Sunday, February 13, 2011

It's Sunday

I'm always a little bit daunted when I think about the Monday that will come, and the days that will follow Monday.
Not because I don't like what I do, everyone knows how in love I am with my job. It's just that Mondays always feel tiring, even before they've rolled around.

My weeks though, they whirr past me in a blur, and more often than not, before I know it, I'm looking at Christmas lights and going shopping.

Alexis has signed up for BootCamp II's June intake.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Yes, for right now I'm focused and I know exactly what's happening.
There is SYF, there are my kids and I love them to bits. When I just finished Actors' Boot Camp 1, I sorta thought, well it's so film-based that I could do without it.
And I can.
In the long run, I don't suppose I need it.
But I think what I get out of it is being chucked right into something. Watching myself find my footing, watching other people find theirs. Sussing things out, growing, finding yourself and watching others find themselves too.

I'm not in LA.
and no, I don't think I'd want to break into the LA market. But there are things that I miss and that I have been missing.
I haven't been acting for such a while, it gets to me. I watch my kids, day in and day out. I watch them, I make them watch me and I'm thinking-
I could do this.
Give me something small, let me play with it. Let me sit down with my character, dissect expound and expand. Let me give her depth. Let me do it.
Let me bring her to life.

It's not for a lack of opportunities. It's just that. I sorta really don't have the time.
Not for me.
Feels like I've been on the freeway this last four years. And damn right, it's the right one. But different exits keep coming up and I'm refusing to let myself be distracted or side-tracked. And at the beginning, that was a good thing.
Now I'm old and I'm still going eighty and I'm thinking-
"I thought my life was supposed to be made up of all these things I'd find when I take random exits."
Except I just didn't after a while because it's easier to keep to the road you're on and give yourself excuses to not go off for a bit.

Two months ago was my last Sunday in LA. Three months ago was a Sunday I spent recovering and baking and walking about. At least I think that was it.

I came back here, to Singapore, after a while away. Just sorta chucked my suitcase in a corner, rolled up my sleeves and jumped right back in.
I haven't given myself time to miss what I left behind, have actively refused to sit down and think about what'll come up after May.

Sometimes, all I realize-
I don't know. I don't know anymore.
That makes me a tad insecure. But more than that, it kinda makes me a bit sad.

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