Surely

I can find a way to make this work.

To be, and still save me from myself.

Surely, I can, right?

I'm jittery at the thought of this. But then, I'm always jittery at the thought of new things.

Moving, moving out, getting a car (not that high on the list right now),

and now...

It's just that, I've been a teacher for such a while that,

it's almost difficult to be a student.

At the beginning it was easy to slip into that role, and especially with people I trust.

To be directed, to watch Ajan during Muay Thai, to listen to Erika talk about a horse's footfalls.

But then when it comes to something that you feel.

Gawd, I don't even know how to begin talking about it.

It's effort.

It takes effort to sit there.

Yes, I do. I want to. I want to sit there and absorb and absorb and absorb. And I also want to do. To throw myself in wholly and without thought.

"You need to do this for yourself," Jenny told me, "not for your students. This has to be for you."

And last year, it was. Last year, right after I'd finished filming Big Girl and I'd talked with Ross,

I knew I had to go back to it. And I knew it was for me.

But then, that's slipped away a little bit.

And it's almost like, I don't know how to do this for me anymore.