Sitting with your demons and choosing not to fight

"Are you alright?"

However much time you've spent running away,
You'll never outrun yourself.

And when it feels like most of your time is spent fighting off everything else,
really, the last person you want to fight is yourself.

And then,
There is calm.
Just like you used to know.

yes,
I'm alright.
I thought I used to know how to get myself there
It's relief that I never forgot.

So,
"Yes, yes I am."

Shelter

I find shelter, in this way

Under cover, hide away

Can you hear, when I say?

I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?

It felt so crystal in the air

I still want to drown, whenever you leave

Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before

So you can feel the way I feel it too

And I'll mirror images back at you

So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

still

Adventure is out there, it's heading our way
So grab your scarf and goggles, let's fly!
I've mapped out our journey, we're up here to stay.
A sunset is our home
A moonbeam we will own

My Spirit of Adventure is you!

And then this pain comes, searing into flesh and cutting through bone like it's cloth.

Unsteady and shaking, it is all she can do to hang on to these words.
But all she knows is this unfathomable, ineffable pain that's burning the inside of her veins, eating away at all the things that keep her together.

Forces a smile she knows you cannot see, managing a
"Nothing"
Because that, that's kinda what it is. It isn't anything until you make it something. And it isn't supposed to be anything to begin with anyway.



Nothing.
It's nothing,
It's nothing, it's nothing.

And if she says it enough,
maybe it'll dull all the razor sharp blades that feel like they're running patterns on the inside of her skin,
Maybe it'll stop the way she hates herself for feeling all the things she does,
Maybe it'll make her feel less like an idiot,
Like she is the biggest fool in a game she didn't ask to play.


It's nothing.
It's nothing.
It's nothing.

Sleeping with the lights on

On the days I miss you most,
I watch an endless stream of cooking shows, teary eyed and nursing too many glasses of gin and tonic.


And I wait.