Hello World

So right now I am ripping open my last packet of Salon Pas to slap it on my stiff shoulders and neck.

wait ah, wave of nostalgia coming.
sigh.

okay, fine now.

See, I bought a stack of three packets of SalonPas (each with ten pieces inside) when we were in the middle of rehearsals.
Yes, our crazy intensive lovely utterly absorbing insane addictive rehearsals. And well, all that build up and intensity was for this. All of this.
Bump in on Monday, shows on Tuesday and Wednesday.
It is Wednesday today.
Our last show at Singapore Repertory Theatre.

We do have one more show at Dunman High next week, but then, that's just one show.

This, what we've just finished, was the big thing we were leading up to. And now it's kind of more or less over.
So I slap these medicated plasters on with a tinge of sadness. My hands got all cut up from crawling around and grabbing splintered poles, my legs are the canvas of an over-enthusiastic, random, unplanned (and possibly quite mad) painter; With splotches of green and blue and purple and red.
And I think, God, I am going to miss this so so much.


But that's the thing about theatre isn't it? It takes days and months to build something up, if I may quite Rachel, and then in moments it's kind of, all over the place.
The stage is empty, a staff actually tells you that you're not allowed on the stage (WTF?!) because you're in sandals, you watch your set get undrilled and packed off into the open mouth of an old lorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go all sad and watery-eyed on you.

We had an awesome show today. We really did.
Trial of Bella T was the best we'd ever done and Lord of the Flies, well, I personally found it scarier.


That's not all that happened today though.

I also gave myself a cheat-day, which was right after the last show and which made me a very happy bunny. I've been off alcohol for ohh, a while (like two weeks). So we hit the bottle at five ish. Not bad I say.





And then, two weeks early, while I was in theatre running, screaming, jumping, chanting, killing, breathing, living, being,
I became an older sister for the third time.


(:

I never kid when I talk about how much I love work

...despite the fact that I was throwing together my stuff for an invoice that I need to get sent out, and that I was doing this on an hour-long bus ride on what happened to be a non-air-conditioned bus during peak hours.

I did get off feel like I was very very pregnant and like I would freaking collapse on the road and vomit in my mouth. I felt clammy and uncomfortable but I marched myself to the juice stall where I picked up dinner, met Becs, said "Hello" and sounded like a guy, and then went up for rehearsals.

So I'm like, munching on an orange and my boss comes up to me with a huge brown paper bag from Body Shop.

Nora: Take.
C: omgomg! my hands are dirty, wait ah! Tissue please!
Jo: Where's the tissue?
C: I don't know, forget it.
(I go back to her and stare at the bag)
C: My hands are still dirty but nehhmind la.
Jo: oh here! found the tissue!
C: ohoh thanks!
Nora: aiyoh I'm getting irritated already lah, here you go!

and she pulls out a bottle of really nice soap and gives it to me:D

TEE HEEEEEEE

It's smells super duper uber nice!
And right after this post, I'm going to lather up and smell of tangerines!(:

We're getting closer to performance date. I'm a bit jittery. I feel like there's so much more for me to do. I don't feel like I'm giving enough and I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I feel like I'm trying to give my all but I'm not, not really. And I can't stand it.
Because when it comes to theatre, I always give more than everything I've got. And I don't understand why it doesn't feel like I'm giving enough.

But then, perhaps we've grown a bit old from the day-to-day of it all.
So we've been given the day off (although it's not really a day off for me because I've got to go for rehearsals for another show) and we'll meet again the following day.
There aren't any reasons, I feel.

I mean, as dry as the jokes get, as unfresh as the scenes are to us, it is solely our responsibility to keep it fresh and crisp like we've just heard/seen it for the first time.
With that knowledge, and also with the break that comes with tomorrow,
I hope Friday will turn out to be insanely high-energy. I hope we'll pick it all up instead of being all jello-ed.

I hope I put in more than I've ever put in before.

Lord of the Silent Blogger!

Why hello hello!

Feels like forever since I've bothered with the daily updates and tweets.
Yes, it's been busy and tiring but it's been insanely fulfilling at the same time.
God, I was born to do this and oh, the rush!
(:

Anyhoos,
Lord Of The Flies, being incredibly movement-intensive, I figured I ought to do more rather than just moving about when I'm on set.
SO, I've finally gotten off my ass and signed up for Muay Thai. Private classes, most are. Okay not really, I just pick time slots with no one around so that I get private classes(:
Bird joined me yesterday, in fact. Was quite quite fun:D:D
Yesterday was very nice because my instructor said I was especially good. TEEHEE:D

So I've completely gone off smokes, I do Muay Thai three times a week and swim twice week.
Aren't I just a healthy bunny! I like I like!

Rehearsals have been very fruitful. We've gotten a lot of stuff sorted out and costumes are more or less done. I'm insanely happy now and getting quite excited!

The show's in exactly six days and secretly, even though we've been talking about taking out one rehearsal, I don't think we need to. Kind of because I really enjoy rehearsals and also, because it's one of the things I'm going to miss when everything's over.

The thing about theatre that I love and hate at the same time, is the intensity of it all. For the weeks or months that rehearsals are on-going, you get drawn into this alternate reality.
A world where, like in my case, council girls turn on each other, animalistic behaviour or plain insane savagery becomes something one actively chooses.
It's so crazy, but it comes with this lovely rush.
But then, when it's all over, you wake up half wondering what to do with yourself.
You pick up the bamboo poles to do the laundry and think about how it could be used to kill someone. You fidget with the clean wash and wonder why it's not bloodied and ripped.
You feel sand beneath your feet, even though you're stepping on parquet floors.

The euphoria is addictive, but the post-performance blues hit you hard.
Thinking about it now almost makes me wish we were back to the very beginning of rehearsals.

Okay. No sad thoughts until it's all over!
and ooooh, the excitement pulsing through my veins!


Can't wait for you guys to see it! I know I haven't told a loooot of people about it. It's quite tough, with the limitations of seats.
Okay so, it's on the
27th and 28th of October. Next Tuesday and Wednesday.
Two time slots a day: 10am-12noon/ 3pm-5pm
Singapore Repertory Theatre
Tickets are $35.
The only available seats left right now are on Tuesday afternoon/morning (i think).
The 28th is completely sold out):

Let me know asap if you'd like to come!

"Maybe you could learn to like me too! Hang me in the bathroom?"

--Annie

Something hurts when I swallow. It's in the right side of my throat.
I fell on my left ankle yesterday, during a performance, and sprained it.

teehee, sorry. Just counting my hurts (like I do with my bruises). It's a good thing, really.


And oh, she drove me quite mad today, and for the first time. It irritated me so and sapped the energy from everything else we had to do afterwards. I think you ought to be more considerate, more professional, less like a fourteen year old brat who can't take getting your cues wrong.
But you know, maybe you wouldn't be getting your bloody cues wrong if you put in more effort love.

okay! rant over!

The day's been alright.
I went back for Founder's Day and loved it. The singing, the vibe, the saying hello to teachers who, my word, still remembered my name! Talked to Mrs Lee and Ms Yoong, and had a bit of a laugh, thinking about the terror that was me.

I love PL, truly I do.
Because it shaped me in more ways than I could've ever imagined. It's just a shame that I didn't appreciate what I had. I mean, I know I had to leave when I did. But if I'd been less distracted, I'd have graduated side by side with my best friends in the entire world.
It's the only thing I've hated myself for missing out on.

Nonetheless, the way my life's turned out isn't half bad. And I like it, no wait, love it just the way it is.

I finished Jodi Picoult's Vanishing Acts today. It's one of the really good ones, save for the personal life of the protagonist. Bit fucked, I think. But I might just understand when I read it the second time round.

Ought to get off my ass and sign up for driving. Since I've already gotten off my ass to get it whooped over the next couple of weeks.
I'm happy and excited because of this thing that I feel committed enough to put myself through. I hope it works out, I hope I can cope. teehee!

Then, my schoolwork, my grades.
An 82 isn't even remotely as high as it sounds and Lord, am I frustrated. Ever so frustrated.
Oh, so much to do.
I wish I could disappear into all the rehearsals and lines and sets without having the baggage of school weighing me down like bricks.

But then, I need to get somewhere with all of this, don't I?



I'm going away for a while.
Horse-riding, shopping, possibly lying around on a beach.
My word, don't I love getting out of the country.

These last three months of the year are like, the favouritest but also, quite nightmarish at the same time.
blah, freaking blah. Starting to rant.
actually.
just.
bloody.
tired.

"How do you plead then?"
"Plead to what?"

--Bella T, an excerpt.



The only problem, I suppose,
is that knives don't talk.





"No, no they don't."
"Alright then!"
"Guilty."
"Guilty?"
"Guilty."

and an entire life before that.

It was in Bugis, it's World Mental Health Day.
6.40pm,
We had our very first show.

passion

Pull me in, pull me in.
Suffocate me with everything you have because this is the only time I can breathe.
Don't you see?
Don't you see?

I can't go back there, I can't.
It's too painful, I can't.
I just can't.

"You musn't be afraid. Look, we've got fire." "Just fire won't do it." And oh Rachel, she's right.

"It was just a game, wasn't it? A game?"
"Sir."

--Lord of The Flies, Act two. An excerpt.


For the hours and hours and oh Lord, hours, that I am occupied; Jumping off planks, running up ramps, crawling on carpeted floors. I am desperately trying to find safety, to do what I think is right, to make sense of a world that has become chaos since the airplane I was on crashed.
I don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I need to be kept safe from.

And then she claps. It is over and I reach for the pack of smokes.
I am here. I am back in your world. No, the world you live in but not your world.

And inside, I'm doing the same thing; Screaming, crying, joining in, pulling out. I know what I'm doing but then,
I don't know what I need to be kept safe from.







Oh, oh.
I don't mean very much there, I don't. I'm small, I'm the youngest. I join in because Rachel does and I'm not entirely sure if what I'm doing is right.
I'm insignificant. Trying, desperately to be bigger than I really am and...
Oh, oh.
I wish I meant just a bit of something to you.

"maybe," she says, walking downstage, "maybe it's because I'm human."

Every inch of me aches right now.

But some parts of it just don't feel better with medicated shoulder-rubs.

the beast,
it's coming
closer.
To your face
Hide



not for long
Lord Of The Flies, prologue. An excerpt.





and what if, what if I don't have anything left of myself to give you?

surprises, they come in the loveliest packages

To be honest, I never thought we'd pick up that idea again.

We didn't just toy with it.
Back then, we had everything planned to the T. It's just that somewhere along the way, other things needed more immediate attention. And frankly speaking, that isn't wrong in the least.

It isn't, wasn't the packing up of the project that had me over-writing in my pink journal.
It was more the idea, the realization that I'd never pick up any part of that dream again. I don't know really.
Maybe I'm stubborn or picky or just plain bratty. Whatever the case, it was something I'd dreamt up with you and "realizing" it with anyone else wouldn't have, in fact, been realizing it at all.

It truly is something to smile at now, when I think about it.
Not just because we're returning to that folded page, but because it feels like that brick wall of things I could never bring up is finally gone. I'd hate to bug you, and I hope I'm not doing that now. And maybe because of that, there was, or at least I felt, some sort of a chasm that seemed half impossible to look past. Not in a weird, uncomfortable or horrible way. But in a very quiet, under the surface kind of thing.

I'm glad I can talk to you again. And not feel like we're both just on the outside of each other's life, coming in for the occasional drink and leaving for another month or so.




I think, more than anything else in the world,
more than our unfinished project, more than knitting, more than bouncing ideas off each other and singing for all we're worth,
more than all of that,
I just really missed you.
I really did.

Things I love in life:

Oh Lord, so many!

Online shopping, for one.
I think it's the best thing since sliced bread!
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love shopping. I love wandering around malls, with a friend or two, mommy or just by myself (there are particular people who are brilliant to shop with). I love the thrill of buying things.
But online shopping is a different kind of thrill.
For starters, it comes in the mail! And my word, I LOVE mail. you wouldn't believe just how much i loooove mail! I really really do! I looove seeing my name on an envelope. It just makes my week!
Bird and I used to snail-mail each other (on top of emails and being on the phone). Quite funny lah, her letter would contain references to the phone conversation we had right before she wrote me the letter. And they weren't always lengthy letters. Sometime they contained like, all of four sentences. But it was nice! Like wee surprises! teehee

I digress!
I ABSOLUTELY LOOOOVE MAIL. So what more if your mail contains new clothes, or books!
OMG, SO EXCITED JUST TALKING ABOUT IT! haha
This is quite lame actually, all that's on it's way to me right now are school textbooks. Okay, and a book that I've been just DYING to read. But well, see what gets me excited these days? sheesh.

I also really love intensive rehearsals.
Kind of like what I'm doing now except I could do with focusing on different productions at different times. The one that's showing at SRT on October 27th and 28th, that's intensive.
We've got weeks of six day weeks that stretch from five to ten (and even twelve) hours at a time! But you come away with such a sense of achievement and satisfaction and an entire world of progress.

I loooove oreo milkshakes on a sunny, skinny day.
When you're in jeans and a tank top and it's warm but not scorching. Oh, those are the best.

Milk and Oreos!
Oh my! I feel like having some now!

Most of all, a combination of a few of my top favourite things.
Snuggling under the duvet on a rainy afternoon with a fantastic book and someone warm and clean and cuddly. A ball of fur at the foot of the bed, a cup of chamomile tea with a few drops of honey. A classical CD left on repeat, and an oil burner with a mixture of Eucalyptus and Tea-Tree. Warm fluffy slippers waiting on the carpeted floor for me to stick my popsicle-feeties in and my cell-phone; silent, charging and undisturbing.

<3

shackled to the lies we're running away from

Quiet, empty mess
An unsaid hello to a stranger, unstrange
wordless conversations, eyes meeting eyes
And a world of history I'd like to get to know

I got married today

to a lovely man named Frank.
It was quite a whirlwind thing, I did only meet him today.
But then I realized how perfect he was for me.


He's round, just like me. He's trying to quit smoking.
He's quiet, and he listens to me all the time. He doesn't go on about how fat/slutty/hippo-like i look.
He's beautiful. He's got the loveliest eyes, the softest hands, the most adorable feet.

Frank, he just shines/sparkles with this kind of, bubbly glow all the time.
He makes me so incredibly happy.
Just so, so happy.

He makes me laugh, he poses for all of TLC's pictures. He kisses baby fishbone.
He acknowledges my presence and I feel like he needs me.

But what I find most special about him,
is that he doesn't really exist.



Meet Frank.



Our first kiss! awwwww


(:

I love you Frank. I'm sorry I got tired of you being so ballsy and smooshed you and chucked you into the bin.
I love you, I do.


------------------------------------------


It's funny and strange, and sometimes I think I'm looking into things too much.
You are so incredibly dear to me, but I am getting such weird vibes from you right now. And jeez, everytime I think about this, I feel like I really really need a smoke.

You only became like this since Mr Smith went to Washington, and sweet lord if it hasn't changed you! It's everything, you know, from the eyes, the guardedness you seem to have. I don't know man, I don't know.

Clearly it's an issue because otherwise I'd keep this to the hour that I spend trying to fall asleep. And I've talked about it a little bit here and there, but not without stopping myself and thinking, fuck, I am just over-thinking this.

I don't think it's a good idea, personally.
Because I feel you become an entirely different person with different habits and just, doing stuff you wouldn't normally do.
But my opinions are my opinions and I don't expect anyone to give a flying fuck. So that's fine.

What is a tad unsettling are the strange vibes, the difference in body language.
The danger-eyes being shot at me left, right and square in my imaginary balls. Plus, it's the first time you're behaving like this.
i'm pretty sure you have no idea. I'm pretty sure it's this subconscious thing.
and I'm pretty sure that in a month or so, this will stop happening.

But it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. And it's just getting so awkward and I hate that it is. Because things never get awkward around you. Hell, we make situations awkward and then laugh at people when they feel awkward!

So I just, I don't know.

Hopefully you'll notice what you're doing.
Or I seriously need to sort out my issues.


--------------------------

On a more relaxingly stressful note,
HELLO INTENSIVE REHEARSALS!

So this is how it works okay, for three and a half weeks straight, six days a week, I'll have rehearsals.
During about half of the time, half the day is spent on one production with HCC and the other for Youth Matters.
I like. I'm quite looking forward to the intensity and the stress of it all. On the other hand, it is rather scaaaaary.

Block out October 27th and 28th sweethearts! Well, one of them and tell me when you'd like to come see the show.

------------------------------

I'd like to end of with something that sounds nice and cosy.
Something like,
"I'm sorry guys I have to go now because Frank's tucked into bed waiting for me".
But i sort of smooshed him and chucked him in the bin already so I'll save the nice pictures of dim lights and cuddle-ups before bed for another time.


ta!

On the day of grandma's birthday

while mommy rushes around tidying up and doing last minute work...

The children nap!
Jiejie Buttons on a bag that is way too small for her and baby Fishbone, on a bag that has enough room for Buttons!

But napping is good. After all, your brain needs all the rest it can get in order to do work!


Like this! My little darling with his feeties up! Too cute! Now all he needs is the cigarette dangling out of his mouth. hmmmm

Fishbone: Stupid mousepad! It doesn't work for nuts! How am i suppose to tag people in my pictures with a spazzy mouse pad!

Fishbone: OH ALL THIS WORK!

Fishbone: MOMMY I GIVE UP! I'm going to nap, you can do it instead!

AND NAP HE DOES!
aww, look at him, all passed out! teehee


Okay, lots more stuff to do so have fun drooling over my adorable furry children!
<3

three, two and rolling.

Chinatown, Singapore. August 2009

So I've gotten five and a half out of six of the things on my To Do list done.
I stuck the last load of laundry out for just a wee bit more sun (they were already dry but more sun is good) and then, it rained and drenched my clothes.
Brilliant.

So I've to re do that, tidy up my room and do my nails before rehearsals.

To do tomorrow morning:
1) Vacuum and mop the ENTIRE house all over again
2) Set up table and shizz at exactly half past two
3) Bathe the fluffy children so that they're all nice and clean for our guests.
4) Make sure TLC's study table is clean
5) walk dog.
6) start washing machine with children's towels.

do-able(:

rahhh, I feel like I've been racing around and I just feel kind of lazy now.
hahaha

Everything's all set for tonight, I'm very very happy and superbly excited:D
I hope mommy likes!

Okie doke, I've an hour to bathe, clean up my room, do my nails and then go for rehearsals.
aaaaaaaaaaaaah