Monday, July 27, 2009

sex, drugs, rock and roll

Full moon party in Thailand, peeing in my pants waiting for it. Awesome fuck shit man.

Can't think of anything else right now.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

ketchup and catch-ups

So I had a daddy-daughter date last night.
Took him to Giraffe where Bec & Ross were singing (and will be for just one more week!)
Then he took me to a karoke bar.
I sang like, three songs, including my famooose aunty song! Shanghai Tan.
Even though i keep mixing up some of the words and pretty much sound like an ang moh trying to speak cantonese, daddy was impressed:D

I even translated some of the Chinky songs that other people were singing(:
He's very proud of his (wannabe) bilingual daughter!

Last night and today had me parading around in the two pairs of additions to my family(:
I'm eye-level with becs in my Aldo's! AWESOMENESS (she really is a lot taller than me)
Five inches taller, clearly.

My shoulders feel a wee bit burnt. hmm.

Today was supposed to be really lovely. I got all decked out, complete with new knickers (they've got little black cherries on them!) but then, thanks to my sleepless night, I ended up feeling grumpy as hell post-lunch.
Ethan made me smile tonnes though, he is SO SO SOOOO adorable! Spitting image of his daddy!
Anyhoos, post-lunch the heat was getting to me, and I felt kind of like, itchy in my own skin.
Was fine after a glass of port and a smoke though. Oh that two week break was so incredibly worth it.
Mommy was such a darling, and incredibly understanding. So I was left with a very nice and comfy nap time:D

Last night on the other hand, GOD SO HORRIBLE!
I went to bed at like half past one, and baby Buttons, with her little sunflower head, curled up with me. i was incredibly tired, so I'd doze off, except I'd jerk awake. And I kept feeling this odd urge to spaz, except I couldn't.
It's like, when you really need to burp except you can't.
This was a first. What the fuck right? I felt the urge to spaz. And obviously if you make yourself spaz, then it's not called spazzing. So i'd doze off (into quite a deep ten/fifteen minute sleep) and then wake up because I needed to spaz. My body was SO SO awake, swear to God.

I think it's because of the coffee.
You know how I am completely and utterly unaffected by coffee, right? Runs in the family.
Except I went off coffee for two weeks and then had coffee for dinner and shared a latte at like, half past ten. So I think my body decided to be a bitch and go spaz about without spazzing.
ugh. Worst experience in my life.
Plus, I had to keep moving about carefully so as to not wake baby.
And later on, at like half past four, she realized I'd moved away from her, so she padded across the grand total of like ten centimetres to curl up in the crook of my knee. Complete with her sunflower head.
Adorable to the max. ack.

I feel like getting a new tattoo. dumdumdummmm

Friday, July 24, 2009

Happy days in a fluffy place

Okay, no, Plaza wasn't really fluffy.
But I was/am/will continue to be terriblyyyyyyyy happy!
I went for some much needed, long overdue retail therapy. And I'm so so happy right now!
Even though mommy and I had to reschedule our strawberries and cream massage, we still got to hang out. Had lunch with baby vee who happened to be there getting her hair chopped off.
And I bought TWO pairs of shoes, couple of knickers (okay, it's on my twitter. shutting up)

I'm super duper uber happy!
Now my brand new dress has matching knickers AND shoes!

And I lost two and a half kg! So I'm off to reward myself with chocolate from SYNS.
Wonderfully synful they are:D

Okay, now for the work part. hmmm

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The work of the solar eclipse

Miss you guys terribly.
Need to find a time to get stoned out of our eyeballs.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

It was the work of the solar eclipse

It started off with a lovely morning.
A tall glass of orange juice and chicken sandwiches. Primetime morning and a walk in the lovely morning drizzle.
It started off with a lovely morning.

Teenagers will not always be teenagers. Boys will not always be boys.
Ill-mannered teens become ill-mannered adults and rude boys become assholes.
Notice, they are not in the same category as ill-mannered adults.

I started off my class with saying that I wanted very much to let them off early for recess, as an apology for inadvertently cutting into their recess time in the last two weeks.
A couple of boys shot eraser bits at me and then told me I was bad-tempered.
Mind you, I didn't yell at the them or tell them off for shooting stuff at me. I just got them to apologize.

