It'll come in the morning

John 16v22

So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

I walked in, the scent of freshly brewed coffee filling my person as I climbed up the stairs, and I stepped right back into safety. And that's all I felt; Safe.

That I was somewhere I could breathe, and be. That I was singing with everything I was worth and you know, the Lord didn't give two hoots about whether or not I was using my intercostal muscles (which I was) or breathing into my diaphragm (which I also was) or connecting my breath to the thought (definitely was doing that).

I've been sad. Well maybe not sad, per say, but I haven't been happy and that's been difficult and trying and...

It's difficult to just, to be, y'know?

And boy, it's been a bloody long week if you ask me. I needed today, and I am grateful for today. Because I am reminded that there's just that bit more in me.

Just that bit more.

This heart, it's spent its time missing

You hold my world,

in the palm of Your hand

And I am Yours, forever

I'll fly in a bit.

It's not that I need to be in a different country to be in touch with God. It's just that, it's always been refreshing. Endlessly so at that.

And for that, I am impossibly excited.

I can't wait.

Easter Vigil

So I went, feeling severely underdressed. But I didn't get frowned at, and I pulled a cardy over myself so it wasn't too bad on that end.

I really liked it, I must say. Not the not-getting-frowned-at-bit, although that did help.

I've never been for Easter Vigil before, or sat through baptisms and paid attention, for that matter. There are always points where one finds oneself switching off, or sinking in one's seat.

Didn't happen. I really liked it(:

Dinner was amazingly late, but I think not having the sense to go to the teller's earlier added to that. (I will tell myself off for being such a procrastinator, later.)

Yes I like Easter Vigil, but I think there was a whole lot of things that came with it that I really liked as well. I don't have extended discussions about my faith very often. When it comes up, my opinions, takes and beliefs, yes, but it's hardly ever a two-person conversation now is it? But then it was, and that was interesting.

I think we often find ourselves talking about pretty interesting things. Things I can go back and chew on and mull over for a bit.

There are a lot of things that are different, in a lot of ways. None of them bad, just different. And the finding out is always the fun bit- about whatever topic it is at hand, last night's mostly being church/the church/churches.

It was a lovely Sunday morning to wake up. I gave CMC a miss, seeing as I wasn't very close by, and, our last time-check having been 3:54am (time-warp much?), I wasn't keen on waking up at some nonsense hour.

On weekends, I find that I am rather taken aback by how bright it is at 7 in the morn.

Anyhoosies, we lazed and slept in. Although I lie when I say "slept in" because no, sleeping in til eight or nine isn't really sleeping in.

Sat around with Erika's folks this Easter Morning- there's this very nice and comfy sort of routine-like vibe that they tend to give off. They are the epitome of parents on a weekend morning, and it's amazing and super refreshing.

Don't get me wrong, I love my functionally dysfunctional family in all the ways possible, but I haven't felt that sort of homely, family-type ease since, Good Lord,

the first flat we rented when we first got to Singapore.

It's nice.

(:

I went to Church with The Little Creature. It was nice. Said Hellos and Goodbyes, talked briefly about Sabs' wedding in October. I'm a bit scared, but I'm not going to talk about it.

The Little Creature and I had some time together in the area close to home,

and,

I had a productive rest-of-the-Sunday.

Not bad for Easter I say!

They do say, it's New beginnings, no?

saya tak tahu

But He takes His time to work suddenly,
And He'll always pull through.

This one certainty in a haze of What Ifs and Maybes,
is all I need for a stepping stone.

______________

I never knew you felt the way you did,

but I like that you found words for it.

And I didn't know I could feel the way I do,

until I realized there're a lot of words I should go about looking for.

Letter

"I remember Job though, lots of bad things happened to him."
"Uh huh"
"Yeah, I mean his wife got turned into a pillar of salt."
"Baby that wasn't Job, that was Lot or something."
"Yeah well, a lot of bad things happened to him too."

Sometimes people go, "Oh well, hey, it could've been worse."
Except, if you're right in the middle of the world crashing down around you,
it sort of doesn't feel that way.

So yes, maybe our cattle and sheep and wheat and barley aren't dead or being attacked.
Maybe our children aren't dead.
Maybe our wife isn't randomly turning into a pillar of salt.
But it doesn't make any of this any easier to swallow.


Yes, none of us can see Your major plan for us. And maybe, when all is said and done, we'll be one who finds ourselves looking back and smiling knowingly.
But I'm just saying, maybe it'd be nice to ease up a bit on the nonsense is all.


