FUCK FUCK FUCKING BLOODY HELL.
clearly, this isn't doing me any good. typing never does what screaming can.
but i am suddenly so annoyed and pissed off at myself, so frustrated.
So eurgh everything.
it's not anything that happened either.
Had a wonderful warm dinner with my family and all.
i hate feeling like this.
feeling like i don't know what the fuck i'm feeling and feeling annoyed by that.
Everyone has a life.
And it's not like I don't, but then why do I feel so far away?
Why don't I feel like everyone's a phone call away, like they used to be?
I should shut up, get over myself, stop starting my sentences with "I" and get on it with it.
It's not that I can't, it's the annoyance at myself for noticing it.
For feeling like.
I've been so caught up that I've lost everything and everyone around me.
But I'm not all that caught up you see, I'm not.
I'm not tied to Poly projects or JC curriculum. I work, but not like a lot. And I hate that I can't figure out why I feel eons away.
Maybe it's because I'm not in the same boat.
And I can't identify with projects and schoolmates and politics and teachers.
Maybe it's that.
I can't stand that I can't see anyone in the mirror. It's like, I'm looking right through my fucking reflection.
I want to scream at myself, hurl bricks at that goddamn mirror and say,
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
How can I be so impossibly satisfied with what I do and the life I live, and then realize -a little too late- that it doesn't count for anything.
But I'm happy, right? This is what I want to do, right?
And no, I don't want to be in government schools or whatever it is. Because don't i have everything I asked for? I'm like a year ahead of everyone my age.
Then why doesn't it feel like it's enough?
I don't know what to say when people tell me about the pile up of homework and projects and all these major everyday things that prove that they're doing something.
Because I can be doing everything, and it still fucking feels like I'm not doing a single fucking thing.
I want to figure it all out.
Really, I do.
More than anything though, I kind of wish I didn't have to do it alone.