While I drown in your body,
Get lost in your charm

and I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking

the way you hold me feels like home

your fingers, like magic on my skin

I've been missing you in all the wrong ways

Not in an I-want-to-call-it-quits kind of way, but I guess, this week I was struck by how much closer it felt when you were further away.
So,
during one of my lunch breaks, I sat on stone steps, stared out into empty apartments and cried.

And we've talked, and been talking, and I like it and it's getting better.
But I'd really like you to see that I don't want anything from you. I don't. You don't need to do anything for me, or try exceptionally hard, or try at all, really.
Because I miss you in the way where you're just you- laid back and happy and sleepy at all the weirdest times of the day and having a full meal during tea.

I miss you just being able to be.

Sometimes I feel like bits of me are breaking off

Are breaking off, are breaking off.
as one always tends to, I find myself reaching for things that remind me of who I am. That remind me I am still here. That I can still be.

For this, I am grateful that I am consumed mostly by school and the work. That the ache, the questions, the hollowness that breathes through my spine sometimes, only creeps up on me when I steal away to stare out at vast empty spaces that only make me miss you more than I ought to.

Failing miserably at trying

I don't,
I can't do this right now. This is so hard.

Please stop

For me. Just for me

"Close your eyes," he says, leaning my weight against him.

And so I do.

For to fill up your soul

"Excuse me, but what you were doing just now, I found it intriguing. What, what was it you were doing?"
---------------------

We're all a collection of movements, of moments, of conversations, of snippets of conversations. Of things we have seen and the things that we see, of split second decisions, shocks of impulse to which we see through to the end of the line.

That, that's what is intriguing.

When in doubt

Go back to what you know.
Carve out a routine,
And hang on tight.
-------------------
It's been three weeks since I've gone for yoga. By pure chance and great fortune, not only did I manage to get to yoga, but I got to Niru's Hatha.
Niru being the instructor I'm most comfortable and familiar with.

And in that hour, I was awash with a sense of relief and fulfilment. For the first time since school started, a feeling of-
Hey, I can do this.
You know, like I'm actually doing something right

To call home

I suppose I've always been one with my head in the clouds.
But it seems almost as possible as it is pretty, almost close enough to see.
And I know I get carried off in thought, and think about next week while drowning in this one. But there are lovely things that come of dreaming sometimes.

And so I'm sitting here, on steps that lead to absolutely nowhere. Staring into the most beautiful apartments with spaces filled with family evenings and couches breathing with secrets and lives that are being lived.
And I am sitting here, with the thought of you.

It's all these little things

I swapped back to my old shampoo. That is, the same shampoo she uses.

This must be the worst time for my hair to smell like hers, honestly speaking.

Yes, I know I'm being a complete sap.

And then today in class, Robin breezes in and fills the room with Perth. And I'm just like, right, shit. Robin fills the room with a lot of other things of course- breath, calm and relaxation. I find I'm clinging on. But she brings a reminder of Perth. A very strong one at that. So her three hour class today was both lovely and difficult.

Then, my cell phone rings. And it's you.

And I love that it is.

Come home soon?

Monday blues are red

Feels like one of them lonely days today

Of luncheons with company

It's almost the end of the first week of school. The first two days saw us eating in each other's company- the first day altogether, with our alumni and teachers and the faculty. The second day, the local students went off on their own and us International Students (me being the semi-in between) went off to Peace Centre Foodcourt.

I don't have a problem with lunch company at all. But I guess, a lot of times, I crave my alone-time, even when I'm working a school with just one other person.
So today, I brought my lunch, sat on a stone table under a palm tree with the sun hitting my shoulders and Grotowsky's Farewell Speech to his students in my lap.
And I was impossibly happy.

-----------------------
I was also very happy at lunch on the Monday that just passed. We had dimsum with Erika's friends, Sharon and Althea who are lovely company and an absolute riot to be with.

I just realized also that we don't have pictures with them so I guess, this will have to do:/

Halfway Home

So school starts tomorrow.

It's the change of my life as I've known it (read- grown used to). I know I sound deliriously dramatic here, but it just, it feels like a lot you know?

For a few years I've politely corrected people when they say, "So how's school?" Now I'm politely correcting people when they say, "So back to work tomorrow?"

I'll miss it- work that is. It's been so much a part of my life that I'm not ready to let go of it just yet. I think that's the most part of it. Not so much the insanity that this intensive next three years will bring, but more the knowledge that I might possibly just have to give up on work completely. When work has, for the best part of the last four years, been what has kept me rooted when all else felt like it was falling away.

In any case, I don't have to give up work completely as yet (depending on schedules and stuff), so we'll see how it all goes.

With everything else-

the hour-long lunch breaks and the people I'll meet, the things I absolutely cannot wait to study, the practices I cannot wait to learn and the plays I'll get to perform,

let's see where this all takes me, shall we?

And we're set to roll in eleven and a half hours kiddo.

baby steps

I've always been sappy about New Year's- I believe how you spend that first bit of the new year is a peek into the rest of it.

So, just like I hoped, my New Year's was nice and quiet. But more than that, it was the loveliest, loveliest New Year I've had in quite a while. Not just a-year-type of a while but, honest to God, a while.

This was the last New Year, this was the year before (the frame of mind I was in and not so much what I was doing. at all.) and this was New Year's two years ago (leading into 2009).

If my New Year's Eve and New Year's Day is anything to go by, it's looking like a lovely 2012 coming up. We spent it watching half of The Runaways over pizza and where we didn't finish that movie, we watched the back half of Watchmen. Bits of it, for me. It was family- Mommy, Janice, Erika and Buttons. And I got to be comfy and snuggle up and we had Christmas pudding which mommy served the traditional way- by pouring brandy over and setting it alight. We didn't countdown ( I can't remember the last time I did that), it was more like, "One Minute Left!" And mommy had the glasses out and the bottle of champagne just waiting to be popped.

And then, just like the digits on clocks change every time you're not looking, it was 2012.

Janice saw me stealing a New Year's kiss-on-the-cheek and went, "Make out!" But we passed on that, and so no, I haven't actually gotten my first New Year's Kiss where the moment the clock hands meet, there's this crazy amazing kiss with poppers and streamers and fizz from champagne and balloons going up everywhere.

But I had fireworks going off in my head from that one-second kiss, and that was enough for me(:

So just like that, we were in the new year and the champagne was a bit too sharp for our liking and only just bearable. And I got to fall asleep in brand new satin-smooth cotton sheets, safe, deliriously happy and cuddled up. The year should go like that- just the right amount of junk, dessert and wine, family time and feeling like I wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the world if not with this person I'm (clearly) quite taken with.

2011 wasn't a major, major year for me, if you know what I mean. But it's certainly been eventful; having more than its fair share of ups and downs, relapses (of varied nature), rocky patches and late nights spent crying over things I couldn't even place.

Summing up my entire year in just five pictures, so I don't bore you half to death,

here-

Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Drama Club

Singapore Youth Festival 2011- Twisted

Perth with Erika, June 2011.

A much needed break from work, also marking the end of my full-time work with InwardBound. Also had me finding a new country and place to really like. Which resulted in awful post-holiday blues.

Bird flying home on a whim that (I believe) was what she really needed and, coincidentally having Dory pop home too.

Growing, talking with Mitchell (bottom right) and having conversations with Nora, my boss for the last four years now, that I file away for future reference.

Seeing my cousins this Christmas after more than a decade apart. We've grown a bit, I think. Just a bit.

__________________________________________________________

Thanks here is due, to a whole lot of people. And because I don't very often, I'd like to here-

My family:

Mommy and The Little Creature, for being so immensely supportive about school. For being two of the very few, and from when I first brought it up, to tell me how much the former TTRP, now Intercultural Theatre Institute suited me infinitely better than La Salle. And even when I'd said yes to La Salle (and these days, Yes costs money), telling me that if ITI is what I want, then I should try for it- even if it doesn't promise me a place just yet.

You two were a major reason I chose to say no to La Salle and go with my gut. Even though my gut was actually a bit weak. The both of you have also been a source of encouragement in a lot of areas besides school, and I am grateful for you both very much.

Erika:

For being my pillar of strength, my healthy dose of reality and practicality, and just being an amazing support to me all the time. At the peak of SYF, you were the one telling me to slow down, to find time for me. You saw me through quite a few things- my relapse into bulimia being one of them. You were around for my shitty days as much as you were around for my happy days and most importantly, you were around for those moments before I even saw myself falling apart until I was sitting in your bed and talking and bawling and bawling and talking. Thank you, for giving me hugs whenever I've needed them, for finding time for yoghurt and playgrounds amidst your schedule. For always asking me what you can do to make things better, for holding my hand when I'm scared and for always wanting to be around for me. A lot of things are a whole lot more bearable, because of you. You're the world to me and I love you. Please know that.

My bestest friends in the world:

Vicky, Bird, Dory, Eme and Vic, for being my go-to-people. For making me laugh incessantly at stupid things, for the times that we get to spend just sitting around being absolute idiots and blowing bubbles until it's half two in the morning. Bird and Vv, for being close enough to call and cry and text, even though it's quite apparent that we've all got our own shit going on a lot of the time. Dory, for suddenly appearing back in Singapore when we least expect it (omg, you have no idea how happy it makes me- I pretend you've never left). Eme, for being considerate and constantly being the butt of our jokes. You truly are beautiful in your beastliness, please know that. Victor, for even now, being that one person I can call and say, "Are you home?" And meet up with you and not talk about what's bugging me. For being the one who knows exactly when to take the cigarettes away from me and when to let me ruin my good streak. For being around, and still (though it was just a once- off this year) showing me pretty places and having me remember that there's still very much that part of me that sits on balconies and smokes too much and pretends that I can make it go all go away by not talking about things.

Thank you, because I don't know where I'd be without the five of you.

Nora:

For being an amazing boss, an amazing friend and an amazing mentor. For telling me and making me believe just how much more I am capable of. For guiding me, for teaching me, for telling me my skirt is too short. You're an inspiration, and I hope you never forget that. I wouldn't have been ever been able to hold on, and push myself as far as I have, if not for you.

Ethan:

For being that person who I get to talk endlessly about theatre with. For taking my bitchy side as much as I take your asshole side. For not judging me for it. For bitching with me. For talking with me. For hours I can spend talking about things that are so, so impossibly close to both our hearts. For bringing me to the realization that it is Singapore Theatre that runs through my veins before any other theatre scene. For understanding a lot of my opinions and ideas, even if we hold different beliefs about certain things.

Justin:

For keeping me in mind when you go to new, lovely looking places. For showing me pictures, for giving me snippets of home that make me ache but make me smile at the same time. For time we've spent on skype or on the phone. For your amazing letters and gifts and being one of those people, too far away from me that I find I miss on a random day. For your insanely hilarious and entertaining tales about housemates and trips. For being that person who, despite going off to study accounts (as opposed to say, architecture), has gone on to find more things to be wowed by. For including me in little day-to-day things, like the cooking of your asian meals and the sniffing of your medicated oil.

My Kuo Chuan Babies:

For just being absolutely amazing teenagers. For that birthday surprise you gave me this year that absolutely made my day. For trying so, so, SO hard, during SYF. For always wanting to do more, to try harder, to be better, to be more. I love you guys for that. Yes, it didn't start out altogether easy and we took a while to get where we did. But you have to know, that I am so, so impossibly proud of all of you. That every time I speak of you, I still smile. That you have grown into such amazing people and I am glad that I got to take such an insanely amazing journey with you. Spending as much time as I did with you, allowed me to watch you guys change and become the people you are today. And damn, you ought to be as proud of yourselves as I am of you. Because that performance you gave, that day on SYF, that was amazing and I couldn't have ever, ever asked for more.

Please, promise me you'll keep growing, that you'll keep trying, that you won't ever stop being the amazing people you are.

For all the rest:

The people I've met, whether by chance, accident or in (your) drunken stupor- through parties, projects or in bar fights that I've never been in, for people I've been close to before but could only meet up with a couple of times this year-

Thank you for just being around. For talking when you have and giving my life just that bit more than work.

Last, but most definitely not least,

God:

Who has been with me through every step of the way. Who has moulded me, guided me and granted me peace whenever I'm shitting in my pants. Who has opened my heart and ears to Him, who has continued to help me grow, painful as it sometimes might be. For being with me as I auditioned, as I got my acceptance letter and as I got my scholarship award. This, all of this, none of it could have been without You.

________________________________________________________

It's going to be a very new, very different, very trying sort of year. There'll be so much adjusting, so much to get used to and so much more to be afraid of.

But, as with every year that comes, I'll just throw myself head in and see what comes of it.

Happy 2012 all of you(: