Beginnings of endings and endings of

How do you even begin to say goodbye,

When it feels like you haven't even finished your hellos yet?

Beginnings

This heaviness.
In the pit of my stomach. Weighing me down

Weighing me down.

I believe

You hold my world

In the palm of Your hand

Tell me

Where I went wrong
and how do I fix it?

Off days

Wish you were here
Wish we were honest
Wish we were okay
Wish there was more to us
Than this

Step 01

I am learning to get better,
To find balances, to breathe easier,
To drink my morning coffee without crying for half an hour
To sit on the empty couch without doing a double take realizing you're not there.

I am trying to get to know myself again;
Trying to listen to my body and what it needs and wants
Learning to respect it
Giving myself time to understand it better.


Mostly,
I am trying to learn to not be so sad.

"I'm gone"

But ma chérie,
What if I'm not?

Jukebox

Old songs on repeat,

Staring glassy-eyed, over the rim of my sixth glass, no, seventh,

And losing track of the beginning of my thoughts when I get to the end. 

There is hope, however little,

Of finding my footing

And happier days

And glimpses of light at the end if the tunnel

Lots of writing, dreaming

But mostly getting from one day to the next without accidentally tripping into oncoming traffic. 

Bouncing around between bad days and not-so-bad,

Somewhere between tragically sad and numb,

Looking for the next foothold to grab on to. 

But of course, in the meantime,

Before those glimpses of light come,

We find ourselves staring at the bottom of our sixth, no, seventh glass

And 

Hoping. 

Cue. 

Now playing: happy music 

Spinning in a teacup

And we're just going in circles aren't we?
Around and around and around and around
Sometimes it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere
We're just going around and around and around
Until you've spun away, I've lost your teacup
I'm in my own, alone,
Just going in circles.

Around and around and around and around