Puzzle piecing

Part I
It is the way my arms have ached with the absence of you
It is heavy. It is so, so heavy, this emptiness.

You pick up the breaking pieces of me with gentle, quiet fingers
And place them in my trembling hands

There are times I am seized by a fear so reckless it rips through me and leaves me paralyzed by the roadside. 

A gentle coaxing

I must admit, my darling, you know just what to say to make me feel a bit better. 

Dear you,

Yeah, there were times we were both half-in and half-out the door

But I never needed more than the stars on your skin to lead me back home. 

-- Andrea Gibson, I do. An excerpt. 

Contentment is

Semi-empty train rides,
Wandering empty food aisles,
Smelling rain Before it starts
And hearing the sound of my favorite girl smile over the phone the day the world gets turned on for her again.

It doesn't get much better than this, does it?

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

You hold me without touch
Keep me without chains
I've never wanted anything so much
To drown in your love
And not feel your rain

Falling slowly, eyes that know me.

Take this sinking boat, and point it home-

We've still got time. 

------------------------

Sometimes there is a question that plays on my lips-

And on days that I wonder if I have the courage to ask,

I wonder if I'll have the courage to hear the answer

On being a teacher

Once, in a conversation with a student from Hua Yi Secondary that lasted over an hour, I was asked,
"But if you've got so much going for you outside, why would you teach...us? I mean.. We're just a cca."

It was one of those moments I was reminded why I left acting school.

There are few things that have as great a hold on my heart as theatre does. The way it demands you to throw yourself in, full force and with little consideration to the possibility of any sort of life outside. But also the way it fills you and holds you together as much as it tears you apart, and the way it forces you to deal with things that run parallel in your own life; The way it offers you a process of catharsis and helps you breathe again.

But at some point I started thinking, what if I also got to use this to reach students? What if I got others to feel and understand and use theatre and take from it all the things that I have too?

This is why I teach-
Theatre can be a lot of things for you: An escape, a therapeutic process, a release, a discovery, an understanding of an issue or of a person.
But it also needs to be a safe space for all of that to happen. And I want to be able to provide that safe space to young actors who have decided to get their hands dirty with all this theatre-making.

And if just one student decides to take on acting and greater, deeper levels and falls as impossibly, overwhelmingly in love with theatre as I have been all these years, then I will be happy.
But also,
if just one student comes away from my classes a bigger person, a better person, a person who has learnt a little bit more about themselves, then I will be happy too.

Some days are a little bit harder

Couldn't we sit in a park, or by running water
And couldn't we have the same conversations without words that we used to-
Couldn't we just... Be?
Without worry of time limits and responsibilities and people on the fringes calling out to us
With our cell phones on silent, the grass beneath our skin and the sun in our eyes
Couldn't we just...?

Evenings spent

Calculating the distance between our fingers,
The inches between my left knee and your right,
And marveling at how I still skip when your eyes catch mine.

Time out.

I have had so many conversations today, that to chart my emotional progression since eight in the morning would prove slightly harder than counting all the bitch fights in an entire season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Today has been a lot.


I could do with less.

Because

It always felt like something was missing,
Until you.

The only girl in the world

Want to make you feel like

Kiss it all better, I'm not ready to go

It's not your fault love, 

You didn't know 

Stay with me until I fall asleep

Stay with me until I fall asleep

Breaking down walls

"I hated it- that it kept us apart. But now that the wall's gone, he's not there."

-------------------------------

There are some hurts that I wish desperately I could save those I love from.

Because.

1.
Nothing can beat falling asleep to the evenness of your breathing.



2.
Or the way, in your last moments of semi consciousness, you tighten your hold on me for just a fraction of a second.
Just a fraction, of a second.


3.
I love you.

Sober

The wake up call.

Missed you all day

Your goodnights,
And the click of the button as you end the phone call-
Sometimes, it feels like it's the loudest part of our conversation.

If I could have one wish, if I could have some say

And when the world drowns you in the roars of its ocean, I want to be the crashing waves that tell you where the shoreline is.

Where home is. 

I want to promise you, that there is nothing you will miss when you listen with your eyes closed and your fingers laced with mine. 

I want to find the surest way for you to understand-

That you are magic. 

Because you hear all the words that some of us do not say, and you feel the tiniest inkling of a feeling before anyone gets a chance to bury it in their subconscious. 

That you are magic. 

In the quiet that you are amidst this city's senseless cacophony, and in the comfort that you bring when I've been spat back out at the end of an 18-hour day. 

And so,

when the world drowns you in the roars of its ocean; when it is difficult to hear above the din of fear, of frustration, of anger and exasperation-

I want to be the crashing waves that tell you where the shoreline is.

Where home is. 

Sitting in a spinning teacup

With you.

------------------------

I'm in a cuddlesome mood.
Clearly that is not a good frame of mind to be in.

------------------------








use me all you want-
I just wish this bit stung a little less.


---------------------------



I am in such, a cuddlesome mood.

Happiness in small bursts

So I was due to get on a plane about four days ago and while that didn't happen, I still managed to get on a later flight that got me where I needed to go.

The few days away have done me good. I wish I could say the same for my waistline but it's one of those fuck-it-I'm-young-I'll-maximize-on-my-rapidly-deteriorating-metabolism-while-I-can.

And so, armed with a tummy full of hong kong nomnoms to last me a couple of months, I'm about to take on a crazy term 2 in approximately five hours (and I'm still on the way back from the airport! Score!).
A term 2 that kicks off with running a showcase at the end of the first week, featuring seven short plays and three to four sketches, and which will thereafter chuck me into rehearsals for a full length play (more on this later!).
I'm excited about having an actor hat to swap into for a while. The schedule though, is what is scary. Or the lack thereof at the moment.
And oh, that's just the first half of the new term!

Now though..
I'm desperately looking forward to falling into my softy soft bed and not getting bruised just by crawling into it as I have the last two days. Haha.

Ma chérie,

You are a collection of loose post-its and quick scribbles left for me to find.

I love you.
So, so much.

"Maybe when you're beautiful," she says to the girl,
"Maybe, when you're beautiful."

If I told you everything was fine, and that I'm alright, I'd be lying.
But there isn't much of a point dwelling on the bits that made my day all wrong, or how I come back to an empty that fills me.

Because I am not lying when I talk about how lovely my evening was. And that, for a while, I really was happy. That being with you, and your family, is nice. That I love it. That I close where we are with our families.

Having said that, I think even though I thought I had come away from it, there are parts of today that I am still getting over.
So forgive my sullenness sometimes, my sulkiness; I chide myself often and remind myself that it is the last thing anyone would want to come home to. But on days like this, when we've already said all that there is to be said, when we know it's nothing within our control and neither of our faults, please then, do excuse me.

Because i might want terribly for you to hold me, and make it alright, but I don't know how to ask. Or I might have numbed my sadness just long enough to say I need you, out loud, but am made to realize the world doesn't always work in our favour.
But that's just mostly how growing up works though, right?
That I will need you, and I can. But that doesn't mean you will be there. You fix everything, and so easily- but I can't expect you to all the time.



That sometimes, there will be streams of days that are only punctuated with crying oneself to sleep.
That we are the only ones who can fix ourselves.
That there are birthdays you will find yourself crying your way into.


That all of it is just something I'll have to learn to deal with. On my own.

Ando como hormiguita por tu espalda

Coming home to you, 

fast asleep in bed is likely the most beautiful thing in the world

__________________________________

hacia el oro que se derrama y se me enreda

Who's Afraid Of Virgina Woolfe?

There are some things I am afraid of talking about. Afraid of starting on, because it'll lead me from one memory to another to another until it is all too late and...

And I'm afraid of that. 

But I'm also, admittedly, afraid of blocking things out. Afraid of finding that I have let my defense mechanisms wrap me up so quickly, so tightly, that parts of me never get to breathe again, never get to heal properly. 

Perhaps this is me in that in between. Trying to dissect things only as much as I dare to, all while wincing and well... Trying to be brave I suppose. 

So. 

Last Friday left me really creeped out. 

Sure, i managed to walk away. Sure, I managed to give the bloke a bit of what he deserved. And sure, I can say that this time, I didn't freeze up. That this time I won't look back and say, "I should've.."

But I can't say I walked away completely unscathed. 

You feel fear in different parts of your body. 

For me that often means parts of me shutting down, clamping up. And no, it's not very useful. 

Being grabbed, pulled back, pressed up against-

When you're in a crowd, when you've got enough in you to attempt to move yourself and your friend out of the situation, when you're trying to shake him off, when you're a little more than slightly aware that you can't move more than two steps because of a force that's keeping you...

Here is me in all my honesty and as much nakedness as I can bear;

Fear was a very fleeting emotion that was quickly replaced by annoyance and irritation. I don't think I'd even built up to anger yet, really. What I did just seemed like a very practical thing to do, at the time. And it was. And I'm glad i did. 

But. There are some bruises that cannot be seen. 

And long after this, they might just still be there. 

As much as I've tried to not let this trigger other memories, there have been bits and pieces spilling out of other boxes. Not in overwhelming amounts, just yet. 

But in all the quiet moments that I yank myself out of, I am painfully aware-

that there are people whose fingertips I can still feel underneath my skin, whose breath I can feel against my ear. 

I am okay. 

I think. 

Or I will be. 

I would've liked to, or tried to, talk about this given the chance. But instead I've been sad and upset and adamant on not acknowledging why. Of course other things piled on- like being ill and fretful and it's easier to cling on to something more reasonable. (Kind of more reasonable anyway. It's all relative isn't it?)

All I've been able to say out loud is how much I need a cuddle. Or how it's a cry-in-bed- sorta day. Or how I get terribly needy when I'm ill. All of which is true. 

So I've done a mix really- 

Cry myself into a few sleeps (some fitful and others sad), wishing I could be held, and not wanting to do this alone. 

Even though I know I have to. 

Even though I know it's a bit too late. 

Even though I know that now, by this point, some part of me will shirk from a touch that I might actually need. 

I think, this weekend, I just really needed

To not be as alone as I was. 

But I'll be okay. 

Right?

I'll be okay.

 

I'm okay. Really, I am. 

-----------------------------------

"Who's afraid of Virginia Woolfe?"

"I am George.... I am."

All the bits I ought to hide better.

I get far too upset with myself for needing a cuddle/needing someone, as much as I do.

Especially on a day like this-
When I've just gone between throwing up, crying myself to sleep because I don't feel like I'm recovering quick enough and being buzzy in an achey sort of way from all my medicine.

Every. Time.

Happens every time
Doesn't hurt less

And despite what you say,
You'll let it repeat.

Firsts

Look where we time-warped ourselves to babe?

#101

Teach me
How to be here for you

Holy Sonnet 6: Death, be not proud

By john Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

Midnight chill

On an evening like tonight, I am grateful- for the moments that I get to turn and see my best friends exhaling smoke in the opposite direction from me, the moments they whip out cameras to take pictures of their million chins to send to each other, the moments that they're just... There. 

Yes, yes it has been years. And I'm grateful for the ones I've gotten to have.

---------------------------------

I cannot imagine a loss this close. 

Cannot begin to fathom the roller coaster of emotions, the memories and thoughts being picked through, just to get to steadier ground. 

To those left reeling...

My heart goes out to you. I hope you will find warmth and comfort and security, even in all the places you forget to look. I hope that just when you need it, there will be someone there to hold you and all of this. And if it is space you need, I hope you find  fresh air that fills your lungs so full that any one step forward won't seem half as daunting. 

To you,

there are things I mean to say, but there'd be far too many words working only to cloud the bits that matter. So instead-

I hope you are safe now. I truly do. 

And to you, ma chérie

Please know, that there is not a place in this world I would rather  be than right here to hold your hand. 

Love,

C

and I feel like I'm naked in front of this crowd

And even though she's spent her life performing,
She falls in love with the one girl who makes her face flush, her hands shaky, when all she's doing is sitting in the audience, two seconds away from hearing a song.

Nothing makes me happier than you

There are days I think about you and just realize how much it is that I like being with you. That I could for a while. A long while.

Sent from my iPhone

"If you ain't here I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air"

I am drawn to thinking of all our smallest, tiniest interactions

But more than that,

I am fixated on how one of the biggest people in my life, one of the strongest and most beautiful person I know is breaking, now that you've gone. 

And I. 

I want to duct tape all the tears in the picture.

I want to relive the moment I loved the way you smiled at her like she was your world, and realizing that things like that were possible. 

That loving someone so much was possible. 

That being so overwhelmingly happy was possible. 

I love you both so much.

As individuals and in all your togetherness. 

I wish you were still here. 

I wish you could be.

So wherever you are, promise you'll write them postcards from far away, and say you'll be there to hold her in all the moments she misses you most. 

Because you were made for her. 

I don't know how else to put it but. You were. 

In all your weirdness you two fit like Lego blocks.

So please, leave bits of yourself behind.

Leave bits of yourself for them to find. 

And you don't hear a single floorboard creak

now you see it,
now you don't.

No one else's.

you wrap me up with security,
With gentleness
With a sureness in the way you pull me in

You wrap me up with promises,
You wrap me up
In you

Some nights

When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Gripping.

Onto something that has long left the
Building

When sadness comes in a wave I cannot recognize
And there is a biting in my bones that make me realize
That

Some nights
Like
Some days

Aren't yours
Aren't yours
Aren't.

Some nights,
When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Hanging.
Onto hope that is so frayed that I am
Staring
At a rope so far away from reach
That I
Am quite ashamed to say
I'm not okay
These words are coming from a chasm deep inside
Filled with boxes packed so high
With little things I cannot speak of, cannot see because I'm scared because I'm not
Asfreeasallthestoriesthatiwriteandall
Thepicturesthatihopetodraw
AndallthesongsthatfadethemselvesintothesePOVsthaticanonlywishwereminebut
Aren't.

And I am breaking in all these ways I didn't know I could-
I don't know why this sadness comes to take me when I only pass as happy in all the times I should.

Some nights
Some nights,
When the wind blows cold
When the track sounds too old
When my voice is hoarse
My fingers too course- from

Hanging.
Onto all the nothings that make me sad in all these ways that make me break
In all the ways that leave me

Hanging.

"And how're the two of you?" "Happy."

She's playing solitaire.

There's something about the other girl that makes me incredibly, almost unreasonably uncomfortable.

But
Something's you just have to suck up hey.

Lucky.

Ps: I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

from miles away

"Wouldn't trade you for anything else in the world."

And just like that I'm somewhere between being a teary crumpled up mess and remembering the feeling of being the most contented eleven year old ever. 

----------------------------------

Maybe there are just some days that are just, like that. 

Days where you need someone to hold you, look after you and tell you that you're still pretty even though you know for a fact you look like a mess. 

Maybe there are some days that are just, like that.

Where how much you need or want something is completely irrelevant. And all that matters is that you pick yourself off the floor and get your shit done. 

Maybe there are some days, that are just- 

Falling back into work; knowing it knows you better than you know yourself, having everything else fit against you the way it should, while you block out this dull ache that's throbbing somewhere inside you. 

Maybe there are some days that are just. 

Like that. 

----------------------------------

but she's the one I want to come home to,

the one I'll wait up for,

the one I'll share toothpaste with. 

She was always the sharp one.

"It's always a war-
Between the head and the heart.
It just depends on which one you want to fight."

Wreck of the day

"Why do you look so sad?"

"Sorry, didn't know it was that obvious-"

"Well I figure you're not in character right now."

------------------------------

"My day was.... Tumultuous. Very, in fact."

"Tell me about it?"

------------------------------

Would someone mind awfully telling me how it is that one can feel this dreadfully alone? 

And why a behavioral response to that is to, in turn, desperately want to be alone?

-------------------------------

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And it's finally quiet in my head

Whenever it feels like I'm breaking,
Work is what catches me

I hear a baby crying and my first instinct is to go to it, pick it up, hold it to me until everything that might possibly be wrong is all right again.


But it's all in my head.

Stations

But we're like trains hurtling in all the wrong directions
All the wrong directions

Goodnight.

"Muchos besos que hablaremos otro dia"

Phone calls from far away places

"So why aren't you talking to her instead?"
"She's asleep"

But I cannot bring myself to say all the other reasons there are.
Or how part of me is wide awake because I'm a little bit afraid of falling asleep. Because falling asleep means waking up to find that we're still not alright.


I always hate when we're not.


Suddenly it feels like there're all these conversations I haven't gotten to have with you yet, all these moments I can't be sure I'm remembering properly, all these picnics we've promised to have but haven't, all these things about you that I haven't had enough time to memorize.

Whenever this happens, it feels like I lose a little bit more of myself. But it also feels like a lose a little bit of you.

And, like I always do, I'm afraid of holding on too tight.
Because it's always what you want to hold on to, that slips through your fingers the fastest.

He said come with me and we'll make many storms.

I'll taste the devil's tears,
drink from his soul

But I'll,
Never give up you

Then

What happens when I wake up?




Sent from my iPhone

Blue is the warmest colour

I keep myself occupied for long enough to think we're okay,
Before I realize-

We're not.

Sent from my iPhone

Nothing else could break my heart like

True love.

Pieces.

I ruin everything I have with quiet, desperate tragedies in my own head. Running shaky fingers down faint pencilled lines I have never quite managed to erase, and seeing hazy memories that truly, truly aren't all as close as they seem.


I ruin everything with my falling in love with the things you do.
The quiet slip of your arm around me in a crowd. A secret kiss just inches away from church. Your hand reaching for mine under the table.

Or I ruin things by being in want-
Of you, two minutes before you are due to go.
Of wanting to tell you but being much too devastated with the thought of laying myself out bare.
Of being softer than I dare to admit and desperately, desperately not wanting to be.

To a lovely 2014!

The coming year sounds like it's got a lot in store and already, I'm excited.

I hope eeeeeeveryone got to spend their New Years cozying up with their favourite people, eating amazing food (I'll have a proper post with the lot of pictures to make you jelly like a jelly bean), and just being happy, mostly.

Cos that's always kinda nice.

To Christmases.

I think I've been having a lovely, lovely Christmas so far(:

We'll return back home to where we're meant to be

Oh lover, hold on

Til I come back again

For these arms, are growing tired

And my tales are wearing thing

Time out

I've been scared, afraid; my insides shaking that I think I might break 

But I've been blocking it out and trying to move forward instead. And I have. Because that's far easier. It's far easier to do something that will help yourself or take you away from the fear rather than just address it. 

And then I've also been a little bit sad. 

I mean, I've also been happy, incredibly so. I've been contented, smiley and settled...mostly. 

But these trace amounts of sadness, they creep up on me and the next moment I'm tearing up as I admit how it feels like sometimes I'm still battling a time difference. 

Even though it's something that isn't new. Even though it's something I would've thought I've dealt with already, in all this time. 

So with that,

Some days just... deserve to be yours. 

And you go.

You settle down somewhere you thought of on a whim, and you seat yourself on a high stool and breathe in that scent that comes when you're on your own, and light, and happy. 

The smell that has a hint of sweetness- a mix of freshly cut grass and apples. 

And then you read a book.

A children's book. 

One that makes you cry and laugh and smile and cry and laugh, all in turn. 

And you think, I couldn't have picked a more fitting book. 

You think, I really really needed this. 

You think,

Now this is an afternoon I deserved. 

Falling slowly

Giddy with the scent of you

And She Said

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

Stories whispered against your skin
and I love yous that bruise your arms
The pretties pictures drawn in the sand
and letters you send to the stars

Now I know dreams are just for dreaming
We forget the tunes to the songs
we wrote
Pictures weren't always meant for keeping
and there's a cold you can feel
in your bones

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

Quiet secrets beside still waters
Boxes we thought we had closed
tear-stained pages, in empty chapels
but with the knowing you're not on your own

Now I know dreams are just for dreaming
But don't let me forget
all the songs I will write
Leave me pictures good for framing
and at the end of the day
come back home

And she said
kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Don't make me a promise
that you'll only break
Kiss me like you mean it
hold me like you'll stay
Cos I am mostly tired
of trying
to keep myself safe

(C) May 2013

_______________________________________________________________________

You can write things a long time ago and then come back to it months, even years after to find that they still hold true. That there are some things that you still feel the same way about, even if they're slightly different things from an experience prior.
Just that maybe, the difference is that one is a little better equipped to deal with how one feels.
And that always helps.

Or.
You can write things that start off being about one person and then it turns out to be about another.
In fact, it's almost like, as you write, you realise you've discovered more about people you didn't even know you were writing about.

And then, sometimes, it's a mixture of all those things.
Sometimes it's about you, sometimes about her, and sometimes it's about someone completely outside of your own world.
Maybe that's the draw of writing- that lines of songs fleshed out with tunes can mean different things to (or for) different people, and that you can keep coming back to it and find something new.
For yourself, or y'know, someone else.

_________________________________________________________________________

now,

Don't make her a promise
that you'll only break

1984

It was a only an 'opeless fancy,
It passed like an Ipril dye ,
But a look an 'a word an' a dreams they stirred
They 'ave stolen my 'eart awye!"

Sunrise, sunrise

So my trip is quickly drawing to a close.
It doesn't feel like there's been a lot of time y'know, between spending time with family and meeting friends. As yet I haven't completed half of my shopping list- and there isn't even a whole lot on that list.

Yep. The next time I'm here, I'll be in my own car, thanks very much.

It's been an amazing trip so far, for the most part. I've rediscovered just how much I love being on my own, and traveling on my own even more. I've met so many amazing people with so many stories and personalities and professions- it's crazy and I'm just so glad that I've met with all these different people. They're definitely what made my trip before I came hurtling through the windows into my grammy's living room.

In this time, there've been so many moments that I've had with people- ones that aren't (and can't be) captured on camera. Some are completely silent, some are just in the swapping of glances or an accidental slip of a joke. And there's something about not being able to stow it away for keeps physically that sort of make it nicer or more interesting to hold on to.

This trip,
It's been quite something.

-----------------------------------

Where am I, then?

Are partings better when they're sweet, because you left bitter
Or bitter, because you left sweet?

I've run out

There are things I will learn to get used to.
That I will have to get used to.

Like on nights like these, for instance-
That when duty calls then,
Well, duty calls.

But there are parts of you I hope for, wish for...
That I hate myself for waiting for.
Because i have learnt that hoping will always leave you just that little bit sadder than you can brace yourself.


And i chide myself, bring myself back to how it's not your fault, not your doing.
And it isn't.

So all I'm left with is the job of packing our blanks into boxes.


And missing you.

Spent all night

Waiting.

Now look what you've done

Wait,
Hold up.

Did I just wait months for you to come back, only to have you leave?





Smart move Charis. Smart move.
Your brilliance is absolutely astounding.

On the other side of the glass

It's funny.

I had only just started relearning what us being okay felt like.

Only just.


______________________________

So then, where do I stand?

Dusk

Like dusk, she crept through cold trees, slipping into quiet empty spaces. With the sound of her smile and promises in her fingertips, she fit herself in so, so perfectly, that it became difficult to remember just when the world wasn't this shade of colour.

And we packed all our blanks into boxes

"Tell me about your day- your classes, the singing, the musical. That girl- what was her name?- tell me about her!"

"They were brilliant! They were beautiful! No. Not really, not always. Sometimes I wish they were more focused, and I often think they could do with a whole lot more discipline. But today...
Today I realized just how far they have come. How much more they're using breath to support their voice.
Baby... I'm so, so proud of them. And I'm so lucky I get to be a teacher.

That I get to be their teacher."



1) There are conversations I've wanted to have with you that have started with other people.
2) There are days filled with so much frustration, that have lasted too long, that have made me grateful for how I'll get to fall in your arms at the end of it all.
3) it is more more painful when I get to the end of that day and realize that will not happen.
3) the more you feel for someone is almost always directly related to how much they affect you.

