Saturday, August 21, 2010

alone with your thoughts isn't always the safest place to be

I was not prepared in the least for the onslaught of emotion that found itself resurfacing this afternoon.
And I think that became a factor in the resulting immense irritation I felt at myself.

Yes, that's the word for the feeling that trumped the lot-
Immense irritation.

The morning was nice, what with breakfast and saying Hello to Wallaby (I've refused to deal with the recent news of his eventual departure)
Lunch wasn't really in the plan, but it was one of those very pleasant surprises.
So yes, everything's been fine and dandy and then,

And I'm over it now, that teary bit of my afternoon.
And in its place is this resentment and incredible annoyance at having so suddenly been caught feeling the way I did, not having the words for it,
And sort of having it spill over a bit.

Maybe for the first time, work spilt over.
It linked, blurred lines and even though I tried to work, to fix it-
Tried to deliberately push past the ache, and wrench all that was real for myself and use it, use it to make it all better (both the work and the mess of feeling),
it didn't work.
It just didn't bloody work.

And maybe my annoyance and self-loathing stemmed from this,
This being taken aback and feeling all butterfinger-like.
And not being able to take the fact that, for once,
My thoughts and feelings turned.
And I couldn't do one.sodding.thing.

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