It's a phrase that laces my thoughts, my decisions, my take when it comes to relationships and the nonsense it brings.
I prefer to keep myself safe.
I do a double-take when I find that something affects me more than usual. And then I try to figure out why. And then,
because I'm lazy. I'm lazy to put cream on eyes that are swollen from crying, lazy to pick up the mess that is myself and carry on with my life. I'm lazy to feel so much, because it always means getting hurt.
But more than that, more than being lazy, I think I'm just tired.
It's a lot easier to lean back and not give a flying fuck about whatever's happening around you. And I do that.
My insecurity starts when I realize that I've changed gears without even realizing it- when a lot of things matter.
And then when that happens,
"If it's bad news, tell me now so I can deal with it" She says
But it's sort of different, isn't it? We were grappling, or at least I was, with two different issues at the same time. Both had a "What's on your mind?" blank to fill in.
And I had no idea where to start.
I'd read her email on the morning of the day I was flying out of Frisco. The only problem was, I've kept getting called away from it just as I'm in the middle of replying.
And in the lapse of time before I get back to that darn reply, things come up in between. Clearly, if I sat down to reply that now, it'd be quite confusing and likely unrelated to the email before.
But that's what it's been in the last day or so. Streams of half finished sentences and thoughts, loud and fast trains on tracks that are broken somewhere in between.
I can't quite catch up.
Right now, honestly,
I'm a couple of steps behind, trying to get over whatever it was that I was hung up about like ten hours ago. Because uhm, as rubbish as it seems, I'm still getting over it. And no, I don't think there was any spite in it or anything mean, it's just,
I'm still getting over it.
A step at a time right?
I'm going for a run.
January 1st 2011, Saturday