Sunday, March 20, 2011

Something's going wrong

wrong, all wrong

Where my writing's become a crutch, where I have ceased talking when it matters (or when it should)

Isn't this exactly what happened last time?

Despite always having been able to talk to this person, you find, that when you start seeing them, when you're with them, when you're *cue scary music* in a relationship,
there are things you just can't talk about anymore.
Actually, that's a lie. You don't talk about it anymore, but you tell yourself you can't.

I don't know why that is, you know.
Are we afraid of what it might mean to the other person, of how it might be taken? Afraid of the truth that will come out when we talk about things-
of our insecurities and all our selfish sides coming out?
Like, despite knowing full well that Issue 01 isn't about me, I feel like I can't help you and I don't know what to do and so I am upset for two reasons. A) Because you have Issue 01 and B) I don't know how to make it better.
To admit that, will always sound stupid and self-absorbed. Especially as we say it out loud. And maybe that's it. That's what we don't want.

Or maybe it's just- I don't know. Admitting that despite everything, there is something wrong at all.
That there are things that make one upset, even though you don't want to be upset and even though you feel like you shouldn't be upset and even though you feel like the two of you are above and beyond whatever it is you're upset about.
Bottom line is: I'm upset/ You're upset.
But for some reason, it's easier to grab my phone and talk about it with my best friends and agree with them and say, "Yes, I know I need to go have a conversation about this." before I actually go and talk.

Or better yet, sometimes I write.
And then, once I've written all of it out, I feel better and I think,
"I'm okay!"
Problem solved, crisis averted. TA DAH. We're good as new.
And I don't stop to think that you can be together with someone and still miss out on their lives. That maybe, I am causing that to happen.
That maybe, it's not fair that I do that.

There's the running joke of how the phrase "We need to talk" is always the scariest or will probably spell out terrible news.
But it's not supposed to be like that.
It's not.

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