Sunday, April 22, 2012

React, or Respond- your pick

It's over now. I can breathe a bit, I think. The final run we had, on top of it being very different from anything we'd done before was also a two-day craze. It wasn't like we'd rehearsed for months and TA-DA, this is it. That was for the first show on Wednesday, and then it's like we had to go through tunnels and secret passages and jump over secret codes, avoid swinging blades to finally get to last night.

It's April. With less than ten days til its end.
In the four months that have gone by, all the things that I have learnt have been experiential. All the things I have learnt have come from dealing with stuff being hurled at me from school, from racing around like a madman two hours before a show asking for empty bottles, from watching lines of pain get etched in the faces of people close to me as I've worked between crumbling and throwing myself into whatever is at hand.

I don't want to be an actor.
I did, very much, as a child. I grew up on film sets, in acting classes, in improvising mime scenes when I'd be caught zoning out while in those acting classes. But I don't want to be an actor. At least, not just an actor.
There's so much more that I feel like I have to do. And sure, sometimes it's really nice to just get on set and work with people who you can trust and just, be directed. But somehow, as I have grown, I've found it increasingly hard to do that. To find people that you can just step into a space with, breath out and go, "You take the wheel, and I'm on board."
No one's perfect and we all make mistakes, yes- I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for some sign that you are human. That this isn't just all about you.
And I am afraid of becoming like that. Because it would appear to me, that the only way to survive it is to play the exact same game. To count your hours and your time and your money, to not want to go that extra mile because when people realize you've got an extra mile to give, they want to take your next three. And then- I'm sorry, we're over-running again, the next four maybe, or five.

I am tired now. I woke up tired. I am so, so drained and it's like, I think I can breathe after this, but (and I've always known this) the end of Love Song is only the first domino getting pushed. For the next month or so, I don't know where I'll be very much. It's really quite scary.

Because we all fall down.

I promise to be a person, before anything else.

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