Monday, January 25, 2010


My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

--Barlow Girl, Surrender

You've made it all so beautiful, so unimaginably beautiful. And You've created such an insane longing that I get ahead of myself, with all my plans, my dreams, and a wallet of determination.

Now I suddenly find my priorities, my perspectives, messing themselves up. I grapple with this unfamiliar feeling of not knowing where I am going, and I cry.
I cry and I try to sit down and put it all together again, only to have it refuse to fit.

And then, weary, exhausted and on the brink of despair, I find You.
I always find You, even when I haven't been looking.
And You calm me. You fill me with such an immense peace that I smile to myself on the train, I look out at people hurrying and for the first time in my life, I feel okay to not really know what is going to happen next.

I thought that the point of this transitional period, was to get out of it and know where I'm going. To find my direction and start going for it.
And for the first few days I was just filled with exasperation and frustration at what was left of me. I hated not knowing, I hated not being able to plan it down to the T.
But right in the middle of it, You opened up my clenched fist, and waited.

And I gave, I will give, and I will keep giving.
Letting go of this, of all of this, feels like the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Ever.
Because my dreams are me.
But I know now, for the first time in my life, the feeling of letting go and knowing, knowing, just knowing, that it's in Your hands. Knowing that You are the only one in the world who will not fail me. Knowing that my plans are safe with You, that I am safe with you.

This doesn't mean that I don't know where I'm going anymore or that I don't know what I want.
I know what I want for sure, it's just about how I'm going to get there.
And even after those first few days, even after praying, I still thought I had to sort all of that out.
But I see now that I don't.
Because I truly feel like He's sorting everything out for me.
I know where I'm going, and I am excited. The only thing I don't have anymore, is the worry of how I am going to get there.
Because He is there, and He will be there, every single step of the way.
And if He says step out on the water, I will fix my eyes on Him, and I will go.

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