Sunday, June 27, 2010

Just in case you were wondering...

I'm seeing myself off to Phuket tomorrow evening(:
I foresee a lot of lazing about, time in the sun and where our biggest battle will be against inersia.
Can't say I'm complaining, to be honest.

And because I thought it nice for you to check out where we'll be for the next five days,
here're pictures!^^

Warning: You will likely get jealous, I'm afraid. It is quite, quite lovely.


So this is our rooftop pool.
Complete with a view(:
And random lounge-about spot. Y'know, for days, we don't feel like the pool/beach.
A nice spot for a game of chess, me thinks.

And what would a holiday be without a bar hey?

But the best bit, swear to God,
just has to be the room.

We're staying in a Studio Apartment,
so that means pretty much most living needs all in a cute little space!

And I think I spy a little window couch to the top left corner of the picture!
Oh is love!
Perfect for cosying up with a book(:

Oh and yes, complete with an outside balcony AND kitchenette.
So that the room won't smell of cooking, when we're done, and also so we can have dinners and such, outside in the evenings,
with the breeze and the view(:

I would be lying, just absolutely lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't looking forward to this.
And yes I know pictures can lie and all, and I'm trying desperately not to have too high an expectation. But at the same time, the worst I can imagine are these pretty pictures, just awfully aged and dirty.
And it still doesn't seem Godawfully bad, y'know?

I hope the trip turns out brilliantly.
I quite imagine it will actually.

Lazy days spent cosying up, the smell of coffee in the morning, sun, four-wheel drives, grocery shopping, wondering what to cook for dinner, and dinners on the balcony.
I am looking forward to it, all of it, immensely(:


I haven't really been updating.
I happened to be awfully ill the last time I blogged, and have since spent that day, battling it.
In fact, even right now, I've got the remnants of the sniffles.
It's bloody awful.

I sat on my ass for quite a bit before finally hauling my feverish self to the doctors. Got a bout of meds, and stocked up on others, and I am more or less fine and dandy now!

Soccer's been bril so far, and I have managed to stay up for two matches!
Spain and Chile was the most worth it, out of all the matches I've watched. At least I think.
They've started running together, all the matches, and aside from Spain and Chile, I can't quite remember how the others played. I quite liked the Netherlands, I think.
Anyway, Torres isn't the best of recent, I'm hoping he'll pick up and work that Liverpool magic that he always has(:
Alexis Sanchez, who plays for Chile is one dishy guy. And all of 22, yum! But Chile's out, shame that.
I'm looking forward to soccer night over pizzas and coke when I'm back from Phuket. And making pancakes in the morning too, of course. Although lets hope we keep the kitchen-destroying to a minimum. Mommy's fine with me destroying our kitchen but I think it best to leave other people's kitchen intact.

I've also had thee major meeting for and about work. And I absolutely love where and how it's going. It's upsetting that I'm missing two first classes this week, but then I think,
dinners on the balcony,
and I find myself a bit less upset. ^^

Had a performance yesterday at the Vineyard Loft, and I think it went pretty well and I'm fantabulously pleased(:
Erika brought Nick with her this time, and he didn't seem to mind it all. Neither did Kevin, who came to watch for the first time. And I'm quite pleased at the turnout(:
The family (which includes Vicky) were there, and I realize how lucky I am to have always had them around at most of my performances. Victor had to come by earlier to sort out sound, bless his heart. I'll never know what I'd do without them, any of them(:
It's the first time in five years that I've performed with the entire band. And I absolutely loved it. We're promising to do more, and truly, I hope we do before I leave<3

It's been a smashing end to an altogether lovely week.
Can't say I've minded any of it.

I crashed out today though. Just completely died and only rolled out of bed at half three in the afternoon. Personally, I thought it horrendously disgusting. But I suppose my body needed to do that. Especially after sleeping at half past four, if not five, for three out of the last four/five nights.
And I'm not really doing anything to help it actually. Rawr.
It's already 3.45am on a Monday.
I need to get bloody started with my packing, dammit.

I'd best be off then!
Breakfast with Vicky in six hours. I'm contemplating blading there.
hmmmm, now that's a thought^^

Phuket, here I cooooomeeee.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Just so long, and long enough

As Freedom Is A Breakfastfood

as freedom is a breakfastfood
or truth can live with right and wrong
or molehills are from mountains made
-long enough and just so long
will being pay the rent of seem
and genius please the talentgang
and water most encourage flame

as hatracks into peachtrees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men's hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung

or as the seeing are the blind
and robins never welcome spring
nor flatfolk prove their world is round
nor dingsters die at break of dong
and common's rare and millstones float
-long enough and just so long
tomorrow will not be too late

worms are the words but joy's the voice
down shall go which and up come who
breasts will be breasts and thighs will be thighs
deeds cannot dream what dreams can do
-time is a tree (this life one leaf)
but love is the sky and i am for you
just so long and long enough

E.E. Cummings

and I don't suppose I'd ever understood this in all its layers and entirety,
not until I met you

Teas that bitter

"Edinburgh is nice," he tells me. He'd just been, recently. And I was happy for him, truly I was.
"Don't I know it!" I laugh, pressing down on the sharp ache in my chest.
"You should totally go man!" He continues.
"Sweetheart!" I exclaim, "I lived there for most of the time that I was at home!"
My heart, it feels like it might come up my throat and choke me.
"Yeah I knowwwww," he chortles,
"But it's not like you're here right now right!"

My heart freezes, right then.
My breathing, it quickens and all I'm focused on in that span of five to ten seconds, is how much harder I'll need to press down to keep the pain inside from taking me over.

There was snow.
I remember snow.
And my fluoroscent green wool-lined wellies.
Cold noses, flushed cheeks,
a vast expanse of white that went on forever and ever and ever.

It was like a dream, my life then.
I always thought it was.
Like I wasn't really living it, like it was a dream.
"Mi, not too far!"
But I'm not listening, because it's a dream and I can go far, far away and still be safe.
Until I turn and there is a fleeting moment of panic because there's nothing else around me. And oh no, I'll get into trouble for this, surely I will,
when mommy told me not to go too far. But I didn't mean to, and I can't really be lost, can I?

And then,
"Chaaaa-res! What did I say?"
And Mommy is there, and Daddy. Mommy always said my name like that back home.
It wasn't just Charis, or Res.
She'd drag the "air" and pronounced the last bit of my name as "Res", not Ris.
Suddenly, I'm not lost anymore. And I'm not getting told off for disappearing either.
She chides me gently, so gently and with this smile like,
"Oh what will I do with you, silly girl!"
And the world,
the world is made right again.

For the most part,
I am afraid to go home.
Because all I've ever wanted is to go home.
And I'm afraid, so so afraid of going back now.
I can't.
I can't, knowing that I will have to leave. That I will merely be visiting.
That it's less coming home as it is seeing what I've missed out on,
what I will have to walk away from all over again and this time, with the knowledge that I won't be coming home again, not to live at least.

And I am afraid,
of what it will take out of me.
Because I just know that I won't be able to take it. I won't be able to leave, and I will have to.
And honestly,
I swear to God, honestly,
dying, being cut open and left to bleed would just be infinitely easier to deal with.

You don't know the half of it.
Trust me, you don't.
You don't know what it's like to sit here and know and remember and not be able to do anything about it.
You have absolutely no clue.
You don't know what it's like to wish and miss and be promised the world and never have any of it materialize.

You don't know what it's like, to spend most of your life, living like an outsider in a country that's never welcomed you. Having people say,
"Fine la. Go home to your UK la. No one understands what you're saying anyway!"
and you retorting, all of eight years old,
"I will! I'm supposed to anyways, and you'll be sorry you were mean to me!"
And then finding that the next week comes, and passes you by. And the week after that, and the week after that and the week after that.
Until it's been years, and no, you haven't left yet.

Of course,
I like the time I've spent here.
My best friends in all the world are here and I'm in love with my job and my cat.
And there's just been such a lot of things that I do appreciate and that I know I've gotten/experienced only because I was here.

But it doesn't stop me from missing home.
And it doesn't make me feel more at home here either.

And it's funny, you know.
For someone who's a huge believer in doing exactly what you want to do, in whatever will make you happy,
this is one of the two things so far that I can't do.

But you know,
at least in that second situation,
I got to say goodbye.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

as freedom is a breakfast food

Or truth can live with right and wrong

Yesterday saw me ambling out of bed in the early morning, making breakfast for mommy on top of the wraps and sarnies I was putting together for breakfast on a pretty rooftop.
I paused momentarily, mid-wrap, to stare at the torrent of rain right outside my window. I was trying to decide if the rain was foiling my plans,and I decided, although it'd be a touch easier to not walk around a rooftop garden with a brolly, there'd be a quaint sort of prettiness to it and so, nope,
The rain wasn't foiling my plans. So I skipped out of the house, the warm food kept warm and the cold food kept cold, preeeetty much on time.
And then,
Everything from then til about noon just absolutely fell to pieces.
Generally, unless I'm late for work, I don't get impossibly het up. But when I am grotesquely late like this, when I would otherwise have arrived at a nice time, I border on hysteria and frustration and am quite likely to give in to tears.

