Dear Uncle John,
I led worship for the first time at my church today.
Would you have been proud of me, if you'd been there?
I never gave much thought to it, but I realized that both you and Aunty Esther haven't heard me singing yet.
It's been quite a while now, hasn't it?
And I suppose I'm not quite the same as the little ruddy-cheeked girl you last saw.
It must be ten years in the very least and now,
well now it'll have to be a little longer.
It's hard to be strong and not cry you know. Even though I know you're in a much better place, even though I know you don't feel any more pain and even though I know you're a lot happier.
Why couldn't I have known,
that the last time I reached up to hug you would be the very last time?
I can't help thinking of how you've been and what you've been doing over the last decade.
While I was busy trying to grow up too soon, I'm wondering how you were living and if you were as happy as I remember you.
Was it last year that I spoke with you?
I hate remembering how I said goodbye; casual and light- the way I say goodbye to my friends.
Perhaps I was so sure we'd speak again soon, or that it wouldn't be long before I got to see you.
There're memories I still have, you know.
But then, they're much too few for my liking.
I can't seem to tell which is worse; remembering too much, or remembering too little.
I wish I'd been there Uncle John, I wish that I'd at least have known.
Can't help thinking about how long it's been and how I won't get to see you or hug you again.
I think more than anything else Uncle John,
I really really am.
For telling myself that we'd go back home sooner or later, and that'd we'd see you.
For being so bloody self-absorbed that I thought we had so much more time with you, when we actually didn't.
For not hugging you tight enough the last time that I could.
For not being able to say goodbye.
There's so much more to tell you, show you, let you hear.
But all of those aren't in the least bit important anymore.
Can't wait to see you again.
And I'll hug you tight, like I always have.
I love you Uncle John, and I miss you dreadfully.
Wish you were here.
All my love, hugs and kisses