We're after the same
Rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend

Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me, I'm falling for you

He offered me the universe
But inside my heart's a picture of a girl

Maybe this time

Tell me how to be
Tell me what to do
Tell me all that it'll take to be exactly what you need of me

Because I don't quite know where I am anymore.



Sent from my iPhone

Sometimes I think, a huge part of being with someone, with staying with someone, is knowing why.

As opposed to just staying put for the sake of staying put, that is.

But having said that,
I think I've got this awful habit of asking myself far too many questions and second-guessing myself a bit more than I should.

I'm all unfinished thoughts and half sentences
When really,
All I mean to say is
That I think she's beautiful

The spotless mind

I like that I write. It helps me remember. But sometimes, even with writing, I forget.

Maybe one's brain blocks things out to keep you safe.. But then there's that thing where- even if you don't remember, your subconscious does and your body most certainly does.
The way I sometimes flinch at something you say, or recoil at a certain touch; it's not you- It's some part of me reacting to something similar that's happened before or something.

There are some things that have happened that we don't remember, but that's locked away in our bodies instead.
There are some things I don't remember. And i remember only when I pour through page after page after tear-stained page of old writings. It is then that I begin to see and trace back and understand myself a little better. And I am grateful I wrote when I did.


And then there is you, now.
Babe,
I want to remember. My god, I do.
The way we picked out faucets for a home we didn't have and chose cars based on the number of kids who weren't yet on the way.
The way we'd fall asleep on grass in the middle of the day, or polish off a bottle of wine with our roast chicken.
The way you taught me the sound of a smile and the finding of calm in the evenness of someone's breathing.

There are so many things that feel like they've just happened yesterday... So many things that feel like we're still in that unrooted, hazy, dreamy state we first started out in. And that's what's extra exciting.

I want to remember-
You and us and all the things I've felt when I'm with you.

And if I start to forget...
If the humdrum of our lives get to us, and our workaholism gets the better of us to the point missing each other becomes a familiar dull throb somewhere inside that we stop paying attention to,
That I, stop paying attention to-
Help me remember then, won't you?

Because there might come things I'll grow tired of feeling, things we bring up wearily because we've gone over them before and it's not getting better. There are aches we might get used to and an absence we might learn to live with albeit with spoonfuls of resentment to taste.
But I am always going to want to remember everything that came before. Promise I am.

So please,
Say you won't let me forget?

Love, The Invisible Girl

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me i'm falling

Losing myself in the air

Catch me I'm falling

Don't leave me crawling

Catch me and show me you care

Catch me I'm falling

Please hear me calling

Catch me before it's too late

Catch me before it's too late

Guess our thing with time warps hasn't grown old yet

So.
I know we usually try to steer clear of sappy sweet little nothings in the form of monthsaries, anniversaries of the first flower you ever bought me and celebrating the 83rd day 17th hour of the first time I called you baby...
But-

It's been a while; a lovely while at that. And I think we've come quite far.
Not just with each other, but as individuals. And I think that's rather important.

I admire the person you are, the things that you stand for and the determination that drives you. I also like the person you've taught me to be, and the sides of me you've helped find.
We've had our fair share of ups and downs, I do believe, and I think we've worked things out pretty okay. I like that.

i like you.
A lot.

Chilly air and big plans for crisps, couches and naps

I miss this.

Maybe, Baby

I hope you know,
You've always been my everything.
And you would've been surrounded by people who couldn't possibly love you more.

I might not have been able to promise you a lot..
But I promise I would've loved you wholly, fiercely.
The way I have since the first day I knew about you.

Promise I'll hold you.
How couldn't I?

#nofilter

If you could only see all the amazing things I do,
When I'm looking right at you.

Making up

So the weekend made things a lot better.
I guess I've really been missing being able to properly spend time with each other.

I must say, could've done without the food poisoning to end off my Tuesday night. But I am immensely grateful for the love and care and concern and looking-after that I got from the people around me. ☺☺

So.
Just like that, I'm in the middle of a new week.
I think I'm still in the middle of adjusting and still trying to sort through outstanding things that need sorting out. It's a whole new set of problems, I guess, when your deadlines are your own and when you need to work out time frames that match other people's as well.
But. I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I just need to get to it. As soon as my tummy feels tip top and I'm less...
Sluggish.

Spent

Because I'm all yours anyway. 

_____________________________

You don't have to say you love me

Just be close at hand

You don't have to stay forever

I will understand

Believe me,

Believe me

I love you but I'll never tie you down

_______________________________

There should be fewer Fridays that leave you in tearful messes by noon. 

_______________________________

Here's a possibility:

What if...

I've just been needing someone too?

Que sera sera

Tuesday afternoon, after teaching the most amazing learning-needs class in the entire term combined, I found myself stopping off in King Albert Park's Cold Storage.
It was just to pick up a couple of things for baking later on, and it was a pretty quick trip. But as I smiled at the cashier and made off with fresh blueberries and such, I thought-
This is the kind of mother I want to be.

I want to be able to work as much and as long as I need to, but also have days where I can fill my home with the smell of recipes I may or may not be the most confident about.

I want to hear my children tripping over themselves as they scramble through the front door and have them know there'll be Paleo Banana bread still warm from the oven that'll be waiting for them when they're put the shower.

And I want you home in time for dinner, sneaking me a kiss just before. To have you frowning at me the way you do when you find I've spent the afternoon baking/ cleaning/ painting instead of catching up on rest. To have you look at me incredulously and ask why I'm baking low-carb high fat desserts, and to navigate away from a possible argument by asking if you can switch the music in the player.

Until tomorrow.

Sometimes it feels like there isn't room for mistakes. 

And sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder how long I've spent feeling like that. Being afraid. 

Feeling like I'm half sentences, running my bare feet against the edges of rocky cliffs. 

I wonder how it is that I miss you,

Before you've even left.

_____________________________

You never saw how far the crack had opened

You never knew I had run out of rope. 

______________________________

Don't you ever think, my darling,

That there are far too many times we've let the sun set on us feeling like this?

Endings

And so, quite suddenly it seems,
we're in our last week of filming.

Yes, it's been a long journey, with long, long days (wayyyyyyy longer for the amazing and hardworking people I've had the pleasure of working with). But while we've been tired and started out barely able to see the week we'd shoot the last episode,
suddenly,
here we are.


It's been sounding like this'll launch us into another phase that is just as (if not more) exciting. I hope it all turns out as promising as it's been sounding.
I'm excited(:

Sometimes,

Don't you just...

Know?

I don't have the words to tell you how I think you're the loveliest, most incredible, most perfect thing in the world to me. 

On the subject of Forevers...

Well I suppose, sometimes, you just...know.
And when you get there, if you get there, there isn't any denying it-
You figure, you know what you want and what you want is the person standing in front of you. And you want them for... Well, forever really.

And for some people it's just a... Natural progression. It's the next step forward and so it makes sense.
For some others who've spent ages getting all the fun they can out of life, they find themselves drawn to finally settling down.
And all that is... well it's pretty something, isn't it? This whole choosing-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with-someone is always pretty something.
To me it is.
It's always been.


And if you ask me...
(And it's been asked in various ways this evening, speaking of which)
Do I believe in marriage?
Yeah.
Maybe not the concept of "The One" but...
I believe in someone being right for you, I believe in timing being a very important player and I believe in trying very hard to make things work.
I believe in being on the same page and wanting the same things, and working towards certain goals. I believe in growing together, changing together... And wanting that to happen.
I believe in finding someone who things fit with, who things fall into place with.

Which also leaves me afraid.
I'm afraid that it might be true-
That if someone says they're not the marrying sort, that they'll never be the marrying sort. And that if someone says they'll never want kids, that they'll never wake up one day and want kids.

I'm afraid we're always going to say,
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there..." Except we'll realize, a long way down, that we came up to the same fucking bridge a few fucking times and then just steered ourselves away from it instead.

I'm afraid of...
Waking up one day and wondering if we really are on the same page. Or realizing we're not.
And then...
And then what? What then?

When you love someone so much, so fully and so wholly,
When you've poured yourself into something you wanted to be in for the long run,
When this person you wake up to in the morning is everything you've ever needed and ever wanted...
What happens the morning that you wake up and realize that you're actually on different pages?

But then, like a car careening to the edge of a cliff, I stop short just a breath away, reel myself back and think...
I'm really not quite there yet, in any case, am I?
Sure, settling down at some point sounds nice but certainly not right now.
Someone else could say "Yes" right now but, no, not me. I couldn't.
And that's okay, really.
It is.


I guess it's just that there's a little part of me that, on top of the other things I'm afraid of, is wondering if I'll ever be the girl someone looks at and thinks,
"I couldn't possibly do the rest of my life without her."

Wishes on fallen eyelashes

I cannot answer their questions about forevers, or whether I'm ready to spend the next decade in a given country. I can't tell you how I'll work it out, or what will happen to all the pictures I've dreamed up.


But I do know I want to be with you.
That I want our home to be filled with music and the smell of something in the oven. That I want to come through the front door and get annoyed that you forgot to defrost tonight's dinner.

And I'm not saying that wanting it is enough to make it happen, it's not.
But at least for right now, I just want to sit here and want these things,
and not think about how close or how far out of reach they are.

Band-aids

So instead, I spent last night having a tearful conversation with you.
Except it was all in my head.

Because then I get to be honest, without feeling like I'm saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

Without feeling like I'm wrong, period.

All the new things I never saw coming

You're doing it wrong Charis,

You're just all wrong. 

Stop getting in the way

The shorter end of the stick

There are so many things we should have been talking about that just gave way to this...This situation instead.

And that's what upsets me, even now.
Because how are we going to backpedal through the entire month to find all the things we should have been pouring out to each other while we were fighting someone else's battle instead?

So sure, we can fix this, and we'll get back on track with each other and be okay- I'm sure of it.
But all the stuff I've missed out on with you, and you with me, how do make up for that? And why are we the ones having to do making up of any sort anyway, when it wasn't us who started or were directly involved in this whole tragic affair in the first place?

And y'know,
Y'know how I've always said I wouldn't have wanted you to never have helped? And you know how I keep saying that at least we tried and it should make us happy that our friends are?
It's a little bit hard to keep telling myself that when I find ourselves here.

His world will go on turning

There are so many things I've wanted to tell you, wanted to say to you
That I've forgotten them all.

Every single one of them.

Missing

Dear whoever you are,

Find me?

Find me,

Find me. 

_______________________________

There are days I feel like I'm breaking.

_______________________________

I remember this. I remember this feeling. 

This wanting to be enough, wanting you to look my way twice. And I remember learning again how to be on my own, how to be okay, how to be sad and need a cuddle but pack my things and head to the gym instead. I've been here before, and I can do it again. 

I can. 

Because everywhere I turn, she's always going to be right there saying,

"They'll want you, but only when you're beautiful."

______________________________

How about

You get back to me when you want to. 

_______________________________

I have no doubt that I could love you

Forever

The only trouble is 

You really don't have the time. 

Upses and downses

Sometimes, and right now is one of those times, I feel like work is the only thing keeping me rooted.

At its best, I am happy, fulfilled, busy but satisfied and sure of where I'm going. And at its worst, I am sometimes slightly peeved, but overall pretty much content.

Work is like that for me a lot of the time, but I guess I just really miss putting away all of that and coming home at the end of the day to you..
To us.

But then, I'm also afraid that I'm just asking too much. I mean, that's the way it has to be sometimes, when we're in the swing of the things, right?
And it's not like we're not trying..

So maybe it's just that there've been a whole lot of other things going on too...
And maybe, this is just one of those times where I'll have to learn to sit tight and wait
Until you come back home and curl up on the couch with me again.

Put your wings down, and stay

"Whatcha thinkin?"
"Barcelona"
"Oh.."
"Flight Eighteen-"
"Stay a minute?"
"I would like to-"
"So?"

"Stay a minute."
"No I can't."

Postcards from a breaking heart

There are some days your absence feels like a dull, throbbing ache.

I watch a show, laugh at how horrible it is before it hits me that the last time I watched it, you were curled up with me, content and comfortable despite my yelling at the Telly.

Can I be honest here?
I don't know how you're gone. I don't understand it. I am physically unable to get over the quiet you've left behind.

It's so quiet.

I throw open the windows in the apartment, almost viciously, to let in fresh air.
And in my head I say, I don't have to worry about you running out. But a whisper of truth tucked behind my ear reminds me it's because you've already done that.

But in the same way I do that, I look for you when the magic-wipe squeaks a little too loud, to tell you it's just me. When a thunderstorm starts, I wonder if you're okay, and if you'd rather be in the room because you get so scared. I want to tell you i'm here if you want a cuddle. And when the idiot neighbour downstairs starts smoking and it gets in the house, I slide the windows shut and turn to you wanting to say I'll keep you out of the laundry room for a bit,
except ...

You're not here.

Trains hurtling in all the wrong directions.

Hey here's a thought-
I keep working overtime in my want for other people to be happy,
But maybe I want someone to do that for me too.

My body sends you postcards

So maybe I love you.
And maybe sometimes I find myself wishing for things I simply cannot have. At least, not all of it.

So maybe I need to work extra hard at balancing how I feel for you, with all the things I want for myself.

Not because I love you any less, or because I shouldn't love you.
But because maybe, some part of me figures that, at the end of the day, I still want to come home to you.

It's been written in the scars of our hearts

Oh tear ducts and rust

I'll fix it for us

We're collecting dust

But our love's enough

You're holding it in

You're pouring a drink 

No nothing's as bad as it seems

We'll come clean

______________________

I've been sad.

How do I want it all of these things when I don't get to take all of it in with the person who's all the world to me?

For this wide-eyed wanderer

Promise me I won't outgrow my dreams
That as many times as I shelf my plans, I'll always take them down to look at again.

______________________________________________________________



_________________________________________________________________

I've been sad.
Because I do this all the time-
dream, and hope, and think up pictures that are much too pretty for my own good, only to pack them away. We always want this next time to be different, and it doesn't always promise to be.
Sometimes it feels like I've spent my life wanting so much for everyone around me to be happy. Doing things that will make it easier to get on with their lives,  that won't disrupt it, that will never risk them feeling like they're being forced into something they don't want.
Then I look at myself and I...
I'm not unhappy. I'm not dissatisfied. And I know, believe me I do, that I have it good for me here and there's no reason for me not to stay. And I'm happy and grateful and content in a I-am-settled- sorta way.

But sometimes I think, that isn't reason enough.

And parts of me, they already started wandering far, far away before I understood fully what it meant to be the child who could and who would switch accents in a given setting just to blend in.

I'm afraid and sad, all at the same time because of all the things I feel myself reaching for but am unwilling to say out loud.
Or I do say it out loud, in a hey-here's-a-crazy-idea- kinda way that's met with a response not a fraction as crazy and infinitely more practical.
and mostly..
I just want to be where you are.
And I want you to be happy.


I just...
also want that for me.

Wistful

Promise we'll call our children beautiful and nothing else. 

__________________________

Because don't we deserve to be this happy?

All the time?

Oh the way pretty places capture your heart

So let's be quite honest here, I rarely put up these sorts of long, picture-filled posts. But I figured, this was a pretty eventful trip! So i weeded out the more fun, more picturesque ones, and thought I'd share them.

In the spirit of being honest, here's a confession-

I've got a soft spot for Perth.

Quite without meaning to, i fell in love and took absolute ages to recover. And then for a while there was the dreaming up pretty things, and looking up possibilities, but mostly, there was this holiday coming at us. And one we had planned for and looked forward to for absolute ages.

I often try to keep myself from being too excited and only succeed in failing miserably.

But anyway, it was quite a lovely, productive trip, and these are all the bits that don't involve me hiding in a bathroom and crying myself stupid.

I'm not saying it happened a lot, but what would holidays be without a couple of those, hey? I think one ends up happier, if one remembers to be sad every so often.

(cue wry laugh).

But enough of my inane nattering! Here are pictures (lots of them) and summaries of our time spent away-

 This is us, on the plane, and ready for take off!

 And the sight we were greeted with, upon arrival at Uncle Adrian's and Aunty Freida's.

and then, it was, GOOD MORNING COTTESLOE.

Easily one of the most beautiful mornings to wake up to. Sometimes I wake up now and am puzzled at how I don't feel cold. Or how I'm not smiling quietly to myself as I watch the sun peek out from rooftops.

 We had a wander-about. (How couldn't we?)
But just for a bit. So that we could come back in time foooooor-

 Aunty Freida's cooking. Which is pretty something, I must say. Not like we didn't already know this. But this time round it was like,
HELLO I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I AM BEING SPOILT.

That evening...

 We went to Sharon's where we hung out, talked and cuddled on the couch with
Tigger.

The next day, we headed into the city for our pancake fix-

Where we stuffed our faces, poked around in shops (can you tell we're not city people?) and headed off to meet Michelle and Talani.

Being us though, we had to find an empty playground, fiddle with the lock and go hang out on the swings for a bit.

After which, we  made juice with Michelle's new blender, waited til five to open a bottle of wine, and headed home for more good food. 

 


Then.
We left for Melbourne.
Now. Here's the thing.
I wasn't aware of the two hour time difference, and figured we could spend the six hours on the plane sleeping. Except of course it wasn't six hours, it was much shorter.
SO.
We turned up in Melbourne, in the wee hours of the morning, amazingly sleep-deprived, and settled for first breakfast

 in our half-asleep state, before we met up with Bird (my bestest friend in theeee whole wideeee world), who woke up early for nomnoms with us.

Having needed to go off to study for exams though, she left us to go wandering about Victoria Market after brunch/ second brekkie

Where we bought a couple of things, saw lovely buys, shopped for groceries for the following night's dinner, and then walked back quickly so that we could crash out and fall asleep.

I can't say we saw a lot of Melbourne, which was a bit of a shame. But then again, we got to hang out and didn't rush around in an effort to see more of the place so... that was really okay with me, to be honest.


We went out that evening for

crepe.
In a little tucked away place, that Melbourne seems absolutely full of.
Here's a tip if you're ever heading to Melbourne-
hook up with a local, because there are heaps of lovely little places like this one to go sit in. And there're places you wouldn't find, if not for someone who knows the nooks and crannies of the city.

Erika found a place, made just for her though!

 Here, we grabbed a chilli dog for first brekkie while out on the search for second brekkie before meeting Erika's cousin.

Then we found second brekkie. This is Erika's "hmmm, which one of these many things shall I have!"- face.

 And then, the above picture is just proof we hung out with Bird, despite her needing to go study for papers.
We had her over for Blue cheese and Gnocchi. It was yum- thanks to my favourite little chef(:


Quite quickly, we packed up out of our little one-bedroom apartment and headed off for Erika's riding lesson in Oakwood.

SO. On the coldest Melbourne Winter Morn in ten years, we walked across the road to pick up the car, faced appalling service, said nothing of it because we were too cold, too calm, too asian and too fucking cold, got a free upgrade, climbed into a Ford Focus and embarked on our journey to Oakwood.
All the while deciding that Melbourne might not be the place to be.

That is of course, until we hit this part of the drive-

 (:


After a long, long, long, long time (just kidding- it wasn't really aaaall that long),
we hit a dirt road.
Now.
I had been warned by Katie not to take dirt roads with Erika because the last time they went on one, they thought they would die.

But on one we went!

With this face-

 During which I texted Uncle Ronnie and said,
"I think your daughter is trying to sell me. I don't know how many cows I'll get, considering I'm Asian."

To which he replied,
"a small herd! Especially once they find out you can make lasagna and all!"


But, the bumpy road did lead us to Oakwood-

 Where Erika road, after about a month, in the freezing cold, and I hung out with Mini, the cat who looked like I owed it to him to let him cuddle on my lap.

It was nice, seeing Erika ride. Especially because I haven't in a while. I wondered how she was coping in the cold. (She told me she felt like passing out.) But well, from the stands at least, it sounded nice- a different sort of nice than what one is used to (at least from where I was.)

After Erika's ride,
we decided to go be tourists and went to Olinda Falls.
It was the most beautiful, scenic drive I've ever been on. Absolutely gorgeous.

 To end up here-

 Down winding roads, to Olinda Falls.
Where it was quiet and beautiful and picturesque and...
I give up. My words aren't doing it justice.

But it sure was beautiful.


After which we drove to Monash to go pick Bird up from her last exam (WHICH SHE PASSED! I AM SO SO PROUD OF HER OKAY!)

 This is the racecourse.
Dude, if I had my exams here, I don't know how I'd ever freaking pass.

And that concluded our few days in Melbourne.
How exactly that trip ended could have been much better, but let's not go into that right now.

Soon,
we were back in lovely Perth where it was a little less cold, a little less city-like, and lot more at-home.

We decided after that, to have date-night and take a walk on Cottesloe Beach(:

(:

__________________________________________________

  Our first meal after Melbourne was Dim sum with Aunty Freida, Uncle Adrian and a friend in Northbridge.
As it turns out, Northbridge during the day looks quite different from at night.






The weekend that followed Melbourne, we took a trip to The Hillary's with Michelle, Talani and Karen.

 

 We also had Churros for dessert!

 And pretty as they are, who needs dream catchers when everything around you looks and feels like this?(:





We woke up the next morning to a Sunday that looked like this-

 pfffft.
And people ask me why I'm so in love with Perth!

Anyway, aside from going place to place, meeting with people and thinking about work, most of the rest of our holiday looked like this-

 hanging out in pretty little cafes with the paper, an affogato for myself and a cappuccino for her

or hanging out on the couch napping, playing word games, reading scripts and  being comfy.

taking in the prettiest looking places

hanging out with Lola

Popping into FreO for coffee

and more affogato

and chilli mussels + fish and chips

and taking in even prettier sights

_____________________________________________________

 The Wednesday before we left though,
I got to go to the concert of the one person I knew I'd always wanted to go for.

P!nk's The Truth About Love Tour was in town, and although (I'm ashamed to say), it did take a bit of convincing, I went.

I couldn't have possibly be prepared for how spectacular it was. And here's to all P!nk fans- if you're thinking about going to see her, don't think.
Just go for it.

Believe me, it is so, so, SO SO SO worth it!

 Yep!
Luckiest girl ever.

Our last night?
Hanging out with Lola, Uncle Adrian and Aunty Freida + eating good home-cooked food
+ sprawling on the couch playing word games
+ going to bed at 8:36pm.

It's official.

Luckiest girl ever(: