I

am really sad tonight.

and nothing's helped, everything's just made me feel like crying. I didn't wake up too bad today you know. And I had dim sum with my family. And it was all really nice. And I ran errands. I got Christmas presents. I had dinner.

and I got to talk, a little bit. Got to, for the first time, say out loud what's been on my mind. At least the idea of it. And watch my breathe form like crystals above my bowl of ramen and dissolve and I keep talking keep talking keep talking

No, not about what I need to talk about but instead talk about what needs to be talked about and then I find I can't

wrong

why am I all wrong

and then I'm breaking but I don't break and I fix myself because I can

and I stand up and walk because I can and so we walk around picking up things that need to be picked up and I am normal and I don't understand that buzz of a feeling inside my chest and so I push it away

and we laugh about things there are to laugh at and go home

and I begin to tell you what I realize is that buzz that's grown into an incessant whirr in my chest in my ears and behind my eyes and I tell you I tell you

but we're worried about all the wrong things

and then I go outside to talk to my mother

wrong

wrong again

I'm all wrong why am I all wrong

and then I'm breaking but I don't break. I fix myself because I can

and I come back in

but I can't

and i'm breaking, breaking apart

I hate dial tones

there's so much wrong that I don't know what's wrong anymore

and I wish I wasn't so alone

I can't breathe

I can't

I'm breaking

fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK

WON'T THIS JUST FUCKING STOP

I can't

I can't anymore

can't keep myself together

can't quell this ache that's branched out from a seed I didn't know was there

can't breathe

can't

I just can't

anymore