Day One

In a new series we've started, recently my fav main character relapses and starts drinking again. His mates come collect him, take him home and tuck him in.

They tell him, "We gotchu man, we your Day One. We here. "

And all three friends stay, falling asleep awkwardly in chairs in the living room while he sleeps off his bender.

I damn near cried there and said "fuck what a beautiful thing to say - they must all be in the program too!"

(which was extra ironic cos they're dealers)

Then the next scene had them all partying (and drinking albeit more "responsibly") together. Which confused me, and clearly Erika too, cos she went, "I guess this means they're....aaall on Day One again?"

So OBVVY, cos we old, I went to urban dictionary thinking I'd missed something. And it's told me the obvious - that it's a commonly used phrase to indicate someone's been around for a person since day one/ day dot/ forever.

[Side note: this is the thing with new-old phrases and urban dictionary. Phrases get misused or their origins forgotten oor more recently, phrases get used as an overstatement or understatement, which deeply confuses our parents' generation, but then the more frequently they get used (sometimes ironically), the less people using it know what it was actually supposed to mean! But I digress.] 

I personally am pretty certain the phrase holds far deeper meaning. So even if Urban Dictionary never tells you this, here's what it means to me:

When you're in AA or NA, Day One is feckin' hard folks. It's hella scary, you're sometimes shaking and crying and not necessarily because you're withdrawing either - it's just confronting, you hate yourself and you want to tap out but clearly you've spent so much time tapping out you've now got a problem. 

It's the First Step you're taking, admitting you're powerless and walking into those rooms.

But it can take a while, and you can have many Day Ones. 

So in the context of the program, if someone's (there for me on) my Day One, which is the first day I have not used, they're often seeing me at my lowest and my most vulnerable.

And because Recovery is a day at a time, my sobriety today doesn't guarantee my sobriety tomorrow.

We can lapse/relapse at any time.

Some of us work hard to never have to do Day One again, and some of us, despite our best intentions, find ourselves doing Day One more times than we can forgive ourselves for. But the fact of the matter is, everyone else in the rooms has been there, we've all been on Day One and know how it feels.

But Whether it's my 1st Day One ever, or my last Day One - if I'm in the safety of the rooms saying "I'm on Day One", it always feels like I'm naked in front of a crowd. Yep, especially if you've had a few Day Ones just that year after months of being clean each time. 

So if I ever say to you:

"I'm here, I'm your Day One love "

Just know that I only ever mean it in the only context I know;

That I know what it feels like to be broken and vulnerable, to feel powerless and ashamed. To constantly feel like you're the Antagonist in the play, when you thought you were the Anti-Protagonist.

But on your Day One, whilst it might feel like you're all alone, wading through the aftermath of destruction you caused whilst in addiction, know that you're not.

And whether it's your first Day One or your last, and for all the Day Ones you might end up having, you'll never have to be alone again.

Plus, if you stick around long enough, you'll have a Day Two.

Day One

In a new series we've started, recently my fav main character relapses and starts drinking again. His mates come collect him, take him home and tuck him in.

They tell him, "We gotchu man, we your Day One. We here. "

And all three friends stay, falling asleep awkwardly in chairs in the living room while he sleeps off his bender.

I damn near cried there and said "fuck what a beautiful thing to say - they must all be in the program too!"

(which was extra ironic cos they're dealers)

Then the next scene had them all partying (and drinking albeit more "responsibly") together. Which confused me, and clearly Erika too, cos she went, "I guess this means they're....aaall on Day One again?"

So OBVVY, cos we old, I went to urban dictionary thinking I'd missed something. And it's told me the obvious - that it's a commonly used phrase to indicate someone's been around for a person since day one/ day dot/ forever.

[Side note: this is the thing with new-old phrases and urban dictionary. Phrases get misused or their origins forgotten oor more recently, phrases get used as an overstatement or understatement, which deeply confuses our parents' generation, but then the more frequently they get used (sometimes ironically), the less people using it know what it was actually supposed to mean! But I digress.] 

I personally am pretty certain the phrase holds far deeper meaning. So even if Urban Dictionary never tells you this, here's what it means to me:

When you're in AA or NA, Day One is feckin' hard folks. It's hella scary, you're sometimes shaking and crying and not necessarily because you're withdrawing either - it's just confronting, you hate yourself and you want to tap out but clearly you've spent so much time tapping out you've not got a problem. 

It's the First Step you're taking, admitting you're powerless and walking into those rooms.

But it can take a while, and you can have many Day Ones. 

So in the context of the program, if someone's (there for me on) my Day One, which is the first day I have not used, they're often seeing me at my lowest and my most vulnerable.

And because Recovery is a day at a time, my sobriety today doesn't guarantee my sobriety tomorrow.

We can lapse/relapse at any time.

Some of us work hard to never have to do Day One again, and some of us, despite our best intentions, find ourselves doing Day One more times than we can forgive ourselves for. But the fact of the matter is, everyone else in the rooms has been there, we've all been on Day One and know how it feels.

But Whether it's my 1st Day One ever, or my last Day One - if I'm in the safety of the rooms saying "I'm on Day One", it always feels like I'm naked in front of a crowd. Yep, especially if you've had a few Day Ones just that year after months of being clean each time. 

So if I ever say to you:

"I'm here, I'm your Day One love "

Just know that I only ever mean it in the only context I know;

That I know what it feels like to be broken and vulnerable, to feel powerless and ashamed. To constantly feel like you're actually the Antagonist in the play, when you thought you were the Anti-Protagonist.

But on your Day One, whilst it might feel like you're all alone, wading through the aftermath of destruction you caused whilst in addiction, you are not alone.

And whether it's your first Day One or your last, and for all the Day Ones you might end up having, you'll never have to be alone again.

Plus, if you stick around long enough, you'll have a Day Two. 

                 

                                ;

"any reason to stay, is a good reason" 

It Starts With The First Step

I found an old video on YouTube of a couple blokes down at the pub, on the phone, lying about where they were and why they were running so late. 

It was hilarious. And four years ago, I completely identified. 

That was me to à tee. 

Yet as hilarious as this still is, it's also incredibly alarming to think how easily and naturally we lie is situations like this.

It's funny, but also, is it really? 

In the year of COVID the United Kingdom reported an alcohol intake increase of 500%.

"Tips" to blow on your mug during Zoom meetings so it makes you look like you're drinking tea and not wine, or suggestions of filling your kid's sippy cup with wine in case you get pulled over whilst driving -

If someone can't stop drinking even whilst needing to get into a car to drive, is that really healthy?

Is it still funny when there's a child in the back seat and you swerve?

I know the funny bits of it; I promise I have experienced it. It's hilarious and preposterous to hear about, drunken stories are the best to listen to at parties. Until you don't hear about it because the person isn't there anymore to tell it.

I was (mostly) functional drunk. But if I couldn't imagine functioning without it, was I really, technically, functional at all?

There must be a reason we're telling these lies;

Drinking out of 750ml wine glass so we can say "I've only had one glass", having a White Russian that's more White than Russian so we can have 20 glasses instead, or saying "I'll be right, I'm only having Cider tonight" even though you've had a case.

We're lying because some part of us knows something is off before we can place it.

We're lying because some part of us is downright envious of the stranger at the party you spot nursing a Gin and Tonic the WHOLE NIGHT (and doesn't even finish it).

We're lying because some part of us thinks that if someone else knew how much we drink, like *really* knew, they might think we have a problem when obviously we don't.

We're lying because we think it'll be easier for us to look ourselves in the mirror the next morning, makeup smeared and wondering how we got here. 

Today, I am 17 months and 3 days sober.

And I got here only because I took the first step, even before I knew it was a step I could take. I got here because no matter how much I tried to run, I could never outrun myself.

I'm not talking about the occasional drinkers or the one glass a night people- because I'm not like them.

But before the one glass a night people end up becoming a few bottles an afternoon - type drinkers, I might suggest that we need to step back from normalising lying and normalising "hacks to make people think you're drinking something other than alcohol".

I might even suggest that perhaps it's time we start normalising, and I daresay, celebrating sobriety.

Normalise having the courage to deal with life on life's terms.

Celebrate being able to one day look yourself in the mirror, knowing exactly how you got there.

The World In 2020- People taking personal offence to help being offered to a community that does not include them

Most days I am generally resigned to the state of the world and the overwhelming sense of entitlement most people seem to have.

They're everywhere. This is not limited to one Country or State.

Today was one of those days I decided I had to say my piece.

Context:

Someone offering a place / sanctuary to victims of domestic violence in the Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi/ immigrant community in Australia.

Who could possibly find fault in that, you ask? 

Uh.. These. People.

People who basically have not been included because there is a Nationwide Government-funded Safety Net for the majority of them already. And I'm not saying there aren't people who fall through the cracks - I'm saying that this offering to a community in need somehow managed to be taken as a personal afront. 

So here are my thoughts:

As the author said (politely and patiently I might add) , 

"no one person's pain or suffering is comparable, but we must acknowledge the disproportionate number of South Asian / immigrant women who face abuse in their homes."

The responses to the post raising issue about the community she has chosen to specifically support are disappointing to read.

If only people could acknowledge that all our cultural backgrounds and differences play a significant factor in our perspectives.

Helping one community is never intended to negate the needs or traumas of another.

Yes, it would certainly be nice to have something like this available to all the different communities of different genders/race/sexual orientation who suffer from domestic violence - and there already are for a lot of these.

What the author of this post has burdened on her is a need to help à community she feels deeply for and where her insight has allowed her a deep understanding of the extent of trauma rippling through this community.

Again, there is so much that is specific to the South Asian Community that those outside of it cannot begin to understand. Again none of this is being said to negate anyone's traumatic experiences, wherever you come from.
Already I write this response almost certainly expecting backlash and responses from many who take offence. Yet I am hoping that in writing this, people learn to understand that one person's call to help a specific group of people does not equate holding their worth or their traumas above another group or community.

It's like the whole counter-Black Lives Matter movement (all lives matter) . Black Lives Matter was not created to mean Black lives matter *more*. And until you are a black person who has to raise your child in a world where they can be shot for the colour of their skin, you cannot imagine to understand.

Again, it's like people raising issue with Breast Cancer Awareness because "what about all the other cancers".
An awareness of one issue is not to demean all other issues.

So, we can sit here behind our screens and voice discontent at someone who is doing something to help her community (because it doesn't include all the other communities)...

Or maybe.. We can ourselves do something about it and do something to actually contribute to all these other communities that we feel need help. 

Fall

I used to dream about this.

All the time. 

Comfy couch, chilly arvo, her falling asleep in my lap; Time at a complete standstill.

It wasn't even something I needed to imagine - we had wintery lazy afternoons in Perth and I knew, that was everything I ever needed, right there.

I'm proud of myself for getting us both here, for doing exactly what I wanted or needed to do instead of spending a lifetime waiting for someone else to help get us there.

An entire childhood of feeling like you're left hanging does do that to you - fill you with this constant inexplicable desire to actually DO things and GET SHIT DONE.

If I want to go back to school - I'll make it fit with what I need so I can juggle work and studies. I'll pay for it, no one else owes it to me. 

If I want to be a mom - making sure I'm financially stable and able to give it the life it deserves. 

If I want to perform at a bar, or do a painting or have a showcase of one-person plays over the span of an hour - 

If I want something, I'll get it. 

And I guess it seemed more like an accidental by-product of circumstance that I never stopped to give myself credit. But here, now, six months in our new home, together and filled with a happiness I thought I had long forgotten - she crawls into my lap, dozing off as we watch telly and I run my fingers through her hair. 

She is so much more settled here. So much more sure of herself. 

And I... 

I keep taking it all in. 

For once, not second-guessing this happiness. Not wondering if I'm fooling myself into thinking that I won't eventually lose it. 

My favourite season is round the corner. 

And, just like leaves start falling in love with the ground, 

I find myself falling in love with life, 

All over again. 

You've got me slightly disappointed..

Just a bit. 

And just enough... 

To keep me up another night 

Waiting 

For 

Another 

Day 

I think I know now,

You're not home 

Santa Monica Dreamin'

I haven't talked about it, how excited I am in this flurry of new things and plans but also overwhelming loneliness.

Because isn't it insane, how many conversations you can keep having and how many opportunities you keep creating to talk, but you realise you're not really saying anything anymore.

It's funny, how you keep running around doing all these other things for everyone else but you feel like there's nothing left for you.

But it's also sad, how you feel like it's something you've talked about, and tried to talk about except there's stopped being a point.

So.

So in a roomful of people, you post an old picture of being out at sea and wonder if maybe you'll fall into bad habits again of leaving messages for strangers

And, 

wondering if those bottles will ever find their way to shore.

Notes From A Teenager, A Decade On

It's been years since I've gone on one of those highly opinionated endless rants, raving at the injustice of the world. Or the education system.

But today, on Facebook no less, there was a prompt to share a memorable one-liner from our teachers.

Someone answered it, and in the comments were an endless stream of similar stories. 

Belittling, horrible mean things that were PERSONAL ATTACKS to these individuals when they were kids. 

Including someone who was referred to as an "Ang Moh Pai" (White person wannabe) who would never excel at the Chinese language.

(ps, said person now regularly works with suppliers and manufacturers across the China border) 

All of which are basically things I've had firsthand experience of, growing up in the education system in Singapore.

My shared post became a rant that I thought deserved to be published alongside all my other rants and rails against the world. 

This, but also the stories in the comments is what gets me. Being raised in the eduction system here - we all have those stories.

From being yelled at across the rooftop gym

"CHARIS NG DO YOU WANT TO BE FAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE"

to

"Your parents must be so disappointed in you" /

"Girls you don't want to go to EM3 that's where are the kids from broken families go." /

"(snide scoff) and who, might I ask, has faith in - you -?"

Even, get this:

"But you must know, I am right because I am your teacher and I am older than you." 

If you ask me why I deliberately went back and spent 9 years teaching in the Singapore system, it's because in a world of

 " No" and

 "You'll never be good enough" and

 "Class, just leave him alone - he's autistic, he is always going to crawl around the classroom like an animal. Just ignore him."

I wanted every kid I ever taught to know that they're worth it, and that there's something they can be good at.

During introductions, at the start of every single one of my programs, when kids mumble their names and say they don't have a hobby and that they "have nothing to say",

The first few things I tell every single one of them is:

1) they deserve to be heard; I want to hear what they have to say 

2) there's no right or wrong answer in my class.

If they wanna make Roméo & Juliette a tale about intercultural romance, or a gay love story where their parents come together to persecute them - go ahead.

And every single piece I've ever seen in all my classes over 9 years, has been successful and amazing and something they can be proud of. 

----

My youngest sister at 8 years old, came home from school one day to tell me about à classmate who

"Isn't very blessed".

"What?!" I asked, "I'm sure she's 'blessed' in ways that are different from what you can see."

"hmm. No" she told me definitively.

"My teacher told my class that's she's just not very blessed. She comes to school and her uniform isn't ironed and her shoes are kinda dirty."

"Well maybe she's blessed with talents like art or math or..."

"No, she's not good at maths or Chinese. I mean Chinese she's okay. But my teacher (WTF RIGHT?!?!) says she's just not very blessed. She only lives with her father at home, she doesn't have a mother."

To which i had to say,

"Well, when I was your age in primary school, (our) daddy didn't live with jiejie either. I only had my mummy. Do you think I'm not blessed?"

Because seriously,

If this is what I'll get, putting my kids into local schools, and local methodist schools at that,

Then honestly,

Fuck you.

Fuck you because I'd rather my kids get arrested starting protests for something they believe in, than graduate with top grades and zero humanity.

----

When we were in school, my best friends and I were the subject of lots of blog trolling by the disciplinary committee. 

One, because lots of us were gay and if we were doomed to eternal damnation the school thought we deserved to have a taste of that damnation in our youth, whether we did well in school or not. 

But also, presumably, because we wrote and had mouths on us and teenage life is the best time to teach kids the meaning of defamation and the charges they can bring.

So imagine that, whether online or offline, everything we wrote or said or even hinted at came under scrutiny. Our opinions could, and would get us into trouble.

And guys, I'm not even being dramatic here okay, because we've been hauled into discipline offices, had our parents called in, been made to take down posts - you name it. 

So, now here we are. 

Close to two decades after that period of time with pseudonyms and delicately phrasing what we wanted to say, or not saying it at all. 

And this time, 

I hope my old teachers find it. I hope it makes for a lovely weekend read for them.

Because this isn't me, being a sullen vindictive teenager trying to flame the system. This is me, the same individual, still heavily scarred by all the things that system was. 

This is me saying, openly, 

That every day that I woke up and went to school (on the days I fought it off lone enough to get to school) I wished desperately that a car would hit me. I crossed the road slower, I stepped off the curb too early all the time, and I cut myself up in the toilet in between classes since I was 13.

I wished so fervently that I would be either dead or stuck in a hospital, because that would be better than bring caught in their endless cycle of bullshit. 

And now... 

Now I have kids, until I stopped teaching, I had kids, who sit with me, trying to find the words for the intense migraine and the suicidal thoughts that play on loop in their heads -

And they ask me why. 

Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it?

Perhaps that is one question they will be able to teach us all in class. 

New Beginnings, New Learning Curves

But always the same shadows that hold you back and weigh you down

At some point, after nine years of teaching and creating drama-based learning programs, after 20 years of theatre being all the things I knew myself to be,

after always finding my way back home to the stage - the most honest and real space there is- 

I decided to leave.

Well, no, not leave entirely. I think about it more like a time-out.

What I did want to do was leave the teaching behind.

There are so many beautiful moments I have collected along the way, and hours of stories that I have with the most talented teenagers I know; But you can't just stay in a happy bubble all the time.

Politics aside (which was a huge push factor), I also believe that you can't stay stagnant for very long. If you're not moving forwards, you're moving backwards. I still love a lot of all the things I used to do; But I also knew that I wasn't opening myself up to different challenges that would grow me in different ways.

So I left.

And it has been a year now.

2017's SYF was my wrap up project, and here I am. Almost miles away from that life and all the things it meant.

And boy, I don't know if I knew what I was signing up for.

I mean, of course I knew. But I don't know if I really knew, d'you know what I mean?

There are all these very new and nice moments that I like, but also a lot of truth in the world of headhunting that I am coming to terms with.

Like how a desk is never really warm. It's a brilliant company, where all the desks are supposed to be warm and where you're supposed to be able to get a decent start.

I don't know if anyone knows how much that applies to the Digital Space.

If you're a digital native, reading this, you very likely get it.

If there's been a trending topic on Twitter all day, and then you check in at 6.10pm and try and hop on to that, it's already pretty cold news.

Things move incredibly quickly. But also growing up in that age has birthed startups and young companies who also function like that.

Like what?

Like fluid and agile, all the time. Openly admitting that there's no point planning for anything beyond three months because those plans could and probably will change. Learning (sometimes the hard way), how to develop slightly more structured lines of communication.

How every non-micro-manager is actually a little bit of a micro-manager in their own way. Whether that works or doesn't work again depends on the environment and the team dynamic and the culture and the...

Throw in a headhunter into the mix; you're going to need someone who is patient and who wants to grow with you and the company. Who's not in it for a quick buck; because if they were they would be sorely disappointed. 

I want to be that person.

And I have managed to be, for some people I'm working together with.

Things like these can move incredibly fast, but it could also... not.

Poor visibility, lack of funding...

It's going to make a lot more sense to target the massive conglomerates. The ones who you already know leverage off the help and expertise of recruitment agencies. But getting your foot in there, educating those who are behind on the digital landscape, knowing the fine line of difference there sometimes is but then having to explain that to people who don't.

Or who's online marketing plan is to set up a LinkedIn account and share posts.

I'm not tired yet. Not yet.

I'm a little bit emotional drained, only because of the realistic, number-driven, KPI-expectation side of this job.

But I believe in sowing seeds, and talking to them everyday as they take root beneath the soil and grow in place we cannot even see yet.

Surely, there will be a time and a season for harvest.

But,

It is not right now.

Flashback

Isn't it funny- The many pieces of ourselves we leave behind with others. And lifetimes later, we see each other through pièces of glass; these distorted versions we barely recognise,

Holding distorted pieces of us. 

Blink and you'll miss it

There are days I am afraid to go to sleep because I am so sad

Look at the stars

And how they shine for you

But the ways words fall to pieces In our hands, and tears swim in front of our eyes and suddenly

We're bursting at the seams. 

I talked about the time I had you, and I laugh but then
There are parts of me that still break a little bit inside.

[My sister. My best friend. And everything else. ]

"She's not coming" you say, throwing your phone across the sofa

"Neither is she" I respond, impassively. 

"So"

"So."

"Kawfee?"

"Kawfee."

My grandmother's stories (part I)

"I'm sorry, I missed a step."
"That's okay, I think it was me- I wasn't thinking straight"
"We're old, it happens. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, it's okay. We can take it slow. We're old, we've got time."

Dear Singapore

It's one of those days again:

I'm on my way out the country to a destination frequented by Singaporean folk. We're still in the country and we were just having a discussion on multi-culturalism versus interculturalism. What also came up was the attacking and general resentment of foreign immigrants- whether blue collared or white collared. The family and I were just relating our own tales of being subject to behaviour of this sort. (Of course not leaving out moments when a Singaporean HAS come to our defensive and such)

The table next door seems to have overheard us and has proceeded to switch to mandarin and begin speaking horribly of us- presumably because they figure we can't understand.
"她们la-那个angmoh 的"
"都是这样的lor."
They have also proceeded to (in a failed attempt) discreetly take pictures of us.


I guess I'm really sad. Just really, really sad.
Despite never having felt at home in this country, there is still so much I have grown to appreciate and love immensely. And there are so many people who I've met here, spent most of my life with, people who have Contributed to making me more of a person than I could've ever hoped to become.
There are so many good people here, so many genuine and friendly and loving Singaporeans I could never imagine doing life without.

But then things like this happen and I realize:
It doesn't matter how much I love what I have here or how sincerely grateful and blessed I feel to have gotten to live and and spent time in Singapore. Sure she's got her shortcomings- but name me a place that doesn't?
Yet despite that, it doesn't seem enough.
Never mind that I contribute to the society (I'd like to think), and the economy. Never mind that I teach in local schools and Strive towards igniting a love for the English language and literature and the arts. Never mind that I am burdened with continuous want to remind teenagers here that they are enough, that they are talented in their own ways and that I want to be a source of encouragement where they often feel like they only ever do things wrong. Never mind that some part of me (I have come to realize) truly does care about this society and the people who've been ostracized...
Moments like these, or incidences where even now, in the year 2015 I still have been told to my face,
"Stupid foreigner go back to your own country"-
It just makes me realize
I'm not welcome here, am i?
We aren't welcome.

And so,
When my kids ask me
"Ms C but why? Why Singapore..? Why would you want to live here?"
And I smile and say,
"Now isn't that the million dollar question, hey?"
I'm not saying it with resentment or any amount of snark. I'm saying it with a very special level of sadness and heartache that was formed and only belongs here.

Having said all this though, I refuse for my posts to sound so bloody tragic. So I'd like instead to take time here to say thank you to all the amazing Singaporeans I have come to know and love here. So many of you are my go-to people and I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for you. And even when I go off on rants like these, please know that whenever I am asked why I'm still living here,
I think of you.

Once upon an August 26th-

You would've been just a little over six now,
And life would've been unfathomable without you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow. 
I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 
I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush 
I am the swift uplifting rush 
Of quiet birds in circled flight. 
I am the soft stars that shine at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry; 
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Bonne chance

Choosing to leave plasters on for as long as I need to so that I may heal.

Ça va très bien, merci

i haven't felt this settled for a while.

Left the lights on

It was a long way back,
but there's nowhere else I'd rather be than
Home.

Hey stranger

Because you remind of the person I was, and everything I'm supposed to be. 

Breaking point

Ledge. Air. Wind.
I am so afraid of heights and yet, when I think of ways out I think of

Parapets, corners, bridges, too many levels up and the way I cannot hear my tears fall against the concrete floor.
If my body falls, will it make a sound?
And if it doesn't, does it mean it's actually fallen at all?

Did you know,
You can fall in love in so many ways.
And did you know? Even after, you can keep falling in love...
Over and over and over again.
But did you also know that you can keep Falling and you tell yourself it doesn't hurt but Jesus Christ it does and you wish you wouldn't hurt, wish you could outrun this bullshit
But then you're numb numb numb
And sitting on the couch with your coffee wishing for the first time that you had your tears and your sadness-
Do you know why?
Because it's all that's left of her.
And that matters.
It's almost like, all that sadness caused by that absence..
That absence of her...
That's all you have left.

That's all you've got left darling.

Pink Dot 2015

Today, I was part of the 28,000 people gathered at this amazing event. I've received looks of alarm when I admit I haven't been before. Perhaps because I've never been the sort to shove my flag in people's faces, and I kinda wondered if this would be doing that. But then today I realized it's really just a big happy party of families and children and grass and dogs and balloons and picnics and wine and love. Just an outpouring of so much love- it's so heartening to see heterosexual couples come, to see families and their children be there. Because their being there screams "you deserve all this love as much as we do". 

Also having chilled out picnics, good conversation, listening to good writers and speakers- that's really what we do. There isn't any gay agenda. If there was, that would probably be it: chill out, have awesome picnics and good conversations with people you love. And just, be. 

Secret

And then,
I can feel all these things
Such that if
You ask me if I feel sorry,
The answer is
No. I don't.

Because finally,
I can feel again.

Relativity.

So really, in relation to the big big bigggggggger picture of all of it-

What? What is this really?

I know you don't know. It's not fair. But okay, I've done my part in shielding you from things and today...

Today, this hurts. 

So much I can feel it. 

And baby,

That's really saying something. 

Godfuckingdammit,someonegivemeasmokenow

Wish you were here.
Wish it was you.
Wish I made more sense



Period

Grams and milligrams

Fact of the day: they don't tell you it won't fix the pain.

Pick it up, pick it all up. And start again.

You've got a warm heart,

you've got a beautiful brain.

But it's disintegrating,

from all the medicine.

from all the medicine.

from all the medicine.

Medicine.

You could still be,

what you want to be,

What you said you were,

when you met me.

When I met you. 

That's a fine looking high horse

It's not so much about the cards you have as much as it is how you play them

Beginnings of endings and endings of

How do you even begin to say goodbye,

When it feels like you haven't even finished your hellos yet?

Beginnings

This heaviness.
In the pit of my stomach. Weighing me down

Weighing me down.

I believe

You hold my world

In the palm of Your hand

Tell me

Where I went wrong
and how do I fix it?

Off days

Wish you were here
Wish we were honest
Wish we were okay
Wish there was more to us
Than this

Step 01

I am learning to get better,
To find balances, to breathe easier,
To drink my morning coffee without crying for half an hour
To sit on the empty couch without doing a double take realizing you're not there.

I am trying to get to know myself again;
Trying to listen to my body and what it needs and wants
Learning to respect it
Giving myself time to understand it better.


Mostly,
I am trying to learn to not be so sad.

"I'm gone"

But ma chérie,
What if I'm not?

Jukebox

Old songs on repeat,

Staring glassy-eyed, over the rim of my sixth glass, no, seventh,

And losing track of the beginning of my thoughts when I get to the end. 

There is hope, however little,

Of finding my footing

And happier days

And glimpses of light at the end if the tunnel

Lots of writing, dreaming

But mostly getting from one day to the next without accidentally tripping into oncoming traffic. 

Bouncing around between bad days and not-so-bad,

Somewhere between tragically sad and numb,

Looking for the next foothold to grab on to. 

But of course, in the meantime,

Before those glimpses of light come,

We find ourselves staring at the bottom of our sixth, no, seventh glass

And 

Hoping. 

Cue. 

Now playing: happy music 

Spinning in a teacup

And we're just going in circles aren't we?
Around and around and around and around
Sometimes it doesn't feel like we're going anywhere
We're just going around and around and around
Until you've spun away, I've lost your teacup
I'm in my own, alone,
Just going in circles.

Around and around and around and around

Here's a joke:

So one day you come to the conclusion that you've officially reached the maximum amount of hurt you can feel.
And that kinda sucks but it's also like,
No really, it can't get anymore painful than this.

And then
Something else comes around and you're like.
Oh wait, hey,
It can actually get more painful.


you're the joke.

I've stood on rooftops looking down,
afraid-
Not of what happens if I jump
But what will happen if I don't.

I'm only gonna

Break break
Break break
Your heart

But don't let me forget
All the songs I will write

Words from an ex lover

"I will not ask you to stay

If you must go, go
I don't need you
I will breathe (carefully) without you
I will smile (slowly) without you
I will go on (eventually) without you

I'd be much happier
If you chose to not leave,
But if you must let go, let go
And I will too

And hopefully one day
I will teach my heart to not break
Whenever everyday thoughts
Lead to you

I'm afraid I'm much too weak,
I'm afraid we'll always be
A book with the end pages ripped out,
I'm afraid I'll always wonder,
Always ache,
Always place everyone second to you

I'm afraid I'll always love you 

But I will not ask you to stay."

Fucking wreck

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rearview

Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny
Just to be near you

Far, far away

This girl,
She doesn't know where she's at anymore.








"It would've been illegal not to come over and talk to you"

But there is promise in the way he holds me.

I'm All Left Turns

So this is what I've been up to at work-

It's our final show tonight and tickets are still available. 

It has also been quite an experience teaching and working with the participants of  Miss C's Little Blackbox - with it all leading up to this!

In our devised piece

I'm All Left Turns (and I don't know which is right).

We explore how our parents got to being the people they are today, and summon the courage to tell them all the things we wish they knew.

Cast:

Stefi Ooi

Gopi Arivalakan

Ambry Nurhayati

Seah Bei Ying

Emil Ong

Directed by Charis Vera

Written & Conceptualised by Charis Vera & Marvin Wong, together with the actors of Ms C's Little Blackbox.

Tickets available on:

http://littleblackbox-all-left-turns.peatix.com

We'd love to see you there(:

Writing letters that I know won't reach you

My ghost

Where'd you go?

I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me

My ghost

Where'd you go?

What happened to the soul, that you used, to be?

Sitting with your demons and choosing not to fight

"Are you alright?"

However much time you've spent running away,
You'll never outrun yourself.

And when it feels like most of your time is spent fighting off everything else,
really, the last person you want to fight is yourself.

And then,
There is calm.
Just like you used to know.

yes,
I'm alright.
I thought I used to know how to get myself there
It's relief that I never forgot.

So,
"Yes, yes I am."

Shelter

I find shelter, in this way

Under cover, hide away

Can you hear, when I say?

I have never felt this way

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Could I be, was I there?

It felt so crystal in the air

I still want to drown, whenever you leave

Please teach me gently, how to breathe

And I'll cross oceans, like never before

So you can feel the way I feel it too

And I'll mirror images back at you

So you can see the way I feel it too

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

Maybe I had said, something that was wrong

Can I make it better, with the lights turned on

still

Adventure is out there, it's heading our way
So grab your scarf and goggles, let's fly!
I've mapped out our journey, we're up here to stay.
A sunset is our home
A moonbeam we will own

My Spirit of Adventure is you!

And then this pain comes, searing into flesh and cutting through bone like it's cloth.

Unsteady and shaking, it is all she can do to hang on to these words.
But all she knows is this unfathomable, ineffable pain that's burning the inside of her veins, eating away at all the things that keep her together.

Forces a smile she knows you cannot see, managing a
"Nothing"
Because that, that's kinda what it is. It isn't anything until you make it something. And it isn't supposed to be anything to begin with anyway.



Nothing.
It's nothing,
It's nothing, it's nothing.

And if she says it enough,
maybe it'll dull all the razor sharp blades that feel like they're running patterns on the inside of her skin,
Maybe it'll stop the way she hates herself for feeling all the things she does,
Maybe it'll make her feel less like an idiot,
Like she is the biggest fool in a game she didn't ask to play.


It's nothing.
It's nothing.
It's nothing.

Sleeping with the lights on

On the days I miss you most,
I watch an endless stream of cooking shows, teary eyed and nursing too many glasses of gin and tonic.


And I wait.

Just because.

For you,
The answer will always be yes.

Waking to absence

And I hang on to whatever I have left,
Even as it falls to pieces in my hands.

Undercover, Under covers

Weave me into the threads of your stories, stitch me into your patchwork of adventures. Let me hold you together in the ways you unravel me.

If you want me

Are you really here?

Or am I dreaming

I can't tell dreams from truth

For it's been so long

Since I have seen you

I can hardly remember your face anymore 

Run

While I powder my nose,

He will powder his gums,

And if I try to get close,

He is already gone,

Don't know where he's going,

I don't know where he's been.

But he is restless at night,

Cause he has horrible dreams.

So we lay in the dark,

Cause we've got nothing to say.

Just the beating of hearts,

Like two drums in the grey.

I don't know what we're doing,

I don't know what we've done.

But the fire is coming,

So I think we should run.

I think we should 

Mismatch

You will never say all the right things, at just the right time.
Or sit beside me and breathe and tell me, just by being here, that it will be okay.
You cannot reach for me and have me lean into your touch,
Feeling for the one right thing in a world going wrong.

And that's not your fault.
It's not your fault that you cannot fit in all the ways another has before,
Or that you don't make my breath catch at the thought of you.
It's not your fault
That someone can be all the things you need them to be, for you,
But you can't be that for them.

And I'm sorry,
That as much as you want to be,
You can't.

Dull throb

The rope slipped from my hands so quick I was left with burns
And when they blistered I started to cry
Because that meant in time, it would hurt less, and eventually go away.
And I cannot say I'd know who I am without the pain.

Also,
Most days,
This ache is all I have left of you
And I don't want to lose that too.

The unclaimed

Sometimes
I wonder if you can spend so much time looking for something that's lost, that you forget what it was to begin with.

And then I wonder,
When you do find it, will you even recognize it?

Will that even matter by then?

Looking for a way out,
Or a way back in.
Depending on how you look at it.




And some boxes,
They're never meant for being opened. Ever.

Lying on the Moon

It's a dark and stormy place
But with you, my dear,
I'm safe and we're a million miles away.

If we just went with what felt nice all the time,
That would fuck things up for some people.

She always knew my name.

Her voice is cold, familiar, snaking itself around and pulling me to her. 

She was the echo off comforting bathroom floors, the constant gentle murmur that would find me when the flush of toilets drowned out all thought. 

There are so many days you have fooled yourself into thinking you've run far enough away,

Until she finds you. 

And oh, she always knows where to find you. 

All the girls wanna

One button at a time

Boy, don't you have fine designs 

You're working overtime 

Whipped

Couldn't hide it if I tried

And I start back at One

She's all commas and semi-colons, ellipses and periods
Tripping up on all the questions that play on the edge of her tongue and
Finding spaces between sentences for doubt to paint ugly pictures
Until
She wanders, eyes closed, back into places of safety.
Back to a place where she can find proper footing,
Back to where it is okay to take a breath
And
Start. again.

If you can't actually see the pain you're feeling,
Are you really feeling it at all?

She laughs way too loud, drinks way too much wine
Stumbling precariously along dirt roads in life
She holds your hand just a little too tight
But she smiles just a little bit when someone says "you're mine"

And there are stories she saves
For quiet midnight moons
Songs she sings when she's alone in her room

You don't have to be broken
To know how to break
Silences that echo, that echo with hate
Embedded so deep in the cracks of her bones
The ones she runs her fingers along
When she's all alone

And you don't have to say all the things you don't mean
You don't have to help her paint
such picturesque dreams

Because I'll bet she can unravel
All the prettiest lies
And still mean it when she says,
She'll stay through the night

Shelter

Can I make it better,
With the lights turned on?

Collectives

Groups.
Herds.

Crash.
A crash of rhinoceros.


Improbability.
An improbability of puffins.



An improbability.

Adventure is out there

And so it begins-
One who's packing his life into boxes,
Another who's doing so much work from behind a screen she hardly feels productive some days..

It is as mortifyingly scary as it is thrilling and exciting,
But here we are.

On the precipice of beginning something that holds so much promise,
So much wonder and anticipation of the stories waiting to be told.

I've always been in love with theatre and the process of drama-making.
And someone (wise, I'm sure) did say,
To spread the love.

Wintery nights in Osaka

"Haven't you ever felt like that?"
"Like...? I don't know?"
"Like that's all you'll ever need. Like this one person- and that's all."

Evenings spent by quiet waters

And time warps that worked their magic

"Couldn't it be me that you pick?"

Always the fool

I don't know what you're saying-
It's like your written words are a rush of white noise
While my voice
Has gone coarse
with things I have asked too many times

So remind her how to breathe
Go on, make her believe
What else is there to hold on to,
When we stand on such shaky ground?


I don't know what you're saying-
Your written words are a rush of white noise
And I know a girl, poised-
Waiting
To catch your truth in all its varying shades
Holding tight
With her cut up fingers and cut up hands
Hoping
to feel whole again.

The wanderer II

It's like I woke up,
And found myself at home
And right where I'm supposed to be

I don't know if I'm strong enough now

So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul

And I'm drinking them down, With cheap alcohol

And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking

And part of this terrible mess that I'm making

And I,

I'm the catalyst. 

"She's right you know"
"That..?"
"Wintry nights get to you. All the time."
"Or you're being Sappy little bitch."

"And you're just pretending not to be."

Freeze your bones

So empty that it hurts

Winter

And we were in flames, I needed, I needed you

To run through my veins, like disease, disease

And now we are strange, strangers

Wait for me to degrade before

You go

Killing prey for

Waste of

Daylight

Speaks when

Slumber's keeping

Under the bed

Out of revenge

I'm derailing

My youth has stained our sheets

With some piece of me

With some piece of me

Oh, winter comes

Oh, winter crushed all of the things that I once loved

It's just medicine

How much sad can one person hold?
And what do you with all that sad?
Because whether you're warm and at home, surrounded by people you know actually love you,
Or far away, feeling cold in all senses of the word, and alone and emptied out-
It's still the same, isn't it?

And how can you love someone you don't know?

How can you know me,
When there are too many days where I realize,
I don't think i know myself?

Getting lost in big cities where no one knows your name

"It would've been illegal not to come over and talk to you."

Because I'm just a girl

Pick me
Choose me

Love
Me

--------------------

All this talk about laying claim..
When the strings I have, are only the ones I choose to keep.

Silly little girl, stupid little girl

Waking up far, far away and realizing that I can never outrun the sting of your words.

Ashes

Is there a chance

A fragment of light 

At the end of the tunnel

A reason to fight

Is there a chance

That you'll change your mind?

Or are we ashes and wine

Dear world

Stop asking me questions,
Or tell me I can "talk about it" when
There's nothing to talk about

There isn't.

I would go in endless circles and end up back in square one
There is nothing within my control, not anymore
And if I stopped for a half second long enough to place what I feel,
I am only reminded of how I cannot and shouldn't.

Dear world,
It isn't always black and white,
You know that full well.
But even grey has its shades
And sometimes things fall on such in-betweens of the colour spectrum that we cannot see but know is there

Dear world,
You don't have to stop for me,
Or pretend that you will
Because you won't.
Things keep spinning and I will step on and off every so often

Sure,
There are nights I feel like I'm the only one left spinning,
And on a completely different axis, at that.
Sometimes I wake up to better days than others
And sometimes I wonder why the night before didn't just take me with it.

But for one who has always encouraged an endless stream of talking until things make sense-
This is not something I feel i can ever make sense of, at least not right now.

So world,
Just don't right now okay?
Just don't.

C

You learn all the ways you can fall in love again

Honesty is a bottle of gin

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
When you know I really tried
To be a better one to satisfy you for you're everything to me
And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

It's a quarter after one

I'm a little drunk
And I need you now.

Love

Oh all the things that are wrong to feel
And all the things
That are not real

The end of my rapidly fraying rope

So jump,
Why don't you?
To reach all the places you think are too far to feel.

Come,
I dare you.

You can't lose,
It's true-
When you take on all the things
The voices say you cannot do.

Ears that ring with numbness

Trust me.
You can't hurt me anymore than this
And how it's broken me in more ways than I know how to count

Help me place this pain

It sits in all the places I didn't know existed
All these drinks and smokes do nothing to erase this
Knowing-
that I am not the one you choose. This Feeling
That I will always lose
This game I don't know how to play
These words, I'm not supposed to say, so..
Darling, teach me how to cope
Knowing I
Am not allowed to hope
Tell me what
To expect, that now
We need to choose the hats
That make us different persons
And
I'm standing, on grounds that shake
I question, where I am and then pick
only choices that make me
Fuzz out
All the things I'm reading
Cos baby,
You do such a job
Of keeping
Me numb and breaking
Along fault lines
I thought stopped existing

Because you taught me how to be still, and come

"So Can You" was a short that I came on board for just a little while ago.
Nicely written and beautifully shot, I cannot express how thrilled I was to be part of this production. Getting to work with the same horses I'd gotten so close to in the last few years was also a huge perk for me- It was new and exciting, to see two different bits of my life kinda come together the way it did.

It's funny how stuff works but being able to share what I have personally experienced and also watched unfold in children who have gone through the program is something that meant a whole lot to me.

I hope you enjoy it just as much as we did making this!

To the amazing people who were behind this- thank you and working with you guys was nothing short of fun and wonderful.

Special Thanks of course, must go to
Damiro, who is SUCH a handsome boy and steals the show. Thank you for being so patient and lovely
And Lili who always came out to cuddle right on cue and who is the prettiest girl in the film.


And to the one who first taught me to come as I am, in all my self-doubt and vulnerability, who helped me learn again what it meant to just, be..
Thank you,
for bringing me to where I am today.




So Can You - A Short Film from Warrior9 on Vimeo.

Here in these deep city lights

In a city that used to wow me because it made me feel so far away from everyday life,

I find myself looking up at starless skies looking for all the paths i used to know would lead me back to where I'd feel grounded. 

----------------------

I can do this-

Let me?

----------------------

Girl could get lost

Tonight 

Home

Embarking on journeys,
Looking..
When i already know just where I want and need to be.

And I know that in the morning, I'll have to let you go

But where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying.

Don't listen to a word I say

(The screams all sound the same)

You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear

All that's left is the ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

-- monsters and men

If you want me

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes

a lover that sighs

Fine, I'll be just fine.

Wandering empty streets
And looking into gardens
Trying not to see you in every single thing I pass.

How

How
Can I forget your love?
How can I never see you again?
How can I ever know
Why some stay, others go
When I don't
I don't want you to go?

There's not one moment
I'd erase.
You are a guest here now.

I have never known a trip more bittersweet, more full and yet filled with such aching emptiness at the same time. 

I have never laughed more than I have this week in the last three months, and I have never known I could feel so much like I am breaking apart at the same time. 

I hope you know,

I've left my heart with you. 

If this is giving up, then I'm giving up

Driving away from the wreck of the day and the light's always red in the rearview

-----------------------------

You know what Charis-

How about you just get your shit together okay?

Just get your shit together.