Saturday, September 4, 2010

rounding corners as familiar as the soles of your feet

This is why I don't like school breaks-
It destroys your momentum, catches you off-guard, leaves you grappling with an entirely new world- and for how long?
This time, just one week.

I'm not coming to a grinding halt, but there's bits of me that's asking myself if I know where I'm going.
Don't want to wander around and find you've spent your entire life just,
Going in circles, now do you?

I missed Muay Thai so much, well, been missing it so much, that I spent me some time shadowing.
The term "fits like a glove" does no, in any way, make sense.
In my last five minutes or so, I pulled them on. My gorgeous pair of gloves that I used to swear would never see a layer of dust on it (clearly that failed).
Yeah they fit, yes they were comfy.
But fit like a glove?
I could've crammed my hand into a cookie jar and they might've felt the same.
Familiar yes, but not like second skin.
Not the way it used to feel.

And I'd kick, and find I wasn't balanced properly.
At some point, dripping sweat, my eyes finding focal points to train themselves on,
I found myself on the line between frustration and fury.

Do you know how it feels?
Do you have any, any idea at all how it might feel?

It's like getting on stage and not knowing stage right from stage left,
Not knowing if I am down stage left or up stage right.
It's like being thrown into an improv scene and then, finding that I have nothing to offer, nothing to give,
Nothing to build on. Despite all the years I've done this,
Despite feeling like it's second nature.

It would be like getting on a bike and not remembering how to cycle it.
It would be like struggling to mount a horse, after more than a decade of doing it unthinkingly. And then getting on top and finding that you don't know which lead you're supposed to be on or that you barely remember how to even start moving.
I felt that way this evening.
All these things that used to come so easily, almost like second nature
Take a step back from it and then you find yourself struggling to even keep your balance.

It broke my heart, to see how far away I'd got from well, this.
But there'll be more of this.
There will

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