Thursday, July 31, 2008


You can't learn about moving on and accepting life and death from a science textbook.
You won't learn how to appreciate what you have in front of you, if you haven't physically been to a place where others had nothing.

Sometimes learning is about experiencing.
Experience is that first step out of the classroom and away from words printed in black and white.
Because the world isn't always in black and white you see, there's lots of gray in it too. And you're going to have to step into that gray area and find out about it by yourself

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Today wasn't a good day-
But you didn't know, you didn't ask, and when I talk to you, I can't help but feel you're not really listening.

Today wasn't all that bad until-
You used to know everything, you know.
I never wanted you to stop being my best friend.
Somehow, somewhere, we got busy.
We hold on tight to the few minutes in between breathing in car fumes, and blow goodbye kisses.

Today, I met up with an old friend.
An old friend I don't mind being dependent on these days.

Today wasn't really as bad as I make it sound.
Today turned out alright in the end(:

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I've been spending the entire night doing Janice's assignment):
Charis Vera is super loser!

Monday, July 28, 2008

A Teenager's Speech 01

I spend my Tuesday afternoons teaching Public Speaking at Broadrick Secondary.
They've got a competition coming up which I'm preparing them for and tomorrow, they're all required to present a full three minute speech which I'll be grading them on.

I offered my help, email address and blimey, even my msn address just in case.
Told them that their speeches should come in by Saturday.
However, out of a class of about thirty students and maximum,
I've only gotten four.

Then again, I was like that too.
I'm holding on to this idea that just because they didn't email me their speeches doesn't mean it's not good.
At the same time, when you're teaching a class, you are always likely to spot the good ones and the weaker ones.

The four who emailed me are not the bottom of the barrel, although they are slightly weaker.
I am definitely not worried about the ones who aren't weak,
but there are so many who are and yet, haven't emailed me their speeches.
At the same time, there are also the couple here and there who are so overwhelmed by their stage fright that they refuse to even try.
I think that gets me more than anything.


Anyway, the most recent speech came in
and i thought it was the best so far.
Well, as best gets out of four.
But really, it is quite impressive I must say, considering she's one of the quieter ones.
(I think anyway, cos I can't quite remember who she is and everyone remembers the louder ones!)

"How we look is unimportant, it's the inside that counts"

Staying in a country full of critics and materialism persists; it is difficult, even foolish to say that how we look and present ourselves doesn't matter. however I am with the argument that looks are not all important and that what we are inside ultimately determines how others judge us. Let's start by taking a very common example where people are judge by their looks-the media world. Actors and actresses who are good-looking and attractive always garner the most number of fans, is that true? Not really. Undoubtedly, these celebrities would have an edge over their less good-looking colleagues at first impression. But in the long run, their short terms success can only be maintained if they are truly talented. Take for example Taiwanese model Lin Zhi Ling, who is ranked among the top models in Asia, but was recently criticized for being a flower-pot in her movie "Red Cliff" by 'People's Review magazine". This is a clear testimony that being good-looking is not enough to be outstanding. One must be sophisticated too to succeed in the world of acting, like Health Ledger for example, whose impressive performance as 'joker' in 'Dark Knight' earned the respect and support from many fans.

Another point which clearly illustrates the importance of personality rather than looks is friendship and love. More often than not, people with good personality such as being kind, outgoing and caring, have more friends than those who are good looking, yet unreasonably snobbish and proud. This is because inner beauty is more approachable and likeable than exterior good-look! even regarding boy girl relationship and marriages, having good personality outweighs pretty faces, Its sadly true that most people go for looks rather than character when it comes to finding partners, but how many of these relationship actually last? But according to statistic, couples with matching personality last much longer than those that are together because of materialistic reasons. After all, love isn't about being glamorous but rather having passion and devotion isn't it? Thus in this concept how we look is unimportant but it's the inside that counts/

-- Venny Fernandez

Sunday, July 27, 2008

My Kind of Guy

i took a quiz on facebook which went something like,
"What Kind of person do you attract?"

QUESTIONS (mine included) ANSWERED!

You attract unstable people!
Congrats, you are an 'insane' magnet, and you probably have no idea why. Something about your mix of styles, how you walk not just 'one' lifestyle, but appear to have a foot in them all. To the insane, you appear to be a beacon of hope and they will flock to you, like it or not. But, they ARE insane. Lucky for you, the insane tend to be the best sexual lovers, just the rest of the package deal may not be for you

no kidding

best friends & virgin tattoos

I loooooooooove!
It's absolutely gorgeous, I swear I swear.

I guess it's the font that I'm crazy about, making the E, Z and B look absolutely beautiful.

So, quite unexpectedly, Friday afternoon was a nice little reunion where we met Ann's pretty friend who, GASP, was also born in Kent and is now studying in Tonbridge Grammar.
I think it's the same as Ashley, but I've no idea.

So yes, because Friday was the
"it's like giving birth, everyone can come see" -virgin tattoo day,
we all hung out for a bit before heading home.

Whereafter, I went home just to come back to town again and meet Christiane for dinner and drinks.

Friday evening was eventful, especially so because I was so sober it was rather sad.

You'll read the gist of it on Vicky's blog (omgomg, i should just drop down dead now)

Here's a new one for you tonight though! -

We're in the car, and Deming (friend from church) is sending us home.
So we're like, driving through Geylang, staring at the immense amount of people when the car pulls up at a light.

Mommy: Wow, still bustling eh?
Deming: Yeah lah, it's Geylang what.
Me: You would know wouldn't you? Right Right!
Deming: Of course what, always meet you heeeereeee...... whooops!

Deming: Oh No! Now I've let slip!
Me: You'd better believe I'm not meeting up with you anymore!



Where I am

"It's late afternoon at the lake. The turtles are moving closer to shore. The surface of the water is undisturbed, an expanse of smooth, grey slate. Most of the children in my neighbourhood are called home for supper by their mothers. They open the back doors, wipe their hands on their aprons, and yell, "Willie!" or "Joe!" or "Ray!" Either that or they use a bell, bolted to the doorframe and loud enough to start the dogs barking in backyards all along the street. But I was always called home by my father, and he didn't do it in the customary way. He walked down the alley all the way to the lake. If I was close, I could hear his shoes on the gravel before he came into sight. If I was far, I would see him across the surface of the water, emerging out of shadows and into the grey light. He would stand with his hands in the pockets of the windbreaker while he looked for me. This is how he got me to come home. He always came to the place where I was before he called my name."
-- Salvation on Sand Mountain by Dennis Covington

I got this in an email, and fully agreed with the little note it included.
That this excerpt reminded me so much of how God comes down all the way to where we are before saying our name.

He doesn't scream from a million miles away or "expect us to come groveling", as my friend put it, even though He has every right to.
I loved how something as simple as that rang with such complete and utter truth that it sort of hits you and wakes you up.

And don't we all take it for granted, every single day?
We think nothing of how He comes down to meet us, and call us by name, instead of ringing bells or clanging pots and pans.

I'm going to be right here, listening for Daddy's footsteps.

It was what I wanted,
right then, more than anything else in the world.

I held it so tight it became a part of me, cutting into skin- almost like it was holding me too.

Letting go is the hardest part.
And it isn't always about someone else.

la croyance

but I don't know how to, when there's a pain right here that's sure as hell easier to focus on

Thursday, July 24, 2008

away away

Today I rolled around, desperately wanting more sleep and yet, quite unable to doze off properly due to the immense amount of rubbish running through my head.
It went a little bit like,
omgomgomgomg, what to wear. i don't know. must get up. no, i don't want to. no, please, not today. isn't it alastair's birthday? alastair is in Penang. Lunch lunch lunch with Vic. shit, what were the last minute things I had to put into my bag? must remember to settle on speech topics. oh no, it's my second last lesson. what am i doing with my morning class. this bed is so comfy. so fucking comfy.

by the time i hit that last bit, i forced myself to sit up and stayed there, for like about ten minutes, stoning and breezing in and out of sleep.

Life's been so like that, that there isn't really much to say these days.
A bit sad.

One thing's for sure,
After this month, I'm quitting and cutting back on all the teaching except for drama.
And yep, I'll only be working for Inward Bound.
Can't really be bothered doing anything else and well,
I'm tired and need my time and space.
I've so much work to do, assignments to complete and yet I'm not doing them.

Discipline my ass.

Anyway, the public speaking's coming along nicely.
The kids (I hate using that word really) are super super bright.
And they're smart and funny and they try really hard. (Save for one or two)
It's a shame, the few that quit. But oh wells.

I've given them the list of super interesting topics and can't wait to hear them on Tuesday:D:D

there're tattoos to get filled in, rubbish to be eaten and little girls to be taught.

Goodnight darlings!
I haven't laughed out loud at the screen for a while,
but this was hilarious

Birdney Spears: Simon says:
hahaha its like giving birth, you can come
Birdney Spears: Simon says:
charis vera says:
Birdney Spears: Simon says:
my virgin tattoo you knw
Birdney Spears: Simon says:
like having sex

what in the world

Tuesday, July 22, 2008



a loooooong while ago,
i set off with the family to Bintan, where we got sun, sea, a day and a half of rain )): but most importantly,
family time.

The pictures are in rather random order I'd say.

I swear I tried my best to tidy them up and arrange them but half way through I got so effing lazy I was like,
hell, you're not gonna care.

Obviously The Little Creature took marvellous shots, but it's not like I didn't!
I don't know who took this but I'm sure it was me!

I looooove.

This was our seaview room.
They weren't bloody kidding.
It was a spectacular view.

Yes that's how clear the water was.

Having not been back since i was in Primary school,
I was captured by the clear waters.


We got to feed him tooo!
He was an awfully happy elephant I must say.
And this only happened when mommy and TLC were on him.
Boy, look at the shit he left behind.

and there were sandcastles (which we didn't build),pictures of us with the hot legs we'll never have,
and fucktastic tans((((:


look what i found!
I can't wait for this month to be over.
Such a mentally draining month.

Monday, July 21, 2008

forever and a day

Pass the tea and sympathy for the good old days long gone
We'll drink a toast to those who most believe in what they've won
It's a long, long time 'til morning plays wasted on the dawn
And I'll not write another line, for my true love is gone

When I have no dreams to give you anymore
I'll light a blazing fire and wait within the door
And throw my life away, "I wonder why?" they all will say
And now I lay me down to sleep, forever and a day

Tea and Sympathy

this seemed a lifetime ago.

all for it

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

recap; singledom

flying fuck,
nothing makes sense now.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

the thing is right,
when i went through it, it did hurt.
at the time.
Just not anymore.

and even though the memory's kind of fuzzy, i remember how everything ached.
i remember how everything felt like a wound that was being ripped open again and again and again.
when you're in it, you feel like you're never gonna get out.
and when you're finally out of it and you've run far enough away,
you forget what it all felt like.
That is, until everything starts spilling out all over your lap again.

and i.

I mean.
there hasn't been a reason to cry.
Why should I, after all.

I'm lucky.
I'm lucky because my coping mechanisms worked.
Throwing up and jogging and cutting and crying, that all worked.
That and maybe leading people on.

It's there you know.
Shit Victor, you're freaking right.
It's there, somewhere in my journal.
Waiting for someone to fall hard enough for me so that I can raise an eyebrow at him, call him silly and then walk out of the room.
Precisely the reason I wasn't with a girl, because I could never do that.


I guess I've done my share of leading people on, being an absolute skank, and whatnot.

Fucking hell.
I am so bloody sick of myself right now.
So incredibly annoyed that I thought I was all that,
when in truth, I'm really not.

I really haven't been.

Victor said something like, I haven't had to deal with the day to day of being single.
Of having absolutely no one to call and being horribly and disgustingly lonely.

I'm cheating, because I've always had attention.

so maybe I'm an absolute attention slut.
Or maybe, it's just been too long ago to remember how much it really hurt.

To wake up and not have anyone text you, and fall asleep only by imagining that someone was right there to hold you.
Maybe it's so far away that I can look back at it and laugh and call myself stupid.
I think that's all I mean really.

It's too far away to remember what it felt like to have a breakup on top of everything else;
to stay up til three and walk around in the park,
doze off and wake up at half six to stare out the window at a school i loved but couldn't call my own,
and have my first drink by half eight in the morning.

So i can write about it like that, and sound like a disgusting self-piteous emo teenager who can't get over herself,
but i can't feel anything anymore.

Then again, maybe that was the point to begin with.

And then for the first time,
something hurt.

Maybe i'm wondering if Victor's right.
That I'm a complete hypocrite telling Alastair that he's dependent on all those relationships and that he allows them to define him.
Perhaps I am exactly like that.
Worse even, because I seem to drop my knickers for anyone who smiles in my direction.

It hurt like a motherfucking bitch.
I'm guessing it's because I don't have the guts to see the truth in what he said.


just like, it was.

everything stung.
but for the first time in a while,
i actually felt alive again.


10.30, we agree.
but no one's there to meet you at the station.
no one's picking up the fucking phone.
and no one gives a droplet of shit about anyone else.

it's like she's always like this-
always writing random emo stuff that no one gives a shit about.
it's so out of habit, c'mon.

today was so ugly
you'd look in the mirror and cry.
the worst thing was that you thought it was okay
perfect, almost, at first.
you realize otherwise

every bit of space around you screams ugly
and ugly snuggles into the crook of your arm and smiles up at you


you forget, see.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

my 2007 recap

I found this while browsing through my archives.
I haven't changed much, i liked it more because of the memories and the laugh out loud moments
It made me smile(:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Get suspended from school
Quit school

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember last year's and no, i don't have any this year

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yea, my stepmom just gave birth, a friend gave birth in march 07,
another gave birth towards the end of the year and another close friend is due in February

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yea, a part of me

5. What countries did you visit?
Bali, malaysia

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A colder heart, self worth, discipline

7. What exact date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
A night in March and a night in April- one i did something bad and another sent my world crashing

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Falling out of love, Falling in love, doing the local singer/songwriter's release

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being a good enough girlfriend and daughter and friend, for that matter

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
I started randomly and uncontrollably throwing up and had to be rushed to the clinic,
other than that and heartbreak, i was just peachy

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I buy too much stuff to think about that. haha.
Must be shoes i think, mmmhmmm. I bought a couple of fab shoes, and a fab skirt too!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Alastair's, he grew stronger emotionally, in some ways

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, Alastair's, Cheez's, Vee's (wish i could say the same for you precious), Ben's and someone i used to know(that's how bad it is)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Cigarettes, booze, cab and shopping

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting a tan in bali, release of local singer/songwriters and if you include this year- the day off at Sentosa i spent in great company!

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Mist -an original

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
NOT eat, say no, self-studying

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
people (okay that sounded sad and skanky)
um cry

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with my family in the day and my dad's family at night

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Deeper in love, yes and fall in love all over again, yes too
By the way, what happened to question 21?

23. How many one-night stands?
i'd say fuck you but i don't want to.
I don't kiss and tell (gag)
And by the way, how about if i like, randomly wrote in a question for number 21?:D:D

24. What was your favorite TV program?
ellen Degenerous

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I'm too lazy to hate people

26. What was the best book you read?
Emily McGuire's Taming the Beast

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
John Mayor, Corinne Bailey Rae, Liz Wright

28. What did you want and get?
Freedom, piercings, someone who adored me though the feeling wasn't mutual

29. What did you get and not want?
A painful, messy, unclean breakup,
emotional stress, late nights crying and puffy-eyed mornings

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned sixteen, was trying desperately to right a wrong i'd done, did not really celebrate it, drank too much and sang onstage when i was high

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If i got into a really serious car accident and had to be hospitalized but was still able to do my O's

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Dress young or too skanky

34. What kept you sane?
Too much alcohol, cigarettes, Vicky, Victor, Twin and sometimes Ann and Bird

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ellen Degenerous

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The whole gay law thing

37. Who did you miss?
Alastair, Vee, victor, Enqing, marc (believe it or not! hahaha)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Zool, Karen, Daanish!
I met Enqing again! Does that count! ahahahahha

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
1)What people dangle in front of you is either a carrot or a stick, most should be smart enough to pick the right one. But don't pick either, just punch the person dangling shit in front of you and do whatever you want to do.

2)There are friends and there are aquaintances, tell the difference

3)God is always there to hold your hand

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Gone are the shadows and doubts, that was then,
This is my Now

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

If I am missing or dead

I know I must, that I should and that I probably will, walk away.

Seem to have wandered close enough to words that bring me to breaking point.
At some point, the cracks will show, the insides threatening to explode in my face and bleed all over my hands.
And I will cry and cry and hate what has happened, and hate myself for bearing witness because i could not turn away.

It's because of who I am, I suppose.
I can't stand women being sexualized and degraded. Can't stand it that there are actually men in the world who exist to be such absolute pricks.

"Do you think men will ever see us as something more than sexual objects?" was the question,
"No" came the reply.
And they burst out laughing.

But I didn't think it was funny in the least.
Not in the fucking least.

I should stop doing this to myself because it's clearly driving me fucking insane.
But it's almost like I can't.
I can't bloody walk away now, not just yet anyway.

Keep on at it, figuring things will get better.
But they won't before they get worse.
Still, I can't seem to throw it out the window -
You've done well love, in keeping me absolutely hooked-
and that pisses me off more than anything else.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I despise you,
and the only grades you're capable of getting.
In my gmail inbox today, was something from Tony Romas.

Being a member, they sent me an email about a special someone's birthday coming up, and attached a voucher for a birthday discount.
I clicked on it, a tad bit blur.
Guess i sort of forgot that part of being a member got you to note down a couple of Special Someones' birthdays.

I racked my brains, figuring out who I could possibly have put down-
Mommy's birthday isn't for another three months, and this one stated that it was for the month of July.

Then I remembered who's name I'd written down,
all smiley and lip-biting:

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I was born in the 90s yo

It should be a good thing, no?
That instead of cooping myself up in my room and blogging a ton like I used to, I'm out there living my life.
Yeah Right. Keep telling yourself that Charis.

a very random update on stuff that I know (for a fact) you care nothing about!

This is a spider.
A rather medium sized spider.
What's interesting though, is it's web.
It seems to have reinforced the inner bits with more silk. (the whiter bits)
You should see it in real life. It at Aljunied MRT Station.
It's dead i'm guessing. Cos it was still there when i went back a week later.

This is one of my students! One of the super cute ones.
Chen Qin Yi
She's got the same surname as Bird and Vee and DD and her Yi is the same as mine!
This was right after she got herself spectacles.
Pretty darn cute, I say.

This is how she usually looks like.
She's really funny.
And believe it or not, her Chinese isn't all that fab.
She keeps forgetting how to write Chinese words that even I remember.
Imagine that!
And she's from China.


It was an insanely fun and gorgeous time while it lasted.
And it's not just because you get to teach the kids of local actors/actresses. The kids are absolutely adorable and the interaction is something you can't bloody pay to get.

I'll talk about the down sides another time.
I prefer to keep my happy memories(:

So anyway, yep.
I quit.
And on my last day, I did what I did on my very first day-
I set up the train tracks.
Though of course, this time it's a lot more elaborate.
Victor's sort of become my accidental Study-Buddy.
I always keep my Monday afternoons clear for precisely that!
Unbelievable eh? eh eh eh?


Tel est la vie avec mes deux garçons préférés!

Not that I can actually say that properly of course.


Happy, not to mention random post.


It's the 291st post.
And we all know when I was born, don't we?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I find myself asking, what it is I want.
Most of the time I have the answer for that question.
But the thing is, even though I've got the answer, I'm still getting frustrated with where I am.

There's so much that I feel like doing.

You must be thinking I'm a complete brat right now.
After all, what more could any seventeen year old ask for?
This year and the next are my Travel Years, I'm working, and doing something i actually love and plan to do for the rest of my life, and i'm still studying so i'm not completely useless.
I've got all this wonderfully flexible time and space.

So then, why do I feel like I might actually need to slow down?
Whoever heard of breathing! Isn't that like, SO ten years ago?

I guess occasionally, I do actually worry that I'll get tired/lose my passion.
Doesn't seem particularly likely but well.
I absolutely love my life right now, I guess I just need to find more time for myself and my studies. Getting into Irvine is really important to me right now.

and not dying, I suppose.
My tuna sandwich tasted bland and disgusting in my mouth.
Now i feel horribly full, with an aftertaste that's a bit like fish and blood.
I think the worse thing about being down with the flu sometimes, isn't that you can't taste.
It's that bloody inbetween, where you can't taste PROPERLY.


Monday, July 7, 2008

I'm praying this will reach you.

Dear Uncle John,

I led worship for the first time at my church today.
Would you have been proud of me, if you'd been there?
I never gave much thought to it, but I realized that both you and Aunty Esther haven't heard me singing yet.

It's been quite a while now, hasn't it?
And I suppose I'm not quite the same as the little ruddy-cheeked girl you last saw.
It must be ten years in the very least and now,
well now it'll have to be a little longer.

Uncle John,
It's hard to be strong and not cry you know. Even though I know you're in a much better place, even though I know you don't feel any more pain and even though I know you're a lot happier.

Why couldn't I have known,
that the last time I reached up to hug you would be the very last time?
I can't help thinking of how you've been and what you've been doing over the last decade.
While I was busy trying to grow up too soon, I'm wondering how you were living and if you were as happy as I remember you.

Was it last year that I spoke with you?
I hate remembering how I said goodbye; casual and light- the way I say goodbye to my friends.
Perhaps I was so sure we'd speak again soon, or that it wouldn't be long before I got to see you.

There're memories I still have, you know.
But then, they're much too few for my liking.
I can't seem to tell which is worse; remembering too much, or remembering too little.

I wish I'd been there Uncle John, I wish that I'd at least have known.

Can't help thinking about how long it's been and how I won't get to see you or hug you again.

I think more than anything else Uncle John,
I'm sorry.
I really really am.

For telling myself that we'd go back home sooner or later, and that'd we'd see you.
For being so bloody self-absorbed that I thought we had so much more time with you, when we actually didn't.
For not hugging you tight enough the last time that I could.
For not being able to say goodbye.

There's so much more to tell you, show you, let you hear.
But all of those aren't in the least bit important anymore.

Can't wait to see you again.
And I'll hug you tight, like I always have.

I love you Uncle John, and I miss you dreadfully.

Wish you were here.

All my love, hugs and kisses
Charis Vera
We wouldn't have guessed.

Didn't need to make our visitor welcome, he found his way around.

A lot less dramatic than that, but a lot more real and sad too-
Death's paying us a visit.

We wouldn't, couldn't have guessed.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

There're a lot of songs that I've started but then,
never got round to finishing.
A lot of questions I had, when I was a kid, that had answers I was supposed to wait for.
Questions which I've now forgotten, while waiting for the answers.
And if I haven't forgotten those questions, then I've already found the answers out by myself.

Maybe that's what you mean-
having someone finish your song, having someone answer your questions.

I had a problem once.
But you see, I've figured a way round.
Now I know it won't happen again.
Not ever.

I figured out the answers, and then i changed the words to the would've-been song.