on my way

I like that we're good(:

Okay soooo, this trip was A LOT more trying than I expected it to be.

I think I'm just getting old. I am old and tired. Sad dot com.

SO

it's been tumultuous; An uncertain, insecure, refreshing, lovely, cold, loud, claustrophobic, interesting, and rather emotional trip.

I have learnt so, so much. And not just from The Acting Corps.

This trip's been filled with new experiences that I didn't even realize was happening.

Funny hey?

My free time's been spent baking, running, writing, running, skyping, shopping, running. And for the time spent here, as a whole, has been quality. I've been glad and grateful for days I spent indoors in the rain and days I spent out. I've gotten to know so many lovely people and gotten pretty close to a couple of them.

I said my goodbyes this morning and it was pretty much an aww-fest.

There'll be dinner tonight, and we'll finish the wine and the cake I made.

And then

and then and then and then,

I'll be on a morning flight out tomorrow.

and I'll see you in just a bit

January 3rd 2011, Monday

3:45pm

Hurting Distance

There have been countless posts I've made in reference to this phrase.

It's a phrase that laces my thoughts, my decisions, my take when it comes to relationships and the nonsense it brings.

I prefer to keep myself safe.

I do a double-take when I find that something affects me more than usual. And then I try to figure out why. And then,

I leave.

Because,

because I'm lazy. I'm lazy to put cream on eyes that are swollen from crying, lazy to pick up the mess that is myself and carry on with my life. I'm lazy to feel so much, because it always means getting hurt.

But more than that, more than being lazy, I think I'm just tired.

It's a lot easier to lean back and not give a flying fuck about whatever's happening around you. And I do that.

My insecurity starts when I realize that I've changed gears without even realizing it- when a lot of things matter.

And then when that happens,

I leave.

"If it's bad news, tell me now so I can deal with it" She says

But it's sort of different, isn't it? We were grappling, or at least I was, with two different issues at the same time. Both had a "What's on your mind?" blank to fill in.

And I had no idea where to start.

I'd read her email on the morning of the day I was flying out of Frisco. The only problem was, I've kept getting called away from it just as I'm in the middle of replying.

And in the lapse of time before I get back to that darn reply, things come up in between. Clearly, if I sat down to reply that now, it'd be quite confusing and likely unrelated to the email before.

But that's what it's been in the last day or so. Streams of half finished sentences and thoughts, loud and fast trains on tracks that are broken somewhere in between.

I can't quite catch up.

Right now, honestly,

I'm a couple of steps behind, trying to get over whatever it was that I was hung up about like ten hours ago. Because uhm, as rubbish as it seems, I'm still getting over it. And no, I don't think there was any spite in it or anything mean, it's just,

I'm still getting over it.

A step at a time right?

I'm going for a run.

January 1st 2011, Saturday

9:17am

Happy New Year

I have a thing about New Years.

About crossing over to the other side, about the transition being an idea of the rest of the coming year. Most times, it doesn't result in anything much different from that. Most times, I take that transition, that in between from one year to the next, and work it into some kind of meaning.

But at the end of all of it, I think it's only a frame of mind.

So.

I found myself sitting on the curb, in the cold, finishing off the last of my pack of Fortunas. Normally, I absolutely detest crossing over with smokes and take pains not to. But I wasn't counting this time.

The loud, happy Spanish festive music playing from the house across the street gave way to the sound of horns and cheers and squeals and party poppers. That followed with fireworks from random houses in the neighborhood- some patterns that stayed in the sky for ages, others that faded and were instantly replaced with more. That was how I realized it was the New Year.

The first person I spoke to, and said Happy New Year to was a random chap on a bicycle.

So that was me, the glow from the house behind me spilling out and casting my shadow on the empty road.

And then,

eight minutes past midnight, I walked into the house and poured myself a mug of warm water.

I'm not up for doing reflections right now, or looking back or any of that.

My head is ringing like a bitch, and I'm upset but too tired to cry.

But, like Vv's just said,

"there's not time for rubbish emotions" and I am in full agreement. After all, that's how I've been for the longest time. So basically, I don't understand why it should be any different these days.

Happy New Year.

____________________________

Because honestly? it doesn't feel like I can do this anymore.

January 1st 2011, Saturday

1:17am

I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know

I'm not that girl

Christmas Morn

My morning started off (again) just lovely!

After 48minutes of being very smiley and giggly (wait, really? Giggly? aye), I said my goodnights and crawled back into bed for about ten minutes.

Then I hauled my ass out of bed because I've been wanting to make pancakes for the family again and if not this morning, then it's likely never. Especially with how the schedules are looking.

So it was Blueberry-banana pancakes. Well, more banana and just a smattering of blueberries.

The colour looks nice though. I trial-ed and error-ed, as the making of pancakes always start and then it looked nice and started stacking up while the rest of the house started getting out of bed.

Turns out there were plans today.

Except seeing as I'd made breakfast, my family stayed home while the extended went to pick up my Granduncle for brunch. They grabbed some of the pancakes though and said it tasted great.

Guess I can't ask for more, and I'm happy.

So it's eleven on Christmas morning. I wanted to go to church today, except well, most churches start at ten and I couldn't bloody pull up anything online.

Google was supposed to be my friend):

It hasn't felt very much like Christmas. And that doesn't make me feel the happiest.

I don't know how I managed to drop over a hundred dollars when I popped into target yesterday. I am STILL most flummoxed indeed.

Minor digression:

Leans over to The Little Creature, seating across the table

Me: I STILL don't know how I managed to spend a hundred bucks yesterday. A hundred and five!

TLC: Chuckles

Me: No, no. Really. I really don't know!

TLC: Did you check the receipt?

Me: Yeahhh.

beat.

Me: Noooo.

So anyway! I am very disturbed, like, what in the world could I possibly have been buying at Target? Nonsense.

In other news, TLC's passing on information from her friend about the club scene in Frisco.

"haha," she says, "You don't get hit on. They just grab you."

Most disturbing indeed.

_____________________________

There're a couple of blogs I read (No, it is not stalking dammit.)

And there's this one person's in particular. I've only met her a couple of times, and she's really nice although I can't say I know her very well.

But that's the thing about blogs, they're a whole lot more personal than we realize. (For some reason, I feel old saying the word 'blog', but I digress!)

So anyway, I'll admit there are sometimes that I find myself a tad taken aback by what she writes. Sometimes I find myself with an eyebrow raised, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I am left puzzled, and sometimes, honestly, it becomes a sort of seedling that grows into a plant with overgrown roots and I find myself trippin'.

(Then I get quiet, and asked what's wrong and I say "Nothing" when actually I mean,

"Nothing that I know how to say". But eventually I talk about it, we talk about it, and then it becomes okay.)

And that's because those are words (this blogger's written words that is) at their most raw and most honest. And no one should ever be blamed for that.

Amongst the couple of reactions I have whenever I find myself reading this person's writings, I have quite often found myself hoping that things will get better for her.

I don't know what she's thinking, what makes her tick and what doesn't. Or what it is that upsets her. I do know that there is someone we both know who makes her smile, and quite easily at that. And that's always nice. And it's nice to read about her being happy.

Aside from that though, all I know is what I've read and what I have/can perceive from the outside.

So, on the now-and-thens that something seems to be up, I hope it gets better for her.

That if something hurts or is hurting, it'll start to ease up. Because there's only so much that a person can take after all.

And I hope and wish, because that's about the only thing I can do as I read her writings, can't quite do any more than that.

I don't even know why I've written all of this out. Don't think I quite meant to, especially because it might seem a bit odd/strange. Don't think I ever meant for anybody to even know this. But uhm, I felt very much like saying this and also, I'm counting heavily on the fact that the only people who ever read this page are Victor and Vicky (who laugh at me for being emo and/or psychotic) and uhm, Fishbone. No, not even Buttons. Buttons just likes to sit on the computer.

So,

to you, who I barely know, I hope things aren't too unbearable and that they'll look up for you soon. More than that, I hope you find it in yourself to cope with whatever it is you happen to be going through.

____________________________

So this Christmas is different.

I'm going to go for a run now and come home and bake the Christmas Cake.

The Christmas Cake which I do not feel like eating. Meh.

Dec 25th 2010, Saturday

11:55am

Christmas

So,

Happy Christmas.

There're so many of you who mean so much to me back in the sunny spore that

i just might call home for a while more.

Miss you tonnes, and can't wait to see you guys. Really(:

In the meantime, the family's liking the new look of our apartment-

Thanks a whoooole lot(:

I hope you guys have a tonne of fun. I can't believe I'm missing out on this again. This is SO two years ago.

Keep at the holiday spirit darlings!

Just please, don't have sex on my couch.

And for the other people left out of the weird cuddle-pile that's been happening in my living room,

I hope you make sure to enjoy your log cake and turkey/roast chicken and sock-wearing puppy in the most wholesome of ways!

< 3

December 25th 2010, Friday

3am

The fight for you is all I've ever known

Well that passed really quickly! ^^

I need to stop being so angsty and sounding so psychotic.

TEEHEE

My run was nice, and I sent my Christmas wishes across the world...

aaaaand, I will go for Midnight mass(:

I am a happy girl this evening.

And yes, Christmas and Christmas eve especially has brought a melancholic tinge these last couple of years.

But it'll be okay.

I'm happy now, and thats alright(:

Merry Christmas Eve from this side of the world.

Oh my God.

Seriously.

Fuck this shit. I am fucking tired. And this is the first time I've been so angry and honestly bordering on hating Christmas.

I think it's because I'm not cutting myself.

And just for the record, the only reason I'm not cutting myself, is because I'm too fucking tired to think of clothes I can wear in an effort to hide myself.

I need to run. I'm going to run now.

On another note-

I'm baking a cake for the family for Christmas.

And I bought Vicky's present today. But it doesn't feel very special. So I might...

oh wait, I just remembered what I actually wanted to get you for Christmas so the top that I just picked up doesn't count.

I'm going to run now.

believe me

I'd do anything.

and sometimes, just sometimes, the truth of that scares me

4:05am

she's fighting her first instinct,

choosing instead to write.

And so she will. She will.

She will write and write until the dull throb she feels subsides, until she's emptied out, until she's not fighting against herself anymore.

I wish I found it easier to talk with you about this one thing. It never did seem to exist, but it's come to be and made itself especially distinct in my time away.

It being this particular subject.

The brilliant thing about us has always been how we can talk. And we can.

About anything and everything.

V's pointed out how great a thing that is.

And I love that about you, I've loved that about you.

I loved that about you.

I don't know what changed.

I'd like to talk about things like this with you though, I would.

And I'll work on it. Promise I will.

So I should start by not lying and saying I can do this by myself. Because I don't think I could.

And I'm not sure where to even begin but-

I'll take a deep breath and flip open pages for you

December 24th 2010, Friday

3:35am

only almost

It's the first hour into Christmas eve and I just got back from what was supposed to be dinner with Meesh in Pasadena.

Instead, we ended up meeting friends, hanging out and going to this Korean Bbq place in Culver City. It wasn't half bad.

So no, we didn't catch that movie, but we chatted the whole drive back and then some.

I gave the brownies I baked to Jenny's kids- who are incredibly adorable by the way- aaaaand, well that's pretty much it. The time flew by rather quick actually.

It's not feeling a whole lot like Christmas. I hate that it's not.

I hate that it's not because Christmas is my favourite time of the year, and I just loooove the Christmas bustle. Except. Well, except there's none of that.

rawr.

I hope tomorrow (or later today) gets better.

December 24th 2010, Friday

1:10am

I've been waiting for you

Hello world
Hope you’re listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn

There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me

I'll come home soon-

there's a track on repeat. And there aren't anymore weekdays or weekends.

Instead, we're a stream of last minute sick-leaves, random grass patches, midday picnics and time that always runs out on us

So hello you,

I find that I've been thinking about you quite a bit.

Dizzyingly organized aisles of groceries, Ikea tents with its Christmas specials and warm restaurants with Christmas songs spilling from their glass doors- they're not quite the same without you.

I think you'd like it here.

But at the same time, I'm less "wish you were here" as much as I am

"Wish I was with you right about now."

I miss you, I realize. And I could do with being with you.

(:

December 20th 2010, Monday

10pm

"For another E right! Right?!" --Bird

cos I love you more than I could ever promise

(:

Point proven.

We fall down, cry, pick ourselves up.
Put our fingers back into that same electrical-socket just because our tiny fingers can fit in.
Still touch the kettle after it sings its song.

All we can do,
is look at the next person and say,
"I'm tired, I can't do this anymore. Please don't hurt me,
because i don't have the strength left to cry."

-- April 2008

It surprises me, how I search desperately for words that mean the same damn thing,

two years later,

and then find it in my archives.

If you really wanted someone, you'd keep them.

Or try.

I don't like the yucky mushy love stuff. Not for the most part.

There are a lot of things (I feel) that don't need to be spelt out or said. Which isn't to say that people should go around assuming their significant other knows exactly what's happening or that they have magically developed the ability to read minds,

I'm just saying that one ought to have a certain level of self-awareness.

There are a few things that I believe in. Sometimes they overlap or seem a tad bit contradicting, and when that happens, I work that out with myself. Here's a random 10.

1) All the things you hold on too tightly to, will slip right through your fingers

2) You can love someone with everything that you are, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're good for them.

3) More people need to acknowledge and come to terms with point 2

4) You need to appreciate the company of yourself, before you can appreciate being with company.

5) Relationships aren't a walk in the park, and it sure as hell can get painful. But it isn't supposed to be that fucking difficult either.

In other words, if you're crying everyday trying to make it work, get yourself a tub of Ben & Jerry's, break up and sit at home for a while.

6) Don't take things too personally-

Someone will come along and, almost magically, that person will stop smoking/will do laundry/ will cook/ will not cheat/ will put the toilet seat down. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen with you.

7) If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Whether you're watching or have your back turned. Whether you're 10 feet from them or oceans apart.

8) You do not have to be with someone to be happy

9) Your cat will always love you

10) Some people are creme brule, some people are jello. But someone will bring out both sides in you.

__________________________________________

So Meesh picked me up at ten past one today and we spent the next three hours and fifty minutes driving about aimlessly. Well, we were supposed to get to Pasadena, but clearly that didn't happen. And then he thought, "Hey why not Beverly Hills?" Except clearly that didn't work out. So finally I said, "Pick whichever exit you feel like and we'll look for food there."

And we took exits, but didn't find food. Or we did, but didn't feel compelled to park and get out of the car. So we kept driving and talking and driving and talking ("Why am I only meeting you now?!" He demanded at some point), and driving. Until I pointed out Mimi's Cafe where we finally stopped and I introduced him to the French Onion Soup and he realized that if he loved me, it'd be for all the right reasons.

But I figure, it might have to do with the fact that we were doing repetition in the car, at random intervals.

Not half bad for a rainy day in my opinion.

I'm back from some wholesome (VERY) Asian Grammy-cooking this evening, choosing that over Gwendoline Yeo's amazing performance. Oh wells):

__________________________________________

I quite remember the first girl I saw for a bit.

Because the precise moment I realized that I might possibly feel for her, was the beginning of about a fifteen minute lapse before I saw myself out of that room only planning to not see her again.

I hate feeling like I'm trying too hard.

And I get tired, mostly of myself, when it starts feeling like what I feel may just be a bit too much.

I get scared; Because feeling as much as you do only allows for the possibility of hurting in that same amount. And the only person at fault is yourself.

__________________________________________

"So what do you want?"

"I need to know that what I'm doing won't slap me back in the face. That I'm not being stupid."

"So, what do you want?"

"For it to be alright to want this." She inhales sharply, "And as much as I do."

__________________________________________

Callie: So if you were driving down a highway and saw a pothole on the road ahead, what would you do,

straddle or swerve?

Sara: Mm, straddle. You>

Callie: Straddle.

Sara: Swerve.

Callie: Nah-ah

Sara: Yes you would.

Callie: Ok, a rabbit. Straddle, swerve or brake.

Sara: Screech to a brake, check the rabbit, then- smoke. You?

Callie: Brake.

Sara: Swerve.

-- Stop Kiss, By Diana Son. An Excerpt

__________________________________________

"Will you just say what you mean?"

She does, sometimes. Or sure as hell tries.

But most times,

like now, like today,

she swerves.

__________________________________________

Dear T,

you've got enough of me to break.

I can't be anymore honest than that.

C

December 19th 2010, Sunday

11:15pm

You're going to need a break sometime soon...

I miss seeing you happy.

Like, completely and utterly, whole-heartedly happy. The sort of happy that feels like a fist unclenching, that feels like you're speeding on the freeway with the roof of your car down.

The sense of abandonment that makes the rest of the world seem like a trainwreck you've stepped out of.

I wish I could take away all the bothersome things that you could very well do without. Make you pancakes on the weekend mornings, and kiss you goodnight just as you're about to fall asleep.

Take you to the quietest rivers with mini jafacakes in hand.

I'm not saying they'll make everything alright, or solve all the problems in the world. But it might just be the tiniest bit of a thing to smile at.

I miss seeing you happy.

I really, really do.

December 18th 2010, Saturday

10:51pm

Just for now

She's filled a folder marked Happy Pill, a collection of pictures. In her browser history, filling pages and pages of journal entries.

There are things you've made less painful for me, words I've lost with you when I've done the spiel before in my sleep. Parts of me you've opened up and made me look at, afore-made decisions that you've had me rethink.

I don't always know how you feel, or how I make you feel. I don't ever know how to begin asking. I don't know how you think about things, or what you feel when you remember.

And I don't ever know how to begin asking.

Sometimes the uncertainty makes me trail off. Sometimes it makes me tilt my head when I look at you.

I don't know when I got like that, and I don't ever know how to begin asking.

I find myself in the children's section of Borders, running my fingers along the spine of Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree with a half smile. Then I'm sitting on couches, too big, too comfortable, too empty, too full with the promises of warmth.

This is how I miss you;

Finding myself doing things I'd prefer to do with your company, seeing places I think you'd like, laughing at things I think you might laugh at too.

But mostly, realizing that I don't have to be here.

Saturday, December 18th 2010

2:50pm

She'll come round soon

I remember when Prince William turned twenty-one, had his face put on a stamp so that the rest of the world could lick his behind and stick him on the corner of an envelope.

He was dishy, back then. And Harry was busy smoking pot.

But he's older now, they both are.

And our prince is sorta balding.

Rebecca, one of my favourite writers (alongside Neil Gaiman, Pink and Sara Bareilles), has been writing about change recently.

How nothing's permanent, even tattoos. Her tattoos. Which she loves, and which, imperfect as they are, have found themselves meaning as they grew with her.

In this space of time I'm in right now, I love that idea.

My entire life's been pretty transient.

I've never held on to things, because I've always been in transit.

Always.

I hopped off a train around my birthday almost seventeen years back, and I got lost at that train station. I left some part of myself behind that day, and no one's gone back to look for her. Not even me.

Don't remember my flight into Singapore, or realizing that we'd be here a while. I've still been at that train station, waiting to take the train heading in the opposite direction.

I've still been waiting to go back home.

It's changed though. Home's changed. For sure it has.

Edinburgh might still have a house with a blue door, but it's changed. As has The Nooks in Mottingham. As has London.

