Dear You,

Maybe it's much
Too early in the game
Aah, but I thought
I'd ask you just the same

What are you doing New Year's
New Year's eve?

Wonder whose arms
Will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly
Twelve o'clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year's eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of a thousand invitations
You received
Aah, but in case
I stand one little chance
Here comes
The jackpot question in advance

What are you doing New Year's?
New Year's Eve?

Cause if you hadn't found me,

So long you've been running in circles
'Round what's at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place

I would've found you

On inhale draw your hands upward,

On exhale lean your body to your right.
Drop your right arm.
Breathe breathe breathebreathebreathe.
Charis, please don't stop breathing

Rolling in three

Scene One take one. Speed, mark it-
I'm a bundle of nerves right now. It's like my heart's rattling about, bouncing of bones and just.

Scene One take two. Speed, mark it-
I'm a bundle of nerves.
Breathe.
But I'll pull through. Don't I always?

Game face
But I can do this, I can. I always have.

rocky roads

Jessica Savitch once said, "No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one."

And to this, I say, No. No you don't.

I have spent too long finding that no matter how hard you push yourself, no matter how far you have come, there is still more that you can do. There is still that much better you can be. There is still so much that you haven't achieved yet. There is still so much space between you and being enough.

I'm sure she didn't mean to say don't acknowledge your achievements. In fact, I'm sure lots of people who live by this rule don't mean to say you haven't come a long way. But constantly reaching for higher goals is not going to make one happy, not when you spend so little time being glad at what you've done and what you've got.

There's a huge difference between being unmotivated and satisfied, a huge difference between being content and settling for less. At the end of the day, isn't it about what makes you happy?

If you're not happy where you are, whether in terms of career or social life or weight, then figure out why and then do something about it. But also, learn to stop for a minute and take it all in.

It's funny, what a fine balance it is.

I guess coming from where I do, it's just painful knowing how many there are out there who hinge their self worth on their success or lack thereof.

Yea, yeah, I get it. Keep your head up, your eyes on the goal, keep pushing for more. But some people get all the way there and find they want to backtrack. Or they get all the way there and find that there's no where else to go. And what happens then? Do you stop and feel sad and unmotivated?

Sure, I mean, there's always that bit more you could've done. Always. But if it's something one lives by, I just think you end up going through life not being quite satisfied with what you have. And that's almost as bad as not being satisfied and being highly unmotivated to do anything about it.

I'm tired, mostly. Of this constant feeling like, even if you set yourself realistic finishing lines, there's always one more coming up that you could reach.

I liken all of this to my running-

I don't have a specific stop point, whether in time or in distance. In fact, to be honest, because I hardly use a jogging track, I don't bloody know how far I've run. My only gauge is time.

Whenever I say, "This is a fifteen minute run," I find that I hang on to that, resenting my run and just looking forward to the end point. And I either collapse inches away from that end point or I am cruel and say, "A little bit more. Right up to that pillar, that tree, that fire hydrant."

But on days that I have time and just say, "I'm going for a run" with no beginning or end point, I run longer, farther, sometimes faster. And I am happy.

I think that counts for more- whether that run turns out fifteen minutes or fifty. Because I didn't build myself up to let myself down. I just did what I felt like.

And a lot of times, that's actually okay.

If I could have one wish, if I could have some say

Because you find half of yourself that is carved by expectations, society's ideas of beauty and the world and their reasons.
And then the other half of you is left floating.
Floating in a way that almost makes you uncomfortable. Floating in a way that makes you scared of the way you fall against a girl's skin and realize that her breath gives you rest.
Floating in a way that only roots you in the way it's unfamiliar- nice, but unfamiliar.

Maybe, could you just, hold me.

I

am really sad tonight.

and nothing's helped, everything's just made me feel like crying. I didn't wake up too bad today you know. And I had dim sum with my family. And it was all really nice. And I ran errands. I got Christmas presents. I had dinner.

and I got to talk, a little bit. Got to, for the first time, say out loud what's been on my mind. At least the idea of it. And watch my breathe form like crystals above my bowl of ramen and dissolve and I keep talking keep talking keep talking

No, not about what I need to talk about but instead talk about what needs to be talked about and then I find I can't

wrong

why am I all wrong

and then I'm breaking but I don't break and I fix myself because I can

and I stand up and walk because I can and so we walk around picking up things that need to be picked up and I am normal and I don't understand that buzz of a feeling inside my chest and so I push it away

and we laugh about things there are to laugh at and go home

and I begin to tell you what I realize is that buzz that's grown into an incessant whirr in my chest in my ears and behind my eyes and I tell you I tell you

but we're worried about all the wrong things

and then I go outside to talk to my mother

wrong

wrong again

I'm all wrong why am I all wrong

and then I'm breaking but I don't break. I fix myself because I can

and I come back in

but I can't

and i'm breaking, breaking apart

I hate dial tones

there's so much wrong that I don't know what's wrong anymore

and I wish I wasn't so alone

I can't breathe

I can't

I'm breaking

fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK

WON'T THIS JUST FUCKING STOP

I can't

I can't anymore

can't keep myself together

can't quell this ache that's branched out from a seed I didn't know was there

can't breathe

can't

I just can't

anymore

diamonds in a packet

face pieced together to hide

empty eyes, empty bones, empty soul

feet cold, wrists tired from holding up glass bowls

because it doesn't break, doesn't break when it's smoke

doesn't bruise when it gives you breath

tempts you with sanity instead

and oh, these beautiful promises

wrapping themselves around your fingers, uncurling themselves in your lungs and filling you

when there isn't anymore of you left to lose

too young to find something that hurt more than falling asleep on broken glass

euphoria shaped in a name that left too many scars

you could love her. Love her as her skin starts breaking

try to save her as the wind steals away fragments

as she crumbles, laughing

screaming as she races against the world, desperate to fly

face pieced together to hide

empty eyes, empty bones, empty soul

feet cold, wrists tired from holding up glass bowls

because it doesn't break, doesn't break, doesn't break-

when it's smoke

and she cannot break, cannot break, cannot break

when she already broke

Aren't I allowed to be sad?

So I've been sad, the last couple of days. And occasionally annoyed, irritable, angry.

A lot of times though, I feel like I'm breaking.

And here's the thing-

Yes, I believe and Yes, I know my God will see me through a whole lot of things. But I'm getting tired of replies or suggestions or comments that make it sound like I don't know He's there for me or that I am saved or that anything.

This has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with the fact that I am sad as fuck and have found myself crying in bed before I fall asleep two nights in a row.

This has nothing to do with unbelief and everything to do with having a space that I cannot fill and an ache that I cannot soothe. And don't you dare tell me that God will fill this space either. God will do a lot of things for me and He has done a lot of things for me, but I'm bloody allowed to have things that I can be upset about.

Sometimes, some people feel sad and broken too okay?

So just let me feel sad and broken up and shitty.

This is difficult since I've stopped drinking my calories but

I am uncharacteristically sad tonight.

Just like a star across my sky

Corinne Bailey Rae (and Corinne May too actually) reminds me Enqing.
Reminds me of Christmases with short hair and scarves even though I was here, and strutting about town and taking turns to pout for his camera.
Reminds me of being sixteen and free and happy and writing and a at the doorway to the world of possibilities.

And now that I'm writing about it-
Corinne May reminds of being fifteen, meeting Enqing for the first time and being comfortable and sane and safe amongst people similar to me and getting lost in the rehearsals and the singing and the being.

And you, you kept me safe, in a crazy world.

Christmas Wishlist 2011

This year, I discovered the joy of giving people shopping vouchers. Because it's safe and functional and really, really helpful! At the same time of course, upon further discussion with Bird, I realized that, even though one doesn't mean it to be, it miiiight come across insincere.

Oh Christmas.

I mean, I really love it. And I love buying presents for people, and picking it out and picking out the perfectest gift. But it almost feels like I've got a deadline! And then people ask, "Well what do you want for Christmas?" And there are things that I want but that are a)too pricey and I wouldn't (honest, swear to God) want someone to get it for me or b) it would be something that I'd like to pick up by myself/for myself. Because, I don't really need anything, y'know what I mean?

But anyway, to make lives easier!

If you'd much prefer to get me something that you know I'd want and would use, here's a list:

1)A quilt cover set-

I got my single-sized quilt from Ikea and haven't checked if Metro has any quilt-covers but I know Ikea has a couple that I like. I've got one set in shades of red and one in black and grey.

I like darker, deeper colours or just plain white with texture. I'm not a fan of flowers or lots of patterns (despite some being quite cute).

2)There's a new scent from Burberry that I've been eyeing called Burberry Body.

But this is one of those presents I'd very much rather people NOT buy for me. Honestly, please.

3) I really like notebooks with blank pages. I'm not kidding, I really do. You can keep them forever and draw and write and paste things and. I like notebooks with blank pages(:

4) Books!

You can never go wrong with good literature, right? I've actually got all the Jodi Picoult books I want, so it's probably not safe to get me any of hers.

But

-books on Theatre or acting- Meisner or Chekhov or Stanisvlasky's are all welcome. Plays that you've read that you think I might like. Plays by Samuel Beckett or Harold Pinter, because I haven't actually read through any of their stuff from end to end (except for Beckett's Play).

-poetry. Collections of poems, things that are a little bit off-beat. I saw a children's book the other day that I quite liked, with a collection of poems. I forgot the title though, so I'm not very helpful right now.

- I'm in love with the Guess How Much I Love You collection- but then, I've already gotten the book I like the most. Which is Guess How Much I Love You.

So.

5) If you wanted to be more practical you could get me film for my polaroid camera. I use the creditcard sized ones that are the most common(:

6) Failing all, you could always just get me vouchers. For like Ikea (since I've just moved into this new place) or bookshops or shoe shops or places with clothes you think I'd like. I think it's really practical and nice.

Or wine. You can't go wrong with that. I'm a fan of Moscatos and Late Harvests and Medium-bodied reds with a mix of sweet and fruity flavours(:

I hope this is enough. I can't think of any more.

I'd really like to know what my friends want for Christmas though. I will go troll the internet and hope they've mistakenly left bits of information about themselves lying about.

It's August.

But no, no it's not.
Because it's almost Christmas.
And some presents aren't ours to open

When we submit the things of God to the mind of man, unbelief and religion are the results. When we submit the mind of man to the things of God, we end up with faith and a renewed mind. The mind makes a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.
-- Pastor Bill Johnson

And watch them go up in smoke

Breathe.
Someone, someone help me, help me to breathe. To stop this churning in my chest and this burning in my eyes. The sound of rushing waterfalls in my ears- it's too much, all of it, it's all too much now.

Maybe, maybe if you cut me open you could help stop my insides from thrashing about in fear, keep my skin from spasming as the world breathes and breathes and breathes onto me.

Go away. Won't all of it just go away?
I don't need very much.
Just a dark little corner and a box of matches.
I could make wishes with each light.
I could pretend I'm alright

Game

The blame game
Name names
It's the same, the same, all the same.

Too beautiful

That, that single moment when he hears his mother. Oh my word.

Actually,

I'm all teary eyed-
With just a little bit of being sad and a little bit of being scared

It's almost Christmas

And still,
I can't find you
----------------------

Don't, don't break.
Don't you dare

Cot

I've always been a fan of little cozy corners, tucked away nooks, fencing and gates to keep me in and safe.
When I have options, I pick corners. Actually, I either pick tiny, tiny corners or large open spaces. It's this bizarre clash in my personality- extrovert meets introvert. There isn't a happy middle, it's always a little bit of both.

And so, when moving things about in my room, I often wonder if my choice of furniture location makes me feel at all claustrophobic. It doesn't.
I seem to find a tilt that I am comfortable with; Corners for me to hide in and feel safe, while creating an illusion of space so that it doesn't feel so cloistered.

It's important for me- finding just the right degree of whatever it is. And I don't suppose my spaces are often the ones that would be deemed as having good feng shui. But hey, the space is mine.
And I am safe.
And the cat's in the cradle

The Long Journey Home

"If what you're doing is your passion, it should come like breathing. It's that natural."

-- Oprah Winfrey

This.

It comes like breathing. It runs through me, spilling itself when I first say hello. It makes up who I am, who I've been and who I will become.

This. It's me living.

At so many points in my life there have been things that shook me, things that left me feeling like I was falling indefinitely (which is, believe me, worse than hitting the ground). And at all these points there has been something that I can turn to and lose myself in. And as I've grown up I've returned to this. Taking things in and then, using myself; whether or not there was an audience.

This is everything that I know.

When I am here, in this place, I get to close my eyes and be more honest than I could ever be in real life. It's not about putting on someone else's skin, it's not about being a professional liar.

It's about, for once, just being completely and utterly honest.

With the people in the space, with the people watching, but mostly, with yourself.

Here, I can trust myself to be. I can trust myself to think. And I can trust the person beside me to be listening and to respond just as honestly.

I am aware of all the things I don't know, and all the things I want to know. And so, I keep at it. Clawing my way through boxes, through spaces that transcend time and all the things that we think we're sure of.

I spent the whole of last month fretting. Close to tears and on the brink of insanity. Hating myself for wanting something so much.

But I suppose it'll always be like this- I'll always want this so much more than I'd feel like I deserve. Always.

Today was a surprise and my, it was pleasant.

I'm happy, I'm excited, I'm deliriously settled and relieved and yet almost bouncing about. There's so much I want to do, so much that I simply cannot wait to take in.

I've been promised of the hell that I will go through and back, of an intensity that will break me, of worlds and worlds of things and cultures and techniques that I know absolutely nothing about but then will be soaked in for three months at a time.

I have been made guarantees that I will cry, I will wish it wasn't happening and I will doubt and question my strength and ability.

And from what I already know; I know that this will open boxes. That this requires stripping a person down to nothing and finding oneself at one's most naked and vulnerable.

But I trust where I'm going, I trust these people, and most of all, I trust this.

So here I am.

And I'm saying I want to sit here and soak it all in. Soak and absorb it and be fully, completely and utterly invested in this. Bring it. Bring it all.

Fill me, break me, piece me up and build me up again.

So when I find myself spilling, when I find this seeping from my pores as my breathing catches in the dimming of the light, seconds before the curtains fall, I will look out at an audience watching with glassy eyes and bated breath and know, and know, and know, just like I always have,

that I've found my way back home.