4) you break me.



5) So easily.

Home

There's nothing in the world
A knife won't fix

Or a gin and tonic,
Failing that.

Coming home

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
You force yourself into various preoccupations to keep you from addressing that niggling feeling at the back of your mind, or you wander about an empty apartment at midday, drink in hand and wonder when it got to be like this.
And it's not that you need things to stay exactly the same as when it first started, it just becomes quite apparent how far away you've both come from that time and space.
At it's worst, you figure the novelty of the other person having you might possibly have worn off. Or that you're less interesting, or at least, a lot of other things have become more interesting.

Mostly though, you hope this won't last.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
And realising that you don't actually have to be physically apart to miss them; That there are a myriad of things that can come between you and, it sure as hell feels like the ocean.
There's also realising that you can try, both of you can, but it doesn't always quell the other's absence. Which of course, in itself is frustrating because, sometimes,
you get tired of trying. Or not feeling like that's enough.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
To find that maybe, she missed you too. That the empty spaces you've left between your words for so long, can still be filled now. That there is such familiarity in what you thought had become less familiar.
That even though you've been waiting up and the tea's gone cold, at the end of the day,
she still came home to you.
And she's always going to be worth wait.
Always.

There's something about being away from someone you love for a long time-
And waking up, to find her curled around you..
Like she never left.

We're after the same
Rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend

Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me, I'm falling for you

He offered me the universe
But inside my heart's a picture of a girl

Maybe this time

Tell me how to be
Tell me what to do
Tell me all that it'll take to be exactly what you need of me

Because I don't quite know where I am anymore.



Sent from my iPhone

Sometimes I think, a huge part of being with someone, with staying with someone, is knowing why.

As opposed to just staying put for the sake of staying put, that is.

But having said that,
I think I've got this awful habit of asking myself far too many questions and second-guessing myself a bit more than I should.

I'm all unfinished thoughts and half sentences
When really,
All I mean to say is
That I think she's beautiful

The spotless mind

I like that I write. It helps me remember. But sometimes, even with writing, I forget.

Maybe one's brain blocks things out to keep you safe.. But then there's that thing where- even if you don't remember, your subconscious does and your body most certainly does.
The way I sometimes flinch at something you say, or recoil at a certain touch; it's not you- It's some part of me reacting to something similar that's happened before or something.

There are some things that have happened that we don't remember, but that's locked away in our bodies instead.
There are some things I don't remember. And i remember only when I pour through page after page after tear-stained page of old writings. It is then that I begin to see and trace back and understand myself a little better. And I am grateful I wrote when I did.


And then there is you, now.
Babe,
I want to remember. My god, I do.
The way we picked out faucets for a home we didn't have and chose cars based on the number of kids who weren't yet on the way.
The way we'd fall asleep on grass in the middle of the day, or polish off a bottle of wine with our roast chicken.
The way you taught me the sound of a smile and the finding of calm in the evenness of someone's breathing.

There are so many things that feel like they've just happened yesterday... So many things that feel like we're still in that unrooted, hazy, dreamy state we first started out in. And that's what's extra exciting.

I want to remember-
You and us and all the things I've felt when I'm with you.

And if I start to forget...
If the humdrum of our lives get to us, and our workaholism gets the better of us to the point missing each other becomes a familiar dull throb somewhere inside that we stop paying attention to,
That I, stop paying attention to-
Help me remember then, won't you?

Because there might come things I'll grow tired of feeling, things we bring up wearily because we've gone over them before and it's not getting better. There are aches we might get used to and an absence we might learn to live with albeit with spoonfuls of resentment to taste.
But I am always going to want to remember everything that came before. Promise I am.

So please,
Say you won't let me forget?

Love, The Invisible Girl

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me i'm falling

Losing myself in the air

Catch me I'm falling

Don't leave me crawling

Catch me and show me you care

Catch me I'm falling

Please hear me calling

Catch me before it's too late

Catch me before it's too late

Guess our thing with time warps hasn't grown old yet

So.
I know we usually try to steer clear of sappy sweet little nothings in the form of monthsaries, anniversaries of the first flower you ever bought me and celebrating the 83rd day 17th hour of the first time I called you baby...
But-

It's been a while; a lovely while at that. And I think we've come quite far.
Not just with each other, but as individuals. And I think that's rather important.

I admire the person you are, the things that you stand for and the determination that drives you. I also like the person you've taught me to be, and the sides of me you've helped find.
We've had our fair share of ups and downs, I do believe, and I think we've worked things out pretty okay. I like that.

i like you.
A lot.

Chilly air and big plans for crisps, couches and naps

I miss this.

Maybe, Baby

I hope you know,
You've always been my everything.
And you would've been surrounded by people who couldn't possibly love you more.

I might not have been able to promise you a lot..
But I promise I would've loved you wholly, fiercely.
The way I have since the first day I knew about you.

Promise I'll hold you.
How couldn't I?

#nofilter

If you could only see all the amazing things I do,
When I'm looking right at you.

Making up

So the weekend made things a lot better.
I guess I've really been missing being able to properly spend time with each other.

I must say, could've done without the food poisoning to end off my Tuesday night. But I am immensely grateful for the love and care and concern and looking-after that I got from the people around me. ☺☺

So.
Just like that, I'm in the middle of a new week.
I think I'm still in the middle of adjusting and still trying to sort through outstanding things that need sorting out. It's a whole new set of problems, I guess, when your deadlines are your own and when you need to work out time frames that match other people's as well.
But. I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I just need to get to it. As soon as my tummy feels tip top and I'm less...
Sluggish.

Spent

Because I'm all yours anyway. 

_____________________________

You don't have to say you love me

Just be close at hand

You don't have to stay forever

I will understand

Believe me,

Believe me

I love you but I'll never tie you down

_______________________________

There should be fewer Fridays that leave you in tearful messes by noon. 

_______________________________

Here's a possibility:

What if...

I've just been needing someone too?

Que sera sera

Tuesday afternoon, after teaching the most amazing learning-needs class in the entire term combined, I found myself stopping off in King Albert Park's Cold Storage.
It was just to pick up a couple of things for baking later on, and it was a pretty quick trip. But as I smiled at the cashier and made off with fresh blueberries and such, I thought-
This is the kind of mother I want to be.

I want to be able to work as much and as long as I need to, but also have days where I can fill my home with the smell of recipes I may or may not be the most confident about.

I want to hear my children tripping over themselves as they scramble through the front door and have them know there'll be Paleo Banana bread still warm from the oven that'll be waiting for them when they're put the shower.

And I want you home in time for dinner, sneaking me a kiss just before. To have you frowning at me the way you do when you find I've spent the afternoon baking/ cleaning/ painting instead of catching up on rest. To have you look at me incredulously and ask why I'm baking low-carb high fat desserts, and to navigate away from a possible argument by asking if you can switch the music in the player.

Until tomorrow.

Sometimes it feels like there isn't room for mistakes. 

And sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder how long I've spent feeling like that. Being afraid. 

Feeling like I'm half sentences, running my bare feet against the edges of rocky cliffs. 

I wonder how it is that I miss you,

Before you've even left.

_____________________________

You never saw how far the crack had opened

You never knew I had run out of rope. 

______________________________

Don't you ever think, my darling,

That there are far too many times we've let the sun set on us feeling like this?

Endings

And so, quite suddenly it seems,
we're in our last week of filming.

Yes, it's been a long journey, with long, long days (wayyyyyyy longer for the amazing and hardworking people I've had the pleasure of working with). But while we've been tired and started out barely able to see the week we'd shoot the last episode,
suddenly,
here we are.


It's been sounding like this'll launch us into another phase that is just as (if not more) exciting. I hope it all turns out as promising as it's been sounding.
I'm excited(:

Sometimes,

Don't you just...

Know?

I don't have the words to tell you how I think you're the loveliest, most incredible, most perfect thing in the world to me. 

On the subject of Forevers...

Well I suppose, sometimes, you just...know.
And when you get there, if you get there, there isn't any denying it-
You figure, you know what you want and what you want is the person standing in front of you. And you want them for... Well, forever really.

And for some people it's just a... Natural progression. It's the next step forward and so it makes sense.
For some others who've spent ages getting all the fun they can out of life, they find themselves drawn to finally settling down.
And all that is... well it's pretty something, isn't it? This whole choosing-to-spend-the-rest-of-your-life-with-someone is always pretty something.
To me it is.
It's always been.


And if you ask me...
(And it's been asked in various ways this evening, speaking of which)
Do I believe in marriage?
Yeah.
Maybe not the concept of "The One" but...
I believe in someone being right for you, I believe in timing being a very important player and I believe in trying very hard to make things work.
I believe in being on the same page and wanting the same things, and working towards certain goals. I believe in growing together, changing together... And wanting that to happen.
I believe in finding someone who things fit with, who things fall into place with.

Which also leaves me afraid.
I'm afraid that it might be true-
That if someone says they're not the marrying sort, that they'll never be the marrying sort. And that if someone says they'll never want kids, that they'll never wake up one day and want kids.

I'm afraid we're always going to say,
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there..." Except we'll realize, a long way down, that we came up to the same fucking bridge a few fucking times and then just steered ourselves away from it instead.

I'm afraid of...
Waking up one day and wondering if we really are on the same page. Or realizing we're not.
And then...
And then what? What then?

When you love someone so much, so fully and so wholly,
When you've poured yourself into something you wanted to be in for the long run,
When this person you wake up to in the morning is everything you've ever needed and ever wanted...
What happens the morning that you wake up and realize that you're actually on different pages?

But then, like a car careening to the edge of a cliff, I stop short just a breath away, reel myself back and think...
I'm really not quite there yet, in any case, am I?
Sure, settling down at some point sounds nice but certainly not right now.
Someone else could say "Yes" right now but, no, not me. I couldn't.
And that's okay, really.
It is.


I guess it's just that there's a little part of me that, on top of the other things I'm afraid of, is wondering if I'll ever be the girl someone looks at and thinks,
"I couldn't possibly do the rest of my life without her."

Wishes on fallen eyelashes

I cannot answer their questions about forevers, or whether I'm ready to spend the next decade in a given country. I can't tell you how I'll work it out, or what will happen to all the pictures I've dreamed up.


But I do know I want to be with you.
That I want our home to be filled with music and the smell of something in the oven. That I want to come through the front door and get annoyed that you forgot to defrost tonight's dinner.

And I'm not saying that wanting it is enough to make it happen, it's not.
But at least for right now, I just want to sit here and want these things,
and not think about how close or how far out of reach they are.

Band-aids

So instead, I spent last night having a tearful conversation with you.
Except it was all in my head.

Because then I get to be honest, without feeling like I'm saying all the wrong things at all the wrong times.

Without feeling like I'm wrong, period.

All the new things I never saw coming

You're doing it wrong Charis,

You're just all wrong. 

Stop getting in the way

The shorter end of the stick

There are so many things we should have been talking about that just gave way to this...This situation instead.

And that's what upsets me, even now.
Because how are we going to backpedal through the entire month to find all the things we should have been pouring out to each other while we were fighting someone else's battle instead?

So sure, we can fix this, and we'll get back on track with each other and be okay- I'm sure of it.
But all the stuff I've missed out on with you, and you with me, how do make up for that? And why are we the ones having to do making up of any sort anyway, when it wasn't us who started or were directly involved in this whole tragic affair in the first place?

And y'know,
Y'know how I've always said I wouldn't have wanted you to never have helped? And you know how I keep saying that at least we tried and it should make us happy that our friends are?
It's a little bit hard to keep telling myself that when I find ourselves here.

His world will go on turning

There are so many things I've wanted to tell you, wanted to say to you
That I've forgotten them all.

Every single one of them.

Missing

Dear whoever you are,

Find me?

Find me,

Find me. 

_______________________________

There are days I feel like I'm breaking.

_______________________________

I remember this. I remember this feeling. 

