy cravings for macmuffins: check!

So we've done a lot of talking and planning. Not down to the months and days and times, but guess-timations.

It's sort of weird, as I've always found it is, talking about the rest of your life in your dinky little kitchen which you haven't fully unpacked yet.

But it'll have to do, won't it?
Gosh, I cannot even imagine talking to my kids about the rest of their lives. Thank God that'll only come about like in a hundred years or so.

Anyhoos, it's the beginning of another week! The last one was extremely fun but very tiring and I found myself feeling very sorry for myself over the weekend, nursing headaches, nausea, fevers, and moodswings that had be crying on the sofa in my living room because TLC denied me spicy drumlets. (i know, right?)

So there is a whole bunch of stuff that I simply must get done today.
I've been talking about getting away, and this morning has been spent exclaiming and getting jittery at too-pricey and too-unbelievable prices with bird.

yay, away away!

Anyway, before I leave, I'll leave you with just a snippet of last week. Obviously, this was my favourite part of last week. We just got started on teaching CHIJ Kellock Primary one girls!

Me: Today, I am here to teach you girls drama!
(later on when my boss comes in...)
Girls: Miss C, who is that?
random girl 01: I think you're somebody's mother!
Nora: Really! Who's mother am I?
Random girl 02: I think you are Miss Clarice mother!
Nora: oh my gawd, nonononooo!


I'll be off!


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

i varted through this

It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag ten people.

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Charis

2. A four Letter Word : Cunt

3. A boy's Name : Christiano

4. A girl's Name : Cay

5. An occupation : Cardiologist (physician specializing in heart conditions)

6. A color : Carmine (it's a shade of red under the complete list of crayola colours. go wiki! HAH IN YOUR FACE!)

7. Something you'll wear : I want to say cunt, haha. uhmmm, a cardigan!

9. A food : Curry

10. Something found in the bathroom: Cunt-washer. HAHA. sorry. uhmm, cup (for rinsing your mouth)

11. A place : Cuba came to mind first but I'm gonna go for California. The former does sound rather exotic though.

12. A reason for being late : Cunt-washing. sorry, I have nooo idea what's wrong with me today.
uhhm, Car Accident

13. Something you'd shout : CUNTFACE! (I need to stop that, don't I?) I'd shout Christ, in fact, I do sometimes. Accept I know that's awful.

14. A movie title : CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON which, btw you HAVE TO WATCH.
WHICH, BTW, I've watched already! haha! Cuntface!

15. Something you drink : Coffee (because I actually don't really like carrot juice, although it came to mind first.)

16. A musical group : You know, if I had an all girlband, we'd be called cuntface. cos it's not so rude after a while, it's just really cute. I digress! CASTING CROWNS!

17. An animal : cat

18. A street name : Castro Street, in San Francisco

19. A type of car : Chrysler

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Enough of sappy movies for me!

But I must say, I do get quite a balance;
One day it's sappy movies and the next, I finish a book written by someone who was abused as a child and had a generally unhappy ending.

So I got my new year started with the beginning of this month(:
I had a lovely time to myself yesterday, which included me finishing an entire book within the day, as well as having a fantastically lovely swim.
Besides being just slightly freaked out that a client at my mom's work place was following me around, even though my mother was with me, I was in a lovely mood, and got much needed rest.
Aghast at my eyebags, I even slapped a couple of kiwi eye masks on.

It's another glorious day, with a terrible lot that I'm looking forward to, including my class this afternoon. (Though the hours seem to stretch one out successfully.)
I really ought to get my damned public speaking assignment over and done with though. HMM.

I also tidied up my knickers drawer!
They're arranged according to:
Tummy Tuckers, good-for-periods, boyshorts/girl-boxers, sleep-knickers (which are not as granny-panty-ish as you'd like to imagine), normal (which has two sub categories) and thongs (which has four sub categories)
Normal is split into lycra and pretty (which has like, a random I <3 ME pair of panties, among others) and thongs are split into
Not too comfy, Stringy, SUPER COMFY and thongs with that GORGEOUS lace band which mom just bought a couple more of for me yesterday :D The last category needs a couple more though!

Okay, that was a lovely, unneeded paragraph of information. But I'm rather pleased with myself.

Anyway, I'd best be off to Holland Village for more Me-time and errand-running.
Toodles oodles!

So close enchanted piano.mp3 - Enchanted

Sunday, February 1, 2009

in another's hands

"Promise me it won't hurt. Promise me when it all ends it won't hurt."

and you have so, got to get out of my head girl.

so that I can jot down happy times

Today I woke up and thought,
"Hey, I'm still alive." Then it became,
"Oh God, i'm still alive."

Okay, no it wasn't that bad.
I did a spot of tidying up, a small load of laundry, ate one proper meal but made up for that by going on a binge at Enqing's place.

Today was lovely.

So yes, I have noticed the drop in excited blogging. I've got heaps to say, and I think, "oh that is SO going on my blog" except it sort of never does.
Maybe because I really do believe that thinking it is all it takes for it to appear on my blog.
I thought we were synched, dammit!

So, eventful week it's been.
Next week's kicking in full force and I'll be lucky if I have time to breathe.
(okay I'll make sure I do. But I'll be dogwalking or swimming or generally avoiding secondary school children)

Here's joke of the week though:
Some of my students (from my favourite class) saw my scars.
"Miss C, what's that?"
"Oh, those are scars."
"Why do you have scars?"
"Because I used to be a cutter."
"What's a cutter? Cher, you emo ah?"
"No, of course not! Don't be silly, now if you'll just sit..."
"Cher, don't be emo okay?"

okayyyyy, awww.

you won't believe what I'm using as my daily planner this year! No, you really won't.

Here's a hint:
It looks like a school diary, and also looks a fuck load like PL's 2008 school diary.
No prize for winners.

nighty night