Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Perhaps a quick "Goodnight" would have sufficed

Personally, I find it hilarious, how it's so easy for people to point fingers.
It's so easy for people to say "But you, But you, But you" and completely disregard,
and I would use the word disregard, the fact that everyone has shortcomings including yourself.

It's funny because in terms of what I do, I've always been pretty single-minded and clear with my intentions. And I've always involved the people who are close to me about my plans.
Clearly, despite it being done probono, my recent project was worth doing.
And Thank God for that.

Because it was my trigger point for this state of transition that I am currently in.
This inbetween of life scheduling.
I'd like to talk to you about it, but it's just a tad difficult when I don't have it all sorted out myself.

It's funny because you talked about weighing stuff out. Have I ever not done that?
Because the last I remember, even before I started on the shoot, I had weighed it out clearly.
I didn't completely disregard my need for rest either, mind you. It just so happened that last week was an insanely hectic week with two very seperate things that were happening or was about to happen.

It's funny, also, because I've talked about this with you before. In detail. When I thought you were listening.
That my family means the world to me and that I will always make time for my family. I suppose all I can say is that I am sorry that you don't seem to believe what I have said, or anything that I had said in that discussion at all.

It's funny, because I've had an completely full day of work, had dinner and then come home. Tired, but satisfied because I had some, just some, of the confusion in my head cleared up.
Did I want to tell you? Yes.
Did I get to? No.

Because while I was doing what we take for granted in our family (something that never happens in any other family that I know of personally),
that is, updating each other on our schedules and when we can have family time,
the focus shifted to something that was of minimal importance.
It was a side note, a digression. A "random thing that might happen at the end of the month thing".

And it has resulted in this.

You ask me why I'm so defensive, although clearly you are tired and just as defensive (albeit for different reasons).
Never mind that, because I figured you were tired. Then I tried to talk to you about what's happening, what's going on and when we can have quality time. And then you snapped and had this whole moment that just left me staring at you with my mouth open. Literally.
And that's when I got defensive.
Wouldn't you have to? When all you were trying to do is be inclusive, match timings, update each other. Instead of looking at what I was really trying to do/ talk about, your focus shifted to the down points of the conversation. That is, the dates I was blocking out.
Maybe because we're fresh from a period of not really seeing each other.

But it isn't fair for you to imply that you guys are not important.

Last night I wanted so badly to be home to have dinner with you guys. And I did.
But you were busy with work.
I'm not rubbing it in. I'm pointing it out because, when you apologized, yes sure I was a bit disappointed but work is work after all. And I'm not holding it against you and I never will. It is an issue that has been dropped.
It just so happens that the next free date I have, you're busy.
It's no one's fault, do you not see? We can and we will just work around it if we really want to.
But it's unfair that the next date I tentatively blocked out that is at the end of the month got held against me.
Because you might not have meant it that way but it sure came across that way.

Then there was the whole issue of trust and safety and a world of stuff we have been through before.
I struggled at that point to find the motivation you had for what you were saying. Truly, I was trying to understand. Except I didn't know if you were upset that I wasn't spending enough time with you guys or if you had a problem with me going out with people I've just met (concerns understood here).
Because if it's both, they are seperate issues and should be dealt with seperately. (you could have pointed out one as a side note)

Suddenly I literally felt like I was physically being bombarded with annoyance and frustration at me that has been built up since last Wednesday. And honestly speaking, that isn't entirely fair. I wanted to understand where you were coming from, but honest to God, it was too overwhelming for me.

Because, if I had the chance to talk to you, I'd tell you about what an important transition I feel like I'm going through right now. I'd tell you about all the issues I've revisited over the last week and how it's triggered this insanity, all contained in my brain. I'd tell you how close I am to the point of breaking down. How I feel like crying, not because I'm sad, but because I need to cry.

You've got your own commitments as well. And I, we, don't throw it in your face and demand you get your priorities straight. Why? Because we trust that we are still your top priority.
Even when you work late the first night in a week that I'm home for dinner.
Even when you don't take the day off work when I'm ill but you take the day off work for an emergency tuition lesson (this happened years ago.)
It is not an issue.

But right now I feel like you are telling me straight out, that I don't have my priorities straight and that everyone else is more important to me than you guys. And I keep hearing that after particularly taxing and long-houred periods, albeit short term.

So I'm writing this.
Because it is all I can do.
Because I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I need to constantly prove that you guys, that you, really are that important to me.

You are not wrong, please understand. I'm not saying you are wrong. And no one is at fault.
What I'm trying to say with this is that,
we'll always work around each other. We will make time for each other. It will happen because we want it to happen and not because you're forcing out a minimum amount of Family Time a week.
I'm also trying to say that it hurts.

It hurts like a sodding bitch when I feel like I'm being accused of not making time because I happened to have a meeting on a day that you were free. And at the same time, I had to swallow the disappointment I had when I realized you weren't free at the last minute when I was around.

It hurts because, believe it or not I am trying.
And honest to God, it's not that I need you to see that I'm trying, it's just painful to realize that you think I'm not trying and that you think you guys aren't important.

Yes it is difficult, but compared to families who do not say two words to each other for weeks at a time, I think the time we spend sorting out our schedules to match each other is precious.
But we can't do that if we're pointing out how the other isn't free on this day and the other without looking down at our own schedule books and thinking about the dates we aren't free either.

You are precious. My family is precious. And My time with you guys is precious.

But truly, I am tired of feeling like I need to explain myself and prove to you guys that I have time set aside.
I am tired of feeling frustrated with myself for not always having schedules that match.
I am tired of being honest and clear and then being told off for it. Or having an entire close-to-blow-up happen, just because.

I am tired of myself.

But most of all,
I am tired, so impossibly, ineffably tired,
of not being enough.

for anyone. not even myself.

No comments: