Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Going for Take One in 5,

and already screwing up.

I think what I feel, above all, is immense frustration and disappointment at myself. It was all arranged, all set, way before hand. And as solid, as sure as those answers seemed at the time, they turned out to well, not be as positive as I thought.
I ought to be understanding I suppose; that children are unpredictable, that parents cannot bend over backwards to accommodate their kids. But it's difficult. So unbelievably difficult.
Not because it makes me look bad, no.
But because I tried my damnest to make it convenient, simple, a no-brainer. I want to give, but then, no one seems very keen on taking. How does that work?

And right now, at 12am, I'm doing last minute preparations for tomorrow's program. It's not that preparing for ten is a huge deal, it's that it's disheartening knowing the likely possibility that only about half will be used. And what then?
I jumped in, all excited, everyone else got roped in and in the end, there's likely to only be five kids turning up.
Five kids. When there are what, five trainers?
Makes me want to cancel the entire thing. Run away so I won't feel this insane burning shame.

I wish i had more time. We always say that don't we.
But i ought to turn up and face the sad shaking of heads. I wish there was more I could do. I wish people would bother to pick up the freaking phone.
I wish I didn't feel so darn shitty about this, especially at the last minute.

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