"Who are you my country?" did you ask? Not this place, my friend.

So due to a huge number of requests from invisible lovestruck fans who pour over the details of my everyday life, I decided to come clean about my whole
I hate Singapore, but oh it's not so bad, but UGH get me the fuck out of here but oh, I'll never forget it because I kind of grew up here -thing.

Yes, I am biased and judgmental.
Why, you ask? No, wait that wasn't right.
*pause for dramatic effect and spins around wildly on right heel*
WHY, YOU ASK?

Well for starters, I never asked to be moved here. And very few people were nice to me until I told them my mom was an actress and, after my first tv appearance, told them I could get them on tv too. Which of course, I couldn't because all I did in TCS, as it was still called back then, was hole up in a freezing cold room and watch Hercules until I fell asleep and mommy was done being an ah ma in Growing Up.

So all my time in Singapore has been spent punctuating my sentences, not with swear words, surprisingly, but with "Oh because it's Singapore."
Wanted to go for a swim and it rains? Because it's Singapore.
Arriving at work with once-stiff-but-now-wilted-collars? Because it's Singapore.
Got picked on in school for correcting teacher's English? Because it's Singapore! (this bit is true, btw)

But, meaness aside, I don't really hate Singapore as much as I do.
Yes I am bias. Yes I want to get far far away from this country. But only because I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to be here. Plus, once I'm out of here, I'll come back for holidays!
It's like how you really love your parents but you can't stand them at the same time.
But the moment you move out and stop destroying each other's brains, you pop by every weekend for dinner and a game of chess?
Kind of like that. Except parents don't smell half as bad. (just kidding, swear to God)

So, biasness and shit aside, here's ten reasons for why I love Singapore and why, after that, I dislike Singapore.

Why I love Singapore:

1) All my best friends are here. The best friends without whom I would be absolutely nothing, the best friends who would slap me for cutting myself and save me from potentially std-carrying men.
My best friends are like an entire miniature country on their own! They're so different from the usual Singaporeans that having known them is like, without a doubt, the best thing that's ever ever happened to me in Singapore. Followed closely by...

2) The independent arts scene. If we weren't in Singapore, mommy wouldn't have gotten into acting and infected me. And if i hadn't caught the acting bug, I'd never have been in the school musical and been driven to act some more both in and outside of school.
On top of that, the arts scene in Singapore is quite small, so everybody knows everybody and it's relatively easy to get around and learn. Granted, most of the well-known local celebs cannot act to save their fake eyelashes and local channels always only use the well-known faces.
However, it is because of that, that you kind of feel more driven to prove yourself and get yourself places.
Singapore has been the perfect place for me to learn about acting (not learn acting, but get introduced and inspired), learn and experience being a drama teacher and ultimately, realizing what i want to do with my life. If not for Singapore, I would very probably be a stereotyped straight-A chink who wouldn't lose her first kiss until she was like sixteen or something. And, I would probably never have bothered with the Actors' Guild and whatnot.
But being in Singapore where you have all the horrible actors/actresses on TV and all the good ones working on smaller projects has given me the opportunity to chat with all these fantastic actors/actresses, swap knowledge and history and talk about how it would be a dishonour to be on one of 'those' shows.

3) It's very safe from people pulling out guns and shooting you in the face just because, say, you honked him when he cut into your lane.

4) The sun is awesome. Yeah i know, what the fuck right?
But you see, unlike Bali, where although I absolutely fucking love it, the sun is actually quite harsh, it's not like that here.
If, for example, I wanted to go on a beach holiday where I didn't want to shop at all, I just wanted to lie on the beach EVERY SINGLE DAY for one week straight, punctuated by Pina Coladas and hotdogs, I would come to Singapore! I really would. Because it Bali, you've got gorgeous sun, but you can only soak that up for three, four days before you shrivel up and die. On top of that, you've got touters, which you don't in Singapore.
So in Singapore, when you're up for the sun, and the stars align to give it to you when you need it most, it's lovely.

5) I learnt Mandarin here. At the end of the day, I'm a Chink, and I'm darn proud to be one too. Now, if I'd stayed on in the UK, I'd never have learnt to read and write and speak Mandarin. Granted, I'm not very good at it, but I'm a few steps ahead of all those Chinks who CAN'T speak mandarin AND speak horrid English. Plus, I really want to learn Malay, and that's going to be easier than say, signing up for Conversational Malay in uhm, San Francisco.

6) My job. My job means everything to me. I love it, enjoy it and want to keep doing it for the rest of my life. But I wouldnt have known that if I hadn't come to Singapore and yada yada yada.

7) If I had stayed back home in UK, it'd probably be very pricey to come down to Malaysia (where daddy's family is) so often. But because Singapore is right beside Malaysia, we used to drive up there a lot. BECAUSE OF THAT, I TRIED DURIANS FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS FIVE, at least I think I was. I was a kid and the adults were all downstairs getting drunk on the awesomeness that is Durians. And from the moment I tried that fruit, I knew that I would never be able to live without having it once in a while.

8) Curry Chicken. My favourite food in the entire world. Malay-made Curry Chicken. Which we would not have in UK (unless it's out in the sticks and being sold at an exorbitant price). Plus, nothing beats having Asian food in Asia. And while America has chili sauce, they do not, my friends, have curry sauce. And sometimes, thinking about that brings me to tears.

9) If I had grown up back home, we'd probably just have driven to France a lot, or all the way back to London from Edinburgh. Which, if you are perfectly honest with yourself is still within United Kingdom even if it is a lot of travelling. Being suffocated in Singapore created this overwhelming urge to get out and breathe, which has made me a sucker for travelling. Never mind twenty hour bus rides or ferries or God-forbid, eighteen hour flights, if I'm getting out, I'm happy. And even though i haven't been to that many places, I'm pretty sure I'd have been to less had I not been in Singapore.

10) If I hadn't been here, I'd never have been looking for a way out. And I would have been perfectly contented and settled, cross-stitching in front of my awesome electric fire place back at home. But being here, and wanting so badly to get out for so long, has made me much more appreciative of what is going to come next. I am excited and happy and I'll be damned if I grow tired of the place within the first year. So, although it was just supposed to be a pit-stop, Singapore ended up being a cage for a while, so that when I get out, I appreciate it more. plus, if the gate's always open, I'm going to keep coming back now and then.

phew. Now that's done...

10 Reasons why I don't like Singapore:

1) I had no say in moving here whatsoever. It was very much against my will.

2) The kids at school were mean to me because they couldn't understand my Scottish accent. I grew up chubby and with this horrible desire to please people so that they'd like me.

3) Their English sounds funny. It's a mixture of mandarin and hokkien and malay and english. So hello! I had difficulty communicating with them too! Plus, most of the time, their English is quite bad (amazingly, all my friends have really good English by the way). In fact, I had to keep correcting my English teacher when I was seven years old.

4) They do not like to admit when they're wrong. So when I was seven, my Eng teacher just hated me and picked on me and found fault at every turn, because she was mad that I kept correcting her horrible English. (she said watch was pronounce wah-ch. like a rhyme with the word patch). This is prevalent in everything from bloggers who speak their mind to people who confide in taxi drivers. If you say something bad about the BIG G, they will sue your white ass and throw you into jail. (your ass might be brown if you tan without your bikini bottoms. but whatevs. don't split hairs)

5) NUTS. The No-U Turn Syndrome.
Everywhere else in the world, you are allowed to make a U Turn anywhere on the road, unless a sign says "YOU CANNOT U TURN HERE OR A BUS WILL CRASH INTO YOU". As long as there's no oncoming traffic, U-Turn away mate! In Singapore, the opposite applies. You can only U turn IF and WHEN they say so.
As a result, most locals only do things that is SAID they are allowed to do. For example, you CANNOT eat on buses and trains. So they don't (besides those who break rules on purpose).
They don't eat/drink not because they don't want to, not because they are afraid of spilling and dirtying the train. They do so because they're NOT ALLOWED TO.
Do you see what I'm getting at?
It's not a good habit that is cultivated, it is the, "You say- I do" mentality. As a result, if you go into a classroom of students and say, "Can anyone tell me what a qwarfudger is?" The eighty percent who know the answer, probably will not answer unless you ask them personally to.

This even applies to the whole train and bus thing. I've been raised, since young, to offer up my seat to people who need it and let people out first. And when did this new campaign with Gurmit Singh come out? THIS YEAR. Not only that, now that there are Reserved seats for the disabled/preggers/old people, locals fight for the seats that are unreserved. And when the reserved seats are taken up by old people and a 6 month pregnant lady stands in the middle of the carriage, WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE DO? They pretend not to see. Why? BECAUSE "My seat no reserve what. Is that one on the end must give up. This is no reserve seat."

6) Most locals are rude and impatient (never seen my friends do this either!) They tut and shove and push. An old man falls down in the middle of a crowded train station, does anyone stop to help? NO. The person most likely to stop and help will be Malay, followed by Indian. Chinese people are ESPECIALLY impatient and rude and discourteous, this is multiplied two-fold here. i am often embarrassed.

7) They expect you to speak their lingo.
Scenario 1:
A food court in Thompson plaza. I approach the drinks stall, gripping my plastic notes.

me: Excuse me, may I have a tea without milk please?
lad: tea milk ah?
me: no no, a tea WITHOUT milk. Thank you so much! (I often sound apologetic because I cannot speak their lingo)
lad: okeh! doo-fiddy! (two-fifty)
as he goes off to make the tea, I lean over to remind him and say
me: Remember, NO MILK PLEASE! Thanks!

The tea comes with milk. And I ask him why. When his superior comes out and realizes what I'm saying, she turns to me and says
aunty: TEH O! IS YOU WANT TEH O!
me: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying all I want is tea without milk
aunty: IS TEH O LAH. SAY, TEH O!
me: No, I do not speak your language. may I have my tea with milk now please.

And she frowned and tutted and was clearly displeased that I did not speak her alien language.
Now, if you were from China, and had no idea what I was saying, I will speak to you in Mandarin.
But you are Singaporean, with English as a first language. In fact, you spoke to me in goddamned English. So just because I do not know or understand your strange language does not give you reason to eyeball me like I'm an alien.

8) Strangers are unforgiving for things that you do not do. I cannot tell you the countless number of times that I've been STEPPED ON. and what do I say, when I get stopped on?
"OW! oh gosh, I'm so sorry!" Why do I say sorry? Because it's a bad habit of mine. not only do most of them NOT apologize (hello, I'm hurt and I apologize?!), they tut at me and push past me.

9) They speak in obscenely loud, demanding voices as if it is your fault that you happened to stand in front of them.
ie; on the escalator. "EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUSE MEEEE. TUT TUT"
Geez, I've got just as much right to be here Thank You.

10) They have awful dressing. Now, I am no fashionista, but isn't it a weee bit obvious that a silk nighty, no matter how pretty, should be confined to the four walls of your bedroom and not on the streets of Orchard? And isn't it a tad obvious that your bright blue top does not, under any circumstances, match your bright yellow skirt and that none of those match your fuchsia-coloured wedges? Also, couldn't you have tried not to wear RED POLKA DOTTED KNICKERS UNDERNEATH THAT DAMN SKIRT?

11) Their shoes never fit. In a train carriage of thirty people, assuming all of them are women, twenty five of them will have ill-fitting shoes. Men wear covered toe shoes, no one can see shit.
Women here like to wear slip on kitten heel shoes. Except they are SO FUCKING SMALL THAT THEIR FAT TOES ARE SQUISHING OUT OF THE FRONT. Do you have any idea how grotesque it looks? And sometimes their shoes are beautiful sleek stilettos with a lovely diamond on it. BUT THAT DIAMOND AIN'T GONNA TAKE AWAY THE ATTENTION FROM YOUR FAT MUSHED UP TOES SQUEEZING OUT THE FRONT.
For crying out loud, WHY WHY WHY!

12) They are very brand conscious, and for the wrong reasons.
Everything is about "That LV bag. you sure hers is real?" or " I want that Prada." or "My handbag ah, is from GASH YOU KNOW (Guess)!"
Yes, some of the designs in those branded shops are nice. But some of them aren't. And honestly, you should know that instead of just buying it because of the brand.
I will admit, I have an insane addiction to Aldo shoes. But I don't buy slippers from them, simply because the REASON that I love Aldo shoes is that the heels are well made and comfy to wear. They're also one of the few shops that sell heels of decent height. Like, five, six inchies.
But Aldo doesn't JUST have those heels, they've got flats and slippers and even kitten heels. But personally, I'm not going to pay two hundred dollars for a pair of flats (exaggeration on my part)

Do you get what i mean? And this rubs off on children so we have teenagers strutting around with Coach and Guess and all those things that they can't really afford and don't need. How do I know this?
Because even if your parents were filthy rich, WHAT USE WOULD YOU HAVE FOR A $19, 000 HANDBAG WHEN YOU ARE IN SCHOOL AND ONLY JUST BEGINNING TO LEARN ABOUT SEXUAL REPRODUCTION?

13) Clothes here never fit me. Hardly ever. I can never buy something off the rack and go home, wear it for the first time and look stunning. Because my boobs are too big. I also cannot get bras of a decent size. Most shoe stores carry up to size 38/39. I'm 40.
I give up.

14) I manage to go past ten reasons without even realizing!

So to sum up my grossly lengthy post that I literally sat down for two hours to type out (despite being sleepy), Singapore has it's good points and it's bad points.
Yes, sometimes I am biased and angry and I spit with fury at people who cannot afford a Thank You to the person who held the lift door open.
It's a lovely country with behaviour that is less than desired. And that's alright you know, as long as you acknowledge it.
But most people, don't and won't. This is going to rile up some locals and God Forbid, if I get sued and my ass chucked in jail for this. But it can happen, you know.
I'm not writing bad stuff for the heck of it. I figure, you really need to let of steam now and then. But people who I've written about also need to acknowledge all the things which make an impression on a non-citizen, instead of getting angry and cursing in Hokkien at me.