Monday, September 21, 2009

Falling asleep to Gary Schnitzer

So today wasn't too bad. I got to see my youngest sister again after a couple of months.

Fishbone ripped into me a couple of times so now my thumb hurts like a bitch.
At one point today, while daddy was strapping Abigayle into her carseat, he saw a pinkish scratch on her tiny leg.
"Aiyoh!" He went, "How'd she get this! It's quite bad! did you put cream on it?" This directed towards my stepmom of course.
I looked at my thumb, with it's dry-bloodied scratch and felt a weird sort of pain that I can't name. It's not that I don't think my daddy loves me, and of course, I'm much too old to expect kisses on my booboos. I guess it's just that I haven't had my daddy do that to me for too long a while.

Came home to dinner and misunderstandings. Played DOA with The Little Creature. Laughed, argued, made up.

In a year from now, I won't be here anymore.
But then, when I think about all that I'm trying to get sorted out en route, it's tiring.
It's tiring because I'm aware of how maybe, I can't expect my parents or at least my daddy, to help me out with University fees. He's got children of his own now.

It's tiring, because I wonder what will become of my life, my dreams and the plans that I've sketched out in my journal.
I sat in my daddy's Lexus, big but not big to fit a big family. There's another on the way, and it was a car perfect for a perfect little family.
Both parents and two children, maybe even the domestic help.
I realized that, I didn't fit into it. Not even if I tried really really hard.

For a while now I've wondered if I'll ever get to build a life that I will actually fit into. It's not that I'm not happy with my own. But it gets tiring looking at something that's supposed to be yours and knowing it isn't.

I'm not gunning for perfection, or the all-american family with the perfectly mowed lawn. I'm already happy. But I think, even if I don't get to ever have it, I want my children to feel like their life was built for just for them. The worn couch, the telly with the chip where they tipped it over when they were five. I don't want them to feel like the life that was supposed to be theirs got taken away, and have them watch half siblings live in a life that could've, would've been theirs.

Anyway, I honestly didn't mean to start on this rant. Apologies.
It's eleven, and I've to be up for work.
Gary Schnitzer's Rhapsody is playing on repeat and I'm going to go snuggle into my freshly changed sheets now.

Goodnight, all you happy people.

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