Midnight chill

On an evening like tonight, I am grateful- for the moments that I get to turn and see my best friends exhaling smoke in the opposite direction from me, the moments they whip out cameras to take pictures of their million chins to send to each other, the moments that they're just... There. 

Yes, yes it has been years. And I'm grateful for the ones I've gotten to have.

---------------------------------

I cannot imagine a loss this close. 

Cannot begin to fathom the roller coaster of emotions, the memories and thoughts being picked through, just to get to steadier ground. 

To those left reeling...

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will find warmth and comfort and security, even in all the places you forget to look. I hope that just when you need it, there will be someone there to hold you and all of this. And if it is space you need, I hope you find  fresh air that fills your lungs so full that any one step forward won't seem half as daunting. 

To you,

there are things I mean to say, but there'd be far too many words working only to cloud the bits that matter. So instead-

I hope you are safe now. I truly do. 

And to you, ma chérie

Please know, that there is not a place in this world I would rather  be than right here to hold your hand. 

Love,

C

and I feel like I'm naked in front of this crowd

And even though she's spent her life performing,
She falls in love with the one girl who makes her face flush, her hands shaky, when all she's doing is sitting in the audience, two seconds away from hearing a song.

Nothing makes me happier than you

There are days I think about you and just realize how much it is that I like being with you. That I could for a while. A long while.

Sent from my iPhone

"If you ain't here I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air"

I am drawn to thinking of all our smallest, tiniest interactions

But more than that,

I am fixated on how one of the biggest people in my life, one of the strongest and most beautiful person I know is breaking, now that you've gone. 

And I. 

I want to duct tape all the tears in the picture.

I want to relive the moment I loved the way you smiled at her like she was your world, and realizing that things like that were possible. 

That loving someone so much was possible. 

That being so overwhelmingly happy was possible. 

I love you both so much.

As individuals and in all your togetherness. 

I wish you were still here. 

I wish you could be.

So wherever you are, promise you'll write them postcards from far away, and say you'll be there to hold her in all the moments she misses you most. 

Because you were made for her. 

I don't know how else to put it but. You were. 

In all your weirdness you two fit like Lego blocks.

So please, leave bits of yourself behind.

Leave bits of yourself for them to find. 

And you don't hear a single floorboard creak

now you see it,
now you don't.

No one else's.

you wrap me up with security,
With gentleness
With a sureness in the way you pull me in

You wrap me up with promises,
You wrap me up
In you

Some nights

When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Gripping.

Onto something that has long left the
Building

When sadness comes in a wave I cannot recognize
And there is a biting in my bones that make me realize
That

Some nights
Like
Some days

Aren't yours
Aren't yours
Aren't.

Some nights,
When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Hanging.
Onto hope that is so frayed that I am
Staring
At a rope so far away from reach
That I
Am quite ashamed to say
I'm not okay
These words are coming from a chasm deep inside
Filled with boxes packed so high
With little things I cannot speak of, cannot see because I'm scared because I'm not
Asfreeasallthestoriesthatiwriteandall
Thepicturesthatihopetodraw
AndallthesongsthatfadethemselvesintothesePOVsthaticanonlywishwereminebut
Aren't.

And I am breaking in all these ways I didn't know I could-
I don't know why this sadness comes to take me when I only pass as happy in all the times I should.

Some nights
Some nights,
When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Hanging.
Onto all the nothings that make me sad in all these ways that make me break
In all the ways that leave me

Hanging.