Note to self

The more you learn about what you don't know, the more you realize what you don't know.

I don't understand what this means. I don't understand why I am here, looking, searching. I sit, excited about so much, so much, so much more.

But my problem is that I cannot sit still now, here. I am reaching for more.

I'm always reaching for more but people tell me I'm not reaching enough and I-

I don't understand this, or what it means.

I was in a place that I loved, that I wanted to be. That I wanted to be for the rest of my life, more or less, until the next thing would take me.

And what I did was that I tried-

Leapt off this platform onto another one that was supposed to bring me closer to where I wanted to be. But wasn't I there already?

Then, then while on this platform I see another. And it's not richer or greener, but it's different and new and will help me in the long run. I want to hear and learn and fill, but I can't because I can't stay still. I'm on this moving, tilting platform, dodging bullets, hanging on to corners as it flips over and over, and I know I'll be better for it eventually. I know The Next Platform, will say, "You've passed that one, come over here now."

And that platform's supposed to bring me closer to where I wanted to be.

But,

wasn't I there already?

I don't want to pick what's easier, what's simpler. Believe me, I will never settle for less.

But I, I wasn't settling was I? I wasn't telling myself to stay because there was no where else left to go and nothing else left to do.

I loved my life as much as I was in love with it.

It felt like I was there already.

And when I go back, I will be in a better place- I know this. And maybe then I'll find I can sit still longer. Maybe then I can say, "Well I did this one thing, and came back to a fuller, richer version of my life."

So stay, Charis. As long as you can.

It won't makes sense to leave too early.