Tuesday, December 20, 2011


am really sad tonight.
and nothing's helped, everything's just made me feel like crying. I didn't wake up too bad today you know. And I had dim sum with my family. And it was all really nice. And I ran errands. I got Christmas presents. I had dinner.
and I got to talk, a little bit. Got to, for the first time, say out loud what's been on my mind. At least the idea of it. And watch my breathe form like crystals above my bowl of ramen and dissolve and I keep talking keep talking keep talking
No, not about what I need to talk about but instead talk about what needs to be talked about and then I find I can't
why am I all wrong
and then I'm breaking but I don't break and I fix myself because I can
and I stand up and walk because I can and so we walk around picking up things that need to be picked up and I am normal and I don't understand that buzz of a feeling inside my chest and so I push it away
and we laugh about things there are to laugh at and go home
and I begin to tell you what I realize is that buzz that's grown into an incessant whirr in my chest in my ears and behind my eyes and I tell you I tell you
but we're worried about all the wrong things
and then I go outside to talk to my mother
wrong again
I'm all wrong why am I all wrong
and then I'm breaking but I don't break. I fix myself because I can
and I come back in
but I can't

and i'm breaking, breaking apart
I hate dial tones
there's so much wrong that I don't know what's wrong anymore
and I wish I wasn't so alone
I can't breathe
I can't
I'm breaking
I can't

I can't anymore
can't keep myself together
can't quell this ache that's branched out from a seed I didn't know was there
can't breathe
I just can't

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