Monday, September 7, 2009

building resentment


I hate it. With it's stupid rules and restrictions and "Of course you can do this! (only if it's vetted by half a million people with a pimple in their asshole)".
Fifteen years and I don't feel like I can or like I want to hold on very much longer.

Okay, well. It's just because today's one of those days where I'm really missing home and missing my family and missing everything that I do not have here. And to top it off, it doesn't help when you've never felt like you're welcome.
Not when I first arrived (and they claimed my accent was a barrier), not now when people tell me that I am just so pretty if only I weren't so darn fat.
I love my friends to bits, but this is not a nice place to live in. Not in the least.

If I had it my way, I'd whisk all my friends and their family (those random people on facebook who added me cos we're from the same school don't count) to a lovely mountainous area. And then promptly build walls around this island.
Doesn't make sense for bad blood to breed, after all.

Everytime I start on rants like these, it amazes me how unsingaporean my friends are. And how I absolutely love them for it.

I'm sad. I really miss LA. I really miss my family. And I really really miss feeling such pure joy and excitement at waking up every single day. To feel like my day's been made just because cars actually let you go first (even though it's quite the norm), to have sales assistants say "Honey, my name's Jane, just yell out if you need my help okay?"
To hear, "Sweetie, you're a bit small for this, I don't think you're going to fit into an M."

To walk around and not feel like you need to rush along because everyone's always rushing the fuck around (even on the escalators!). Sitting down in cafes and looking out at pigeons, as happy as clams. Walking around the houses and have neighbours call out and wave to you. To not have people tut and sigh and moan in your fucking ear just because you stalled at an entrance for 0.0000823 seconds.
To feel like you fit in.

I miss it so much. The coats, the weather, the cold noses and popsicle feeties. The yoghurts even though it's freezing out, the old man playing his harmonica on the corner of the street, the squirrels that dart across the yard and the huge roses in bloom that you find in the bushes right outside your door.

When I tell you I want to bring you there, bring you around to all these places, you have no idea how much I mean it. You have no idea all the mental pictures I've taken and cropped you into. It is so breathtakingly beautiful over there. Not because there aren't alot of cars and exhaust fumes flying about. Not because there aren't your fair share of rude people who haven't had sex in 93792408038 trillion years.
But because despite all that, people still smile. And there are still nice people around. And on top of that,
it's far far far away from a tiny island that thinks it's the world.

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