Monday, November 3, 2008

and i'm sorry if i made it something it wasn't

I'm running out of feelings and tears and that buzzy feeling you get after lots of Ethanol Chloride and beer.
I think they called it happiness for a while.

But I guess someone must've realized that happiness isn't that buzzy feeling,
it's actually the EC and beer and thinking you're on your way to happiness.
Except of course, when you get to the part where you're supposed to laugh til you've got stitches,
you find that you're crying instead.

I'm broken,
there I've said it now,
but it doesn't make an iota of difference.

We say we will, but we never get round to fixing what's broken.
And eventually, we throw it away, with all the other things we held on to just for the sake of memory.

I'm strong enough, I thought. But I wasn't, really. And now you've seen right through me and there's nothing I can do about it.

It feels like there's that build up of pressure inside your ears, like when you're on a plane or when the cable holding the elevator snaps and it's rushing downwards.
And you swear it might burst, and it hurts because that huge amount of pressure, it's just building up and pressing against the inside of your ears.
And everyone around you is just staring at you, thinking you surely must be mad, because you're holding on to your ears and you're crying because it just hurts so bad, but you can't hear yourself when you speak so you've stopped trying altogether already.

I always hated feeling like I was crumbling.