This wanting to be enough, wanting you to look my way twice. And I remember learning again how to be on my own, how to be okay, how to be sad and need a cuddle but pack my things and head to the gym instead. I've been here before, and I can do it again. 

I can. 

Because everywhere I turn, she's always going to be right there saying,

"They'll want you, but only when you're beautiful."

______________________________

How about

You get back to me when you want to. 

_______________________________

I have no doubt that I could love you

Forever

The only trouble is 

You really don't have the time. 

Upses and downses

Sometimes, and right now is one of those times, I feel like work is the only thing keeping me rooted.

At its best, I am happy, fulfilled, busy but satisfied and sure of where I'm going. And at its worst, I am sometimes slightly peeved, but overall pretty much content.

Work is like that for me a lot of the time, but I guess I just really miss putting away all of that and coming home at the end of the day to you..
To us.

But then, I'm also afraid that I'm just asking too much. I mean, that's the way it has to be sometimes, when we're in the swing of the things, right?
And it's not like we're not trying..

So maybe it's just that there've been a whole lot of other things going on too...
And maybe, this is just one of those times where I'll have to learn to sit tight and wait
Until you come back home and curl up on the couch with me again.

Put your wings down, and stay

"Whatcha thinkin?"
"Barcelona"
"Oh.."
"Flight Eighteen-"
"Stay a minute?"
"I would like to-"
"So?"

"Stay a minute."
"No I can't."

Postcards from a breaking heart

There are some days your absence feels like a dull, throbbing ache.

I watch a show, laugh at how horrible it is before it hits me that the last time I watched it, you were curled up with me, content and comfortable despite my yelling at the Telly.

Can I be honest here?
I don't know how you're gone. I don't understand it. I am physically unable to get over the quiet you've left behind.

It's so quiet.

I throw open the windows in the apartment, almost viciously, to let in fresh air.
And in my head I say, I don't have to worry about you running out. But a whisper of truth tucked behind my ear reminds me it's because you've already done that.

But in the same way I do that, I look for you when the magic-wipe squeaks a little too loud, to tell you it's just me. When a thunderstorm starts, I wonder if you're okay, and if you'd rather be in the room because you get so scared. I want to tell you i'm here if you want a cuddle. And when the idiot neighbour downstairs starts smoking and it gets in the house, I slide the windows shut and turn to you wanting to say I'll keep you out of the laundry room for a bit,
except ...

You're not here.

Trains hurtling in all the wrong directions.

Hey here's a thought-
I keep working overtime in my want for other people to be happy,
But maybe I want someone to do that for me too.

My body sends you postcards

So maybe I love you.
And maybe sometimes I find myself wishing for things I simply cannot have. At least, not all of it.

So maybe I need to work extra hard at balancing how I feel for you, with all the things I want for myself.

Not because I love you any less, or because I shouldn't love you.
But because maybe, some part of me figures that, at the end of the day, I still want to come home to you.

It's been written in the scars of our hearts

Oh tear ducts and rust

I'll fix it for us

We're collecting dust

But our love's enough

You're holding it in

You're pouring a drink 

No nothing's as bad as it seems

We'll come clean

______________________

I've been sad.

How do I want it all of these things when I don't get to take all of it in with the person who's all the world to me?

For this wide-eyed wanderer

Promise me I won't outgrow my dreams
That as many times as I shelf my plans, I'll always take them down to look at again.

______________________________________________________________



_________________________________________________________________

I've been sad.
Because I do this all the time-
dream, and hope, and think up pictures that are much too pretty for my own good, only to pack them away. We always want this next time to be different, and it doesn't always promise to be.
Sometimes it feels like I've spent my life wanting so much for everyone around me to be happy. Doing things that will make it easier to get on with their lives,  that won't disrupt it, that will never risk them feeling like they're being forced into something they don't want.
Then I look at myself and I...
I'm not unhappy. I'm not dissatisfied. And I know, believe me I do, that I have it good for me here and there's no reason for me not to stay. And I'm happy and grateful and content in a I-am-settled- sorta way.

But sometimes I think, that isn't reason enough.

And parts of me, they already started wandering far, far away before I understood fully what it meant to be the child who could and who would switch accents in a given setting just to blend in.

I'm afraid and sad, all at the same time because of all the things I feel myself reaching for but am unwilling to say out loud.
Or I do say it out loud, in a hey-here's-a-crazy-idea- kinda way that's met with a response not a fraction as crazy and infinitely more practical.
and mostly..
I just want to be where you are.
And I want you to be happy.


I just...
also want that for me.

Wistful

Promise we'll call our children beautiful and nothing else. 

__________________________

Because don't we deserve to be this happy?

All the time?

Oh the way pretty places capture your heart

So let's be quite honest here, I rarely put up these sorts of long, picture-filled posts. But I figured, this was a pretty eventful trip! So i weeded out the more fun, more picturesque ones, and thought I'd share them.

In the spirit of being honest, here's a confession-

I've got a soft spot for Perth.

Quite without meaning to, i fell in love and took absolute ages to recover. And then for a while there was the dreaming up pretty things, and looking up possibilities, but mostly, there was this holiday coming at us. And one we had planned for and looked forward to for absolute ages.

I often try to keep myself from being too excited and only succeed in failing miserably.

But anyway, it was quite a lovely, productive trip, and these are all the bits that don't involve me hiding in a bathroom and crying myself stupid.

I'm not saying it happened a lot, but what would holidays be without a couple of those, hey? I think one ends up happier, if one remembers to be sad every so often.

(cue wry laugh).

But enough of my inane nattering! Here are pictures (lots of them) and summaries of our time spent away-

 This is us, on the plane, and ready for take off!

 And the sight we were greeted with, upon arrival at Uncle Adrian's and Aunty Freida's.

and then, it was, GOOD MORNING COTTESLOE.

Easily one of the most beautiful mornings to wake up to. Sometimes I wake up now and am puzzled at how I don't feel cold. Or how I'm not smiling quietly to myself as I watch the sun peek out from rooftops.

 We had a wander-about. (How couldn't we?)
But just for a bit. So that we could come back in time foooooor-

 Aunty Freida's cooking. Which is pretty something, I must say. Not like we didn't already know this. But this time round it was like,
HELLO I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I AM BEING SPOILT.