Anyhoos, the pixar exhibition was fantabulous! It was soooo impossibly lovely that I'm hoping to go back again to fully absorb it all(:
afterwhich, I had dinner at Erika's.
I must say, Aunty Vivien is one fantastically brilliant cook! The food was amazingly delish, I kid you not!
One of those where you can lean back in your chair after dinner and rub your belly and sigh contentedly.
Which of course, I did not do, lest I get mistaken for a random hobo Erika picked off the street to bring back for dins. Hahaha

It was a lovely wednesday indeed, and by the time ten past noon rolled around, I'd almost forgotten the morning.
And everything else just fell into place(:

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

sappy stuff and the like

That you and me,
Found something pretty neat.
And it's a good excuse,
That I'd like to use
Baby I know what to do,
Baby I-
I'll love you, love you
I will love you

The weekend was a terribly interesting one indeed-
It started with my baby beau hitting her last year as a teenager. She's all grown up now, but no less of herself than she was when we first met.
I love that about her.
And I figure it's not the last birthday I'll spend with her.
And I love knowing that^^
So when we're 91, we'll muck about like we always have except instead of cutting lovely chocolate cakes, we'll have a grammy-version of birthday cakes.
Perhaps some mashed banana sorta mush shaped in a cake for us and our toothlessness(:
I love you vicky<3

D and michelle have flown off home,
And I'm glas that when I said goodbye this weekend, I said it with the knowledge that I'll likely see them again soon.

Chris Lee's much awaited wedding rolled around and it was a lovely affair.
The timing of it, sort of how I'd imagine I'd like mine to be-
The solemnization being during the whole hooha of dinner and such.
It was a nice dinner, and the company counted for a lot-
My dinner date as well as the other folks at the table.
Allyson looked absolutely stunning in both dresses, and Chris was a far cry from those grooms who just appear to be the brides' evening accessory in place of a sparkly handbag(:
I'm happy for them, very much indeed^^

T spent the night, and despite having plans for our Monday, we ended up spending it being complete slobs instead.
I seem to have a terrible habit of making even the most productive of people terribly hobo-like. Might just have to add that to my list of mutant powers now!

Post face-stuffing with copious amounts of chocolate at Max Brenners (maman and little creature, I will pick a day to bring you both there^^) saw me grabbing burgers with ohana- first proper proper meal of the day.
They went off on their mommy-little amoeba date while I caught Japan vs Cameroon.
It was an interesting match largely because of the conversation during the match.
We spent a lot of it deciding what the citizens of cameroon should be called.
I've gotten it down to Cameroonians or People Of Cameroon (who I will affectionately refer to as POCs)

There's been talk about flying to krabi or bali. I'd quite like that^^
Seems like my June will be less of looking for a summer temp job as it will be just laying about and enjoying it for all its worth!
I don't mind that idea in the least(:

Smokes have lost that take on me of recent, well, since saturday.
And for that I am grateful because I've missed my blading and muay thai and the way my body just desperately wanted fruits and veggies aaaaaall the time.
It's refreshing(:

So I've got a meeting later that I'm very much looking forward to.
I'd like to see what Nora has planned, and how I can be a part of it. I'm in love with work and the people and just what I do and get to do in general.
Sooooo ^^

In the meantime, the shower is screaming my name and so is Buttons and her need for a shower.
Filthy little maomao!

So until then,

Friday, June 11, 2010

And so the week, it started in the quietest of ways.
And then it got terribly teary, what with the self-indulgent moments with pen, paper and a couple of doses of- don't hold your breath now-

But then it got better.
And in every possible way

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

And then it's the eighth, and it's a Tuesday

and I am falling apart

Like the walls might close in,
Like it's impossible to breathe,
Like if I spin around, I'd hit myself smack in the face with a reflection that's got crack lines all over it.

I don't quite fancy these spells of time that I get where I'm trying so desperately to run away,
only to find that you can't get away from yourself without tripping over your shadow.

I had a lovely time yesterday, I did. And it took me far enough away from the world.
But now, left shoulder blade stiff and a tummy full of koko krunch and bananas, all I'm thinking about is running away again.

Except, I've never thought of myself as the running-away sort. I'm not.
And what am I running away from anyways?
I suppose, what I mean to say, is that I need to get away.
Not necessarily run away but,
everything feels so very stifling at the moment.
I'm half afraid that if I don't catch myself in time, that I might just random smack a random child on the back of his head just because he said "tewshun" instead of "too-wi-shun" (tuition).

And I am fidgety.
I miss Muay Thai so much.
And it rained today so I can't blade without feeling like I might die.

I will be okay though, I must.
Because there's quiet time and all these things to do.
And I'm not distracting myself, and I love that I don't distract myself from the mess.
Instead, I go sit right in the middle of it all until it sorts itself out.

Time to take out the brushes and paints.
I've always loved doing that.

Sometimes I wish that the people close made it a tiny bit easier.
And I hate that I've just typed that or that I'm even thinking that.

But every second thing feels like it might break me.
I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams and oh,
just please don't look at me right now.
Because I'd turn out to be a frightful, frightful mess.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


then I hear your voice,
And I find myself smiling

Saturday, June 5, 2010

just kind of enough, at least for the people who matter

It's funny.
I wasn't actually very busy today-
A lunch appointment and the Night Safari later on.
So I had my afternoon pretty much free for the taking and I wanted to spend it with the family. Because well, I like doing that.
And it wasn't really anyone's fault that we were massively indecisive and unclear of the would-be plans.

It's just that being clear and honest ended up with finding out that sometimes, for some people, it's a case of all or nothing. And that there are just some who don't like feeling like all they've got are snippets of time.
It's not anyone's fault to be honest, some people can deal with that and some people can't. I suppose it's just unfortunate that that basically means that sometimes all you've got to give someone, isn't enough and won't ever be.
But it's not like you can force it down people's throats and have it be enough for them.
Have yourself be enough for them. You can't.

So you just write about it instead,
And wish you were

Friday, June 4, 2010

tout à vous

I realized I've barely blogged since coming back from Hong Kong.
It's frightfully odd that, considering how much I write.
All these techhy things these days! Kym, he doesn't give me a reason to turn Kirsten on anymore!
(Don't I just make the loveliest excuses! hehe)

This was sunset at Tampines on Tuesday, with Vicky, as we raced off after watching Sex in the City 2.
It was, I'll have you know, my very first time watching Sex in the City, but I quite liked it and it wasn't as frivolous or as chick-flick-ish as I thought it'd be. Best of all, it was not cheesy.
It wasn't like, lovers splitting up and ending up together and what not.
It was just pure, laugh out loud, stupid, touching, bits and pieces, OMG-BABE-THAT-IS-SO-US-moments. Oddly enough, I found myself talking a bit during the movie.
But it was thaaat funny.
And i applauded like crazy when whatsherface (I don't even remember any names!) found herself in a crowd of religious men with her broken handbag and it's scattered contents of lots and lots and LOTS of condoms.

My days, they've been going quite nicely. It's been about a week and a half since I've been back and it's quite marvellous really.
I've tidied up the room, and finally, after fuck-long, I've moved the bed back to where it used to be. Where it was supposed to be.
Where it's always meant to be(:

I've got a new addition to my room too!
And because sometimes it's not nice to just go on and on and on and ooooon about well,
all the lovely things that happen in life, I will keep quiet for a bit(:

These nineteen bottles do not include the six mommy bought the week before(:
Each wine cooler holds 12 bottles.
I've got a stash in my room and mommy will have her wine cooler outside once the kitchen decided to magically give birth to elves that will help us clean up the place(:

I've had lovely catch-up time with Vee (although I wouldn't mind some more, honestly), a movie, a tiny bit of water time, beanbag & parquet floor + chess -time, family dinners (and two nights in a row too! :) ), pool time with Vee and Tanny, hobo-breakfast time which I find I have missed immensely and a bit of cuddle-time.
So all's been quite well, and I haven't minded it one bit really.
Despite having some of my 12-year-old ah lian language being read and all. Oh the horror!
Suffice to say, Charis Vera Ng has been quite, quite happy indeed!

and so,
there's been a few things we've been talking about of recent.
I've liked it, enjoyed it,
appreciated it- I think that's the best word I can come up with.
It's stirred up a couple of things I'd forgotten about or hadn't realized. Made me put to words, things I'd just mentally nodded my head at a few years back. And it's been nice.
The randomness of what we talk about, and then the unexpected depth (not because we're shallow but because sometimes you don't see it becoming so thinky-thinky) that's come with it all.

I realize that there's just so many things we seem able to talk about that it's incredibly refreshing.
Not only because we get to talk about the oddest, simplest, strangest things, but also because I find that I really like listening to all of it, and I also feel like the person on the receiving end of my natter isn't just about dying. It's nice because I can say something completely random and considerably weird/strange and not just have someone go,

I like it, I really do.

It's a shame, an impossibly huge shame at that, about the months that will swing round the corner and then eventully see me off.
But I'm not entirely a huge fan of being super thinky-thinky at three in the morning,
so I will take my leave-

and smile at the traces of you that you've left behind