Tuesday, August 10, 2010

and I find myself wanting

You, and the oddest things we've talked about
jafacakes on a Tuesday evening, lemonade on a summer afternoon, large frosted-glass sinks, that picnic table that doubles as a bench, bedtime stories, Saturday morning, home-cooked dinners, family time,
and you.

It's nice to daydream, it always is isn't it? But then you smile and put it away in that box labelled, "Maybes & Whatifs", and you go about real life.
it's sort of a little bit different.
Because, for once, it feels like I almost could.
And I can't see that far ahead of me, I don't know how or if or when or where or even why,
but it's nice to think that maybe, just maybe,
there might be a sliver of truth to it.

So there's been a shifting of floors beneath our feet. Sometimes, you only realize it as you read through your writing that's spanned the last three months.
But yes well, there is/has been/will be a bit of change and,
I'm not entirely sure of how I feel.

I think in regards to some things, I just don't know.
That's not to say that if I did, I would understand either.
I guess, I'm just not familiar with such a situation or the dynamics of it, or uhm, whatever else it is. I believe I would like to, but I don't ever feel like I'm in a position to ask or wonder or, well anything.

I think it makes me insecure (for lack of a more fitting term) -
this whole, not knowing exactly how I feel. And I've tried to place it, believe me I have.
But nothing seems to work.
Usually, by this point, I'd have walked away from it-
the whole trying-to-place-how-i-feel thing, the whole this-might-hurt-abit,
and more than anything, the whole I'm-feeling-too-much.
So I can't say this is something I am entirely familiar with, this tangled mess of thoughts. And sometimes, I don't quite know what to do with myself.

I will fall asleep to pretty dreams though,
and the thought of Sunday evening's company.

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