Friday, August 16, 2013

On the subject of Forevers...

Well I suppose, sometimes, you just...know.
And when you get there, if you get there, there isn't any denying it-
You figure, you know what you want and what you want is the person standing in front of you. And you want them for... Well, forever really.

And for some people it's just a... Natural progression. It's the next step forward and so it makes sense.
For some others who've spent ages getting all the fun they can out of life, they find themselves drawn to finally settling down.
And all that is... well it's pretty something, isn't it? This whole choosing-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with-someone is always pretty something.
To me it is.
It's always been.

And if you ask me...
(And it's been asked in various ways this evening, speaking of which)
Do I believe in marriage?
Maybe not the concept of "The One" but...
I believe in someone being right for you, I believe in timing being a very important player and I believe in trying very hard to make things work.
I believe in being on the same page and wanting the same things, and working towards certain goals. I believe in growing together, changing together... And wanting that to happen.
I believe in finding someone who things fit with, who things fall into place with.

Which also leaves me afraid.
I'm afraid that it might be true-
That if someone says they're not the marrying sort, that they'll never be the marrying sort. And that if someone says they'll never want kids, that they'll never wake up one day and want kids.

I'm afraid we're always going to say,
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there..." Except we'll realize, a long way down, that we came up to the same fucking bridge a few fucking times and then just steered ourselves away from it instead.

I'm afraid of...
Waking up one day and wondering if we really are on the same page. Or realizing we're not.
And then...
And then what? What then?

When you love someone so much, so fully and so wholly,
When you've poured yourself into something you wanted to be in for the long run,
When this person you wake up to in the morning is everything you've ever needed and ever wanted...
What happens the morning that you wake up and realize that you're actually on different pages?

But then, like a car careening to the edge of a cliff, I stop short just a breath away, reel myself back and think...
I'm really not quite there yet, in any case, am I?
Sure, settling down at some point sounds nice but certainly not right now.
Someone else could say "Yes" right now but, no, not me. I couldn't.
And that's okay, really.
It is.

I guess it's just that there's a little part of me that, on top of the other things I'm afraid of, is wondering if I'll ever be the girl someone looks at and thinks,
"I couldn't possibly do the rest of my life without her."

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