Because really, honestly,
There are some who could really do with You cutting them some slack.
And maybe there really is a world waiting on the other side of this pool of boiling lava,
But the world on this side hasn't been half bad and bloody hell,
This is one helluva lava pool.

Respite,
Please.

Before there's absolutely nothing left.




right now, I'd give the world, to have you slip into sleep breathing easy

There are first times for everything, no?

Sooooo,
Monday evening, I showered and jumped into something super comfy and then went for a walk in the park.
It had been quite a lovely Monday, come to think of it. I had a delish breakfast in the morning, and the conversation, although it veered to generally untalked-about-topics, was good. And I mean, we can't keep leaving the future-us to deal with stuff all the time now can we?

The afternoon had me rested up while a friend of mine got daddy-time and her iphone! She was mighty pleased, and I always like when my friends are happy. It makes me smile(:
Speaking of which, Vee's finally going to get herself a new cellphone. She has a habit of using her phones until they are literally held together by a dying wire. And I mean LITERALLY.

I had dins in town with the family, and we were all geared up to get our new cellphones when my insides decided to go all weirdo on me. I kinda half thought it'd be something that would pass, except it didn't. It escalated and was just unimaginably unbearable. I've repeated this quite a bit this week (omg it's wednesday already?!), so I won't go on to be super descriptive about the rollar coaster ride my intestines were on.

Long story short,
I ended up in the A&E Monday night, waiting absolute ages to see the doctor. Then I got chucked into the observation ward twice over, spending the night and then got chucked into the EDTU Ward. I still have no idea what that stands for, but I basically had to be kept there for 23 hours, in case it was appendicitis.
I met a couple of doctors who were quite lovely, and some less-than-interested nurses and some who just could hardly hold a proper conversation with either of my parents.

Honestly, I've always secretly wanted to be in hospital.
I figure, it's never looked all that bad, and then you get visitors, sleep, a cool bed, meals served to you and full rights to stay in bed all day reading.
Then I thought, Oh My Word, twenty-three hours? Whaaaaa...t?
And I thought i'd be restless as hell and fidgety and all that, but I wasn't.

The entire stay wasn't half bad, really.
The food was decent, I liked sleeping, the bed was kinda cool and my visitors were all just absolute darlings and constantly feeding my face!
Erika came by with Jafa Vienese(i think?) and my, weren't they yummy! And then Vicky and Victor brought this case of baby macarons and I was just absolutely in looooooove, And then I just kept stealing Vee's cornflaky chocolate thingum which was almost as nice as she was. Then daddy came by a second time, after his meeting with chocolate/cheese/tuna-filled chubcakes from that jollybean shop. And I've always loved chocolate chubcakes.
And then this morning mommy brought Reese's and Daddy came by with more chubcakes and
MY WORD!
I HAVE BEEN STUFFED TO THE HILT!
The healthiest visitors I've had were Uncle LyeHeng and Aunty Susan who came by and filled me up with prayers instead. And very filled I was indeed!

hahahaha.

So aside from that ever-present pain I was having that never quite went away, lots of needles and an earful of coughing fits from the asthmatic lady in the cubicle across from mine, my stay was pretty decent.
It wasn't the regular ward, with rows and rows of beds and people an arm's length away from you. Naw, it was smaller, better-spaced out ward and I always had my curtains drawn.
I wrote some, and I was on Facebook a bit, but I didn't read at all.
Unless you count a few pages of the Sherlock Holmes that Erika came by with. Except we sort of gave up on that by the fourth page I think.

Not half bad, me thinks, for a first time hospital-stay.
But I suppose if I'd have had to stay ages longer, I might've gotten fidgety. I wasn't allowed to leave the ward at all you see, so my only movement was climbing out of bed, shuffling ten steps to the gross-smelling loo and then shuffling back and climbing into bed again.

All is good now, well, more or less. It's not appendicitis as you can see, and no we don't know what it is or what caused that unbearable pain on Monday night, but I figure it'll right itself and if it doesn't then I'll eventually see myself having another visit where we will finally figure out what's up.
Thank you for the prayers, and the well wishes, and the texts and phonecalls.
I'm better, just super dopey is all.

Bird called the moment she knew, Tuesday morning- and it made me smile, her calling from so far away. And I was thinking,
"My, what drama! She leaves and then I end up in the A&E, what's up with thaaaaaat!"
So I filled her in on details, and by then I was capable of walking about slowly without anyone's help. It was nice, talking to her. I just thought it was a shame that the first phonecall with her started off about being in the hospital. haha.
She says it's cold, even though she's indoors. But I'd rather be cold and bundled up than warm and stuffy and trying desperately to take off more clothes and not feeling any better.(:
She sounds comfy and happy, and for that I am happy too. Very much so in fact!
And it's nice knowing that I'm always being looked out for(:

I think the oddest part about being home right now is how I didn't expect to be away from it for so long. I still have an unwashed plate on my table, for crying out loud. And that's really saying something because in the very least, I'd have put my dirty dishes in the sink before leaving home, unless I expected to be back within the next two, three hours.
So yes.
I am home, and very dopey and I would like to crawl into bed now.

Erika's flown off already, and I do hope she has the loveliest time while she's in Hong Kong.
I hope she doesn't get lost and that she'll have fun with Urs, even when they do get lost!
I don't think people'll be very keen on jumping out at them considering they'll be carrying around "odd shaped items" in the form of whips.

Vicky and Victor will be off to Aussie to visit Dory this Friday. Well, Thursday more like. It's a conspiracy, this is, to leave me here to mope! RAWR.
So I'll spend most of the night with them on Thursday before they amble off for fucktastic weather.

I'm pretty stoked about going off myself. I haven't been to HK in the summer, so this will be a first for me.
And I am absolutely dying to meet up with Peggy and if possible, Ken and my Godma and all. I never know when I'll next see them, so meeting up with them when I can is pretty something. And I'm looking forward to that.
There's the food too, my word, the food! It's madness.

It'll be a fantastic trip, and if I do all the things I need to do before leaving, then it'll be a very well-earned trip. Which will make the trip itself much better.
So I have things to do now,
and we'll start by sleeping off this dopey-ness first shall we?
Mymy.
(:

Lord, You move me in the oddest ways

Every Little Thing

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted


And why do we forget, (and we do without even noticing), that there's always been someone waiting right on the fringe of our everyday.
Just, waiting,
for us to believe,
for us to ask,
for us to want to want,
for us to want.

I think we often miss out that He hurts too, that He cries,
that He wants and wishes.
The magic isn't in the snapping of fingers, it's in the story of getting you to believe.

We don't stop to think, that maybe while we're desperate for something else,
He's been desperate for us.



for us to say
"Daddy, sit here with me."

Surrender

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

--Barlow Girl, Surrender

You've made it all so beautiful, so unimaginably beautiful. And You've created such an insane longing that I get ahead of myself, with all my plans, my dreams, and a wallet of determination.

Now I suddenly find my priorities, my perspectives, messing themselves up. I grapple with this unfamiliar feeling of not knowing where I am going, and I cry.
I cry and I try to sit down and put it all together again, only to have it refuse to fit.

And then, weary, exhausted and on the brink of despair, I find You.
I always find You, even when I haven't been looking.
And You calm me. You fill me with such an immense peace that I smile to myself on the train, I look out at people hurrying and for the first time in my life, I feel okay to not really know what is going to happen next.

I thought that the point of this transitional period, was to get out of it and know where I'm going. To find my direction and start going for it.
And for the first few days I was just filled with exasperation and frustration at what was left of me. I hated not knowing, I hated not being able to plan it down to the T.
But right in the middle of it, You opened up my clenched fist, and waited.

And I gave, I will give, and I will keep giving.
Letting go of this, of all of this, feels like the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Ever.
Because my dreams are me.
But I know now, for the first time in my life, the feeling of letting go and knowing, knowing, just knowing, that it's in Your hands. Knowing that You are the only one in the world who will not fail me. Knowing that my plans are safe with You, that I am safe with you.

This doesn't mean that I don't know where I'm going anymore or that I don't know what I want.
I know what I want for sure, it's just about how I'm going to get there.
And even after those first few days, even after praying, I still thought I had to sort all of that out.
But I see now that I don't.
Because I truly feel like He's sorting everything out for me.
I know where I'm going, and I am excited. The only thing I don't have anymore, is the worry of how I am going to get there.
Because He is there, and He will be there, every single step of the way.
And if He says step out on the water, I will fix my eyes on Him, and I will go.

Where I am

"It's late afternoon at the lake. The turtles are moving closer to shore. The surface of the water is undisturbed, an expanse of smooth, grey slate. Most of the children in my neighbourhood are called home for supper by their mothers. They open the back doors, wipe their hands on their aprons, and yell, "Willie!" or "Joe!" or "Ray!" Either that or they use a bell, bolted to the doorframe and loud enough to start the dogs barking in backyards all along the street. But I was always called home by my father, and he didn't do it in the customary way. He walked down the alley all the way to the lake. If I was close, I could hear his shoes on the gravel before he came into sight. If I was far, I would see him across the surface of the water, emerging out of shadows and into the grey light. He would stand with his hands in the pockets of the windbreaker while he looked for me. This is how he got me to come home. He always came to the place where I was before he called my name."
-- Salvation on Sand Mountain by Dennis Covington

I got this in an email, and fully agreed with the little note it included.
That this excerpt reminded me so much of how God comes down all the way to where we are before saying our name.

He doesn't scream from a million miles away or "expect us to come groveling", as my friend put it, even though He has every right to.
I loved how something as simple as that rang with such complete and utter truth that it sort of hits you and wakes you up.

And don't we all take it for granted, every single day?
We think nothing of how He comes down to meet us, and call us by name, instead of ringing bells or clanging pots and pans.

So.
I'm going to be right here, listening for Daddy's footsteps.

It seems much too long ago to remember, and,
I'm almost afraid to.

Church has never failed to be the breath of fresh air that I need.
Never

Let's have sex, and then what?

I wrote a song once. It was called,
Let's Have Sex and then What?

Throughout the song, though a tad bit stereotypical, my point was, what happens when it's all over?
When you've done the deed and smoked your cigarette,
you're going to climb out of my bed at four in the morning to go home, aren't you?

It's painful how girls fall for it all the time;
How we believe the "i love you"s and "yes, i'll love you in the morning"s.
Never got us anywhere did it?

I'm not talking about girls being okay with the emotionless sex (sexless-sex, i call it).
I'm talking about girls who still believe that surely males are not capable of going that low, saying such wonderful things just to get into your knickers.
I'm talking about girls who still hold onto the idea of sex-sex, albeit out of marriage.

I'm pulling out the plug of sex within the confines of marriage because this is a bit past that-

Someone told me that,
the key is precisely to have emotionless sex. Sex, without strings attached, because emotions screw everything up.

But I mean, seriously speaking, don't fuck buddies get a bit tired?
Knowing that, after all the body-shuddering, name-screaming, multiple-orgasmic 120 seconds, the person beside you is going to clean up, and head out the door? Possible snitching a tenner or two for the cab fare home?

It was one of the major reasons i didn't go on dating this particular girl. Even though she was really cute and hot and sweet, she was completely okay with continuing to sleep with this guy who, in my opinion, treated her like crap.
She was scarily used to him saying, "This has to be quick, i'm rushing back for a meeting."
She gave HIM excuses.
Maybe that scared me more.

How many sexless-sex nights can one go before starting to feel like a whore?
How can you fall in love, when you've downed an entire bottle of bourbon on the rocks and can barely see the face of the person you're making out with?
How can some of us be so stupid?

Vows of celibacy mean something to me.
So,
while I might not be having mind-blowing, shoulder-biting, ass-whipping sex with a random person from Zimbabwe, I have this vague idea that I'm probably happier than you.

Amazing, or at least I think so.
haha.
I should've asked you, shouldn't I, back then?
Let's have sex, and then what?
I'd have liked to hear your reply, cos i don't really think you'd be jumping out of bed to make me coffee and breakfast.

I'd rather have a sexless life, than a sexless-sex life.
Really.
Maybe you'll scoff and say that I'll take all of this back when i'm having lots of sex with random people.
I AM human, but I'm keeping my damn vow of celibacy for a damn long time darlings.


wait for it, wait for it-

















Today's speaker said that,
perhaps we think that we have an emotional need; Need for a companion (of sorts)
but maybe we'll find that, all we needed all this while, was a more intimate walk with God.

((:

Post Fifteen in my series of Seventeen

There's a tattoo that i badly want to get-
A fish (the old time symbol of Christianity) with the words
Grace -in greek- inside it.

Okay so i might not have been the best little Christian girl all my life.
Yet isn't that the entire point?

It pretty much amazes me over and over again,
how at the end of the day,
i find myself crawling all the way back.

I fall away, digress, purposefully turn away sometimes too,
and at the end of the day, there is still someone waiting at the door for me with the light on.

Believe me, i'm not just looking for things to blog about right now.
Earlier on, i read a girl's blog.
A girl who, tattooed and pierced and whatnot, had an emo moment.
We all have those moments don't we?
And then she asked if Jesus was still there.

As i read her words out, i found my eyes filling with tears and i realized with this awful pang that we are like that.
All of us.
Saying, "I don't need You, You're no help."
Facing the world alone and then coming back with our tails between our legs.

Fools

Post Ten in my series of Seventeen

Why did You hold me,
knowing that after the storm I'd leave
Knowing I'd turn around and not believe
Knowing that I would walk away all over again.
- (c) Charis Vera

And in an empty church hall, there is an old woman crying over the loss of her son, who left for University but chose to never come home.
There is a child sobbing, still believing that Daddy and Mommy will get back together one day.
There is a lost kitten, hungry and cold, curled up and dozing off below the pulpit.
A self-righteous father walks to the altar asking what made his daughter marry a girl after the godly life he has lived.
A lady sings to herself in the last pew; Of mercy and grace and peace.

And behind shadows and cobwebs, hidden from full view, he is there.
Where the light streams in through the stained glass at a perfect angle spilling light over the beam and the rope.
A blue light it is, tinged with flecks of purple, red and orange-
And it bathes him in this tiny spectrum of colors,
his toned, muscled body, streaked with blood play and stained with
"Only Jesus Can Judge Me" stretching from shoulder to shoulder.
It colors him, from his sand-colored hair to the back of his knee, in this very same blue,
closely missing the words tattooed on the back of his calf which says,
"Feel a fraction of me".

In an empty church hall, someone cried and lost, hurt and fell.
In an empty church hall, someone clambered for a way out.

In the stillness, You are there

This cannot boil down to no more than coincidence-

Yesterday's sermon meant getting sufficient rest and resting in the Lord as part of guarding your heart.
I thought about alone time and quiet time which, was also mentioned and was also so that we'd just spend time hanging out with God.

This week's (or last week's it just might be,) devozine talks about the sounds of silence and the wonders it does for you.

I was just thinking about this as i fell asleep the other night whilst praying;
That sometimes we just keep asking for things in our prayer.
For help in our work or studies or to watch over people. And that's not wrong of course, far from it.
A speaker's words came back to me that night, basically pointing out that,
1) God is not a bubblegum machine
and
2) How in the world are you gonna hear Him when all you're doing is talking?

That became important to me.
And when i don't have anything to pray about doesn't mean i don't pray.
Prayer's kinda more like a two-way conversation sometimes. It would be something to laugh at wouldn't it? if we translate some of our prayers into say, a phone conversation.
ie;
Hello,
i was really mad at my sister and she just drives me crazy sometimes though i'm glad You're around. also, help me set my priorities straight when it comes to work and studies.
BYE! (when we say Amen)
-hangs up the phone without ever getting a response.

it's funny isn't it? Not to mention strange, in any normal context. Yet i'm sure we all used to pray like that too.

Anyway,
i pretty much figured that, in prayer, sometimes i don't even need to say anything.
I guess that's why, when that question comes up, I'd say that i wouldn't ask for the gift of tongues.
Considering how much i already talk, i think it'd be just fine to shut up sometimes.

a world bigger than my own

I had the most unimaginably worst scare of my life today.
A wonder, because I've never been so distraught. Really.

Everything turned out fine in the end though, proving me to be grossly melodramatic.
Though it's not like worry was unwarranted.

Today's been a rather long day, i'm stunned that i've survived so long. At the same time, the knowledge that there are those who have to, not by choice, stay up this late working, makes me feel shallow and insignificant. haha

Speaking of which:
I loved today's sermon. It really got to me and some bits did make me cry, random bits which i hid. Uncle LyeHeng talked about guarding your heart and well, it meant something to me.
I spent a lot of prayer-blackouts and lostattention-moments with my head filled of memories and pretty words.
Then, after church, as we hung eating the ordered in KFC, Charis (Nigel's girlfriend, i can't spell her chinese name) talked about the persecution of the Karen Tribe in Myanmar/Burma.
And suddenly i realized how disgustingly insignificant and STUPID my problems were.

Try this,
we're crying over broken hearts, putting knives to our wrists.
Or we're taking our friends for granted or making it clear that it's time to move on to better things/friends.
Yet in another part of the world, not that close but not too far away either, there are mothers praying for their children and holding them tight. There are teenagers wondering if God is still there for them.
And everyday, there are people raped and killed-
Did we think we were too old for Scrabble or Monopoly or Twister?
Cos there's a game the persecutonrs play with the tribe. It involves getting the people to run across a field with mines all over them, just to watch them blow up. And even if they make it to the end, unharmed, they either get shot in the back or they're made to run back so that they WILL get blown up.

