Like a breath of fresh air

So quite a few things have happened in the last week and a half.

One of them being that I've just come on board as one of the female leads in an upcoming tv series called What Do Men Want.
It's an exciting, relatable, funny string of episodes put together by Christian Lee and Jason Chan of BananaMana, who wrote and will be directing this series. And who, as if all that isn't enough on their plates, will also be playing our male leads.
I swear to God, I don't know how people like them do it- do so many things all at once.
And speaking of doing many things at once, to my right is Glory Ngim, who plays the other female lead in What Do Men Want. She too is heavily involved in theatre and lots of other projects at the same time, and while I am mostly in awe of this team who juggle acting, writing, family life and being a normal (kind of), sane (almost) person, it's also nice to know that I'm in the same space as people who are just as committed to their craft.

SO YES!
We've just come together for the first bout of photoshoots, styling, interviews and talks about the show. We're set to shoot in just a week, and will be out by the time September/October rolls around.
I'm incredibly psyched- it feels like a bit of an adventure we're going on, and I can't wait for all of you to see it(:

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Work aside,
there's been... well more work, but a different sort.
Ms C's Little Blackbox had officially come around. And I'll be talking with people about workshops I can run, whether in Singapore or otherwise, which is most exciting indeed.

Wish me luck!

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And then, just like that, we're five days away from hopping onto a plane to Perth.
There's a whole lot waiting for us on the other side (including my best friend in Melbourne who I'm dying to see), and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of it.

Getting comfortable isn't always good, and I think it's about time to take myself outside of here.

So.
Ready, get set,
go(:

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"But that's not the best part. I mean, the best part, is that you get to go on an adventure. Together."

Higgley Piggley Bumble Bee

Won't you say your name for me,
What's your name?

"Javed"
"So tell me about your week sweetheart"

He always talks about his toys, his race cars, his lightning McQueen and his green Lamborghini. He always tells me he lost one of his cars, and that mommy would go look for it. Most times, he'd be reunited with his cars, but sometimes it wouldn't be such a happy ending.

"This morning, I played-" he begins, as he always does.
"Mm, did you?"
"Yes. And then we went to the hospital."
"The hospital?"
"For mommy."
Notice how he didn't say they brought/picked up mommy.
"Oh no, is Mommy alright?"
"Yes!"
"So what's happening at the hospital sweetheart?"
"Mommy, she said, because we're going to buy a new baby."
"Really?! And tell me about this baby, will it be a boy or a girl?"
"It will be a baby!" He replies, puzzled by my bizarre question.

So they will buy a new baby, and Javed, who I still call Baby, will be an older brother.

I can't keep up with your turning tables

It's June 24th.

On a Friday.

I've officially been a Freelancer (again) for my second Friday now.

It's not actually work that's stressing me out really, it's everything put together.

It's June 24th, on a Friday.

(Randomly, I was wondering why the 24th seemed to ring some kind of bell and I remembered that it's an old anniversary date. Well, not June. Just, 24ths. Back when anniversaries weren't enough and there were Monthsaries as well. Gawd.)

It's June 24th, on a Friday.

It's the first day this week, the first day since I've gotten back from Perth that I don't have to be out and about. The first day I can spend packing. And I have been. Except, it doesn't quite seem to be doing much.

Like, seriously, where the FUCK does all this crap come from?

We want to move out by month end-

Not entirely impossible, I'd say. But if my rate's anything to go by. Or well, I don't know.

Over the last four, five years, this is the third time I'm moving.

You'd think I'd have gotten used to packing lifetimes into boxes. Hah.

Well, I'm less sentimental now. I've been callously chucking things, ripping them up (it's more satisfying) and brutally hauling out things to give away. I can't be fucked anymore, quite honestly speaking. We probably wouldn't miss half the things if they accidentally got burnt up.

The rate I'm going, I'd say I stand a decent chance at moving out by Sunday.

But there's all the family things too. I don't know how to work this out best, frankly speaking.

With this lack of an outside pressure (which is good but also has its down sides), it doesn't seem likely that there'll be ONE BIG MOVING DAY where people come in and clear out our shit and like it or not, TA DAH-

We're tripping over dustbunnies and half-taped boxes in our new living room.

It's not supposed to be so difficult. And this move is supposed to be nicer, isn't it?

Because it's our place and all and yadayada.

So, a thought-

Maybe If I manage to get my shit together, I can move over first and then come back to clear and help. Because that'll = space = time = extra hands = more incentive for family to join me = less hover-about-type of pressure.

Right? Well I don't know. Just a thought.

So. It's June 24th, on a Friday.

The proposed deadline is Month end, June 30th. That's a Thursday.

Tomorrow, June 25th: I have to be up and around doing something or other for work.

Sunday, June 26th: I'm supposed to have a contractor in to lay down my plinth.

Monday, June 27th: My application for TTRP is due. Oh my God. I need to sort that out.

Tuesday, June 28th: Performance at SDC

Wednesday, June 29th: Surely, surely I've got something on because there is never any peace for the wicked.

Thursday, June 30th: Performance at SDC. Oh wait, is that the deadline for moving?

Friday, July 1st: Audition

Saturday, July 2nd: First Saturday of Term 3 for the children.

There'll likely be a meeting next week then, so that we know for sure what's happening.

So go on, go. Tell me what to do. Tell me, how I might possibly, possibly scrounge together a few minutes to make SOMETHING work.

Fucking hell I need a smoke. Okay, no. That might just be the coffee telling me that.

And then, and then the term will start.

And every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon's not mine. And possibly every Wednesday and Friday afternoon too.

And there won't be anymore Saturday mornings.

If I wanted these six months to take a break,

then why doesn't it feel like I am?

SYF

Starts in 9 days

Lighting for Serangoon is in two days, Lighting for Kuo Chuan in four days.

Fajar performs in 16 days, Serangoon in 18,

Kuo Chuan in 22.

Kuo Chuan also showcases at the end of this week.

Wow.

Goodnight World.

Disappearing

These days,

I don't know where I am.

I wake up and figure I've got X number of minutes to shower and dress to get to the bus stop by Y o'clock sharp to be at School 123 by Z am. It's a day to day to day, I'm hanging on by mere threads. Yet I am fully aware that so many have it worse. Or that it could be worse.

I'm excited about work. With SYF coming up. I'm excited about what I'm doing and what I can keep doing and what's missing. Admittedly stressed, but excited all the same. And the children's program is going alright.

But I guess there's a lot of things happening at the same time. And although I know that the mountain on my plate is but a tiny fraction of the rest of it, it's all sort of worked me into this blur of students and faces and coffee and smokes.

I'm in a daze, most times.

Honest to God, I'm so out of it. I'm not feeling anything, don't feel like talking much.

Just want to lie by the pool and block the rest of the world out. Which I attempted to do on Thursday except it poured within the hour.

I won't have any more days like that for a long, long while.

I'm not around anymore. Or like, I am, but not really.

You know how some people sit with their significant others and... well it doesn't even have to be a significant other, sometimes it's parents or friends. Well some people sit with another person and all they're thinking is, "This person is here but he's not really here. He's somewhere else. And I'm not there with him."

That's me. Except I'm the person missing. Not because I'm bored, not because I don't want to be there. But just because.

Then I catch myself, and bring myself back. Catch myself, bring myself back again. And I'm paying attention, I am. I'm not bored. But.

I don't know. Okay? I don't know.

The only time I've felt fully present is when Bird and I have been BBM-ing. That and Enqing's piano recital on Thursday evening which Erika and I went for.

It's me. I know it is.

And it feels like if someone touches me, they'll find out that I'm just a hologram. I'll find out I'm just a hologram.

And. I feel bad.

Yes, of course I think about you. Yes, I do care about you and wonder what you're thinking. Yes, I do want to know how you're doing and what's bugging you.

But I don't feel like there's enough of me here. There isn't.

And I'm mortally afraid that if I even try to hold you, we'll both realize I'm made out of some chiffon-like material.

That you can't hold on tight enough to me because.

Because I can't.

It's like picking up trash in dresses

So I thought of you in church today. Of going together, to either of ours.

Of having days where we might just go on our own, and then come home for lunch.

Of all the things I somehow feel with you.

So. I finished it. And dropped into Dropbox.

And then,

I just lay my head on the table-

my chest pounding, my fingers cold,

my head knowing that I've still got something else to finish.

For the first fifteen minutes after wrapping that up, I really didn't quite know what to do with myself. I sat in the pantry of my office, and just, stilled myself for a bit.

It's 6:21 on a Sunday evening. I've just got to finish up this last bit and I'll be off for home.

It's just this last little bit.

Really.

I sorta think we could both do with a bit of a getaway, right about now.

All the things I tell myself are enough to hold on to

Her text this morning, it almost had me tearing up.

My recent realization- why does it make me feel such an extraordinary pain?

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
Powered by Gee! from StarHub

things like this make me go "Aww"

Akif Halqi Naughtybynature

Clear Chat History

Today

MISS C!

Could you please please please kindly be our drama teacher for like, permanently!

We're the same sort of people. We'll give and give and give,
Because we want to.
But the moment it becomes something expected of us, something we ought to do,
Anything that feels like it's closing in on us just a tad,
We'll shift uncomfortably and want to run.

And we'll ask if it's just us.
We'll wonder desperately if there's something wired wrongly with us,
That we can't seem to handle the everyday that people breeze through.
But it's not.

Except, I can't believe that it's going to feel like it's just me soon.
Though I figure now, you probably felt like that for the longest time.

No one else's leaving feels even a fraction as bad as yours.
Because they've, we've, you've got a world of different reasons.
But it's sorta the same with us, and I know that while you must, it stings.

I am impossibly happy for you, but no one else is going to get it-
This, and all it brings.
They don't give a hoot. They're not half as emotionally attached.
I'm not saying they don't like work,
I'm saying they feel different.

That's why we think it through, and it still hurts to let go.
That's why we stay to tie up loose ends,
To wrap things up before we take our leave.
And that's why we'll always come back.

I'm a few steps behind you now.
And love it as I do, I know I can't stay. You could've told me that,
I think you might have already in fact.
It kills me to think this, admit this, know this.
But well.


I'll see you on the other side babe,
We're the same sorta people after all.

This leaving business

It leaves me standing on shaky ground.
But,
but I'm not one to jump off a ship just because people think, or say it's sinking.

I can almost understand though,
Really I can.

Sometimes, we need to be selfish. We need to think about ourselves.
After all, one needs to sort out oneself before beginning to be any sort of contribution to another.

I wonder about myself though.
I've talked about leaving for so long, and I was supposed to,
had it all planned and set.
But then I didn't, I haven't. I can't seem to, and there're always reasons to stay.
Or at least,
I seem to find myself reasons to stay.

At the beginning of the year, I was just seven months away from leaving.
And somehow, I've pushed that back by ten, eleven months? How in the world did that happen?
Sometimes, I'm frustrated at myself for it.
But then, honestly, there's been a part that's wanted to stay. I mean, if I didn't want to stay so much, then I'd have left by now, no?

When I signed that contract most recently,
I wasn't just agreeing to terms and conditions. I wasn't just saying that I'd stay til the contract was up.
When I signed, I signed it knowing full well that I would stay until I had everything wrapped up, clean and shelved for future reference.
I signed it knowing that I would not be able to leave things hanging.
I signed it, knowing that even though I wasn't supposed to come home with my family end of this year, that I would.

People are different.
I want to go after what I want, and I will.
But not by dropping something like this. It's not anyone's fault if they choose to do differently,
But I guess, well I sort of feel it a bit unfair.

Yes I think it's good for you, yes I think you need to be selfish.
Yes, I think you should go. Go out there and get what you need, especially if you can't get what you need here.
But I'd be lying through my teeth if I said we didn't need just a little bit of help picking up the pieces you'll leave behind.

It's not that I'm resentful, please don't think that.
I guess I don't quite know how to take this,
And I'm just wishing it were easier. Not on me, it hardly has anything to do with me really. But on the ones who're fumbling, running to catch the falling breakables before they shatter.

I will leave too.
Eventually.
I will leave because I have to.
But maybe, just maybe, I'd have left enough of myself behind for you to keep going.

And hopefully,
That will be enough.

Live like we're dying, Mister Brightside

Personally, I don't fully agree with living like we're dying.
(Sorry Jay was making me listen to it and I've begun this rant.
On a random, minor digression-
Someone asked me about how I name my tech stuff. Well my stuff, because I don't just name the tech ones. I think it's been mentioned that naming your tech stuff is the new thing. Which is funny if you're one who's always named your stuff.
That of course includes Penny the Pillow and Barry the Bolster. Okay, not really. Ahmahgad! I am SUCH an ENFP! Digression over.)

So uh,
YES that's right-
I don't entirely believe in living like you're dying.
I think it's quite sad if life is so transient for a person, and not something you can hold on to for just long enough to smile at.
I should know, about half-lives or lives that are so transient-
I've lived like that for let's see, just about the sixteen years I've spent in Singapore.

I mean yeah, go try new shit and stuff, go jump off buildings if it gives you such a rush.
But don't keep feeling like you need to seek out things to live, or to make you feel like you're living. Because then you're always going to be trying to fill a space that just can't.

I think one should be happy.
It's simple.
I don't think one should waste time on things that tire you or annoy you.
Why meet up with that classmate who used to spit in your hair just because it's been a decade? If you don't feel like it, don't do it- that's what I say.

Take things as they come, and when it does, appreciate it.

Okay. Rant over!

In other news, my teacher's day was most lovely!
It was quite unplanned I'll admit. But then that's the fun in taking things as they come no? (Refer to above rant)
So everything after lunch was most unexpected but very nice.
Including the gorgeous amount of time I had to read.

I'm fantastically happy I've hooked up with Jodi Picoult again.
I haven't been reading in months.
And for someone's who's a bookworm and fuhreaking proud of it,
It's most uncharacteristic I must say.

But yay! Decent reading!

So I'm at Clementi Town right now.
My teacher's day present right after teacher's day?
Mock assessment.

Three minutes past Friday

My eyes are unbelievably sore and
I.am.so.tired.

I said my goodnights nearly an hour ago, and yet, I'm still sitting in front of Kirsten.
Actually, honestly,
I had work to do. Kid you not.

Well, I have work to do.
Except,
I settled down for a good read, albeit online. Haven't done that in a while.


But yes, still fully aware of work that is due. And how I should, most definitely, get that sorted.
Soon.
I need it done by tomorrow morn.


God.
I am tired.


So talk about my most recent trip (which oddly enough feels both recent and far away at the same time) got me thinking about the whole getting away thing.
The swelling on my face hasn't even gone down yet. wow whee!

But yes,
getting away for a bit.

A couple of my best friends have booked their tickets to Bangkok, and I was supposed to go with. Except, what with work and all.
Then I'm looking at going later/coming back earlier. something. I don't know.
But then, that's just it.
I don't know.

I miss Bird. And I'm incredibly tempted to hop on to a weekend flight just to see her.
I feel more likely to do that than Bangkok.
Odd isn't it?


My Fridays, they always leave me reeling.
And mostly, I'm not even aware that it's the weekend. The weekends sort of just feel like an extention of my week, and I'm often left a bit dazed.
By the time it's properly sunk in that it's the weekend, it's a Sunday afternoon and my Monday's dressed and waiting for me.

I love what I do.
I do, with every bit of me.


But then, half way through my second school, my fourth class of the day,
right in the middle of class, I tasted my frikkin' throat in my mouth. It's this Godawful taste of (quite literally) my throat wearing itself out.
Then you might say,
"Well that makes you a terrible drama trainer doesn't it, if you're SO all about voice projection and such!"
But there's voice projection, and there's, being at a constant and consistently loud volume, all.the.time. And it scared me, for a bit, that funky taste in my mouth.
It's not a first.

And ugh, my throat hurts.
And I, am just a little bit,
y'know,
tired.
Just a little bit.

Physically, that is.
And we can always fix physical. And I wish I weren't so tired, especially when it doesn't feel like I've been doing very much.
But oh well. I'd best suck it up, get over it, so I can sort the rest of my shit out.

Because I will do that.

Today is odd.
And not in an easy-to-swallow sort of way.

I guess I am flexible to a certain extent, but I really don't like schedules/plans changing at the drop of a hat.
rawr.

whywhywhyyyyyyyyy.
This is infuriating!

i am afraid-

That if I don't find a better balance, then on days away from work, I'd be left feeling listless, restless and like maybe I should just go back to doing work.

Let's face it, the world's not going to stop moving just because one's not in it.
And it might be a good idea to sometimes, just sometimes, get off my safe, steady, consistent forever,
To come back to what has and will always be there.

Even as I've stood in the middle of my world, the very ground underfoot has shifted, the scenery changed,
And I haven't even been aware.

I am afraid.

Because when people said slow down, you're moving too fast,
It never made any sense.
I wasn't moving too fast, bloody hell.

With work, and what I do-
I love it, and I know where I'm going with it. I know what I'm doing,
How to fix things, how to find my way around.
I know where I am severely lacking, where I need to work harder,
What's missing, what is already there.
I know it. I know it with everything that makes up my very being.
But then,
There is real life.
And it is everything that catches you off guard. Life is the shaky ground you're left to stand on when the concrete of your dreams,wants and ambitions collapse beneath everything you thought you were, everything you think you are.

I'm not moving too fast, chasing dreams, climbing ladders or building careers.
I am staying home, working with all that my body knows.

And when I take my final bow before the curtains fall,
I know that I am stepping out of a world we created. I am stepping away from lies, lines, character motivations, conflict and a tangle of mixed feelings.
I am stepping out of, and away from and I can breathe.
Life, however, doesn't always promise me that.

I am afraid because real life never seems to make half as much sense and although I've never fancied myself the sort who runs away,
I don't want to find out too late, that I have spent so much time out of real life,
That it's just packed up and left altogether.

I don't want to find myself so far away,
That there's nothing left for me here. Because it'd only be my fault.

And the only thing I'll be left with,
Is an empty stage, a theatre filled with an audience that isn't there and the clinking of keys that'll tell me
It's time to switch off the house lights.

Dialogue In The Dark

I woke from the most bizarre dream this morning. It was nightmarish, but not in the scary sort of way-
More like, I don't think I'd like to have that conversation/situation to happen in real life.


Dialogue In The Dark was, eye-opening to say the least (pun completely unintended).
There was such an immense amount that one got out of it;
The acceptance of the sudden dependency, the need to trust-
Not just the guide who you don't know, or the group around you that you do know, but yourself.
Trusting yourself, your sixth sense, whichever. Just, trusting yourself.
And that was a big thing for me.

I guess the point for me was to lose myself entirely in this completely unfamiliar world,
And finding joy in little bits, such as figuring out certain letters and numbers,
Or figuring out what a particular object was.

That was the take this morning,
And my word it was interesting.

Noooow, post meeting,
I'm finding myself on slightly shaky ground. And wondering if maybe, there's something I might be able to do better for my kids.
Mmmm.