View of the carpark

Letting her bags drop to the floor, she reaches towards her drawer.

Her In Case Of Emergency drawer.

Opens the tiny ziplock bag its in and grabs her tiny lighter off the counter, heading straight for the window.

And she breathes.

Oh she breathes, and tries to find relief.

_____________________________

I would call it an episode of sorts. Can't say I know what's up with me, really.

But I found myself tired, sick, annoyed, frustrated and biting back tears on an escalator.

It all hit me at once. And in a text to a rather concerned Erika, it sounded something like-

I HATE MY BIRTHDAY. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT.

Okay, major exaggeration. But I was hit by that. It was sudden, solid, and real.

And I was overwhelmed by such immense annoyance and frustration.

I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around at that point.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to Veek and Qing, for being such a baby and a brat, Vicky and Eme and even Mommy for not being the best company towards the end, and Erika for clearly not being the happiest of bunnies on the phone.

I'm sorry, and thank you for putting up with me(:

Whatever this is,

it'll pass.

Tomorrow I will disappear into my life.

_______________________________

This evening:

Thank you

To Mommy, for thinking tonight up

To Erika, who made it after a long day at work and an equally long one tomorrow, for writing me a letter that made me smile

To Eme, Veek & Enqing who came at such short notice and straight from work/school

To Vicky, who made it especially after tutoring at 9 at night and for making me smile by telling me I looked pretty when all I really wanted to do was sit down and cry

For turning up, for being you, for taking time to hang out, when all we've been is busy.

And Thank You,

To Bird, for calling when it was my Birthday on your side of the world, and making my night.

We all say hello too.

You made me smile and want to tear up all at once.

I love you(:

On birthdays, aging, and feeling like a Princess while it happens

I've always loved Birthdays.

Always.

Not just my own but everyone else's as well. It's that one day a year that you get to be spoilt rotten. That one day when everything, absolutely everything, ought to go your way.

One day where you have double the reason to throw a bitch fit if someone spills something on you, or you're made to take the train.

I love birthdays.

Except this year, I'm growing increasingly frustrated, no that's not it, increasingly irked by the idea of my birthday.

Actually, it just sort of happened in a flash.

I don't really feel like doing much with my birthday. And oh I know it's supposed to be special, and if it were me, I'd jump at all these "special" sort of numbers- 12 (last year before you're a teen), 13 (first year you ARE a teen), 18 (legal), 19 (last year of being a teen), 20 (OMG! The big Two-Oh), 21 (More legal?), 25 (quarter of a century) the list, it goes on.

Except,

I feel like sitting at home.

I'm working, this birthday, and you know what, I honestly don't mind it. I've scheduled a session with Kuo Chuan and I have a full day with them.

Mommy wants to hang out this evening though, except I don't know if I'm capable of pulling off a Sit-at-the-bar-til-we-hit-midnight sorta thing. I'm tired and old, old and tired.

And I have work in the morning.

Last year, at least the evening before, it sorta of irked me a bit. Because I'm always so anal about the whole omg-it's-an-hour-before-the-birthday!-thing.

It wasn't anything special.

ALTHOUGH, Keith was very sweet and we met up. Yes, somehow I sailed into my new age with Keith and the chocolate muffin she bought me as a cake.

This year, for some reason, I don't feel like being awake when it happens.

I don't feel like being aware of that single moment when the numbers change on me.

And I've never been like this, ever.

Every other aspect of my life's going completely fine. It's wonderful.

Erika says it's my birthday week and that means I can have anything I want.

So then,

what if I'd just like to sit at home with Sushi, wine and My Best Friend's Wedding?

Or Greys' Anatomy. I could do that too.

How about if I wanted to spend it practicing the monologue I've just memorized for my audition- because I'm just so in love with Ellen's words?

And how about, I don't think about all this crazily different things that I'm about to be going through this year. And how, it actually feels like my life is (almost) restarting?

The birthday

was different.

quiet, planned
and I am ashamed that sometimes I miss the brilliance right in front of me.


The birthday,
was still.
Peaceful, peachful.
Not a chance of the week-long celebration that I used to indulge in.

It wasn't about me, and I liked it like that this year.

"Fuck man, princess or what?" Vicky said one year.
But birthdays are a big deal for me because it's just, one of those days where you get to be self-absorbed and annoying and believe (in your fuh-reaking mind) that you can control time.
That it is two in the afternoon when it's already half six,
that it's two and a half, when it's already eight.
That the world can freeze and the sun setting doesn't mean that the park's going to get dark.



I am naked, but I'm not unravelled.
Baring all, but not ashamed.


This birthday, it was different.
I never do things like that,
Never curl up on grass and feel like there isn't any more to this than what is already around me.
Never sit to stare at parts of huge ponds that have gone so still it's like there might be cobwebs hanging just over it.


And I am here.
Happier, but still floaty.
Because the smell of grass, it clings to you, wraps you up in all these bundles of joy and clam-like happiness that make you believe, if you tuck reality away for long enough it won't come out to haunt you.


But a lot of things, they aren't meant for you to keep.

one, two, three-thousand-three

OMG I realize how much I cannot stand people with horrid English.
I've been driven to blog hopping because no one blogs these days! Neither do those random people who's blogs I read.
So there's this one ah lian who played truth or dare over the weekend. Except she kept calling it
TRUE OR DARE and on top of that, kept going on about how
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE TRUE OR DARE GAME OSO ARX!

cringe.

So about ten minutes ago, Buttons was being a huge brat and I was getting super cross with her. She was climbing all over my stuff, and I chucked her out of the room. But then she looked at me with these huge, gorgeous sad eyes and I felt like such a monster):
So I left the room door open and now she's all nice and comfy and dozing off on the telly in my room. I love it when she's such a good girl!

Anyhoos, I had a gorgeous gorgeous GORGEOUS weekend. The food I had was super fantastic! (Including Macdonalds at midnight and Starbucks' hot chocolate, which I didn't finish.)
Pool view, breakfast by the pool (which we actually woke up for), HAPPINESS MUCH!
<3

For V

yay! you're legal!
Please do that super funny thing with your ic and shaky hands. in fact, lets go buy you some fake retainers and tie your hair in two ponytails to make you look younger:D:D:D

-------------

So tonight will have us eating good food and drinking lots. I should be allowed to smoke by now but hmmmm.
AND, I'm going tanning! yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEKEND! Many many things to do and lots of drinks to drink!
arghckadadsresdfa
excited much! sorry!

More pictures that I should share, lest they grow mould inside Heather

Okay so I checked through my old posts and realized I DID post up pictures, but they were all only from Enqing's camera!
So these shots are all from The Little Creature's instead! yayyyy
And they're all pretty much in random order cos I'm rushing off for dinner.

Well, it's my party and I'll put up random photos if I want to!







Meet Elizabeth, our ladies' man:



Told you so, hahaha




Our other trigger happy person other than TLC!

She always did have more fun with herself
and vicky's boob.










WHAT I HAD FOR DINNER. DAAAAAAMN NICE.
sorry, quite crazy about salmon. teehe
i (heart) macaroons forever and ever and everrrrrrrryayyyyy!
Well don't complain now, I usually don't even bother with pictures!
harhar

Birthday-Day

claaaaasic.
Thanks you, Enqing, who was the photog for this series of shots and who was adamant on not ever having a picture of him in glasses((:
eme: Sniff. Stop it Aunty Anne, you can never beat me at being unglamorous.
eme: omg, amateurs!
Yes this is in very random order. Cake cutting while they doze off. hahahah



Fantastic cake
and then victor morphed into a greyhound.

pictures of the picture-taker.
Well, one of them anyways!


see-taw-belleh
Vees.


It was a brilliant birthday for me, even though I didn't want it to be too much of a hoopla.
But mommy never lets it go by with anything less.
I loooooved my presents this year!
This entire little party at Luxury Living (a lovely place to drink but which you shouldn't get drunk at) was mommy's present.
The Little Creature pooled with V and Eme for my FUCKING GORGEOUS PINK CAT CARRIER. I need a pic of that asap.
IT IS FUCKING PRETTY, I SWEAR TO GOD!
Enqing MADE (yes, you read right, MADE) me a bracelet and matching earring set in my favourite colour, and a super duper cute card.
And Victor's present just got delivered today! It's a scratch post for Buttons! It's a perfectly adorable little thing in black and orange and just, incredibly pretty.
Buttons loves it. But I'm preeeetty sure I love it more. hahaha
And I'm quite sure i love the pink kitty-carrier more than she does!
Also, way before my birthday, my RVH students made me a card and got me a pair of earrings((:

All in all, I had the most brilliant birthday presents and our little affair was absolutely awesome.

Thank you to everyone who came, to those who helped out, to those who planned and pretended and called and said "OH SHIT" before hanging up. To everyone who sent well wishes and birthday greetings and prayers and called in to say hi, to anyone who thought of doing that but didn't and to Buttons for being a good girl in the morning(:

It was an utterly brilliant day and I loved every single bit of it.
Mommy was right though, the only way for me to keep her birthday present this year, is in an imaginary box in my brain(:

I'm happy with the couple of birthday presents I got myself (I know, right)
One of which includes my website (ahmahgad, thanks again Vic) and Buttons aaaaaaand...
Ma, meet Grace. Her name's pronounced Charis too.





PS: You're right Ann. haha
xoxo