How can i possibly be bad-tempered if I started off the class saying that I'd like to let them off early AND did not get pissed off when I had stuff shot at me?
It amazes me that they can shout to my face and tell me I am bad tempered, following the heels of "Hey guys, wanted to let you off early for recess today. How's that sound?"

Then another bloke. Always cracking jokes. Jokes that are not funny in the very least.
me: There's a random insignificant chicken throughout the Transformers movie. Would you put it into your frozen picture?
boy: yes. to give the transformer eat.
me: i'm sorry, i somehow fail to find that funny.
boy: to gib the transformer eat chicken rice.

once, twice, fuck, five times I can take.
Every single lesson? For every single question I ask?
There's a limit to how many times you can milk a joke.
A joke that was a complete and utter fail to begin with!

Now, I know more than anything, what it's like to have teachers who are mean to you.
Who bully you and who treat you like dirt.
But if I've only been nice and tried to be nice from Day 1, then I will not stand to be walked all over by children who have neither a sense of respect or courtesy.

I love my job. I love teaching drama and public speaking and debate.
But I am not a good teacher. I am not like that fantastic math teacher that inspires us to become a teacher when we grow up.

I am passionate about drama and all the rest of it, and I want to teach you and be nice to you and be a part of a happy memory you will keep of your secondary school days.
But so help me God, I will not grill you and force it down your throat. I will go the extra mile to work with you on your project or your script.
But I will not inspire you.
I am not meant to inspire.

In other words, my friend, with exceptions to all drama students, public speaking students as well as debate students, in particular reference to those couple of students in a particular class,
I do not, repeat, do not, give two hoots if you fail.
Whether you pass or fail, it does not affect me. Especially if you're the only ones who fail and the rest of your class passes.
It does not affect me if you hate me (today was the first and last time I will let it affect me) and if you want to be difficult. Because at the end of the day, I'm the one with a life. I'm the one who walks into your school later than you and leaves earlier. I'm the one who gets to step out and have a smoke and a glass of port.
Nothing changes that.
I pop into your school, get pissed off, go to another school where students OF THE EXACT SAME AGE are more willing to learn and I teach them. I pass on knowledge that helps them score during the assessment.

Good teachers inspire. Yeah, I know. But I am not a good teacher.
I have a hoard of information, and if you want to tap into that, I'd love to share it with you.
In fact, I want to share so much with you.
But you know what?
I am thoroughly sick and tired of little brats who think they know best. Who crack stupid jokes continuously, over and over and over again. Who underappreciate and run off without a Thank You.

For the sake of the handful that listen, I'm going to keep trying to make my lessons interesting. But you know, if you don't want to get anything out of it, I'm going to be completely fine.
In the last ten or so minutes of our lesson, you were kind of nice and attentive. But clearly, it can't affect me if you're not like that every single time.

Yes, we all wish that we had eager and passionate students.
But more often than not, we don't.
We still need to deal with it. I still need to deal with it.
I'm just amazed at how it can affect me.

The Broadrick kids and the TKSS kids, they still make me smile when I think about them.
If I keep remembering, I'm going to hold on for a lot longer than I think I can.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Not that happy sometimes

I came home, poured myself a glass of port, and switched Heather on.
half an hour later, I poured myself a second glass and thought, "God I love my life."
But I'm thinking, I don't really.

It's like what Emily said in Jodi Picoult's The Pact.
"I know what I want, I just don't know how to get from here to there."

I don't have direct and easy paths. Or I do, often at a price higher than a local.
Whether in Singapore or America or even my own bloody country.

I used to think that I've got a pretty straight path leading to my five year goal.
Turns out, I don't.
It's easy to talk about University and where you want to go. It's easy to talk about the things you'll do and the things you'll do afterward. But if you face up to reality, it doesn't take two guesses to figure that sometimes, you might be shivering in a blacked-out apartment in the dead of winter. It's awful, doing all this financial planning. And I honestly feel like dropping dead.

Last year, I'd stare at these costs and pictures. Figure I had the sums worked up in my head or little blue notebooks. Back then, this was my reason to keep going. Because you know, Distance Learning can be pretty damn boring. The book doesn't have odd teeth or accents to laugh at. And you don't have classmates to talk to.
But right now, in the last year of this Associate's Degree, I'm thinking,
God, help me please.
I don't know how the fuck to do it.

And God knows, I am so fucking tired of thinking.

The world of twits

Well, we can't always get what we want.
And sometimes, well sometimes, as much as I say "Do what you want to do", you ought to think about whether or not it affects all the other things you might want to do.

Or maybe Justin's whole stupid brainwashing thing is getting to me.
me: (with aaaaaaaaaall the enthusiasm in the world) OMG I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY SOOOO BAD
justin: No you don't.
me: huh? what do you mean?
justin: you don't.
justin: No you don't.

okay lah, not really.
I don't know. But I ought to spend more time thinking about shit and all.

On a less serious, mustache-y note!
I went for a swim with the Little Creature. And because Little Creatures are forgetful, on top of being deaf and weird and spazzy, she forgot to stretch (which I never do but whatevs.)
So she started cramping up.
poor cramped up little creature):

Lovely time though. Although I've had like, three huge glasses of orange juice since I got back and feel kind of bloated. hmmmm

So right, on the way back, I was in the midst of an animated discussion with Janice. I was recalling some incident that had me talking loudly and got my fur all fluffed out.
Anyhoos, we were standing at the traffic light, closest to the button. There was a HUGE MASSIVE bunch of space on TLC's right side. Not that there was anyone around us to worry about at all. While talking, I of course kept checking for the light to turn green.
so as it goes, about two second after I last checked, it turned green but I was still talking. I couldn't have missed it by more than three seconds, but before I could move, however, there was this insistent ringing of a bike bell.

Now, this pissed me off because of two things:
1) I hadn't missed the fucking thing very long
2) There's a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING SPACE that is beside TLC and not directly behind me.

So I spun around and shouted (omg, for the first time in my life, I swear to God, I actually SHOUTED. This resulting from the fact that I had a raised voice while recalling incident of some other twit to TLC)
I stared at her and yelled:
It was actually quite funny because she was SO startled that her already pale face went a bit whiter and she (I swear, no exaggeration), not say shrank back lah, but she sat back a bit.

In fact, her startled face was SO funny, that TLC and I started laughing really loudly.
And she, while muttering to herself and cycling away, turned back to cast a look. At this we actually POINTED AND LAUGHED IN HER FACE.
Whereby Janice shouted stuff that was super funny at that time, but you wouldn't get it if I typed it out.


I also took the opportunity to yell at the stupid twits at that twit-faced shop in Hougang mall.
(actually, I've never been there or seen the people)
And YAY, TLC gets her new copy of Assassin's Creed.
I am awesome:D

I feel like popping out of the country still.
Imma go see where Buttons wants to go. She has a thing for jungles. Likes to pretend she's a black panther.
The only one with a bikini and a French Manicure that is.
my pretty baby(:

Sunday, July 19, 2009


Can't wait to get out of the country.
You know, just for a bit.
It always makes me feel better(:

And ahmahgaaad, I want to go to Hong Kong REALLY badly!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

C'est La Vie

Okay, so some things aren't fair. Sometimes we just can't catch a break. Sometimes everything we want to work will fall apart in our hands.
But there isn't much else to do beside have a lovely glass of wine, a nice cognac dipped cigar and move on.

All the love in the world aside,
I still hurt at the implications the conversation brought out. Love him as I might, I don't think it was fair for assumptions to be made like that and conclusions jumped to, especially because less than 10% of his time is spent with me.
It's not his fault, but it's also not mine.
And I think, all things being equal (not really) and considering what I have (or have not) had,
there are some things that I should be allowed to assume I will get. Regardless.
Okay, that sounds a bit brattier than I meant.

What I mean to say is, there are just a couple of things a kid can assume to get from parents.
No, a car is not one of them, because it is not a necessity.

