Saturday, July 31, 2010

please floor, don't give out from under me

I've had quite a lovely saturday morning so far.
Breakfast-ed with mommy before surprising her by popping by the polo club.
Mommy, she's the most adorable thing really(:

So I sat around, did a bit of mindmapping for the script that I'm working on,
And then had lunch with Erika before finding myself at the random bus stop at potong pasir, waiting to bring The Little Creature to the SAJC open house.

It's nice, having family time last night and then mommy-time and littlecreature-time,
And each in its own space.
I'm heading back to the office later on to finish work that absolutely must be finished.
I don't mind it really. It's the sort of rather unthinking type of task that leaves me feeling quite calm and productive.
-- --

SO. I popped by the flea market with the little creature, just to hang out for a bit with dd and v (and later tania and vic)
I hate how D's stays always feel so incredibly short all the time.
I always feel like I need just a couple more days with her around and I'll be alright except.
I'm quite ashamed to say, I hardly spend as much time with her as I'd like.

Sister-time with the little creature this afternoon was lovely.
I likey.

And I liked dinner and the simplicity of it. Haven't had that for a while and,
Truth be told, I've missed it a whole lot.

Change, sometimes it creeps up on you and your barely notice it. But I don't think we're meant to fight it and hold on to things- try desperately to keep it the way it is.
Because if we do that, we might end up missing out on how much better it could've been.
And I really like the place I'm in now.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Office Time

You do things, say things sometimes,
that make me want to just
stop. Put everything down,
Listen, while I find myself smiling like a fool.
Listen, and laugh,
put down the pen that I'm fidgeting with,
to pay you full attention.
and fight an overwhelming urge to kiss you.

This is a balance.
Or it almost is. And I'm getting there. And I don't mind it.
Not one bit.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Grow up, C

No, but really,
I'm just being a baby.
I am.

I need to shut up and deal. I really do.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

She never did know one might be capable of feeling like this.
No, she begins, it's not like, I-feel-a lot-for-you sort of a thing.
She pauses, pencil hovering over the yellowed pages of her leather bound book,
turning her thoughts over in her head.
It's more like, she tears her eyes away from the collection of words she's pieced together, choosing instead to focus on a random spot on the wall.
It's more like-
Like I feel for you in such an immense, collected way. It's not a whole mass of feeling hitting me like a tidal wave,
splashing itself over anyone standing too close. It's not like that at all.

She pauses again, briefly this time. Picking words with deliberation; Being sure that what she has to say is more than just streams of consciousness, more than a tangle of feelings left to sort itself out.

What I feel for you, it's all that's collected in the beaker at the end of the distillation process. Concentrated, and in its purest form.
I'm not overwhelmed by these feelings; I'm overwhelmed by the much-ness of it,
The immensity of it. Just the immensity of it.
Like if I were a flannel cloth, I'd be soaked with it.
Saturated, if I might use that word.
Or a glass bottle, corked, ordinary looking and sitting on a shelf.
Containing, within itself, such a concentrated, undiluted liquid,
That surely, oh surely it might burn
To even

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Because it makes sense to.

"Do you trust me?" A simple enough question,asked openly, honestly.
And I'd answered immediately, without even having to consider my answer and what she may or may not do with it.
I was somewhat taken aback by myself I suppose. But then, you always come to realize things about yourself every now and then.

"And why's that?" She asked softly.
Without quite knowing why, my voice caught and my chest knotted.
My answer came to me then, and I could not find a reason for this random choking up.
And so I told her, best as I could, best as I knew how- as open as I could possibly be.
And I felt everything fall into place, knowing with every bit of me that I meant what I was saying.

Is a funny thing sometimes,
this trust.
Especially when we search for reasons that aren't there.
Or when, perhaps, we find that one believes because there wasn't a reason not to.
Because at some point or other, your reason will come.
Your reason to not believe, it will come,
Whether or not you want it to, whether or not you're looking for it.

And if your reasons for believing aren't based on something that doesn't threaten to collapse under the sheer weight of truth,
Then I think it'd be quite the expectation to find yourself in a mess of sorts.

But then, sometimes, just sometimes,
Someone comes along, leaving you flummoxed at your sudden inability to phrase yourself.
And you find that you believe, not because there isn't a reason not to, but rather,
Because something or other just sorta fits.
Like it makes sense.
Like it wouldn't make sense otherwise.

And this,
This not having a reason, it can be a tad perturbing, just sometimes.
But I think maybe,
It's just about time that I learnt to trust myself too.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Today reminds me of home.
The weather, the feel, the sounds.
Especially since five this afternoon.

And I realize over and over again just how much I miss home.
Some days are more bearable than others, like today.
Other days see me sitting on a bench and crying myself stupid.

Today is okay.
Today is bearable.
Today feels like I can actually do something, albeit in time.

Today's also made me realize
not a single day has passed since I first arrived in this country
that I haven't wished desperately to be back home.

i like today quite a bit

I loved church and how it went.
Everything; from the time I got there, to worship,
to the sermon- small group style.
I bus-ed it home and chatted with the little creature over Ben&Jerry's Turtle Soup.
And I got to nap too(:

I love days like these,
Calm and beautiful and mine(:

So we're heading to the dbs arts centre for Hannah's play which I'm quite excited about. I've never been one for local plays, much less ones done by the upcoming generation.
I only ever go for Vicky's and Asher's and only because I think they act well.
Even so, the rest of the cast doesn't always promise to be un-cringeworthy.

And it's a terrible occupational hazard of mine, because I find myself less capable of sitting down to enjoy the play for what it's worth.
To the point of actually fighting the urge to get up and leave sometimes.

Of course, a large part of it is my intolerance for bad pronunciation and bizarre word-emphasis that is a typical trait of local actors/actresses.
At the same time, I'll admit that I am incredibly quick to make blanket statements and generalizations.

So this point on, with working on SYF next year and such, I very much want to see what I ought to brace myself for, what I should and shouldn't do,
What I will.not.stand.for on stage and just open myself up to ideas because I think that's important too.

Truth be told, I'm kind of scared of going this evening.
I'm scared I'll be so horrified that it'll take me massive effort to stay put.
Not because Hannah's bad at all, but I wouldn't know about the rest of the cast now will I?
And I don't even know what the play is/is about.
I hope it's not a local-comedy thing because I find locals have a very strange sense of humour.

Anyways, we'll just see how that goes.
Everything's a learning point I guess. *chants it silently like a mantra*

two seconds to your smile

Friday, July 16, 2010

so i love you because i know no other way

than this

Perhaps it's the way I might see myself cooking us dinner,
despite never having been the sort who'd cook.
Or perhaps the way I like being up before the sun,
and breakfasting with you.

Possibly the way I feel like I actually want to put down work,
Theatre-related work at that (which is unheard of) to spend time.
Or maybe the way I can sit with you, and not have to do anything,
Anything at all.

Surely, it must be the way I slip into sleep against you;
My body against the length of yours, our fingers knitted.
And if it wasn't then it must be how you press your nose to mine sometimes,
Or how you hold out your hand to me,
Or how you say hello when you answer your cell.

It could be how you text to say you'll be home soon-
Complete with a pretty picture to smile at.
Or the way it feels, knowing that you are,
That you're just a bit away from home.

And still, if it weren't,
if it weren't any of it in the least,
it must be how you come home, covered in work,
And manage the most beautifully tired smile I've ever seen
in all my life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A child's eyes

Maybe it's because I fancy myself open, and frank, and honest.
Maybe it's because, as best as I want to, I'd like to be an open book.

And I won't say things I don't mean, things I haven't thought through.
Because I wouldn't like that to be done to me, quite honestly.

Stupidly though, for a while, I thought other people might be like that too. Except they weren't.
So I just nodded, and smiled and took everything with a pinch of salt.

And then after a while, it was nice to find someone I felt I could ease up with.
Someone I didn't have to keep second guessing at every turn and corner.

But sometimes,
just sometimes, even truths have strains of
uhm, I can't quite find the word for it right now but-
uh something or other.
And then, words are all that one's left with.



I think a part of me is afraid, more of myself than anything.

I mean, when someone starts a sentence with, "This is the first time I've.." it would be nice to take it at face value.
Just. sometimes, you know?

And then at some point, someone comes along, and you find that you don't find it very difficult to believe.
some part of me, it's scared that I do.

That somehow,
at some point,
she had me unravelled

and caught me with my guard down.

So how now, brown cow?

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

This random Wednesday, I find time to tell you random things

Like how, for one, I've been a bit busy.
And how I type and email so much more on Kym that in the first hour of using a computer, I'm a bit lost, to be honest.

The week, and today in particular, has been a tad uhm, tiring.
My first two classes were great. Hardly any trouble, went on without a hitch. And I got to working on The Script in between classes (and loo breaks, and in between bbming Bird).
Lunch was nice.
Simple and, nice. Good Lord I feel like Joel and then Clem from Eternal Sunshine On The Spotless Mind.
I need to stop using the word "Nice".

The afternoon class was noisy but not entirely impossible.

But i'm tired today.
Brain dead.
And it's not just physical, this tiredness.
Oh I don't know.

Too much thinky-thinky.
I will go to bed before my brain explodes on me.

This is Tommy!
Who's being an absolute darling and letting me use his place as a stopover for shoesies!:D

Random fact about me (I re-realized it today) to finish off your Wednesday:
I think I've mentioned how I don't watch a lot of telly because I find it pretty noisy.
Weeeell, I realized I watch with the telly on mute quite a lot.
unless I'm sitting down specifically to watch something.


okay I will go disappear now.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Disappearances and the joy it brings-

So I got back from Phuket with me blueberry face and cut up leg.
It was a gorgeous gorgeous getaway; Quaint, quiet, homely.
I suppose I could've done without crashing our scooter into a truck, and spending the next 14 hours secretly wondering if I'd wake up if I fall asleep and then hobbling about the rest of the trip looking sorry for myself while Erika got odd looks from non-locals. (It's the bruised eye man)
I'll talk about Phuket in an entirely seperate post. promise.

It's my first week back at work, and everytime I get back to work and such, I realize over and over again just how insanely in love I am with it.
Swear to God, I can't stop!
I've gotten my script and I've picked out the kids for SYF. I'm just brimming with excitement about embarking on the entire SYF journey with this bunch. There's just so much, SO MUCH that they can do, that I feel I might be able to do with them.
It's brilliant, and God, I am SO SO happy.
My Thursdays and Fridays look obscenely busy, and I suppose I could do with less running around but hey,
we can't always have it our way!

I've never understood people's grouse about being in the office though.
Honest to God, if I had the morning/afternoon off from a school, I wouldn't half mind going back to the office. I'm actually honestly a tiny bit peeved that I will have to wait til Wednesday to get in. Because Kirsten's running on her own brain juice and I could do with a charger.
Plus, considering what I've been doing on the go, it'd be nice to be able to sit down and my desk to do it. And not have to constantly look up to see which train station I'm at and whether or not I'm making good time and then promptly losing my place on the script.

The last few days were quite lovely, I found.
In the most impossibly simple way.
I've never felt such contentment and comfortablity and cosiness. Never.
And at times when I felt a fraction of it, I've always felt like such a sodding sap because of it. I guess it was nice, knowing someone else kinda liked the simplicity of little things like that too.
I wouldn't have swapped out any of the littlest things, not for the world.
It was everything, really-
Having our own space, and doing our own things,, together and really not being joined at the hip
and the entire time,
just having a sort of ease to it all.

I could get used to it.
Although sometimes I think, thinking that makes me do a double take (I wouldn't actually say it scares me. just makes me sit up and look at myself oddly).
Because I don't do that- Get used to things like this.

Next week looks infinitely busier than the one that's just passed.
I'm itching to pick up my script and do my work.
But in the meantime, all that's left of the girls are waiting to go for ice-cream at Kovan.
(Yes V, this is what I'm doing while you're bbming me.)

This Saturday afternoon was brimming with contentment and lazy cat-stretches.
I like.

it's the littlest things;
Laundry, while I do work on the couch. Or making bubble & squeak while you wash the morning's work off you.


And even if I wasn't allowed to,
The only difference would've been the amount of physical space.

And no, I didn't see this coming
I have never felt like this before