And She Said

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

Stories whispered against your skin
and I love yous that bruise your arms
The pretties pictures drawn in the sand
and letters you send to the stars

Now I know dreams are just for dreaming
We forget the tunes to the songs
we wrote
Pictures weren't always meant for keeping
and there's a cold you can feel
in your bones

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

Quiet secrets beside still waters
Boxes we thought we had closed
tear-stained pages, in empty chapels
but with the knowing you're not on your own

Now I know dreams are just for dreaming
But don't let me forget
all the songs I will write
Leave me pictures good for framing
and at the end of the day
come back home

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

(C) May 2013

_______________________________________________________________________

You can write things a long time ago and then come back to it months, even years after to find that they still hold true. That there are some things that you still feel the same way about, even if they're slightly different things from an experience prior.
Just that maybe, the difference is that one is a little better equipped to deal with how one feels.
And that always helps.

Or.
You can write things that start off being about one person and then it turns out to be about another.
In fact, it's almost like, as you write, you realise you've discovered more about people you didn't even know you were writing about.

And then, sometimes, it's a mixture of all those things.
Sometimes it's about you, sometimes about her, and sometimes it's about someone completely outside of your own world.
Maybe that's the draw of writing- that lines of songs fleshed out with tunes can mean different things to (or for) different people, and that you can keep coming back to it and find something new.
For yourself, or y'know, someone else.

_________________________________________________________________________

now,

Don't make her a promise
that you'll only break

1984

It was a only an 'opeless fancy,
It passed like an Ipril dye ,
But a look an 'a word an' a dreams they stirred
They 'ave stolen my 'eart awye!"

Are partings better when they're sweet, because you left bitter
Or bitter, because you left sweet?

I've run out

There are things I will learn to get used to.
That I will have to get used to.

Like on nights like these, for instance-
That when duty calls then,
Well, duty calls.

But there are parts of you I hope for, wish for...
That I hate myself for waiting for.
Because i have learnt that hoping will always leave you just that little bit sadder than you can brace yourself.


And i chide myself, bring myself back to how it's not your fault, not your doing.
And it isn't.

So all I'm left with is the job of packing our blanks into boxes.


And missing you.

Now look what you've done

Wait,
Hold up.

Did I just wait months for you to come back, only to have you leave?





Smart move Charis. Smart move.
Your brilliance is absolutely astounding.

On the other side of the glass

It's funny.

I had only just started relearning what us being okay felt like.

Only just.


______________________________

So then, where do I stand?

Coming home

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
You force yourself into various preoccupations to keep you from addressing that niggling feeling at the back of your mind, or you wander about an empty apartment at midday, drink in hand and wonder when it got to be like this.
And it's not that you need things to stay exactly the same as when it first started, it just becomes quite apparent how far away you've both come from that time and space.
At it's worst, you figure the novelty of the other person having you might possibly have worn off. Or that you're less interesting, or at least, a lot of other things have become more interesting.

Mostly though, you hope this won't last.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
And realising that you don't actually have to be physically apart to miss them; That there are a myriad of things that can come between you and, it sure as hell feels like the ocean.
There's also realising that you can try, both of you can, but it doesn't always quell the other's absence. Which of course, in itself is frustrating because, sometimes,
you get tired of trying. Or not feeling like that's enough.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
To find that maybe, she missed you too. That the empty spaces you've left between your words for so long, can still be filled now. That there is such familiarity in what you thought had become less familiar.
That even though you've been waiting up and the tea's gone cold, at the end of the day,
she still came home to you.
And she's always going to be worth wait.
Always.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
And waking up, to find her curled around you..
Like she never left.

The spotless mind

I like that I write. It helps me remember. But sometimes, even with writing, I forget.

Maybe one's brain blocks things out to keep you safe.. But then there's that thing where- even if you don't remember, your subconscious does and your body most certainly does.
The way I sometimes flinch at something you say, or recoil at a certain touch; it's not you- It's some part of me reacting to something similar that's happened before or something.

There are some things that have happened that we don't remember, but that's locked away in our bodies instead.
There are some things I don't remember. And i remember only when I pour through page after page after tear-stained page of old writings. It is then that I begin to see and trace back and understand myself a little better. And I am grateful I wrote when I did.


And then there is you, now.
Babe,
I want to remember. My god, I do.
The way we picked out faucets for a home we didn't have and chose cars based on the number of kids who weren't yet on the way.
The way we'd fall asleep on grass in the middle of the day, or polish off a bottle of wine with our roast chicken.
The way you taught me the sound of a smile and the finding of calm in the evenness of someone's breathing.