As have I.

I've lived all my life with two suitcases by the door. Moving in but never unpacking, apprehensive about everything and anything that might tie me down for more than a year. There's always so much that's supposed to happen in the year, it's laughable.

I've always been in transit-

waiting, looking, taking off and coming back just to quell that insatiable need to move and be moving.

Somewhere between doing groceries by myself and half-skipping along reservoirs with Jafacakes for dinner, something inside me's shifted.

There's a lot for me here, where I'm at. Not San Gabriel specifically but, LA.

Family and the most picturesque dreams and plans that have been years in the making. Years.

But almost seventeen years in this train station's made me realize that, there's a whole load that I haven't seen coming and there's a whole lot more that I won't be able to see just yet. This doesn't mean that I'm daunted.

It just means that there's a whole stretch of train tracks that I can walk along, on my own, until the distant call of the train engine asks me to hop off the tracks to let it pass, or to let me hop on.

I've spent too long waiting on this platform.

I've spent too long watching people in long coats and brown leather briefcases stride past me, completely sure of where they're going, while I've traced circles in the marble floor with the toe of my shiny black shoes.

I outgrew those shoes years ago and didn't even realize it. My dress shrank and my hair grew out and got bleached by the sun.

I'm a wee bit taller than 90cm now, and it looks like I'll need my own ticket.

Can't keep going 25% in four different directions. Can't stand here and wait for the line that will let you go 100% in one direction.

When you decide, you do. And then you go for it.

And you trust yourself, to trust yourself.

Wait for me?

December 14th 2010, Tuesday

11:59pm

Last Friday was tricksy.

Unexpectedly emotional, and in many ways, I don't know if I'm ready to go back there. (that emotional place that is.)

I disappeared this weekend, finding myself in Orange County looking at model homes.

They were the loveliest things. I found myself wandering about, checking out sofas too.

But this whole grocery shopping, running fingers along different fabrics, it's not half as nice without someone to lace your fingers with and tug pleadingly to sit beside you when you find a couch that tickles your fancy.

I'm way more of a shmuck than I let on.

I had space. If only just from the online world.

I had questions come up, and I know they're not the prettiest questions. But when I was prompted, I asked them.

There isn't an issue of trust or the lack of it. I suppose it's just nice to be sure, to be reassured, now and then. Jeebus, I never quite imagined myself saying that! I totally typed that without quite realizing it was what I meant.

I opted out of the evening DAW this evening. My feet were on their way to dying and if I went back, I'd have been so fucking knackered. I kid you not.

Did groceries with Alexis instead who's cooking tonight and being domesticated after her wild weekend where she lost her phone.

I'm having trouble with my scene partner. There. I said it, fuck it. I'm having trouble and I fucking hate it. I feel like I'm partnered with one of my students, except I'm not the teacher and I can't snap my fingers and say, "Get your game on bitch." (not that I say that to my kids of course. Different backgrounds, different personality, different story altogether.)

I'll bake cookies with Jacq later this evening after dinner, make chocolate for my classmates sometime this week.

Attempt to whip up a salad at some point.

Have a final performance on Wednesday, have my last lesson on Friday.

Catch Black Swan this week, or try to, with Ina.

Lunch date on Wednesday.

Pack for the weekend up in San Diego.

Get my shit together.

breathe. wait, no time for that.

Hang out with the family.

Prep for Christmas.

Work on scripts for Orchid Park, Kuo Chuan and Compassvale.

Pack for Christmas weekend in The OC with Glenn and Renee.

Come back, Pack for Frisco.

Come back in time for New Years.

and uhm

I need to stop thinking about this.

Had a dream the other day about being back in Singapore though.

It was quite a nice dream. I was having dinner with Erika and her friends and I THINK for some reason Vicky was there too. And I was telling them about LA.

And how it felt like it'd only been two weeks. Which, at that point, it had.

Odd.

Walkies now.

Monday, December 13th 2010

8:10pm