Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Kym's First Sunset

So Kym took this while we had an evening blade-about yesterday (Monday I mean. I'm aware I'm writing on a Wednesday now).
It was the prettiest thing, more so in real life but I'm sure that has something to do with the shades that Umi bought me for my birthday. They have a tendency of making colors look more intense, saturated, somehow. It's lovely, looking at the world through those shades.
It's almost as if Umi handed me my birthday present(s) - the clutch with everything inside- had me pull out the white earrings and chunky necklace to match the clutch and then the shades, not just to match it but so that everyone else who wouldn't have my pretty presents to wear would still look pretty.
Aren't I self-absorbed.
You must ask to look through those shades if you get the chance.
It really does make things prettier; The world and its sunsets, glistening waters, post-rain skies. Already beautiful things are made more beautiful and random miss-able stuff are made noticeable.

I need to pack.
I haven't started.
And I'm excited about the prospect of starting to pack,

I had an incredibly late lunch with Diana this afternoon at three frikkin' thirty (how did we even last that long babe?!) and we nomnom-ed on theee loveliest things.
We had a lovely chat, while the rain poured on the empty streets of Somerset and we nursed mugs of warm water and talked about fantastically romantic ideas.
Some nice, most just simply, terrifying. For myself at least.
I worry a bit about her.
All these things seem to find their way back to a lot of pain and immense self-loathing.

Love isn't supposed to hurt like this, it isn't.
It's not all sunshine and daisies, that's for certain,
but it shouldn't have to hurt so much.
Mommy told me that once, and I couldn't find anything to say to that.
She could've come up with a world of reasons for that first relationship I was in, especially when it was on the rocks, way before that random night in March. She could've attacked him, as a person, or the fundamental flaws that a lot of our relationship was built on.
She could even have thrown the bible and all the Christian values at me, which she did every so often.

But she didn't that night.
She found me, crying quietly. Not even bawling. Not rocking back and forth, I don't think. Just sitting and crying.
And she said,
"Baby, love isn't supposed to hurt like this. It isn't supposed to hurt this much."
But because I couldn't see the forest through the trees, I just thought,
"If I shouldn't be hurting or feeling this way, then what am I doing wrong?"
I'll always remember what she said to me. I think it's the best piece of advice she's given me my whole life.

And I've found myself saying the same thing to other people too, when it made sense that is-
Dawn, when I could hear her crying through my bedroom door and through hers. When it felt like I might cry for her as well.

Because yes, there's always the odd tiff now and then, the clash of opinions.
But it isn't supposed to be

And as I grew to understand that, things just started making more sense.
How can someone possibly say they love you and then rip you into absolute shreds moments later?
How can someone say they love and then call you a slut, or tell you that you won't ever be a successful actress or that you're being such a child for not wanting to be like the rest of the world?
How can someone say they love you and then take all that's left of you when you barely had any left for yourself anymore?

But well, knowledge doesn't cushion your fall very much.
And sometimes we need to make our own mistakes so that we understand it the way we need to and have to.
In any case, I always believe it'll be a story for the grandkids and the electric fireplace.

That aside, I enjoyed myself today,
and post late-lunch/early dinner thingum saw me heading for Holland V while Diana went off for work.
Went to Diana King's and had some me-time, which I liked very much.
I've had a bit of me-time today, the first dose being my blade-about.
Is love!(:

So I rang T today, and it was nice; We enjoyed (relative) alone-time over coffee/green tea frappe together (i think the oxymoron of this is funny, so I keep saying it. haha), while having a wee bit of space in between.
I just hope I don't rack up some kind of insane phone bill for her:/ I'd feel absolutely horrid. Gah!
She sounded happy on the phone today. It's very nice when she sounds like that, it's a bit infectious really.

It's half past three in the morning now, when I started at half past one.
I don't suppose I'll get much packing done,
and there is work tomorrow.
I have missed work.
I have missed work immensely.

I will go stare at plane tickets that won't take me anywhere now.
Goodnight furry people!

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