There are so many things that feel like they've just happened yesterday... So many things that feel like we're still in that unrooted, hazy, dreamy state we first started out in. And that's what's extra exciting.

I want to remember-
You and us and all the things I've felt when I'm with you.

And if I start to forget...
If the humdrum of our lives get to us, and our workaholism gets the better of us to the point missing each other becomes a familiar dull throb somewhere inside that we stop paying attention to,
That I, stop paying attention to-
Help me remember then, won't you?

Because there might come things I'll grow tired of feeling, things we bring up wearily because we've gone over them before and it's not getting better. There are aches we might get used to and an absence we might learn to live with albeit with spoonfuls of resentment to taste.
But I am always going to want to remember everything that came before. Promise I am.

So please,
Say you won't let me forget?

Love, The Invisible Girl

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me i'm falling

Losing myself in the air

Catch me I'm falling

Don't leave me crawling

Catch me and show me you care

Catch me I'm falling

Please hear me calling

Catch me before it's too late

Catch me before it's too late

Chilly air and big plans for crisps, couches and naps

I miss this.

Maybe, Baby

I hope you know,
You've always been my everything.
And you would've been surrounded by people who couldn't possibly love you more.

I might not have been able to promise you a lot..
But I promise I would've loved you wholly, fiercely.
The way I have since the first day I knew about you.

Spent

Because I'm all yours anyway. 

_____________________________

You don't have to say you love me

Just be close at hand

You don't have to stay forever

I will understand

Believe me,

Believe me

I love you but I'll never tie you down

_______________________________

There should be fewer Fridays that leave you in tearful messes by noon. 

_______________________________

Here's a possibility:

What if...

I've just been needing someone too?

Que sera sera

Tuesday afternoon, after teaching the most amazing learning-needs class in the entire term combined, I found myself stopping off in King Albert Park's Cold Storage.
It was just to pick up a couple of things for baking later on, and it was a pretty quick trip. But as I smiled at the cashier and made off with fresh blueberries and such, I thought-
This is the kind of mother I want to be.

I want to be able to work as much and as long as I need to, but also have days where I can fill my home with the smell of recipes I may or may not be the most confident about.

I want to hear my children tripping over themselves as they scramble through the front door and have them know there'll be Paleo Banana bread still warm from the oven that'll be waiting for them when they're put the shower.

And I want you home in time for dinner, sneaking me a kiss just before. To have you frowning at me the way you do when you find I've spent the afternoon baking/ cleaning/ painting instead of catching up on rest. To have you look at me incredulously and ask why I'm baking low-carb high fat desserts, and to navigate away from a possible argument by asking if you can switch the music in the player.

Until tomorrow.

Sometimes it feels like there isn't room for mistakes. 

And sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder how long I've spent feeling like that. Being afraid. 

Feeling like I'm half sentences, running my bare feet against the edges of rocky cliffs. 

I wonder how it is that I miss you,

Before you've even left.

_____________________________

You never saw how far the crack had opened

You never knew I had run out of rope. 

______________________________

Don't you ever think, my darling,

That there are far too many times we've let the sun set on us feeling like this?

On the subject of Forevers...

Well I suppose, sometimes, you just...know.
And when you get there, if you get there, there isn't any denying it-
You figure, you know what you want and what you want is the person standing in front of you. And you want them for... Well, forever really.

And for some people it's just a... Natural progression. It's the next step forward and so it makes sense.
For some others who've spent ages getting all the fun they can out of life, they find themselves drawn to finally settling down.
And all that is... well it's pretty something, isn't it? This whole choosing-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with-someone is always pretty something.
To me it is.
It's always been.


And if you ask me...
(And it's been asked in various ways this evening, speaking of which)
Do I believe in marriage?
Yeah.
Maybe not the concept of "The One" but...
I believe in someone being right for you, I believe in timing being a very important player and I believe in trying very hard to make things work.
I believe in being on the same page and wanting the same things, and working towards certain goals. I believe in growing together, changing together... And wanting that to happen.
I believe in finding someone who things fit with, who things fall into place with.

Which also leaves me afraid.
I'm afraid that it might be true-
That if someone says they're not the marrying sort, that they'll never be the marrying sort. And that if someone says they'll never want kids, that they'll never wake up one day and want kids.

I'm afraid we're always going to say,
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there..." Except we'll realize, a long way down, that we came up to the same fucking bridge a few fucking times and then just steered ourselves away from it instead.

I'm afraid of...
Waking up one day and wondering if we really are on the same page. Or realizing we're not.
And then...
And then what? What then?

When you love someone so much, so fully and so wholly,
When you've poured yourself into something you wanted to be in for the long run,
When this person you wake up to in the morning is everything you've ever needed and ever wanted...
What happens the morning that you wake up and realize that you're actually on different pages?

But then, like a car careening to the edge of a cliff, I stop short just a breath away, reel myself back and think...
I'm really not quite there yet, in any case, am I?
Sure, settling down at some point sounds nice but certainly not right now.
Someone else could say "Yes" right now but, no, not me. I couldn't.
And that's okay, really.
It is.


I guess it's just that there's a little part of me that, on top of the other things I'm afraid of, is wondering if I'll ever be the girl someone looks at and thinks,
"I couldn't possibly do the rest of my life without her."

Wishes on fallen eyelashes

I cannot answer their questions about forevers, or whether I'm ready to spend the next decade in a given country. I can't tell you how I'll work it out, or what will happen to all the pictures I've dreamed up.


But I do know I want to be with you.
That I want our home to be filled with music and the smell of something in the oven. That I want to come through the front door and get annoyed that you forgot to defrost tonight's dinner.

And I'm not saying that wanting it is enough to make it happen, it's not.
But at least for right now, I just want to sit here and want these things,
and not think about how close or how far out of reach they are.

Band-aids

So instead, I spent last night having a tearful conversation with you.
Except it was all in my head.

Because then I get to be honest, without feeling like I'm saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

Without feeling like I'm wrong, period.

Oh the way pretty places capture your heart

So let's be quite honest here, I rarely put up these sorts of long, picture-filled posts. But I figured, this was a pretty eventful trip! So i weeded out the more fun, more picturesque ones, and thought I'd share them.

In the spirit of being honest, here's a confession-

I've got a soft spot for Perth.

Quite without meaning to, i fell in love and took absolute ages to recover. And then for a while there was the dreaming up pretty things, and looking up possibilities, but mostly, there was this holiday coming at us. And one we had planned for and looked forward to for absolute ages.

I often try to keep myself from being too excited and only succeed in failing miserably.

But anyway, it was quite a lovely, productive trip, and these are all the bits that don't involve me hiding in a bathroom and crying myself stupid.

I'm not saying it happened a lot, but what would holidays be without a couple of those, hey? I think one ends up happier, if one remembers to be sad every so often.

(cue wry laugh).

But enough of my inane nattering! Here are pictures (lots of them) and summaries of our time spent away-

 This is us, on the plane, and ready for take off!

 And the sight we were greeted with, upon arrival at Uncle Adrian's and Aunty Freida's.

and then, it was, GOOD MORNING COTTESLOE.

Easily one of the most beautiful mornings to wake up to. Sometimes I wake up now and am puzzled at how I don't feel cold. Or how I'm not smiling quietly to myself as I watch the sun peek out from rooftops.

 We had a wander-about. (How couldn't we?)
But just for a bit. So that we could come back in time foooooor-

 Aunty Freida's cooking. Which is pretty something, I must say. Not like we didn't already know this. But this time round it was like,
HELLO I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I AM BEING SPOILT.

That evening...

 We went to Sharon's where we hung out, talked and cuddled on the couch with
Tigger.

The next day, we headed into the city for our pancake fix-

Where we stuffed our faces, poked around in shops (can you tell we're not city people?) and headed off to meet Michelle and Talani.

Being us though, we had to find an empty playground, fiddle with the lock and go hang out on the swings for a bit.

After which, we  made juice with Michelle's new blender, waited til five to open a bottle of wine, and headed home for more good food. 

 


Then.
We left for Melbourne.
Now. Here's the thing.
I wasn't aware of the two hour time difference, and figured we could spend the six hours on the plane sleeping. Except of course it wasn't six hours, it was much shorter.
SO.
We turned up in Melbourne, in the wee hours of the morning, amazingly sleep-deprived, and settled for first breakfast

 in our half-asleep state, before we met up with Bird (my bestest friend in theeee whole wideeee world), who woke up early for nomnoms with us.

Having needed to go off to study for exams though, she left us to go wandering about Victoria Market after brunch/ second brekkie

Where we bought a couple of things, saw lovely buys, shopped for groceries for the following night's dinner, and then walked back quickly so that we could crash out and fall asleep.

I can't say we saw a lot of Melbourne, which was a bit of a shame. But then again, we got to hang out and didn't rush around in an effort to see more of the place so... that was really okay with me, to be honest.


We went out that evening for

crepe.
In a little tucked away place, that Melbourne seems absolutely full of.
Here's a tip if you're ever heading to Melbourne-
hook up with a local, because there are heaps of lovely little places like this one to go sit in. And there're places you wouldn't find, if not for someone who knows the nooks and crannies of the city.

Erika found a place, made just for her though!

 Here, we grabbed a chilli dog for first brekkie while out on the search for second brekkie before meeting Erika's cousin.

Then we found second brekkie. This is Erika's "hmmm, which one of these many things shall I have!"- face.

 And then, the above picture is just proof we hung out with Bird, despite her needing to go study for papers.
We had her over for Blue cheese and Gnocchi. It was yum- thanks to my favourite little chef(:


Quite quickly, we packed up out of our little one-bedroom apartment and headed off for Erika's riding lesson in Oakwood.

SO. On the coldest Melbourne Winter Morn in ten years, we walked across the road to pick up the car, faced appalling service, said nothing of it because we were too cold, too calm, too asian and too fucking cold, got a free upgrade, climbed into a Ford Focus and embarked on our journey to Oakwood.
All the while deciding that Melbourne might not be the place to be.

That is of course, until we hit this part of the drive-

 (:


After a long, long, long, long time (just kidding- it wasn't really aaaall that long),
we hit a dirt road.
Now.
I had been warned by Katie not to take dirt roads with Erika because the last time they went on one, they thought they would die.

But on one we went!

With this face-

 During which I texted Uncle Ronnie and said,
"I think your daughter is trying to sell me. I don't know how many cows I'll get, considering I'm Asian."

To which he replied,
"a small herd! Especially once they find out you can make lasagna and all!"


But, the bumpy road did lead us to Oakwood-

 Where Erika road, after about a month, in the freezing cold, and I hung out with Mini, the cat who looked like I owed it to him to let him cuddle on my lap.

It was nice, seeing Erika ride. Especially because I haven't in a while. I wondered how she was coping in the cold. (She told me she felt like passing out.) But well, from the stands at least, it sounded nice- a different sort of nice than what one is used to (at least from where I was.)

After Erika's ride,
we decided to go be tourists and went to Olinda Falls.
It was the most beautiful, scenic drive I've ever been on. Absolutely gorgeous.

 To end up here-

 Down winding roads, to Olinda Falls.
Where it was quiet and beautiful and picturesque and...
I give up. My words aren't doing it justice.

But it sure was beautiful.


After which we drove to Monash to go pick Bird up from her last exam (WHICH SHE PASSED! I AM SO SO PROUD OF HER OKAY!)

 This is the racecourse.
Dude, if I had my exams here, I don't know how I'd ever freaking pass.

And that concluded our few days in Melbourne.
How exactly that trip ended could have been much better, but let's not go into that right now.

Soon,
we were back in lovely Perth where it was a little less cold, a little less city-like, and lot more at-home.

We decided after that, to have date-night and take a walk on Cottesloe Beach(:

(:

__________________________________________________

  Our first meal after Melbourne was Dim sum with Aunty Freida, Uncle Adrian and a friend in Northbridge.
As it turns out, Northbridge during the day looks quite different from at night.






The weekend that followed Melbourne, we took a trip to The Hillary's with Michelle, Talani and Karen.

 

 We also had Churros for dessert!

 And pretty as they are, who needs dream catchers when everything around you looks and feels like this?(:





We woke up the next morning to a Sunday that looked like this-

 pfffft.
And people ask me why I'm so in love with Perth!

Anyway, aside from going place to place, meeting with people and thinking about work, most of the rest of our holiday looked like this-

 hanging out in pretty little cafes with the paper, an affogato for myself and a cappuccino for her

or hanging out on the couch napping, playing word games, reading scripts and  being comfy.

taking in the prettiest looking places

hanging out with Lola

Popping into FreO for coffee

and more affogato

and chilli mussels + fish and chips

and taking in even prettier sights

_____________________________________________________

 The Wednesday before we left though,
I got to go to the concert of the one person I knew I'd always wanted to go for.

P!nk's The Truth About Love Tour was in town, and although (I'm ashamed to say), it did take a bit of convincing, I went.

I couldn't have possibly be prepared for how spectacular it was. And here's to all P!nk fans- if you're thinking about going to see her, don't think.
Just go for it.

Believe me, it is so, so, SO SO SO worth it!

 Yep!
Luckiest girl ever.

Our last night?
Hanging out with Lola, Uncle Adrian and Aunty Freida + eating good home-cooked food
+ sprawling on the couch playing word games
+ going to bed at 8:36pm.

It's official.

Luckiest girl ever(: