Turning Tables

Dear Diary,

I am very tired today.

Not physically, not physically at all. Mostly annoyed at all the things I should/can be doing. And fighting with the thought of, "don't I deserve some rest?"

Because, quite frankly, I almost believe I do.

I have a long to-do list, and it's only my first week back as a Freelancer.

Y'know, taking my life, schedule and Ical into my own hands? Except, I'm not. Not really.

To a certain point, I feel dangerously unmotivated. At the same time I figure, surely it's okay to sit still and breathe for a second or two.

Except I'm not. I'm not actively resting, I'm doing it accidentally and so it frustrates me even more.

I wrote a song last night. Well, this morning, and I'm pretty pleased with it. I can't wait to try it out on my Ukulele and see how it sounds.

But I don't feel particularly productive. Even though I wrote it as I was falling asleep.

And I went for an audition today. It was alright, no biggie.

I've gotten rusty from this lack of auditions and exposure and sitting around and writing.

I've got a few of my recording equipment with me, and thinking about it now, I figure, I'll set it up once I've moved. So then, that makes me sorta excited.

But then, it also doesn't. Because.

Well because when it's come to my music I haven't always been very "out there" about it.

I should pack. I can pack, can't I? Maybe then, perhaps, I'd feel more productive. I'd feel like, I'm closer to something even though I don't know what it is.

I've got another audition on Wednesday, and rehearsals on Thursday and stuff on Saturday morning.

I'm sitting in this kip of a room and I'm just, just generally annoyed. I don't know at what, that's the thing. Maybe myself.

And I kind of want to sit and cry.

And I've been eating too much chocolate. So that sort of sucks.

This is me thinking out loud though.

So I figure, I should do what I always do and go back to the question that I throw at myself, and that I'd ask anyone in this place-

What do you want?

What do I want?

I want to go pick up my Ukulele and sit by the river and play. And then I want to sit in a corner and feel happy and content. And then I want to pack. And I want to move in to my new apartment cos I'm actually really excited about it.

And then I want to set up my recording corner with Haze (uh oh, come to think of it, I left haze in the office). And I want to do things with Haze and my Uke. Like take over the world one chord at a time.

And I'm okay with not doing DIC at all this term. In fact, you know what, I think I'll completely pass on DICs this term and instead, just sing and act and do the kiddies' program.

I'll get by on that and tutoring, maybe I'll sit on the sidewalk and sing for change. Maybe I'll write you a song and sell it.

Right now though, I also want to sit in a corner and cry a bit. That and picking up my Uke are the first things on my To Do list.

Except.

And I know this sounds stupid but,

I can't find the time.

And I don't even really know for sure why I'm sad.

It's my first week being a Freelancer again, how can I be sad?

Maybe I'll start with the packing.

Then I can pick my Uke up tomorrow.

And then maybe, just maybe, I'll find my sanity again.

Love,

C