So yes,
the world is big and we are dinky. Here we are getting pissed drunk and crying and saying we're so unloved we ought to die, and yet, everyday there're people -right now at this exact moment- crying, praying, desperately pleading for one more day to live.

I got insanely pissed off with two people this evening.
Just horribly annoyed and then,
i typed all that out and got re-reminded of how miniscule the problem was, in comparison.
So there isn't a need to vent anymore, it always proves pointless.
Utterly pointless, at the end of the day.

So my day ended in laughs, and memories of both good and bad.

and even though you'll think it silly, i'm kinda still kept on edge.
believe it or not, i'm praying too. hoping you're already safe in bed

Special Secret Place

I have a special secret place.
Beautiful, tranquil and nothing less that perfect, it is an imagery in my mind and yet so incredibly vivid that i can feel the temperature each time i am there.

It is all white, and there are no walls, except a small corner where i usually find myself when I've arrived, finding myself too dirty and insignificant to be there. I'm always in rags, and younger than i am. Eventually, i always find myself crawling into the lap, seated upon the throne and everytime, I am overwhelmed with such a sense of security and safety.

I have a special secret place.
Significant only to me, untouched and unknown to the world, until today.
I come here at my lowest and at my highest,
at the peak of depression or euphoria.

Sometimes when i'm there, a rush of images come with.
Images i've seen before;
My own baby hand against my Father's,
dreams with faceless people but where i finally recognize them.

I have a special secret place,
where no one can go but me.
And it is amidst everyday chaos that i can slip into my special secret place,
and just,
breathe.

breathe-
thatmomentwillcomewon'tit,perhapsitalreadyhas.perhapsitishere,righthereinfrontofmeandi'm
staringbackatitsayingnononothiscan'tbereal.

Why're You so amazing?
Handing out blank cheques, Your salvation for free but then, not cheap?
How can there be so many answers to a single question, how can one answer be more right than another?

Will You answer this then?
It was posed to you, after all, this question i have here. This question i have, cupped in my hands and spilling out

If there is such a thing then,
give me an answer.
An answer righter than the rest

in the stillness

in the stillness i just might find You.

You, who's caught my tears in painted bottles,
counted each drop and kept them on shelves.
And won't You free me, please.

From the world and its claws,
myself and my flaws.
Save me from the vines that wrap themselves round my throat, clutching desperately like i've clawed desperately at things i knew to be meaningless.

In the stillness i just might find You.
Find You to be waiting-
At the end of the tunnel, on the edge of the water,
where there is safety, while i stand unsteadily on this creaking bridge.
Waiting for me to come to You.

When i thought You'd left me,
You only ask why i didn't follow

In the stillness i know i'll find You.
Hands outstretched to take mine,
arms strong to provide
a security i've been desperate to find.

karis

It scares me. Really, it does.

Makes me wonder if i'd ever want to, well, get into any form of relationship, of any sort.

This is a good book, clearly. Because i've been doing a lot more thinking than i otherwise would've.

Enqing says distance kills, but distance keeps you safe, to a certain extent.

Then again, what distance is there between you and that person in the mirror?

This has been a long and traumatizing week.

At the beginning of this week, someone could have died.

At the beginning of this week, new life was brought into this world.

At the end of this week, someone could have lost their life.

Won't it scare you, for me to tell you now, that each sentence refers to a different person?

I went to visit baby akira today, little shit. And i'm dropping by again in between classes tomorrow.

Dez is in the hospital too, though a different one. She had ruptured apendix for a few days and had her operation at five in the morning, this Thursday.

I was shocked, almost into depression this afternoon.

Oh, the fragility of life!

Coincidentally, i found my old speech on that topic recently.

Scares me to think, sometimes.

Hurting distance indeed.

Fool, small minded fool i was, to think oh well i should be ever so weary of relationships now shouldn't i, when in fact, it jolly well includes myself.

But of course, we're close enough to hurt ourselves.

Those voices that scream in our heads, they're actual a part of us. That's why they've got so much to use against us, to bring us down.

We're within hurting distance of ourselves.

There's no escaping anything, really.

Karis.

That's what the tattoo in the picture means dears.

Karis, equivalant to Charis, meaning

Grace.

Grace;

Like the Grace of God, saving me,

when he found me despairing.

xoxo