That evening...

 We went to Sharon's where we hung out, talked and cuddled on the couch with
Tigger.

The next day, we headed into the city for our pancake fix-

Where we stuffed our faces, poked around in shops (can you tell we're not city people?) and headed off to meet Michelle and Talani.

Being us though, we had to find an empty playground, fiddle with the lock and go hang out on the swings for a bit.

After which, we  made juice with Michelle's new blender, waited til five to open a bottle of wine, and headed home for more good food. 

 


Then.
We left for Melbourne.
Now. Here's the thing.
I wasn't aware of the two hour time difference, and figured we could spend the six hours on the plane sleeping. Except of course it wasn't six hours, it was much shorter.
SO.
We turned up in Melbourne, in the wee hours of the morning, amazingly sleep-deprived, and settled for first breakfast

 in our half-asleep state, before we met up with Bird (my bestest friend in theeee whole wideeee world), who woke up early for nomnoms with us.

Having needed to go off to study for exams though, she left us to go wandering about Victoria Market after brunch/ second brekkie

Where we bought a couple of things, saw lovely buys, shopped for groceries for the following night's dinner, and then walked back quickly so that we could crash out and fall asleep.

I can't say we saw a lot of Melbourne, which was a bit of a shame. But then again, we got to hang out and didn't rush around in an effort to see more of the place so... that was really okay with me, to be honest.


We went out that evening for

crepe.
In a little tucked away place, that Melbourne seems absolutely full of.
Here's a tip if you're ever heading to Melbourne-
hook up with a local, because there are heaps of lovely little places like this one to go sit in. And there're places you wouldn't find, if not for someone who knows the nooks and crannies of the city.

Erika found a place, made just for her though!

 Here, we grabbed a chilli dog for first brekkie while out on the search for second brekkie before meeting Erika's cousin.

Then we found second brekkie. This is Erika's "hmmm, which one of these many things shall I have!"- face.

 And then, the above picture is just proof we hung out with Bird, despite her needing to go study for papers.
We had her over for Blue cheese and Gnocchi. It was yum- thanks to my favourite little chef(:


Quite quickly, we packed up out of our little one-bedroom apartment and headed off for Erika's riding lesson in Oakwood.

SO. On the coldest Melbourne Winter Morn in ten years, we walked across the road to pick up the car, faced appalling service, said nothing of it because we were too cold, too calm, too asian and too fucking cold, got a free upgrade, climbed into a Ford Focus and embarked on our journey to Oakwood.
All the while deciding that Melbourne might not be the place to be.

That is of course, until we hit this part of the drive-

 (:


After a long, long, long, long time (just kidding- it wasn't really aaaall that long),
we hit a dirt road.
Now.
I had been warned by Katie not to take dirt roads with Erika because the last time they went on one, they thought they would die.

But on one we went!

With this face-

 During which I texted Uncle Ronnie and said,
"I think your daughter is trying to sell me. I don't know how many cows I'll get, considering I'm Asian."

To which he replied,
"a small herd! Especially once they find out you can make lasagna and all!"


But, the bumpy road did lead us to Oakwood-

 Where Erika road, after about a month, in the freezing cold, and I hung out with Mini, the cat who looked like I owed it to him to let him cuddle on my lap.

It was nice, seeing Erika ride. Especially because I haven't in a while. I wondered how she was coping in the cold. (She told me she felt like passing out.) But well, from the stands at least, it sounded nice- a different sort of nice than what one is used to (at least from where I was.)

After Erika's ride,
we decided to go be tourists and went to Olinda Falls.
It was the most beautiful, scenic drive I've ever been on. Absolutely gorgeous.

 To end up here-

 Down winding roads, to Olinda Falls.
Where it was quiet and beautiful and picturesque and...
I give up. My words aren't doing it justice.

But it sure was beautiful.


After which we drove to Monash to go pick Bird up from her last exam (WHICH SHE PASSED! I AM SO SO PROUD OF HER OKAY!)

 This is the racecourse.
Dude, if I had my exams here, I don't know how I'd ever freaking pass.

And that concluded our few days in Melbourne.
How exactly that trip ended could have been much better, but let's not go into that right now.

Soon,
we were back in lovely Perth where it was a little less cold, a little less city-like, and lot more at-home.

We decided after that, to have date-night and take a walk on Cottesloe Beach(:

(:

__________________________________________________

  Our first meal after Melbourne was Dim sum with Aunty Freida, Uncle Adrian and a friend in Northbridge.
As it turns out, Northbridge during the day looks quite different from at night.






The weekend that followed Melbourne, we took a trip to The Hillary's with Michelle, Talani and Karen.

 

 We also had Churros for dessert!

 And pretty as they are, who needs dream catchers when everything around you looks and feels like this?(:





We woke up the next morning to a Sunday that looked like this-

 pfffft.
And people ask me why I'm so in love with Perth!

Anyway, aside from going place to place, meeting with people and thinking about work, most of the rest of our holiday looked like this-

 hanging out in pretty little cafes with the paper, an affogato for myself and a cappuccino for her

or hanging out on the couch napping, playing word games, reading scripts and  being comfy.

taking in the prettiest looking places

hanging out with Lola

Popping into FreO for coffee

and more affogato

and chilli mussels + fish and chips

and taking in even prettier sights

_____________________________________________________

 The Wednesday before we left though,
I got to go to the concert of the one person I knew I'd always wanted to go for.

P!nk's The Truth About Love Tour was in town, and although (I'm ashamed to say), it did take a bit of convincing, I went.

I couldn't have possibly be prepared for how spectacular it was. And here's to all P!nk fans- if you're thinking about going to see her, don't think.
Just go for it.

Believe me, it is so, so, SO SO SO worth it!

 Yep!
Luckiest girl ever.

Our last night?
Hanging out with Lola, Uncle Adrian and Aunty Freida + eating good home-cooked food
+ sprawling on the couch playing word games
+ going to bed at 8:36pm.

It's official.

Luckiest girl ever(: