Saturday, May 1, 2010

Dreaming wide awake

"I'll miss you when I wake up though,"
--Alice, Alice In Wonderland

If you're dreaming, and you ask someone in that dream whether or not this is, in fact, a dream,
that person would tell you it isn't.
And it's less of a conspiracy than it sounds, I'm sure.

that sort of happens in real life too, doesn't it?

I've found myself in a bit of a strange place. I'm much less floaty as compared to a couple of months back, which is good I suppose.
But I also feel like I'm supposed to know exactly where things are and what's going on. Like, didn't I know exactly where the parsley was, and the can of sauce? And when it turns up, it's not even in a place I have any memory of.
It scares me a bit.
I don't need everything to be just so, but I do have very organized mess. I know exactly where my things are and where they would be if they weren't where they're supposed to be.
And then I go to a cupboard in my kitchen, open it up, and feel like I ought to ask somebody what they've got in there that I can use.
It's frightfully odd, frankly speaking.

So bits and pieces of life, the bits we skim over, push out of our minds and leave the future-us to deal with, it's starting to catch up.
And that's the only thing I can blame, for this strange mood I've been in, the last couple of days.
I could very much have done with a smoke and a couple of drinks last night after dinner with The Little Creature, but, Fridays being Fridays,
I somehow saw myself crawling into bed at half eleven.

Between then and about half two in the morning I dozed mid-text, waking periodically to find I'd typed in absolute rubbish but wanting very much to find the words I needed, to send that single text.
It was most strange though, because can't text messages wait til the morning, if I'm falling asleep? But my body and brain seemed adamant on me arranging my words onto that tiny screen and pressing that green button before it'd let me curl up and hope I didn't sound like a complete fool.

Okay, digression over.
Bits and pieces of life, did I say?
People leaving, best friends leaving, and not just the country, mind you.

The whole thing with Ann na, it popped up again recently. It makes me quite sad, come to think of it. But there isn't anything we can do, really.
I don't suppose she even knows that Bird and I are leaving this year.
We must've done something pretty bad for her to want to cut the four of us out of her life, but I can't think what. I certainly did not see any possibility of never seeing/hearing from her again, the last time we talked.
It's sad, and I miss her. But it's not like we can do anything.

And Bird, her departure date just freaking turned up, just like that!
I'm sure she'll be back now and then, but I mean, with three out of four of us out of the country, we're not always going to time our returns, are we? And honestly speaking, it's so unlikely for me to come back, even for visits, because I'm already with family.
Then when V gets her little tushie out of her, good God! We'll need to pick a random spot in the world to meet up, won't we darlings?

We'll figure something out for sure, I know we will.
But the whole idea of all these big steps towards the rest of our lives, it's quite daunting.

This isn't the end of it either actually.
There're heaps of other things I've kept from mind, or just deliberately blocked out because I refuse to sit down and dissect it all.
I always do that. Sit down, reason, tear things apart and put it back together so I know what's happening, what things are made of. But just this once, I don't seem to be doing that very much.
We'll cross the bridge when we get there, is what I think.
Future-me will probably have more brains to handle all the thoughts and feelings and words running amok.

Meanwhile, I will just sit and sip on my tea.

Saturday is here, and it feels quite nice, really.
There's tidying up to do though, Little Creatures to feed and glasses of port to pour every half hour or so(:
I'm heading for the premiere of Big Girl later on, hopefully with The Little Creature as my hot date. teehee.

And then there's dinner,
and special places that you absolutely must see, and which I hope you'll like when you do.

Light, it comes around and I
find my fingers running over
my dreams from last night

No comments: