Tuesday, January 19, 2010

In Transit

It's messy and sure as fuck difficult. But a lot of the things that I managed to talk about today, that I managed to say out loud to myself brought me close to tears.

This realization that what was originally a "I would like to" has now become a desperate need. A need so intense that I literally feel like I might die without it.
So intense that I want to jump into it right now.

Suddenly all the things that I have written down in such insane detail, it doesn't feel like anything. Anything at all.
And honest to God, I want to drop it, stop it, freeze.
Because there's so much more that I realize I need.
So many things just waiting to be experienced.

I am not there.
And I want to be.

The five year plan, c'mon, really?
I don't want that bloody five year plan anymore, I don't.
Because while it was important for me to have children early a while ago, it suddenly takes a backseat.

I don't want to quench this thirst, I want be absolutely saturated.
It wouldn't have been enough for me, it won't. Five years? Five years?
I don't want to stop,
and I haven't even begun.

I know the direction, and I think I'm clear about the path. I know what I want in the end, and I know what I want right now.
It'll just take a while to plan it out, and then go for it.

It never did make sense that I put the stable in front of the unstable.
Because it isn't me.
So why shouldn't I just drop it all, and go for it now?

"So," she says rolling her eyes, and taking a deep breath, "What then, do you think you can possibly do seven days a week, forever and ever?"
"This," she realizes, startling herself.
"I could do this forever."

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