Friday, September 17, 2010

This leaving business

It leaves me standing on shaky ground.
but I'm not one to jump off a ship just because people think, or say it's sinking.

I can almost understand though,
Really I can.

Sometimes, we need to be selfish. We need to think about ourselves.
After all, one needs to sort out oneself before beginning to be any sort of contribution to another.

I wonder about myself though.
I've talked about leaving for so long, and I was supposed to,
had it all planned and set.
But then I didn't, I haven't. I can't seem to, and there're always reasons to stay.
Or at least,
I seem to find myself reasons to stay.

At the beginning of the year, I was just seven months away from leaving.
And somehow, I've pushed that back by ten, eleven months? How in the world did that happen?
Sometimes, I'm frustrated at myself for it.
But then, honestly, there's been a part that's wanted to stay. I mean, if I didn't want to stay so much, then I'd have left by now, no?

When I signed that contract most recently,
I wasn't just agreeing to terms and conditions. I wasn't just saying that I'd stay til the contract was up.
When I signed, I signed it knowing full well that I would stay until I had everything wrapped up, clean and shelved for future reference.
I signed it knowing that I would not be able to leave things hanging.
I signed it, knowing that even though I wasn't supposed to come home with my family end of this year, that I would.

People are different.
I want to go after what I want, and I will.
But not by dropping something like this. It's not anyone's fault if they choose to do differently,
But I guess, well I sort of feel it a bit unfair.

Yes I think it's good for you, yes I think you need to be selfish.
Yes, I think you should go. Go out there and get what you need, especially if you can't get what you need here.
But I'd be lying through my teeth if I said we didn't need just a little bit of help picking up the pieces you'll leave behind.

It's not that I'm resentful, please don't think that.
I guess I don't quite know how to take this,
And I'm just wishing it were easier. Not on me, it hardly has anything to do with me really. But on the ones who're fumbling, running to catch the falling breakables before they shatter.

I will leave too.
I will leave because I have to.
But maybe, just maybe, I'd have left enough of myself behind for you to keep going.

And hopefully,
That will be enough.

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