If you really wanted someone, you'd keep them.

Or try.

I don't like the yucky mushy love stuff. Not for the most part.

There are a lot of things (I feel) that don't need to be spelt out or said. Which isn't to say that people should go around assuming their significant other knows exactly what's happening or that they have magically developed the ability to read minds,

I'm just saying that one ought to have a certain level of self-awareness.

There are a few things that I believe in. Sometimes they overlap or seem a tad bit contradicting, and when that happens, I work that out with myself. Here's a random 10.

1) All the things you hold on too tightly to, will slip right through your fingers

2) You can love someone with everything that you are, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you're good for them.

3) More people need to acknowledge and come to terms with point 2

4) You need to appreciate the company of yourself, before you can appreciate being with company.

5) Relationships aren't a walk in the park, and it sure as hell can get painful. But it isn't supposed to be that fucking difficult either.

In other words, if you're crying everyday trying to make it work, get yourself a tub of Ben & Jerry's, break up and sit at home for a while.

6) Don't take things too personally-

Someone will come along and, almost magically, that person will stop smoking/will do laundry/ will cook/ will not cheat/ will put the toilet seat down. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen with you.

7) If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Whether you're watching or have your back turned. Whether you're 10 feet from them or oceans apart.

8) You do not have to be with someone to be happy

9) Your cat will always love you

10) Some people are creme brule, some people are jello. But someone will bring out both sides in you.

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So Meesh picked me up at ten past one today and we spent the next three hours and fifty minutes driving about aimlessly. Well, we were supposed to get to Pasadena, but clearly that didn't happen. And then he thought, "Hey why not Beverly Hills?" Except clearly that didn't work out. So finally I said, "Pick whichever exit you feel like and we'll look for food there."

And we took exits, but didn't find food. Or we did, but didn't feel compelled to park and get out of the car. So we kept driving and talking and driving and talking ("Why am I only meeting you now?!" He demanded at some point), and driving. Until I pointed out Mimi's Cafe where we finally stopped and I introduced him to the French Onion Soup and he realized that if he loved me, it'd be for all the right reasons.

But I figure, it might have to do with the fact that we were doing repetition in the car, at random intervals.

Not half bad for a rainy day in my opinion.

I'm back from some wholesome (VERY) Asian Grammy-cooking this evening, choosing that over Gwendoline Yeo's amazing performance. Oh wells):

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I quite remember the first girl I saw for a bit.

Because the precise moment I realized that I might possibly feel for her, was the beginning of about a fifteen minute lapse before I saw myself out of that room only planning to not see her again.

I hate feeling like I'm trying too hard.

And I get tired, mostly of myself, when it starts feeling like what I feel may just be a bit too much.

I get scared; Because feeling as much as you do only allows for the possibility of hurting in that same amount. And the only person at fault is yourself.

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"So what do you want?"

"I need to know that what I'm doing won't slap me back in the face. That I'm not being stupid."

"So, what do you want?"

"For it to be alright to want this." She inhales sharply, "And as much as I do."

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Callie: So if you were driving down a highway and saw a pothole on the road ahead, what would you do,

straddle or swerve?

Sara: Mm, straddle. You>

Callie: Straddle.

Sara: Swerve.

Callie: Nah-ah

Sara: Yes you would.

Callie: Ok, a rabbit. Straddle, swerve or brake.

Sara: Screech to a brake, check the rabbit, then- smoke. You?

Callie: Brake.

Sara: Swerve.

-- Stop Kiss, By Diana Son. An Excerpt

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"Will you just say what you mean?"

She does, sometimes. Or sure as hell tries.

But most times,

like now, like today,

she swerves.

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Dear T,

you've got enough of me to break.

I can't be anymore honest than that.

C

December 19th 2010, Sunday

11:15pm