Sunday, June 1, 2008

spelling it out, leaving no spaces

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

We have names for the characters in our life. And unless you're one of those characters, you usually don't know who's who for sure.

Sometimes blog posts are addressed to a certain someone.
Sometimes that certain someone gets it, and figures it's for him/her.
Sometimes they don't.
Well, this is for you.

Dear Alastair,

I don't know why I'm even bothering to talk about this here.
Perhaps because it's bugged me the entire day since my church service ended. Yes, thank you very much.
At first I was going to just write this letter and then burn it. But then, you'd never actually figure out all those things that I've thought about/wanted to say/ask/scream.
Every bit of this is for you, my dear.

You sent me a text. A disturbing text. One that required explanation and answers to weird questions that popped up in my head. I called you back but the line got cut before it was picked up.
At first, I figured that you were busy or couldn't talk or something.
But after more calls that kept getting cut and messages that went unanswered, I finally understood-
You were ignoring me.

And if there are excuses for every single one of those calls that got cut, then explain the calls to your home phone which you actually picked up for a bit and then hung up when i said hello.

"Can i safely say I don't trust you?"
Look, i even referred back to the original text message to make sure I got that right.
What kind of a question is that anyway? It's confusing in more ways than one.
I don't understand.
But oh yes, you'd then tell me "yea well, no one does."

So hon, you haven't answered my question yet.
The one that goes something like, "When are you gonna get tired of your own drama?"
Because really, I'm starting to think it's a bit of a problem you know. I rather think you're addicted to all this drama.

You probably just gagged reading that line. Maybe you're going to call up a friend to talk about what an insane psychotic bitch your ex is being. But i have a point, whether or not you want to believe it or admit to it.

Since that text message, I've been calling you and texting you and driving myself insane wondering what I might have done or what you've heard that's caused you to text what you did.
I'm sure there's a plausible explanation for whatever it is.
I'm sure if we cut out all the drama and talked, it'd be sorted out in no time.
But as is.

Maybe i'm pissed off because I couldn't answer the questions of
"Why does he still affect you like this?" Because i don't know the answer. Is there even an answer to that?
Maybe i'm annoyed because, after so long, it just took a single text message to get me feeling like i was in a fucking movie again.

This time though, I'm standing up and walking away.
I'm doing that because I realized that, I really can't be bothered anymore.

I think it's sad though.
You've always been special to me, even after the breakup. So much for you saying we might end up being like, best friends. Because (lets not even talk about best friends yet) friends don't send a random text, leaving the recipient in turmoil and then refuse to answer calls.
And after everything that we've been through, it's crazy, really, that this is the last straw.

I'll try ringing you, just one more time before I post this.
But then if the call gets cut-again, for like the millionth time- i'm just going to post this.
Maybe this is more for myself actually, than you.

Maybe I need to remind myself how pointless this all is and that's why i'm walking away.

How come other people don't have such grossly dramatic things happening to them a year after they break up? This can't be very normal, now can it sweetie?

So here we are.
Me writing this to you, seriously taking into consideration every single fucking thing that I'm putting in jeopardy.

Thing is, you started this.
You sent that message and right now, I still don't bloody know what i have or haven't done.
You cooked up this lovely little drama and the only thing that's different,
is that i really can't be bothered to feed into it anymore.

So yeah, I love you and you're special and it's amazingly unbelievable at this point that we could ever have been together (it's funny, isn't it?).
But right now, I can't be bothered.
I really can't.

You tell me darling, when you finally do tire of your melodrama.
Cos I probably would actually answer the damn phone call, despite my better judgment.

And at least i wrote it out for you.
Spelt everything out so that well, nothing's left between the lines for you to guess.

Charis Vera

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