Sunday, June 10, 2012

And I can think of a thousand reasons why

I fall asleep to a single line of a song playing in my head on repeat.
"Jump into your warm mobil and run away," it goes, "you're always leaving me behind."

And then, there is a voice that curls itself inside my ear. Breezy, promising, and calming. Always so, so calming.
She'll love you when you're beautiful. Whenyou'rebeautifulbeautifulbeautiful,ohwhenyou'rebeautiful. She'llloveyouwhenyou'rebeautifulbeautifulbeautiful,onlywhenyou'rebeautiful.

I missed you all day and thought being home meant I wouldn't. They must've told me a thousand different ways that you can miss someone even when they're right beside you, and yet it still catches me off-guard.
That's the thing about these things, creeping up on you when actually you meant to spend your Saturday night cuddled up and squirreling away pockets of giggles and kisses that you tell yourself you can keep like Polaroids in your wallet. I meant to do that.
But we don't always get to do the things we want, so more than anything, I missed you.

I wake up with the same song I fell asleep to- the one line that's still playing on a loop.
And then your voice is the first sound of my morning, burying itself behind my ear and into my hair as you pull me to you. I half smile and I can't help it.
I want us to be okay, to make up for last night, to feel like we might be frustrated with the situation (not just the immediate one but its never-ending tangle of roots) but that we're still on the same side.

All of me is reaching for you when I wake up, but last night still sits under my skin and we're too far away. Or I am. I don't know.
And I miss you. All over again.
Beyond wishing you wanted me, or wondering if you wanted me around or chiding myself for dealing us these cards to begin with,
Actually, I just miss you. I did all night and couldn't deal with it quick enough to even kiss you goodbye properly before you left for work.

So I've just crawled back into bed, cross with myself, burning my fingertips on the empty spots you're supposed to be in.

Jump into your warm mobil and run away.

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