If I can, I would sign on those dotted lines in a heartbeat. But you see, I shouldn't do it because you expect it of me. Because generally, that is not expected of children.
Or maybe it's just my warped perception of what children should be entitled to have.
Like free flow of alcohol, smokes and whathaveyou, but not the financial stability to pay their own school fees before a certain age.

All that vague shit that you are getting bored of reading aside,
it hurt more than I expected it to. But then I'm pretty sure I'm being a tad sensitive.
He had valid points to put forth, albeit in a less tactful way. And I love him all the same.
So that's that.

according to my calculations, all's not over yet.
Besides, I ought to just lose weight and become a stripper.
The things us secondary school dropouts (okay not really:/) do to get ourselves back into the education system!
Like I said, C'est la vie.

Friday, July 17, 2009

gets me all smiley (but a wee bit gloomy too)


Just indulged myself in going back to old favourited pages. Checked out a few vacation homes all over California. So pretty! I want I want!

It makes me smile a bit, to think about where I can go and looking at driving directions (cos I can sooooo drive on those huge roads. scoff)
But it also makes me wish I was there like, NOW.

Anyhoos, just to make you guys smile too, most vacation homes sleep like, six people.
They're awesomely huge and decently priced and and just, plain fucking pretty.
Vicky you will finish your work and crawl into my suitcase!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Portraits hung on empty walls

Yes, there are still a few things that make me tear up.

Sometimes I wonder why it all fell apart, and it's easy to see all the could've beens when they're staring you in the face. But I don't get envious or jealous anymore. I tell myself that walking around starkers is all I ever want out of life (sometimes I believe it too).
And I figure, I've lived so long without men in the house that it feels very weird if I ever do.

So last Saturday would have been the twenty-second year mark.

You can't not remember stuff like that. You can't pretend those dates never existed or don't matter in the least.
So I acknowledge it, although I don't quite know what to make of it or how to feel about it.

I remember one afternoon, back in Pasir Ris when I was like seven or eight, I found the recorded tape of my parents' wedding. I sat through the entire thing. It was the first wedding I cried at.
Then I wanted (in my douche-y little seven year old brain) to make my mommy feel princessy and bride-like again. So I ran around the house in a whirl, putting up pictures of her in her wedding dress, my parents on the wedding day, and instead of a red carpet, I laid out the sheepskin rug for her.
Of course I didn't really know what to say when she stepped through the front door. So I think I just said, "It's your wedding!" Or something incredibly stupid like that.
I think it must've been kind of painful for my mommy, who probably knew a lot more about what was going on with the marriage than I did.

These days, when I carry Abigayle and wander off with her, I tell her how insanely lucky she is. She will never have to go through anything close to what I ever went through. I tell her how she has absolutely no reason to be a brat and throw tempers and how I hope to God she grows up appreciating what she has.
She's going to be an older sister for the first time. I'm going to be an older sister for the third time. I kind of feel really old.
Anyways, it's a boy.
Abigayle knows how to point out things now. If you ask her where the star is, she'll point to a star. Or a ball. Or the baby. She puts both hands on her mother's tummy when we ask her where the baby is. She's still the baby to me, but I think she'll make a lovely older sister when the time comes.
And truly, I am excited.

Eventually, the dull ache that comes with those two anniversary dates, one that is still celebrated and one that is not, will fade.
Maybe one day we'll find ourselves living entirely different lives, save for the ocassional e-card and snail-mails.
But just like I tell Abigayle to appreciate all that she has, I ought to be grateful for what I had too. It was pretty damn good, after all, albeit for a short while.

Besides, I win hands down because I was born in UK.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Highlighting the truths in your journal

I guess sometimes you just need to be honest with yourself.
It's the whole, "Do you really want to do this?" thing again.
When I talk about being honest, I mean, when you're alone and you don't need to be modest and shit. Ask if you can really do all those things you think you can do.
There's no one around for you to lie to anyways.

I guess, if you're really honest with yourself and what you want to do, then sorting out your priorities are a whole load easier. On the whole anyway, no promises.

So like,
can I write well?
No I can't. Not even to save my imaginary balls.
I like writing, and I love reading. And I also do honestly believe that The Little Creature is a better writer than I am. And no, I don't write well.
I think I've got lots of stories in my head that might turn out to be interesting, but writing it down doesn't do any of them justice.
Swear to God.
At the same time, I really do love writing. But there's a huge difference between liking to do something and being able to do it well.

I pride myself in writing songs that do not talk about stupid mindless nothings. I love singing, and I love songwriting. But does that make me good? No, it doesn't.
I don't think I'm terrible. But you know, there are tonnes of better singers out there.
Plus, I'm insecure and critical.
Liking/ wanting to do something, doesn't mean you're good at it.

I think there is so much more for me to learn. And I'm incredibly excited about the million and one things that I don't know about yet. I am dead keen on crazy-intensive classes that have you frozen in a single position for hours.
And there's just an overwhelming amount of stuff that I want to know more about and want to pass on to kids who want to know.
Am I good? I'm okay
Do I want to be better? Yes
Do I secretly think I'm better than local actors/actresses? Yes.
Because honestly speaking, they suck. Most of the actors and actresses in the mainstream media are so terribly that if I had a penis, it would shrivel up and die everytime I watched local television.

So sometimes, I think I'm quite happy where I am. But actually, I'm not. I think I'm okay because I compare myself to what's around me. And that's not much of a comparison.
What I do like is loving this so much that I know how much more there is to learn but at the same time I do appreciate how far I've gotten.

So lets see, that leaves me with,
What the Fuck am I actually good at?
Feeding Buttons her tablets. TLC and I have gotten it down to two tries. That's good shit.
I'm good at putting outfits together and telling you if your outfit looks like a potato sack.
I'm fantastic at arranging things perfectly and being perfectly matched if I want to.

Can i make a career out of any of this? No.

Now, I think I need to hole myself up and be excited about the things that I actually CAN do.

Oh and by the way, I won't be singing next week.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I am here too.

But should I?

so, so SO incredibly frustrated

Well for starters, I sat through about the first hour of 27 dresses and it sucks balls.
It sucks so badly, that I want to vomit in my own mouth and SWALLOW.

This being a finish to an okay but incredibly frustrating day. I think it's just because I'm tired out of my mind but I am just so unbelievably, insanely infuriated with so many things right now.
so so SO tired that i feel like curling up into a ball and crying.

time to sleep now.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Repeat Offence

I was never really much of a Michael Jackson fan. It's not that I didn't like him or that I hated him, it's just that I never really listened to his stuff.
I like the couple of stuff that he did as a kid, but aside from that, even though I think Thriller is kinda cute, I figured his songs sounded pretty much like that.
Loud and uhm. well just not quiet.


oh no! This is SO like me to like someone when it's clearly a bit too late.
This sucks):

Sunday, July 5, 2009

bits of life that you ought not to let go off

This picture just popped up on my screensaver of constantly-changing pictures.
I think it is soooo terribly cute!

Plus, the little girl has the same coloured skin as Vic and could totally pass off as his kid!

New hair!

No you twat, I'm not naked. The spag strap is very long.


Me? wanting a curls? PAH.
But then I admit, I did (and do) think it was kinda cute with bangs. So this is me, giving it a go.

I, who waited years (really, I did) just to buy my own ceramic hair straightener.
I who at one point, wanted straight hair soooo badly that i wanted to go for rebonding.
I who are baboon and ish ahmahgadxzxzzxz super lazy to look after my freaking hair.

Anyhoos, The Little Creature, who suggested it to begin with, approves!
yay me.
I do like it very much. But I can't wait for it to grow out abit and be a bit bigger with softer curls. (lets just hope that's what happens)

What I love about curls, is that you just have to pull it up and secure it with a clip to look like you "did something" with your hair. yayyyy.

SO, now that my hair's all nicely done, what am I going to do?
Bring my baby to the vet for her snipsnip):

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Hello weekend, it's been a long while

and I kinda feel like this.

I don't know what's wrong with me. There's stuff for me to do and I really need a break.
Half a round of a Star Wars edition of Monopoly plus a bit of a walk-about was nice.
But I thought I'd be jumping into my weekend.
Like, jumping- jumping. You know?

I was really looking forward to it. Plus, it's a long weekend too.
But there doesn't feel like there's anything to do. (actually I've got assignments to complete and all that jazz but doesn't break = no work?)

eurgh. Infuriating much.

I have been eating A LOT though.
MY GOD. I can't stand myself. I've just been eating so much. And I hate eating, by the way. I like snacking. I guess that's why I've been eating so much. Because I eat lots of small things.
Like, hamsters.


okay. that's not really true. I'm just really frustrated with myself right now.

In our recent meeting for CreateLeVoyage, we talked about Time.
Most of us are in a rush to save time, make the most of it, yada yada. So much so that I guess we don't feel comfy with sitting around and letting time waste away.
I think doing that once in a while is a good thing.

Like how, for example, I skipped out on kickboxing once because I was dead tired. But I felt instead of wasting the extra hour I had, I ought to get work done. Well I did finish my assignment, which wasn't a bad thing, but I skipped kickboxing because I was tired and then spent the next three hours (not one) rushing around doing work.

so okie doooke, couple of things I actually DID do today:
Not wake up obscenely late (I hope my biological clock isn't ruined)
hang out the laundry
bathe Buttons
wash her stuff
eat A LOT

not too bad I suppose.

I ought to go arrange my schedule for Monday.
Baby's getting snip-snip. I will forward all your imaginary well wishes to her(:
Maybe I'll go blading. but Fuck, it's Youth day and all the teenage brats will be out in the fields.

I'll go nap on it. always helps.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

horror of horrors

okay. yes, I am a xiaxue-reader. Not a regular, but a reader.
And a perez-hilton reader too. And a random person's blog-reader. I've even said hi to a blooger before I realized that I don't know her personally.


Anyway, found Wendy Cheng's recent blog entry quite hilarious. I've never been a huge ass fan of hers, I definitely don't always agree with what she says, but sometime's she's not all that bad.
And my God, that bald guy is STUPZ TO THE MAX.
Honestly, provoking her like that? My dead cat (Shittail, may he forever rest in peace), stupid as he was, wouldn't do that.

Makes me wonder why and how plain stupid people find the time to do endless entries about other plain stupid people. (MY GOD I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW)
Let's rephrase.

nope, can't think of anything better. (seriously, I typed and then backspaced and I've a ringing in the right side of my brain)

What really takes the biscuit right, is how this 28 year old bald dude had the gall to criticize her, and talk about how frivolous she is (understatement, but wait for it)
when it's not like he has a fucking job.
So there he is, getting balder by the minute, dissing Wendy Cheng left right and square in the balls about itty bitty things like her advertorials while she gets paid thousands for those and he...
well, he just gets balder and continues living off his wife. (who also jumped on the bandwagon and started with the dissing too)

My word.

And and, trust the blogger (who Mr. bald guy was pointing out couldn't blog to save her life) to do her research and come up with a super lengthy post, complete with history and bad bad bad photos!

Not everyone likes Wendy Cheng, but she doesn't CARE. She does not give two hoots, even if you WERE a crazy fan. And in any case, you can't point a finger at her because she gets paid to take stupid pictures with packets of chips while you sit around and grow bald.

Anyway, in response to her post, he deleted his posts.
Then they tweeted somemore, angrily of course, and now his blog is gone.

I think people, just like you know, across the board, are just really stupid.
You know, you get so het up about stupid issues (kind of like me when I'm watching Lily on HIMYM), and A blogs about B who blogs back in retaliation who blogs back about that, then they have a twitter fight and C blogs about. (coolness with the letters yo)

You know how mommy always ALWAYS says, if someone bullies/makes fun of you in school, don't fight back? What's the reason for that?

And that happens, for like, the rest of your life too.
People get bored when you don't react or respond to them.

I figure you could've like, ignored people posting shit about you.
But well, I don't do that so lets not preach it.
Of course I'm going to tell my kid to freaking punch the other kid if he got hit first!
But I should tell him to zone out in their faces if he's lazy for a fight.
Which i always am. So my kid might like, inherit it from me.

So I ought to have a read-through and see if I've been doing too much bad-mouthing, lest someone rake it up and have a whole brouhaha!